Friday, January 29, 2010

Day 8 scan and a bonus intralipid! UPDATE

Yesterday it kind of came to my mind that this cycle there was no mention of the intralipid infusion. I decided to call the clinic because according to my schedule if it's going to happen it should be on day 8! And sure enough...I was told that yes I had to have it done, millions apologies for the oversight and please come in early so that I can get out in time for my first lecture.

The great thing is that now the intralipid it's done at the clinic. You may remember my ordeal with the intralipid at the prvious cycle, so I definitely was not looking forward to it.

This morning I went in prepared with patches everywhere with the anesthetic gel, but first things first.
The scan was very good, confirmed 14 follicles, 8 on the left and 6 on the right between 17 and 10, we hope that the smallest ones will pick up. My E2 on day 6 was very good, in fact better than the last time at 2,560 and my lining is now at 8.5 mm which is also a little better than the last time. I am pleased with the fact that this time, on the same dose of Puregon (150U per day) I'm actually doing better number-wise. Again, as of today things should go ahead as scheduled with ER next wednesday.
I was then brought down to the theatre for the intralipid. My Favourite Doctor came down to put the cannula in. I warned her that I'm not a great veins holder, but she took a look at my harm, she asked the nurse for a smaller needle (they do exist!!) and I felt absolutely nothing. She was in within seconds, took the blood for the E2 check and there I was with the drip going.
What a dream. Honestly. I am so grateful i can do it there, a part from the fact that it's two minutes from home, they actually know what they are doing!
I have to go ahead with the injections as I've done so far, same dose. I have already stopped the aspirin and hopefully I'll trigger on Monday!! Woohooo! I'm very happy.

On a sad note, I overheard one of the doctors talking to one of the embryologists saying something like "The patient from yesterday, the one who only had two eggs and none fertilised, must be called by a doctor not the lab..." Gosh...whoever she is...I am thinking of her.

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Update:

Ullallahh I got a call from the Favourite Doctor, I have to reduce the Puregon from 150U to 100U as my E2 is increasing steadily and has reached 5000! She said it's perfectly safe but they don't want me to hyperstymulate. She said she can practically confirmed that ER will be on wednesday. On monday they will recheck E2, but I should be on the safe side of the upper limit. Let's hope so, as I don't want to trigger with decapeptyl!!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Day six scan

Wow, I'm already on day six! I've been so busy with work that I didn't post much at all in the last couple of days, but I'll catch up today for sure.

I love you my friends, thanks for stopping by, your support is worth gold at this stage.

So this morning I went in for my second scan. Things look good I'm told. I've about 6-7 follicles per ovary varying in size from 14mm to 8mm. They are checking my E2 also, but if I don't hear anything I'll be staying on my current Puregon dose of 150uL and I have started the antagonist today too. So whatever I have done with that injection on day 2 didn't matter too much! Thank you for reassuring me nonetheless! Next appointment is for Friday, the nurse said I am on schedule and ER should be on the 3rd of February. Lining also look good at 7.2 mm and already trilaminar! Go lining go!

Also I reminded her about the possibility of doing the transfer with a smaller volume (I have read that ectopic pregnancies with IVF could correlate with the volume of medium used to transfer the embryos). Well, I got a call from the chief embryologist, lovely Scottish guy, always very helpful and understanding. He said he was going to make sure no more than the minimum volume was going to be used for my transfer. Let's get there first!

Overall I feel well, a bit tired, but that's normal, I'm really working hard these days. I'm going to yoga again this evening and I can't wait! Meditation should start soon too!!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Day two and new friends

Thanks for your comments, I do feel much better and I think it was definitely a headache due to stress!

My second day of injections didn't go too well, I do think I got confused with the dose...damn, it never happened to me before, but this time I had to switch the vial in the Puregon pen and there was still so much left...yet I should have basically finished it with my partial injection...anyway, let's hope whatever I have injected was not too little! I'm doing very well with drinking fluids this time and I've also exercised at home on the Wii like I said I was doing and I'll do a bit more tomorrow, pat pat on my shoulder!

