Mother-in-Law: the final chapter

And then it happened. We were in Italy and on New Year's day Mike got the call that MIL had been brought to hospital with (yet another) infection. She was unresponsive like every other time she went to hospital with an infection. We didn't think too much of it, this has been a regular occurrence certainly for the last 2 years, who would have thought...on Jan the 2nd Mike got a missed called on his phone from the hospital, he tried calling back but never managed to be connected. He called his sister and she told him that they were called to the hospital because MIL's blood pressure was very very low and they thought she may not have long to live. By the time the got there though, the pressure had picked up and it was no longer so critical. She was on IV antibiotics and the doctors said they were going to treat her for 5 days and reassess the situation. I asked Mike if he wanted to go home, we could find a flight etc, but no, he didn't think it was necessary. So we waited and every day there was no news. On the 5th Mike's sister called him to let him know that the doctors told the family there was nothing more they could do, they were suspending all treatments and upping the opioids to keep her comfortable in her final days. They thought it could have been a week, maybe more. This was the toughest moment for Mike, it was real, his mom was dying and this was it. We were scheduled to fly home on the 6th and Mike didn't want to rush home earlier, nothing he could do and MIL was unconscious anyway. Unfortunately she passed away on the 6th early afternoon. Her twin sister from California arrived on time the morning of the 6th so she was there which was nice. For us it has been rough. Flying home on the 6th, very very late (we were in bed at around 2am) and got up and ready to drive down to Mike's parents on the 7th, children very wired up with all the changes etc. But then we were there, I mentioned before about the Irish funerals, they are something else. It was so so nice to see so many friends of Mike driving over 200km to pay their respect on Wednesday night (they had the wake at the house) and driving back later on in an appalling weather. The funeral was on Thursday and it was a lovely ceremony (the little I saw due to Martina not really cooperating). And so now we move on and stay close together knowing how quickly things can change. And you are never ready, even when it was so long coming.


Our last memories of her are beautiful which is so nice. Mike and Martina went to them for Christmas, I had cooked homemade lasagne and they loved them. I stayed home with Oliver who was sick and in fact started antibiotics on Christmas day. I would never have forgiven myself if we had all gone down and she got sick afterwards. MIL phoned me on Stephen's day to thank me about the lasagne and how delicious they were, I told her we were all going to visit them early January as soon as we were back from Italy. And we did, only she was no longer with us. Everyone is putting on a brave face you know? Nobody cried or was upset, everyone knew she had no quality of life at all an at least she is no longer suffering etc. But still. I wrote many times about how inspiring she was and how dignified she was. I will keep her alive in our hearts and talk often about her to the children. they won't remember her I know but at least they will know of her through our own memories.


May 2015 be happier from now on.

Settling into a new routine

We are back since last tuesday night. I realised I didn't mention that Oliver is no longer going to his old creche, we took him out for the whole month of December as we were going to Italy, initially thinking he would go back in January and Martina would join him in February, but then a few things happened over the last few months (change in management, massive staff turnover, lots of confusions about moving rooms, a bully in his room, and finally the last of the carers we knew from the beginning also decided to quit) that made us decide it was time for a change. When we had the original induction in the creche, things didn't really go smoothly and on that occasion I had contacted the sister of one of my PhD students who owned a creche very near our home, she was great but had no space available and then things just improved in the place and we left it at that. Anyway, I contacted her again in October given our cooling feelings for the hold place and incidentally she had two places starting in January, one for Martina and one for Oliver! I went to see the creche straight away and oh my God what a difference! It is a much smaller place of course, but the outdoor space is massive, very well cared for and the children rooms are in little individual wooden houses. The best thing is that the carers have been there for many many years (the two in the baby room they have been there for 15 and 17 years!) and the place feels extremely settled. Another nice thing is that this place is up on the hills, about 2.5km from our home, not really on the way to work but at this stage that doesn't matter. The views from the gardens over the city are stunning, the road to get to the creche is a country side lane, I don't think I ever crossed another car, very very quiet, and fairy tale style really. To add to this, the rates are cheaper and would you believe it, they offer a service of school pick ups when the children go to school!! They collect them, bring them back to the creche, feed them and have their homework done by the time you go and take them home. Phenomenal service.
So I brought both children in for a couple of hours on Wednesday, they both loved it, and by the time it was friday they were in full time. Martina slept easily there and Oliver loves the fact that he can go and see her if he wants. We couldn't be happier, they are safe, they have a great time and lots of love from very experienced (mother-type) carers. So that is one thing sorted for good.

