The five Amigos!

The clinic just called and we have 5 frozen blastocysts! Wohooo!!! 3 of them were frozen yesterday on day 5 and 2 more today on day 6! All of them are "beautiful expanded blasts" as my lovely embryologist said after having wished me happy birthday... Only 2 had arrested on day 3 but the other 4 didn't look high grade enough for freezing (my clinic has very strict criteria for what can be frozen, they like to have their FET stats almost as good as the fresh).

So that's it for now, we'll be looking at single transfers in the summer of next year (we have the California holiday planned for June next year and then I have a conference near Boston early July), I really hope there will be a brother or sister for Oliver among my little penguins.

Fertility report is in

The embryologist called around lunch time to say that 11 out of the 14 eggs fertilized! This more or less in line with our previous results (14/16 first time, 6/9 second time and 5/6 the third time) which is really positive news. Mike was a bit worried that he hadn't taken his vitamins long enough before the procedure (usually he would have had a 3 months stint), but I'm glad it didn't affect the first stage anyway.

So here's what going to happen. They'll culture the embryos to blast and on Sunday at the latest (day 6) they will phone me with a full report of what we have. If everything goes south beforehand of course they'll let me know but Ivy (the really nice embryologist we had a few times) said it's still going to be Saturday before she knows for sure how things are. I said I thought they were going to change medium on day 3 and that perhaps I would have gotten an update then, but she reminded me that the critical step is day 3 to day 4 and she doesn't want to give me false hopes (the usual protocol of the clinic!). Anyway, she said I can call the lab if I'm anxious, but I'll definitely try not to be.

Today I feel a bit swollen, I'm trying to drink plenty and take it easy (I'm back in work), let's hope it won't worsen. I had a night full of nightmares (some fake photographer wanted to kidnap Oliver!) so I didn't sleep that well at all, which I'm sure it's not helping overall.

6pm day3, no news and other updates

Ok it's 6pm. No call from the clinic.

I have undoubtedly become more nervous over the fate of the 5 little heroes. Last night I couldn't really sleep much, and tried to meditate a bit and live in the present rather than imagining the future. I eventually dreamt of babies. Somehow we had two in the house (not our babies though) and I was given one to hold. It was soooooo heavy!! I nearly dropped it! How could I have been so weak? Ah well, I will get stronger.

Today I spent most of the day working. Emails, projects, budgets, reformatting the old computer (still updating since last night...man...no wonder I had to change it) and slowly but surely the crucial hours between 12 and 3pm went by. Then I started thinking maybe they won't go in checking on the embryos until later in the afternoon, so I was a bit on edge until 6pm. They didn't call, at least one is still alive. Tomorrow they will call with news of any kind, I'm trying to think positively and prepare myself emotionally to welcome these little fighter(s). I told you I would have been back in the loop in no time at all. I didn't have a single symptom of OHSS still I will have to go in for a scan on Monday morning. Mike had booked it on the way out from the clinic on Wednesday after ER and I kind of remembered about it only yesterday. I am kind of hoping for some form of confrontation with the nurse. I was also thinking at how I will write a letter of complaint if no embryo survives until transfer. Hopefully I won't have to. Isn't it terrible the kind of tricks the mind plays at night?

On other fronts, given that life goes ahead when we are concentrating on other things, our architect came over on Thursday with the plans for the attic conversion! We loved it! So spacious! We only asked to modify slightly the bathroom so that it'll have a small window and a bigger shower. Next week he's going to send us the updated plan by mail (I'll post the plans then) and he thinks we are ready to submit for planning application to the County Council!! If nothing else happens, at least this is very exciting!

It's also now February, still not a word on the adoption front, this is an utter scandal in my opinion. 8 months have now passed and we still have no idea what our placement on the waiting list is going to be. No reply to my last email a month ago either. Did I tell you? Apparently the same office that deals with adoption requests also deals with the swine flu!! How ridiculous is that? So they can work on adoptions only every other week....some aspects of Ireland are unreal.

Five little heroes

First of all I want to thank you all for your support. Please believe me, it was a horrible day yesterday, emotionally mostly and your words of encouragement were a bliss.