On this ICLW week I am determined to find more blogs to follow. I have divided now the pregnant blogs from the ttc ones and I also have removed from the list on the main page those that have stopped blogging. I will still follow them in the hope that they'll come back to the blog-sphere and I may re-evaluate in a few months.
I hope I will get new friends to follow my journey too! I love followers, they are addictive!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Day one

My first day of drugs started quite badly with a strong headache. I'm sure it was mostly stress about my student and the day ahead, but it improved with a bit of paracetamol.

The great news of today is that it was both the beginning of the stim phase, as well as the end of the journey for my first student in our group. She was outstanding and I could hardly bring back the tears of pride. I'm sure I won't be so good when she'll thank me in person and eventually will say goodbye to move on to her post doc in Manchester. It was a great day.

I did all my injections a bit late tonight as I brought the examiner out for dinner but I'll be a bit more organised from tomorrow onwards. I'm so tired and in bed (it's nearly midnight Irish time!) but I did have to update on the day. I will catch up on all my ICLW tomorrow!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

ICLW and baseline scan

Welcome my friends, I'd love for you to stay a bit longer, this ICLW week coincides with the beginning of my third fresh ICSI cycle! Let's celebrate!! I was lucky to get pregnant on my other fresh cycles, but not lucky enough to have the embryo sticking to the right place. First it was the left tube. Then the right one. Come on little embryo you can do it this time!! You can read a bit of my story on my profile, but here's the link to the last ICLW intro for a recap up to that point.
So I don't think I ever had an ICLW at the beginning of a cycle, it was mostly during the 2ww I'd say.I do need all the support I can get this time around, I'm dreading another blow. But...let's stay postive.
This morning I had my baseline scan, I stopped the pill on saturday after only 20 days and I'm ready to go. Very thin lining, quiet ovaries and guess...still HIV negative! I'm tested for HIV and other STDs like a high risk person! It's the new EU regulation apparently, you have to have it done at the beginning of each cycle. Just in case. Ah well.My Favourite Doctor wasn't there, she was at a conference, back tomorrow I think. So I had another nurse doing the scan, but she was lovely too. I'm on the same protocol as the last time (short with antagonists) and on the same dose of Puregon. It will all start tomorrow, I will have my breakfast with Prednisolone, high strength folic acid and vitamin B complex, dinner with Puregon and Luveris and a bit of Clexane for dessert. I will finish my day with low strength aspirine. Nice diet, uh? I'm adamant I will drink a lot of water. My next scan will be on day 6, so I'll manage an update within this ICLW week!
Last night I went to my first Yoga lesson in the new place. I loved the teacher which is great and it's walking distance from home! I told her about our IVF and that I will have to stop the classes in the 2ww but if possible I will switch to meditation and she had no problem with it. I'm delighted with myself for sticking to the new year resolutions. I'll be on the Wii fit this evening too!
Now, tomorrow is the big day for my student E. She'll defend her PhD thesis and will move on to bigger and better things...I'm so emotional about it, it's unreal! I will let you know how it all goes of course.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Tuesday

Thank you all for your kind comments, I do feel a bit better and of course you are right, although what happened to my friend is beyond devastating, we all have to make the most of life and goals while we have the chance to do so.

Anyway, this week was off to a bad start and I'm not sure it has improved yet.
My good cyber-friend Michele sent me her Fertility Buddaha. I have no words to thank her properly for her kindness. When I offered to pay for the postage she just said to make a donation to our local loss group. How amazing can she be? And the Buddha arrived yesterday. A little piece was chipped off probably during the travelling...it can certainly be fixed with a bit of glue but I was just so upset (and on top of the bad news of yesterday morning it didn't take much to upset me). I will fix it today, I'm sure it won't really be noticeable, but still...