Another update is that both Mike and I feel we have to get back in shape, we are not overweight by any means, but we are not fit at all anymore. I will join the college gym in February and Mike deiced to start training for an adventure race which will take place in April. We can do it. By the time I'm 40 in September, I want to be happy about myself again. This is my new year resolution.

MIL is doing better, it was touch and go for a while and I was worried sick about her, but after a bit of a confrontational conversation with her doctors (I was NOT impressed with the level of care), things started improving a bit. On friday we had a family meeting and I was shocked to hear that the survival rate after a double leg amputation at 12 month is only 30%....let's hope she is in that 30%.

Martina has just today started crawling a little bit, but she much prefers standing which meant we had to lower the mattress in her cot. Her sleep is a bit better, some nights we only have to get up once for a feed. We hope to move her into her room by the end of the month.

Better go now, I'll try and post a bit more often, hope you are all well.

Back in Dublin and MIL update

I flew back with Martina on Sunday, Oliver didn't even blink when I left (I told him I was going home to pick up dad so we could all come back together) and so far the reports from Italy is that he's having a blast.
Life with just one child is soooooo easy it's unbelievable, we seem to have lots of time to do things (and cuddles wohoohhoo!!) and yes of course we look forward to be 4 again but we are enjoying this break too. Martina is still not sleeping, but as of last sunday I definitely stopped breastfeeding (I was only doing the falling asleep feed for the last while). So her routine (buuhahahhh) is that she has a bottle going to bed and then we let her sleep (if she is in the mood to do so) till she wakes for the night bottle around 1 or 2 and we don't feed her anymore till morning (and she is not that hungry at that time either). Last night I slept with earplugs and at the other side of the bed, Mike looked after her for the night and was exhausted this morning...well, what can I say, I have been doing it for the last 7 and half months, welcome to my world! Our plan of sleep training her this week have gone down the drain, I am so overwhelmed with work between scripts to correct, a paper I'd like to submit, a review I have to do and two projects to write by the end of January, I just cannot face nights of endless crying. So i don't know, we'll just put up with it and hope for some change soon.

I wanted to write an update on MIL. Things took a turn a couple of weeks back and she was in so much pain. They decided they had to do more surgery and amputate above the knee. This was the proverbial straw...she has been very very down since, we asked for the hospital to arrange a councillor as she is definitely not coping with the new situation. Mike was telling me that yesterday she was saying things like "life is not worth living anymore" and I don't think she ever ever said those words, despite all the things she has gone through in life. This evening she seemed a bit better and was talking even on her phone (she was hardly talking to anyone for the last few days), so hopefully she can find some new strength. Please if you can keep he in your thoughts it would be much appreciated. We are living on monday to go to Italy and I know Mike has a heavy heart...

Sleep, Love and Pray

This has to be the longest I have not blogged without the excuse of being on holidays. So I have adapted the famous book title to my own needs for a bullet point update.

Sleep. Not. Happening. I can feel I am at the end of my rope here, getting up at 6.30 with a full day of teaching, labs, meetings, research etc AFTER waking up 3-4-5 times a night will eventually take its toll. not every night. Some nights Martina will wake twice at the most. There is NO PATTERN. Last saturday night she woke every hour starting at 4am. Two nights ago she woke at 4 for a feed and then slept till 7.30. Her days are great, she is bubbly, happy and sleeps two/three naps no problem, of appropriate length. At least now for the last while she wakes at night but does not stay awake long at all. I know she will grow out of it eventually, it's not knowing when that will happen that is a killer.

Love. I love my family so much, I love what we have become and how we are growing together. I love watching the children interact, Oliver loves Martina and she thinks he is the most entertaining thing alive.He can do no wrong to her, even when I think he is a bit rough, she laughs her head off and wants more. He speaks to her in Italian most of the time, maybe because I of course do the same and he must think that is the only language she knows! And Oliver is really so sweet and I love how fascinated he is by all the things around him. Did I tell you that one day in the car he asked me "Mamma, where do the clouds go?" and he is fully bilingual, mixing and matching phrases at times and really trying hard to remember new long and difficult words.

