FET day

And so today arrived. I got my usual call in the morning to make sure we were still alive and happy to progress with transfer. It was a new embryologist, I never met her before, somehow I was hoping that Ivy would have handled my embryos. But ah well. As always they have to tell you that they will defrost one at the time (in our case we wanted a single embryo transferred) and should the first one not survive they go ahead with the next one and so on. If I didn't hear anything then come to the clinic for 3.30. Transfer scheduled for 4.
I went on with my day and for 3.30 we were at the clinic. I was called almost immediately to the pre-transfer area and I kept drinking a bit as I usually pace myself not to be too full.
Here things started going not so well. Mike found a newspaper and just started reading it. So much for company and support. I had to tell him it wasn't very nice for me to watch him reading the newspaper. 4 came and went. By 4.20 I was literally in pain my bladder was bursting. I sent Mike to the nurses to see what the hold up was. Sorry we are a bit behind, she can use the toilet to relieve the pressure but it'll only be a few more minutes. So I waited. The usual theatre nurse came to get us, and brought us to theatre. She scanned me and my bladder was a balloon! I decided to pee a bit. By the time I came back I was again in pain. It was 4.45 by now. I had to go a second time. Furthermore, today there was the female boxing final at the Olympics and an Irish boxer was going for gold. At 4.45. Everyone seemed to care just about that. It really wasn't a nice feeling. Not only I couldn't give a shit about it, but boxing is my absolute least favourite sport. Anyway, the embryologist came in to tell us they only had to defrost one embryo, so we still have 4 in storage. This embryo by the time of the transfer had started to re-expand, so I think she was optimistic it has a chance. Me not so much. But I'm sure it's because of all the emotional surroundings of the day. When we transferred Oliver, by the time of transfer it had fully expanded and it looked like it had never been frozen. This one is definitely slower. The Fav Doc did the transfer, it was over very quickly and I was wheeled back to recovery room just in time so that Mike could rush out to see the end of the boxing. So there I was, bladder bursting and unable to get up from the bed. A nurse came in to say she just couldn't watch the match she felt so anxious and off she went again. Ireland got a gold medal, lots of cheers from the crowd outside my cubicle, the telly happened to be just outside. Mike came in for a second and off he went again. At this stage I was really getting upset. I had to call Mike to help me get up and finally pee. I had a knot in my throat and just wanted to go and pick up Oliver. Which I actually cannot lift now for a few days. Such an anticlimax. I sent Mike to get the nurse, I had enough. I had to listen for the 7th time to all the recommendations which always end in "stay positive, it can and it does work".
I am at home now, I won't be going into work tomorrow, not that I think bed rest is necessary at all, but I also don't think I have ever felt so negative about a cycle so soon to be honest. And sure I know even in the absence of an important sport final, doctors and nurses are just working, but it's just so much nicer when you think it actually matters to some one else other than you only. I also know my feelings are completely irrelevant to the outcome of this transfer, I won't feel guilty one bit for being upset. Mike specially really let me down, but I wonder why I keep getting surprised. You know I gave him a voucher gift last Christmas for an hour with a pilot in a flight simulator? It took ages to find it, I was so so happy I got that idea, I was sure he would have loved it, and maybe he did, but he actually has not done it yet. Why do I bother, seriously, is it me expecting too much?

Blasts on board!

Thank you so much for all your good wishes and messages, I do believe the positive vibes have arrived to Dublin from all over the World!

Last night while meditating I did this visualisation exercise that spreads positive energy from your inner self to the last corner on Earth. I imagined this energy travelling down the road to the clinic, really connecting with the embryos in the incubator. I thought about the embryos as mine really for the first time this cycle, I felt them.