Today I had two hours lecturing just over lunch so I didn't really eat properly, but then, my New Toy arrived! Can you imagine? After two months in the repair centre it's finally here! They have extended my guarantee for 3 more months (upon my request!) and basically changed any piece of harware you can think of. Anyway, with the laptop it came a note that stated that after changing all the parts, they had tested it for 80 hours and the BSOD never happened. Well...would you believe it...as soon as I started uploading a programme....TAC!! Blue screen...I looked around...there must be a camera hidden somewhere...this cannot be happening AGAIN!! I was on the phone within a second, spoke with the millionth person who, after all my ranting and rageing, said "Well, I suggest you reinstall the operative system" What?? It just came back!! Anyway, it's "standard procedure" so I went through the commands and things I had to do and...while I was still on the phone...blue screen! He was speechless. He just said for me to send him an email so that he could escalate the issue. To be honest, I'm not sure how more this can be escalated, I think I'm at the top of the ladder!
Anyway, I've since restarted it and so far it seems ok. I definitely think there's something wrong though. We'll see what they say in the email.

I also think AF is on her way! So hopefully by the time thursday come things will have improved a good bit on all fronts!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Monday

I heard on the radio that statistically, today, is the most depressing day of the year. Something to do with the third monday of January. I'm not sure if this is valid only for Ireland (I can't believe there would be many depressed people in New Zeland in the middle of the summer!) but certainly it was not an easy/good day for me.

I gave my first lecture at 9 which was no problem at all. I actually was in way ahead of time as I didn't want to take any chances with the traffic. I had a nice plan for my working day ahead and it was even sunny outside.

And then I checked my emails.

A friend of mine, from my home-town university, lost her husband over the weekend. She is only 3 years older than me and so was he. I cannot even imagine the despair and pain she must be in.
They got together in school and eventually got married probably less than ten years ago. He had suffered from leukemia when he was a teenager but overcame it with no reoccurance. She married him knowing that they will never have children and she just loved him so. Unfortunately, a part from infertility, one of the rare side effects of the drugs was to cause lung damage and he fell within that ridiculous statistic. I didn't know anything about this until I met my friend when I went to Italy in November. She told me that unfortunately her DH wasn't well and was now constantly walking around with a bottle of oxygen and in the National waiting list for a lung transplant. As his condition deteriorated before the Summer, he was bumped up the list and they were constantly waiting for the phone to ring. She was very positive and optimistic, I told her about my MIL and her kidney transplant over 20 years ago and how that did save her life and she is still doing well. I wished her all the very best and although we do not email eachother much we know we are in each other's thoughts for one reason or another (work, common friends etc.). I saw her again at Christmas, no news but still very positive and looking forward to the future.
So when I got the email from one of my colleagues in Italy my heart just sunk. Apparently he contracted pneumonia and with such a weak body there was nothing they could do.
The funeral was today. I cannot think of anything else. I wrote her a card which I'll put in the post tomorrow, but what can you say when someone's life just crashes to the ground in a million pieces?

And suddenly all that I'm doing to have a baby seems just so unnecessary.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Next week

Next week is going to be very intense.
Term starts again and I have a heavy teaching load but thankfully I have everything prepared (I have to just go over the lectures but no new material) still, it's a bit nerve-wreacking going into a new class and I'll be meeting 3 new ones all in the first week!

On wednesday I have my first yoga lesson and so far I've been very good at exercising at home also.

On thursday I have my base line scan. I'm thinking of stopping the pill a day earlier like I've done the last time. I should take the last one on Sunday but then my period would have barely started before the scan, so I'll take the 20th pill on Saturday and that'll be it. It worked very well the last time anyway. I've collected all my meds from the pharmacy today and immediately put them away. No need to dwell on the volume of them by having them spreaded around the house!

On friday, on top of two lectures I have to give, my very first student (the one who had a bit of a blue moment) will defend her PhD thesis. I already got feedback from the external examiner which is excellent, but you know the way it is...I feel very emotional about it and I hope I'll be able to hold it together afterwards, they all know I'm a softy one but still! Another student of mine just got awarded a Master. That makes two in just over 4 years and another one will submit is PhD thesis next month. A fourth one is on her way to finishing up. I'm not sure how all this happened. But it did and I'm really proud of my group. These 3 also have already a job to go to. Amazing. My colleagues today at lunch were lovely, they said we have to celebrate me as this is really a milestone! I suppose it really is. After the viva and lunch I will have to introduce the examiner's lecture and bring her out to dinner ... and I suppose the next thing will be going home and start injecting! It is common practice here to hit the pub for a bit of celebration with the group, but...somehow...I will have to give this one a miss I'm afraid.