Physically I'm feeling well, just to tell you, I'm back in work, not a single painkiller taken. I agree with you that it was certainly the best and more sensible choice to trigger me with a low dose of HCG to avoid hyperstimulation, I only wish they had told me about the possible poor outcome at ER. That's all. I would have been prepared, I wouldn't have had unreal expectations and I would have felt part of the process rather than a powerless spectator. On my first cycle, I had 24 follicles. I had the full dose trigger, they got 16 eggs and I had a bare touch of discomfort for a couple of days after ER. they had told me that if they got more than 20 eggs I would have gone for elective freeze. It didn't happen. I am normally reasonable and I work with the clinic, I have always felt they worked with me too. I think they didn't expect this result either. But an informed decision and a calculated risk is acceptable to me, much more than a "don't worry, you'll be fine". That's me.

Needless to say I had very little hope for the 6 eggs retrieved. Yes, they were all mature. Yes they were all injected. Still I had to be prepared for bad news on the fertilization report. I had to. Every single time I have been optimistic in this process for the past 2 years of ART I got a massive kick in the ass. Every single time. You know I'm not being dramatic here. Everyone needs a safety net at some point to remain sane, mine this time was to give up hope.

So when the embryologist called I was ready to take any news that would have come. I wasn't nervous. I wasn't anxious. I wasn't worried. I didn't jump at the phone ringing (I have a specific ringtone for the clinic). The fact that a doctor didn't call already meant that it wasn't a tragedy (it wouldn't have been anymore for me). When she said 5 fertilized and looked good it was as if she was saying "I had coffee this morning". Nothing. I felt nothing. No relief, no big joy in my heart. I went through the motions of when will the next update be (Sunday) and would they call me earlier if things do not go well (only if they all die before Sunday, if there is even one left they won't call). I am tired. Is it normal? Is it ok to put my energy somewhere else rather than thinking of the growing embryos and the various scenarios that go with it? Did we do this too soon and I wasn't really ready? Perhaps I just need a bit of time to recover from yesterday. I will focus in getting ready to welcome back the embryos on Monday, but I also have to acknowledge the possibility that it may not happen.

My five heroes are already calling for my attention, for my support. As I write this I know I'm already hooked. Let the feeling grow on me and I will be back in the loop of worrying, hoping and praying in no time at all.

Hanging in there

Well, I don't have much of an update but I really wanted to tell you that all your comments are keeping me sane. The bleeding/spotting has completely stopped since monday afternoon (I bleed a bit after the scans) and in fact now I have completely clear mucus which I believe is normal. No pain on the right side which is good. Some twinges but no cramps. Of course I know this means nothing until we have a proper ultrasound but still...

I didn't go back to the hospital yesterday, couldn't be bothered even phoning in my beta as of monday. One girl that posts on the board I post too told me that the same hospital screwed up her daughter bloodtest too and that nearly brought tears to my eyes!! Maybe maybe they did screw them up.
Reading around (as you can imagine I've done this nearly 24/7!) there is also the possibility that I did miscarry one of the embryos. This, assuming no lab error was made, would fit well with the HCG odd behaviour and the fact that they did indeed pick up again on monday. We'll just have to wait and see. Yesterday to be honest I wasn't feeling positive at all, started wrecking my head with all the possible scenarios of discrepancies between values and the fact that I don't have one from the clinic for friday is my main worry (like...what if the lab result from the clinic on friday would have been indeed in the 3000 range...) but then I know there is no point. I have taken a few days off work, basically I think I'll go back next monday if everything is well, this is too important to be underestimated. Mam will go back tomorrow and she was a fantastic help.
I have gone out of the house yesterday and today for nice walks, and it didn't seem to bring bleeding along. The Favourite Doctor actually said there is not much point in staying in bed really. So that's the news for today, thanks to all of you and big hugs.

Two blastocysts are with mommy!

Wow...a few little miracles happened today. First of all, your messages kept me calm, they really did and I'll never be able to thank you enough for them.

The second miracle was that when we got to the clinic, after one and half our of reiki and acupuncture together (totally recommend it!), added on top of relaxation techinques all through the morning, I was the most peaceful and relaxed person they have ever seen...

The third miracle was when we talked to the embryologist. We actually had questions written down for her so she knew she was in for a long chat (and my bladder wasn't full enough enyway!). Both Mike and I are scientist and Mike is a molecular biologyst so I mean...we just don't want the dummed down version of what's going on, we need a scientific detailed explanation and if you have papers to back you up we'd love to read them! And she was lovely, she totally engaged in the conversation and gave us every little detail we were asking for.
So here it goes my little science lecture for the day!