At the beginning of November a little imaginary elf called Lenny joined our house. I want to make this a tradition for the time leading up to Christmas, when Santa sends his helpers to check on the children and their behaviour. Our Lenny is a nice, not scary looking elf, that eats coco pops and has a book to keep notes. He will at times be a bit naughty and perhaps tie a not in the leg of Oliver's pj, or put a sock in the sleeve of his jacket! But he can also be very good and rewarding if Oliver has been particularly good and on a couple of nights he put a small chocolate square on Oliver's pillow! We have a picture of him on our fridge door.

Pray. If you have followed my blog for a while you know that this year has been particularly tough for Mike's family. First a cousin of his passed away suddenly around March. Then another cousin was diagnosed with lung and liver cancer (thankfully she is in remission which is some miracle), then his mam was in and out of hospital all summer with some sort of an infection which did not seem to ever go away. More recently an uncle (the father of the cousin that passed away) had some major surgery and went into cardiac arrest. They had to shock him 6 times to bring him back. He has turned a corner and on his way to recovery. Finally, Mike's mam is back in hospital as of last friday. I wrote about her here and here and unfortunately she is going to loose her second leg. More clots have formed and there is nothing more that can be done. Surgery is scheduled for tomorrow. They will try and save the knee, however I can't imagine how she will manage. She never really walked again even with the one prosthesis, so with two it will be just plain impossible. As the news came through yesterday that this was the course of action, we rushed to the hospital, only to find a very happy and positive mother-in-law, looking forward to be done with the pain and joking how she will in fact be able to fly again and go on holidays (she couldn't fly anymore since her circulation in the remaining leg was still so compromised). If you ever think your situation is bad and don't think you can cope, I will happily pass on her phone number, she is out of this world. We know her GP totally screwed up when she went to him with pains in her leg last week and he dismissed her after feeling her calf and saying there was nothing to worry about. He didn't check for pulse, just sent her on her way. The day after she decided to come up to Dublin and get herself checked in. It was too late. There is apparently an 8 hours window where clots could have been resolved with heparin drips and she missed it. If it was me, I would be on to a lawyer and sue the GP. Nope, not MIL. She said she was certainly disappointed with his care and she will change doctor. No point in fussing over what has been done, the outcome won't change. I wish I had her attitude. Please spare some thoughts and prayers as she faces this new challenge.

A holiday, a nanny and a bit of a routine

We are going back to Italy on thursday for a couple of weeks, I really look forward to it but Mike's mam is in the hospital (again) and it's always worrying being away when she is not well. Hopefully she will recover soon, she has been having recurrent infections for the last few weeks and every time it is a big blow to her health. They don't seem to find a therapy that gives her time to recover and as soon as she is back home, she has to go right back in. Please spare a thought for her.

As time is flying by so quickly this time, I realised that I don't want Martina to go to the creche in November, she will be still small I feel and if we can find a way to keep her at home for a little longer it would be better. So in the space of a night I thought of a plan. I have to go back to work in the middle of October for the second half of the teaching semester (6 weeks) but then I can take my annual leave which will bridge me to Christmas holiday and teaching term doesn't start till the third week in January. If we could get a nanny short term for those 6 weeks then Martina would actually get 3 more months at home and we can probably manage to delay her going to the creche till the beginning of February. Well, one of the girls who was working in Oliver's room and for whom I had great respect, quitted a few months ago as she is studying for an MSc in education (and wasn't really getting on well with the manager) so I manage to get in touch with her and she was delighted to work for us! We have not discussed details yet because she went to Greece for a month and we all be back early September for a proper plan. I really hope it works out, she is quite local to where we live and always gave me the impression she loved her job and was very grounded. So fingers crossed! It will be a bit of stretch economically to be honest, but it's for a short time and we have some savings.