I know the week will fly by, I have every cell of my body set to "Positivity ON!" meaning I'm repeating to myself that everything will work out just the way it should be. If I'm lucky enough the damn computer (aka the New Toy) will be repaired and return to me after 2 months in repair! See if I'm able to start using it!

Finally, on the stream of other blog-friends just about to cycle, I've told nobody bar family about this upcoming ICSI. Not sure Mike will remember this at all though! I know I will be able to talk to my friends, if I wish, afterwards, no matter how it'll turn out. They will understand. Let's see if it makes any difference.
I must remember to book in my reiki/acupuncture also!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Yoga, meditation and New Year Resolutions

Today was another added holiday for us, yep, we got an official email on Saturday that due to worsening weather condition the college would have remained closed until tomorrow morning. Obviously the weather improved dramatically between yesterday and today, it started raining and the snow is pretty much gone so this was totally unnecessary, but still...who says no to another sleep-in? Anyway, tomorrow we are definitely back and it's only a week before I start teaching again and I'm dreading it. My second semester is going to be very heavy, and with the new cycle coming up I've arranged my lectures in blocks before and after. I hope it'll be worth it! In fact I have only 6 more days on the pill and baseline scan is next week on thursday, oh yes!

Anyway, I have read a few blogs with their New Year Resolutions and I decided to add my own. Like my friend Clare I'll keep it short and simple so that it can be easier to achieve and will be totally unrelated to pregnancy (or lack of) given that this very one thing I have no control at all.

* I have found a new Yoga Centre just a stone's throw from home. They not only do yoga but also meditation. I have already contacted the teacher (Lisa) and I'm enrolled for the yoga on wednesday night and the meditation course when it'll begin in February!
The first resolution is: I have to keep this up.

* I definitely have to exercise at least once more during the week. I want to use regularly my Wii Fit Plus to track my progress. Even if I don't loose weight I have to be a bit fitter than I am.
The second resolution is: I have to be more determined.

* I will try really hard to live in the present. I hope meditation will help me achieving this. For some reason I'm very prone to think about what will happen tomorrow, what will I do in a few months time etc. Yet I have no real control on what might happen that will change the plan. This should reflect in a more positive me, with less hypocondria lurking in my brains.

So far these resolutions have been centred on me. Now three more which will have the me + others combiantion in it.

* I will try to be more available to friends and family. Sometimes it's easy not to call or email. After all, I'm so far away there's not much I can do from here. But I know, I so know, that a word or even a gesture can brighten up someone else's day. And it costs me nothing.

* I will have a Zen approach to work related issues. I often have the impression that half of my colleagues are doing very little. This is probably true but the problem is that it bothers me no end and I tend to go into the "poor me, look how much I do, this is sooo unfair" state. This obviously doesn't achieve anything, I still work the same amount and my colleagues too. I have to lower my expectations and improve my attitude in this field.

* This is probably going to be the most difficult. I do have high expectations in general, and sometimes this is very unfair towards Mike. I will try and have a Zen approach towards his work also. I'll be there if he needs me but I have to be less pushy and teacher-like. I don't like being that way, but I don't seem to be able to help it much. I'll try my best.
I have my heart in it, really. I think I can do well in most of them, I may need encouragement for the last two, I already know, but I am confident that re-starting yoga and embracing meditation will be very helpful.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Sorry neighbour!

Oh dear...I would have updated the previous post but I know it wouldn't have been really fair as you guys had left comments already (thanks, you are great!!)

So last night the doorbell rang and it was neighbour N with a brand new brush for us!! He was very apologetic and the brush is actually much bigger and stronger than the one we have! Mike answered the door (thank God, I would have been mortified!) and things between guys are always so much easier to straighten out aren't they? Mike offered him our old one but no no, no need at all and sorry again!
Then Mike said to me "See? you FORCED me to go ever and give out to them! There was no need!" Ehhmmm...I mean... with the way things had gone the night before, I still think something had to be said, but it is more of a possibility now that it was his extra-neighbour to damage it and he truly didn't know....