She rechecked my E2 value and confirmed that 9 eggs out of 13 follicles is exactly as expected and that it correlated well with the 5642 on monday last. She said a value of 500-1000 is what indicates a mature egg (I had lower values, but maybe these are different units?).
7 mature eggs was perfect out of 9 total and the fertilisation was also very good with 6 out of 7 looking good on day 1.
On day 2 all the 6 embryos had 4 cells. At this stage they get put into a different culture broth to help them developing further.
On day 3 we had 3x8 cells, 3x7 cells and 1x5 cells. They were all doing well with only one having minor signs of fragmentation.
On day 4 (yesterday report), we had 3 morulas, one compacted, one 20% compacted and one 30% compacted (early stage morula), one 7 cell and one 8 cell didn't divide, the 5 cells grew to 6 cell. Again here they get a new batch of growing medium which is richer an should help the step from morula to blast.
Today, day 5 our two early morulas were beautiful blasts with nice cavitation showing (where the embryo is going to form), the compacted morula was also a blast but the cavitation was not as pronounced and it's under observation until tomorrow. Remember the 6 cell embryo? It became a compacted morula today!! Liked the new food apparently! And so did the 8 cell arrested embryo! Another compacted morula! The 7 cell didn't budge. So amazingly, we may have something to freeze tomorrow, in a cycle where we would have been happy to have something to transfer today! She'll phone us tomorrow in any case to let us know.

The transfer in itself was easy and the doctor was the same as I had for the ER, so now he's my absolute favourite one! He was very nice and encouraging which is nice to hear.
Testing day will be on the 9th of August (Mike's comment was "oh, the day of the All Ireland semi-final!" he's a big hurling fan, a traditional irish game...) and I don't have any tests at home because I'm determined not to test ealry! I'll be taking a few days off work this time.
I'm going to go in for my second intralipid on thursday morning instead of friday, but apparently it's no problem. So here I am, in my 2ww for the fourth time! Praying for my dream to become real.

News is in, transfer scheduled for tomorrow!

The embryologyst called at 5 to 5...I didn't think it's was going to be good news at that point...I was expecting a call around 4.20!! But once again I should have done somethign else with my time other than worrying...

So it looks like good news again for the moment, here's the situation: yesterday all 6 embryos looked very good (no wonder they didn't call, but WTF you would think they realise how torturing this is) but today one 7 cell and one 8 cell din't make the transition to morula!

Imagine if those were the one you would have transfered on day 3! They looked good the embryologist said but obviously not good enough, they would have frozen them yesterday.

One is behind schedule, yesterday it was 5 cell and today 6.


But three are morulas!! One compacting morula and two showing signs of compacting, so transfer is for tomorrow at 2 pm getting ther at 1.30 blah blah blah. Of course there is still the possibility of a dreaded phone call by 10.30 tomorrow morning....but let's just hope it won't happen and 10.30 seems so much better than 1pm anyway.

Once again I am getting to transfer with a load of stress on me that it won't be any good, but there's nothing I can do. I'll go to see my acu/reiki french lady before trasfer anyway hopefully it'll help a bit!

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Update!

Thank you for your messages and encouraging thoughts. You are right and I know you are, this is good news and I have to appreciate how good it is. So as I came home I took out my Wii-fit and did lots of yoga and deep breathing while burning lavander oil and citronella! I feel so much better, I feel positive, there will be no call tomorrow, and in any case there's nothing I can do about it so I will focus on a good night sleep and pre-transfer CD! Also the Wii gave a great news that I'm finally loosing a bit of weight!! Since I started 17 days ago (says the machine!) I have lost 3.5 Kg (7.5 lb) which made me feel really good about myself! Damn pill! I'm done with you!!

mother

You know the verification word you have to type when you leave a comment on some people's blog? Most of the time they don't have any meaning, but today, while I was egarly reading avery blog on the ICLW list and leaving nearly as many messages to try and keep sane while looking at the clock moving ever so slowley, this one popped up "mother" I took it as a good sign and typed it in making sure there were no spelling mistake!