As for Martina's routine, so far I have been working on her sleep (no matter where or how it happens) and I now manage to have her in her bed asleep by 9.30 pm. Then she usually wakes around 1.30 am, nurses 10 minutes and is asleep again for a variable time which is longer if she is in my bed. So that's where she stays. Then I try to have her nap in the morning, after lunch and again late afternoon, but she is a cat napper and sleeps for 45 minutes top (on two occasions she slept for 2 hours at lunch time). And Mina is right, no point in stressing about how she will do once in the creche or with the nanny, she will adjust of course so I'm not stressing over it, just trying to organise the day a bit. Now she has a cold/cough combo which is making her miserable, poor baby.
I'm still breastfeeding her, in fact at some point last week she ditched the shield! Happily feeding without them...till my nipples were in bits again...unbelievable...I got a lactation consultant in on friday and she thought Martina may have a tongue tie and I got a referral to have it release. But then I mulled it over and I don't actually think that's true, or not severe enough that snipping it will have any effect, and my friend the paediatric surgeon will come to the house tomorrow to have a look at her himself (he doesn't believe she has it at all in fact) and then decide what to do if anything at all. I'm back on the lanolin and shields and within a few days I was  pain free again, so we keep going till it lasts I suppose. She is 17 weeks today!

Oliver is back to being the sweetest boy I knew, he's now going to bed with no issues, in fact quite happy, kisses Martina good night and sweet dreams (in Italian!) and tells her he's going to bed too! A good night sleep works wonders for him (and anyone in fact) so now his days are happier and much more enjoyable for all involved. Long may it last.

I will check on you my friends, I'll be back early September, be good!

15 weeks and crazy week

Oliver is 15 weeks today! I was thinking lately when I was counting pregnancy weeks. It definitely didn't seem this fast! He is doing very well, we are quite good at sticking to a sleeping routine: he has a nap in the morning (generally in the pram when we are out for our walk) then I'll put him in his crib around 1.30-2pm and he can sleep between 30 mins and 2 hours. Sometimes he has another snooze around 7pm then wakes up for the last feed (between 8 and 9pm) and then back to bed for the night afterwards. In the past week we never had to do the 11pm feed, we lowered the proportion of the low lactose formula and increased the hungry babies one and he's much more satisfied. Hopefully we'll be able to delay solids of any kind for another couple of weeks as recommended. I'm really happy about this. We have also changed the teats in the bottle with a those with a bit faster flow and he seems much happier.

So my last post was on Monday and all was well.

Tuesday started very well. I got awarded grant for a project and let me tell you, these days it ain't easy. Then we got a text that MIL was rushed to hospital as she was unresponsive. I have not updated much on her situation, but after the first amputation back in November they had to operate again in February above the knee as the wound wasn't healing properly. Since then, she was moved to a rehab place (one and half hour drive from Dublin) to start physio. We went visiting her on Sunday and I didn't think she was well. She seemed very frail and weak. But happy to see us and Oliver of course, we went out for coffee and it was a nice afternoon. So the text shocked us no end. The news seemed to be that she had a stroke, probably a very mild one, and when she came round she had no speech issues and only the left arm felt a bit limp and sore. Anyway, she was sent back to the rehab place like nothing happened. I can't say enough how bad small hospitals can be...

On top of this, we had a family of four for dinner. I had prepared pizza since the day before, it was a great evening, but I was wrecked afterwards. We got our video camera and already started filming Oliver (clip will be posted in the near future!).

Wednesday The car seat arrived and Mike fitted it in his car. We went to college together and I had something like 3 meetings (while officially on maternity leave of course). Came home and headed straight to a residents' meeting. Back home around 9.30pm. Quick dinner and straight to bed.

Thursday morning was fine, Oliver and I went for a nice walk in the park and got back home at lunch time. At 2 pm the builders arrived to do work on the attic floor. Oliver didn't sleep at all and by the time they left he was in a mess. Crying, unsettled, tired but couldn't sleep...the works. At 7pm some relatives came to visit. They staid till over 9 pm. Let me just say it didn't help matters. Plus, my period showed up unexpected (24 days since the last time).

Friday I woke up after dreaming I was dead. Seriously. Can you imagine anything more depressing? But it turned out to be quite a good day. Oliver was back to is placid self, I got a lot done, The Ultimate Vet Hero came over for lunch (Patches has an ulcer in his eye, just to add to his load) and told me she'll be moving back to Cali in November. So so sad, I'll miss her a lot, I didn't think she was going to go so soon. But it means we'll definitely go visiting her in Summer 2012. On the other hand, I doubt we'll find another Vet Hero for Patches, let's hope I've learnt enough to keep him alive and well! Then our high-chair arrived wohoo!