Ah well, back to meditation, this has to be forgotten now! Certainly if I had followed one of the key instructions of the book which states "Wait 24 hours before having any reaction"...ehemmehhm I suppose....next time...Zen...Zen...Zen....

Friday, January 8, 2010

More snow and neighborhood tales

No improvement here, temperatures are below freezing and we live on a hill south of the City so I'd say we have it a bit worse. Nontheless...I absolutely love snow.
I have actually learnt a few new words which have to do with how dangerous streets are. Here they go: there are hazardous conditions, excalating to treacherous to end in impassable! As of yesterday evening roads in Dublin are between treacherous and impassable. A part from the roads in private estates I actually think it's not that bad at all. And you should see the drivers...can I just say once again...if you can't handle the snow....STAY AT HOME!!! No need to drive as slow at 10km/hrs on clear roads, you know? From home to the office today I don't think I shifted to second gear at all... and College is pretty much deserted. What can you do...any excuse will do! Well, I'm in, as well as my Swiss colleague and the Swedish one! It's unreal.
I got a call from the pharmacy yesterday to let me know that they had my prescriptions but that "due to weather conditions" they weren't sure if they could be delivered to my local pharmacy by the end of the week. No problem, I don't need them until the 21st anyway. I got the opportunity to check on my progesterone support and it was the Crin.one, so I told them I would have called the clinic to have it changed to the pessaries. It was sorted in no time and I got to talk to the Favourite Doctor!! How nice. She said she'll do my scans personally. I love her.
A bit more on the frost and snow (rant ahead).
One little thing is that, if you remember I live in a duplex and I have two short flights of steps to get to my door and to that of the immediate neighbour. Now, in fairness they were really dangerous (impassable??). Snow had compacted and frozen and each step was very slippery. We have an outdoor brush which I use to clear the balcony and Mike went out yesterday morning and brushed the steps. We got a bag of salt from the management company to share with the other duplexes, we spinkled a bit and then Mike went to the other neighbours in our block to see if they wanted to clear their steps and have a bit of salt. Well, perhaps you can se where this is heading. Neighbour N was very thankful, asked if he could get our brush and took the bag of salt. Mike wasn't too pleased that he took the bag as a few more houses will need it, but still he left everything with him. N said he would return everything to us. After an hour or soo I look out the door and see the bag left there, half empty. It was a 25kg bag. Then I notice the brush also left at our door. The handle was totally ruined. The idiot had used the wooden handle to break the ice (over concrete) and you can imagine the state of it. He didn't even have the decency of ringing the bell and thank us. I was steaming out of my ears. I just cannot tolerate careless people...specially when they are careless with things we kindly lent them. I told Mike he had to go and say something (Mike was also pissed, but probably would have sulked for a while and not acting). Off he went and here's what happened.

Mike rings the bell, N's wife answer.
Mike: "Hello, I'm your neighbour, I gave this to N to clear the steps. It was mine. He must have used the handle to break the ice, look at the state of it now"
Wife: "Oh... yeah, really sorry, we gave it to our neighbour too, he must have done it..."
Mike: "I didn't lent it to your neighbour, I lent it to your husband"
Wife: "Well, yeah...sorry about this, bye!"

Fucking unbelievable. Maybe it's the pill, but i just can't get over it. This people are young, like 30 something, they have a child. Yeah they are weird a bit, wife never says hello. It's not the cost of the brush of course, it's the cheek of them. Not a thank you, not a gesture of offering to get us a new one...Ahhhhhghhh and I like being nice and hepful to others but God, I don't think I'll be ringing their bell anytime soon to offer something.
I am waiting to see if we see them again and if they say something.
I turned to meditation last night to clear my head. It helped a bit but obviously the rage is still in my system! Damn asshole.
Ohhhhhmmmm Ohhhhhhhmmm....Fecker.....Ohhhhmmmm Ohhhmmmmm

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Frost all around

Thank you all for the comments, I have felt a bit better lately so hopefully the scary-gray-thoughts will give me some space.