So it's almost 7.30 pm local time here, I am breathing again. No call! Oh boy today was tough. I didn't want to post any sooner just in case I jinxed the good "mother" omen. Oue embryos must be doing well enough for them not to call us, of course the embryologist did say that the transition to tomorrow is the critical one, but at least they WILL call tomorrow no matter what! So when the phone will ring at some point somewhere in my office where the reception is better (damn shilded windows!) I won't be panicking straight away.
All your blogs kept me distracted and I decided to join a few more which I felt particularly close to. Clare posted a lovely post today on the different approach between men and women on the 2ww. I really felt so close to that post as Mike today watched a few matches on telly, shouting at the referee and being completely calm/positive about the fact that we were on the line of fire today. I told him once "I'm worried about the phone call..." his answer was "there's no need to worry, they won't call!". A part from the fact that he was right (thank God) he had a very enjoyable Sunday while mine was a miserable one! I envy him for his ability to NOT WORRY about things unless they happen, I think I could do with a bit of that quality too!
Again thank you all for your comments, I swear I would be lost without your support.

No news, good news!

And today went by without a blip. No phone call (from anyone actually!) which means that our little embryos are doing well. Relief. Tomorrow is another day and I'll try and stay positive.
Of course your support is amazing, I can't wait to log on and get my virtual cuddles!

But I am kind of edgy. Mike is annoying me these days, nothing he does or says is right. And I find it impossible to let it go. Today he phoned his sister, I don't know if you remember, but she had three children all with IVF. You would think she's my best friend given that she knows well the hell we are going through. Nope. This type of relationship between brother and sister is one of those were neither of them says much and both seem to mind just their own business. Of course it has nothing similar to the warm relationship I have with my sister and I actually can't understand how it works. They seem to be no more than aquaintances most of the time. So after our first devastating experience where I felt so alone in this mess I could hardly keep my sanity, I was very clear I wouldn't have shared anything else with the in-laws (MIL is no better, she abruptley changed subject once). Maybe I'm exagerating, but I feel that if I get to the point of telling someone (and we are talking family here!) about our journey, the least I expect is a phone call every blue-moon to see how things are going. Given that this never happened I don't think they are interested, so why bother. Anyway, today Mike said to her I had ER on thursday and all going well ET is on tuesday. We got a "Good luck with the transfer" and I think that'll be it for the forseable future.
Also we hadn't said to Mike's side of the family about our adoption project either (not sure how they would take the fact that we are NOT considering Russia OR any other European Country, where children have blue eyes and pale skin, but we are very keen on Vietnam...) but because we need some more medical info from when Mike was a child he had to phone his mum and ask her to go to the local doctor to see if they have kept any record. He must have given too much information as when he was on the phone to his sister, she was very helpful in pointing out that a friend (who has adopted from Russia) said it was a MISTAKE to put too much information in the application, that this will delay things no end. Thanks. Really appreciate it. Already it is a lengthy process, we could do with some support you know? We felt that being totally honest was the way to go and in anycase now is too late to change anything on the application form so why why why does she have to point out that we probably added months to our process? And then Mike wonders why I don't want to stay here at Christmas...

And then there were 6!

Thank you thank you thank you for your supportive messages. Everyone of them is like a warm hug.

So the embryologyst rang. It wasn't the moron thank God...but the top guy, he's Scottish and really really nice. After confirming my date of birth he said immediately that it was good news and that I could breathe! And I did.

He said out of the 9 eggs 7 were mature, 2 were too small probably coming from the smaller follicles (damn delay!!) but that out of the 7 that got inoculated 6 fertilised nicely and they are looking very good at the moment. I had tons of questions of course, like what a bout this delay? Did he think he could have been better? He said that he didn't think so, it's not that easy to retrieve eggs, it's done basically in the dark with a huge needle and the doctor hopes to fish out the egg with the follicular fluid but that can also not happen. Anyway he said 9 eggs out of 13 follicles is a normal results and that it's so much more important that this cycle i didn't overstimulate and that I feel well. He thinks also that no matter what the previous cycle was, these eggs are bound to be better quality (there was not as much competition as he put it!). So he's cautiously optimistic. They will have a look at the embryos over the weekend, but that the major obstacle will be between day 3 and day 4 (sunday to monday). They will give me a progress report on monday afternoon and schedule then my transfer. Also, he said they look at the embryos between 3 and 4 pm so not to dread a call in the morning because it ain't happening! It better not be!

Well I feel much better today mood-wise, and I'll stay calm and positive over the weekend. The ICLW week couldn't come a better time!