And now it's Saturday. Let's recharge the batteries and hoping for a calmer week!

Still alive and 33 weeks!

We had really severe weather so college only reopened today! In the temporary apartment I have no broadband and updating from the phone is not great, hence the silence!

First of all, thank you for your kind comments on MIL, after a shaky couple of days she is doing brilliantly, she's in great form and the physiotherapist is so impressed with her progress (she's can transfer herself from the bed to the wheelchair unassisted) that they are talking of sending her to a rehab structure within a week! This people is once again a sign of what a fantastic woman she is. FIL is the one that seems to cope worse and hopefully he'll come to term with it soon.

On the other relatives I have no updates, it seems that in one case all is clear thankfully while in the other we still don't know.

And I just noticed that little Elvis is as big as a honeydew!! This is the second last fruit!! Amazing.

So some update on the pregnancy. I am definitely more tired. Similar to how I felt in the first trimester with the added weight though. And talking about weight...the scale said I'm up another kg so I've hit +15 eek!! Ah well, not too bothered really, I will work to lose the weight afterwards! I'm having cramps in my calves and don't sleep that well at all. I do get up at least twice a night for a pee and a sip of water, I have stuffed nose and occasional headaches....but I'll take anything that comes my way!

Another thing is that Mike pointed out at the weekend that I have a "line" developing below my bellybutton! It's the linea nigra!! It's barely visible and nothing like what some ladies get, but still I like it! According to this website which reports all the old wives' tales this would mean that Elvis is an Elvissina! Same as the heart rate and the fact that I'm craving for sweet things....mmhhh not long now until we know...

Movements are very regular, sometime really ticklish when Elvis rolls his foot to my side!

Mike is going to Mexico on friday boohooo between a bit of anxiety about his trip and the fact that he'll be missing the scan and the next OB visit I'm not doing too well on that front, but I'm sure it'll be ok.

Next on the agenda is the big scan on friday (placenta check and measurements etc).

...and mom is coming this evening!! So that I won't be alone when Mike is away! So that's very nice.

Finally the attic is progressing at the speed of light, they are starting plastering today! Woohoo! This means all the major jobs are finished and I absolutely love the place!

MIL, weather and other updates

Thank you to all of you for the kind thoughts on MIL. Surgery went well, they amputated the leg below the knee so once she gets a prosthesis she will be able to walk a bit more naturally. We have not seen her yesterday, we planned to go to the hospital (which is at the other side of the city from where we live) but the weather and traffic were so bad it was absolutely impossible. It took us two hours to get home from work (normally it's no more than 20 minutes). We will go today.

Weather is really cold and it keeps snowing. So Ireland doesn't do snow well at all, it happened in January too. Schools are closed, roads are at various levels of danger (depending whether they salted them so it's very slushy or not and so it's hard snow/ice), cars are not equipped with winter tyres so they are all over the place and drivers are either way too careful (they could walk instead at the speed they are going) or not enough. College issued a statement they are shutting down now and probably will be closed tomorrow too. Given that it's the last week of term with plenty of lectures and labs to finish I don't know how they can fix it. I had less than half the class this morning and thankfully I only had very light material which is not part of the exam. But tomorrow and firday I have three hours teaching plus continuous assessment with the final year students and we'll have to find a way of having those hours done. You see, next week is revision week and then exams starts immediately running till the 22nd of December, there was really no contingency plan in place. We'll see.

More bad news came last night from various relatives in Mike's family, I won't go into details but let's say that things are looking quite bad or at least two of them and feel very sorry for them.

I'm just waiting for Mike to arrive and we go home!

OB upate and MIL

The visit went very well. Due to the heavy snowfall a few people had cancelled their appointment so we had plenty of time with Dr. L. Elvis is growing well (belly measures 33 weeks), fluids all around look good but the placenta is still low. So we have scheduled a more accurate scan for the 10th of December, just before my next appointment with the OB on the 14th. Note that for both visit Mike won't be with me as he's off to a conference in Mexico, so my mum will come along instead. Urine sample and blood pressure checked out perfect which is great. We also chatted a bit about how things are going and so I told him that like he predicted I'm getting a bit nervous about the due date and vaginal delivery. Not for the pain of labour at all, but mostly about things that can go wrong (I know, same old me). I told him I have this image of the umbilical cord wrapped around the baby (which he then checked with the scan and the cord is nice were it should be with plenty of room and seemed to be going from his belly up into the placenta!) and that he may get oxygen deprived during birth. Again he said they will be monitoring the baby very closely during labour and intervene immediately if they think there is any sign of distress, but that all the options are open to me, that there is no rush in deciding as we can schedule a c-section at a very late notice (it would happen a week before the due date). Once again I was very reassured and happily went on my way. I so love the appointments being so close together!