We arrived yesterday in a frosted Dublin. There is snow and ice where we live and although I love looking outthe window, I'd never get out of bed! So this morning we decided to take it easy,I'm sure some colleagues would have been back today, but most won't be in until next week I'd say, so no one would mind me not being in early. We enjoyed our bed no end and cuddled for a while until I got a text from one of my students saying that our building, and in fact the whole of Science was without electricity and not to bother coming in! Oh my...it was just like Christmas! I have been working a bit from home, but mostly done things around the house.

One great news on the attic project is that we got our second quotation and it came in at less than half the price! Plus we know the architect and he lives in our same estate, so we know he knows the development very well. He's also from mainland Europe so I kind of think he'll understand my taste better. Anyway, we obviously checked that his proposal covered the same aspects as the previous one and it does, so I have emailed him this morning to say we woudl like to go ahead with the planning!! That's really exciting.

On the other hand, we still have not heard back from the adoption people. This is very disheartening to say the least. You can't be too nagging of course, but still...it's since October that we know our application has been checked and sits with the Board, it should have been a couple of weeks turn around (still taking nearly 5 months since we lodged our application at the beginning of June) to finally get a waiting list number for our preparation course. Which will still be years away. I am thinking of emailing the kind lady again, I know it' out of her hands now, but maybe she can ask around.

Yesterday, I have started my second week of the pill and a part from a bit of headache is going well, I don't think I have put on weight this time! Only 12 more days anyway!

And meditation is still "hot" in my agenda. The book I got is written by Maneesha James and the website I linked is only one of the many I found. She talks about meditation according to the teaching of Osho (I've only learnt about his existance myself!) and I found it very very calming and empowering. The book has also a CD with a guided meditation known as "Tuning into the Moment" which is amazing too. The only thing I miss now is a little statue of Buddha!

Saturday, January 2, 2010

2010

Really? Is it already the time for my new adventure? How did it happen? Rewind....

Well, HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all my dear friends, I've been commenting a bit on your blogs whenever my sister was letting me using her laptop, but never really had enough time to post. 
We are still on the mountains but today was the last skiing day and with freezing temperatures and two million people queuing at the lifts we decided to call it a day a bit earlier. We go back to my parents place tomorrow and fly back to Dublin on monday. I can't believe this amazing break is over already!

So I have now a bit more on the IF front to share with you. I've been on the pill for nearly a week now, no side effect like water retention this time, but it could be also due to the activity and the cold temperatures. Anyway, I can't complain. Like the last time I've started having anxiety attacts (ie hypocondriac flashes) at night, where I wake up thinking I have the worse desease you can think of. In the morning, fully rational, I'm fine. Of course I know this happens to me every time I have something important to start and to much time in my hands, but still....it sucks. I found that while I am in bed awake sick with worries, I am able to go through the very basic techniques of meditation and relax a good bit until I fall asleep again. Any suggestion on this front is very much appreciated of course.

My last pill will be in just two weeks time and the baseline scan on the 21st! Brign it on, I'm ready! Or...am I? Like the last time I find it hard to put hope and energy into the upcoming cycle and I am debating what to do if it fails...thoughts at night are grey and I am worried that my tubes where the place my embryos liked to nest and won't like my uterus at all...or that I won't repond to stims this time or that hey will get very few eggs...there surely is a point when your age plays a role and I'm thinking that in my two fresh cycles I have given to IVF a total 25 eggs (but over 40 follicles!)...that's like...over three years of normal production, plus the months that I have ovulated anyway (thankfully I seem to have very normal cycles despite IVFs). I'm guessing that my ovaries have aged at least 4 years in the last 18 months...so technically they are now much older than me!! See? This is the kind of thing that scares the shit out of me. Than the rational me puts everything in perspective during the day.

I am also very curious to find out my protocol this time. Certainly I want to make sure my progesterone support will NOT include crin.one! I don't mind the PIOs really so I'll insist on those. Different year, different months, tubeless approach, come on, I need to know I have better chances this time, I think I'll call the Favourite Doctor next week!