This morning I was hopeful we would not get a phone call, I repeated some positive affirmation upon waking up and then off we went to the clinic for our scan. I am not sure what happened, there were so many people n the waiting room, like standing up and all, and we were waiting for ages (normally I never wait more than 5 minutes). Also Mike recognised a neighbour from his home town!! What are the chances! Anyway, the exchanged the usual "how are you keeping? you well?" like they were in a pub or something...I hope they know we won't say anything, we are quite open about IF but of course many people are very private about it.

Anyway, at 9.50 as Ivy as suggested on Sunday, I sent Mike downstairs to see if we would be long as our transfer was at 12.30. I also told him to see if he could get to talk to Ivy and get some news on the embryos and whether the transfer was going ahead. So he did, we wouldn't be waiting that much longer and the transfer was confirmed!! At that point I could have been there the whole day!

Scan went well, it was the Favourite Doctor that did it for me, only a tiny bit of fluid and she wasn't concerned. She new everything about the embryos she said she was checking with the lab every day!! How sweet can she be? She said everyone in the clinic knows us so well and they all can't wait to celebrate our pregnancy in the right spot! Awwhhhh...

We hopped in to work, I faked a UTI and off we were again to the clinic.

We had two nice fully formed blastocysts and wait...two more morulas! The embryologist said they'll culture them until tomorrow and see if they make it to blasts, if so they'll freeze them. The last time it didn't happen but still, our five little heroes are fighters.

I had the Top Doctor for the transfer this time, I never had him before so maybe that was the one I needed between my legs! Who knows. Anyway, he went over all the past transfers, he noted that the first transfer was done 5.5cm deep in the uterus, and it ended up ectopic. Than I had the two FET at 4 cm deep and one was a biochemical. But listen to this, the last transfer was done again at 5.5cm despite me warning the doctor about the previous ectopic, and sure enough...it was ectopic again!!! I could have got into a rage at finding this out, but I opted to let go and be calm for the new two blast-babies. The Top Doctor did the transfer between 4 and 4.5cm then asked me to lye down for a while and to take it very easy for a few days.

One negative omen: they gave me a pregnancy test!!! Noooooooooo I didn't want it!! But we took it (it seemed rude not to) an we put it away. My official test day is the 20th of February and I'm suppose to go in for another intralipid infusion on the 17th. I'd say I'll know if I'm pregnant before then.

So here I am, on bed rest for a couple of days blogging and working and waiting for the computer tech to give me a call before I throw the New Toy out the window myself!

No snow babies for us

Our three little fighters didn't actually make to to the freezer unfortunately.

The blast that had started to cavitate but didn't seem to be doing to well yesterday didn't progress, the other two compacting morulas have compacted today but the embryologist felt that the process was too slow to be good (day 6 you definitely should have blasts) so she didn't think freezing them was a good idea. I actually agree. Beside, two FETs didn't work for me, whether it is the preparation therapy that doesn't agree with my body or just bad luck, I rather have a fresh cycle.

Having said that, all my energies are with these two on board and again the embryologist said that they were "very good-looking blasts" above the rest of the group anyway, so fingers crossed!

I have been in bed-couch-bed most of the day, so I feel I'm giving this cycle the best chance ever! Tomorrow I'm going in for the intralipid IV which I'll visualise as food for the embryos! Doing quite a lot of relaxation and listening to post-transfer CD. No symptom spotting as it would do my head in!

Two blastocysts are with mommy!

Wow...a few little miracles happened today. First of all, your messages kept me calm, they really did and I'll never be able to thank you enough for them.

The second miracle was that when we got to the clinic, after one and half our of reiki and acupuncture together (totally recommend it!), added on top of relaxation techinques all through the morning, I was the most peaceful and relaxed person they have ever seen...

The third miracle was when we talked to the embryologist. We actually had questions written down for her so she knew she was in for a long chat (and my bladder wasn't full enough enyway!). Both Mike and I are scientist and Mike is a molecular biologyst so I mean...we just don't want the dummed down version of what's going on, we need a scientific detailed explanation and if you have papers to back you up we'd love to read them! And she was lovely, she totally engaged in the conversation and gave us every little detail we were asking for.
So here it goes my little science lecture for the day!