So all was good. Until I got a call from Mike. I had not written about this as I was hoping to be able to write part 2 of MIL story when everything had settled down, but things have taken a turn for the worse unfortunately. MIL has been in hospital for the last 8 weeks (with a brief time off in the middle) for clots in her right leg. They have attempted several procedures to by-pass the clots and restore blood flow to the foot, but her veins and arteries are so compromised that there is no improvement in her circulation. This is such a painful condition she's on pain medication almost constantly. They evaluated the possibility to do a chemical block to the nerve so that she wouldn't feel pain and could exercise the leg a bit. As of Friday this was no longer an option as the nerve the would need to intervene on is too close to the kidney (she had a kidney transplant 20 years ago) and they could not risk it. Last night we were informed that they were considering amputating her leg towards the end of the week. This morning the situation must have looked different as Mike got the call from the consultant that they are going ahead with the surgery today. While this would be a dreaded solution to most people, MIL is looking forward to being pain free (it may give you an idea of how painful the leg is). I believe she's in surgery now. They couldn't tell where they would amputate, if below or above the knee until they are operating. Any thoughts you have to spare for her please do so, she is a fantastic woman and I want Elvis to spend plenty of time with her grandmother. I'll update when I have news.

Do they make them like this anymore? Part 1

While waiting for my scan tomorrow I'm trying to distract myself reading and commenting on other blogs, but there is one story I would like to share with you and is that of my mother-in-law. I'll break the story in parts so not to have a very long single post, but this is a woman who has gone through a lot and I never heard her complaining.

Yes, we are very different people, different upbringing and certainly different ideas on many aspects of life. But when it come to face difficulties this woman is truly inspiring.

MIL got married some 45 years ago in Ireland. A year later, right on track she was pregnant. My SIL was born and they were a very happy family. But MIL kept having a very high blood pressure even months after SIL was born, and when eventually she was checked out, she was diagnosed with severe kidney failure. I think probably at that time she had something like 30% of her kidney functionality. She was told she will have to be on dialysis and put on a transplant list but meanwhile to make sure she didn't get pregnant as she would not have survived childbirth. Note that in Ireland contraception was illegal at the time, and I didn't really ask how they went about it. MIL suggested to adopt another child, it was very popular and quite easy at the time, but FIL was not on board. So she was resigned to a family of three and went on with her life.

Five years went by and one day she realises she is pregnant. It's a death sentence as far as she knows. But what can she do? She has no option, or she doesn't want the option. Being very religious I'm sure she believed that this was her path and she would have taken whatever was coming. Can you imagine being pregnant and knowing your life is going to end possibly without you ever seeing the baby? To be honest I don't know how she coped. She told me she only bought one small outfit for the baby, she wouldn't have been the one to see him growing up, better leave it to whoever would have looked after him. I'm sure she had things organised, she wouldn't just leave it to her husband to sort it out afterwords. When she thinks of that time she tears up every time. But she also tells the story as a very matter of fact, not to have you feel sorry for her or anything. The time comes and she comes to Dublin to deliver the baby. Hospitals here are not super nowadays, I can't even imagine what they were 37 years ago and rural Ireland was definitely not the place to give birth when complications (ie maternal death) were expected. Mike was born and MIL didn't die. She had her kidney rechecked and amazingly no further damage from the second pregnancy was caused.

Mike grew up with his mom in and out of hospitals. Sometimes it was for just a few days, some others for much longer. She suffered a massive internal haemorrhage at one point due to poorly managed blood thinning agents and Mike recalls being in the hospital with the priest by her bed for the final rights.

Eventually after years of dialysis she gets the call that a kidney had become available for her. She was so lucky to find a perfect match and the kidney was only six years old. This happened about 20 years go and she was given a new life.

To be continued.