She rechecked my E2 value and confirmed that 9 eggs out of 13 follicles is exactly as expected and that it correlated well with the 5642 on monday last. She said a value of 500-1000 is what indicates a mature egg (I had lower values, but maybe these are different units?).
7 mature eggs was perfect out of 9 total and the fertilisation was also very good with 6 out of 7 looking good on day 1.
On day 2 all the 6 embryos had 4 cells. At this stage they get put into a different culture broth to help them developing further.
On day 3 we had 3x8 cells, 3x7 cells and 1x5 cells. They were all doing well with only one having minor signs of fragmentation.
On day 4 (yesterday report), we had 3 morulas, one compacted, one 20% compacted and one 30% compacted (early stage morula), one 7 cell and one 8 cell didn't divide, the 5 cells grew to 6 cell. Again here they get a new batch of growing medium which is richer an should help the step from morula to blast.
Today, day 5 our two early morulas were beautiful blasts with nice cavitation showing (where the embryo is going to form), the compacted morula was also a blast but the cavitation was not as pronounced and it's under observation until tomorrow. Remember the 6 cell embryo? It became a compacted morula today!! Liked the new food apparently! And so did the 8 cell arrested embryo! Another compacted morula! The 7 cell didn't budge. So amazingly, we may have something to freeze tomorrow, in a cycle where we would have been happy to have something to transfer today! She'll phone us tomorrow in any case to let us know.

The transfer in itself was easy and the doctor was the same as I had for the ER, so now he's my absolute favourite one! He was very nice and encouraging which is nice to hear.
Testing day will be on the 9th of August (Mike's comment was "oh, the day of the All Ireland semi-final!" he's a big hurling fan, a traditional irish game...) and I don't have any tests at home because I'm determined not to test ealry! I'll be taking a few days off work this time.
I'm going to go in for my second intralipid on thursday morning instead of friday, but apparently it's no problem. So here I am, in my 2ww for the fourth time! Praying for my dream to become real.

BFN

Well, it was too good to be true and yesterdy when I tested again with FR the line was gone...my two little penguins didn't stick around. So I spent all yesterday afternoon working on the balcony, planting new flowers in my pots and so on. It was a good day after all, I don't want to get too upset about this or we'll never survive this roller-coaster.

Just for fun I POAS in the afternoon, one of those OPK again, given that they'll go out of date by the end of the month, and there it was, smiling at me a nice second line, much stronger than on thursday (still not as strong as the control), but what the hell does it mean??? Anyway, after having seen that Mike insisted that I keep up the drugs until tomorrow, the official testing day. I am now afraid that either those damn sticks are evil (likely possibility) or that if tomorrow the test will pick up a bit of hcg it woudl be another ectopic. I am in fact terrified at that possibility.

Of course I am also thinking that maybe my uterus is not a "welcoming environment" and that it may never happen for us. Our embryos are top quality and still they don't stick in the right place. They survive freezing and thawing, they grow to blastocysts as if they were fresh and that's also not enough to get me properly pregnant?

Thankfully all our adoption documents are nearly ready and that thought, although it's a long way, gives me some peace.

I have anyway booked a phone review with Dr. W for the 11th of May and see what he suggests. Looking forward to a week of holiday and realax in Sicily next week, and can't wait to start detox!

I'm PUPO!

Pregnant Unitl Proven Otherwise! My home connection gave up yesterday and I couldn't update the blog, so here I am now.

It all went well, out of the 6 penguins we had frozen, 5 survived the thawing and were put to grow. 1 stopped cell division while 4 grew nicely. Yesterday two were beautiful blastocysts and 2 were compacted morulas!! So two were transferred and the other two left in the incubator until today. If they grow to blast they'll freeze them again!

I am so happy and trying hard to be relaxed and stay positive. Only two weeks of madness now!