Adoption news!

Because of course they come all at once!

You may remember that we got our waiting list number on the 19th of May. Also we were told that probably sometime early next year we would have been called for the prep course so that we had to organise our FET and consider the possibility of another cycle to be finished at least six months prior to the prep course (here they are quite strict about not overlapping the two paths).

So you can imagine my surprise when I got a voice-mail on my mobile AND in my office answering machine by Linda from the Adoption Board asking to call back asap. So I did. She said they have gone through a lot of people lately and were trying to find out who was still available for prep courses, it would have been fairly short notice but they were having difficulties in filling the courses. I asked what time-frame were we talking about and she said the next group will start this July! Can you believe it?? She remembered of course we still wanted to have fertility treatment and wondered where we were with that...thankfully I had prepared for such a question and said we were waiting to see how our frozen cycle had gone. I just didn't feel ready to tell we were pregnant. It's still so so early. She wished me luck and said to let her know that we could be on the course starting in September if we wanted to. Wow. I really hope Elvis will continue to grow and will stick around for the next 32 weeks and we may go on the prep course next year as we had originally planned for our second addition to the family.

A blog sister got a terrible news yesterday, her baby had stopped growing, please if you have time stop by and give your love to Alex. We were practically at the same stage of pregnancy and my heart is in pieces for her loss.

123 ***Update: Adoption news!***

I just got the call. Beta doubled from 52 (I can't believe I always hear the numbers wrong! Not that it's a major difference of course but still...am I going deaf or something?) to 123.

I then also rechecked my old posts and my first beta in August was 57 not 67! Where do I have my head I don't know. So we are pretty much in the same ballpark figure.

I kept telling myself that I would have been very happy with a 110 so I should be really really happy with 123....but probably deep deep down I was hoping for a number around 150...I know I know... never happy around here.

The HCG calculator says I'm bang on the mean values, ok maybe slightly lower:

But I won't be fooled I know it means nothing really. The doubling time is also good apparently, around 37.84 hours. It is a step in the right direction AND it was a frozen little embryo so my Elvis is doing well so far. The Doctor was very happy and said at 12dp5dt they are happy with anything near 100. So I'll take the 123.

Thanks so much for your comments on my last post, I think I have calm down in that respect. And certainly this evening we have a lot to think about with the packing, Patches going to the foster home for the holiday and the Dude going to the cattery tomorrow morning! So I'll keep busy!

Oh, of course I had POAS this morning so I knew the line was definitely darker, and again the comparison saga took place! And by the way, I too have them all photographed and in a folder on my computer! What can I say, I want to try and enjoy the holiday, it will go whichever way it's supposed to be. Checking out for now, I'll miss you all, I'll try and post from Italy to let you know how things are going!

***Update. I just had to update the blog! When we got home this evening we had mail. It was from the adoption board!! We finally got our waiting list number!! It's 4483. We have no idea what number they are dealing with at present, but it's nice to finally BE a number too!! Of course we deeply hope we will have to postpone our prep course next year as we may be busy with Elvis, but it's still great we have been finally deemed suitable to at least attend the course!

Patches has been brought to the foster home and settled in very well, they love him already and he did all the cute things at the right time! We are confident he'll be well and they'll enjoy his company. That's it for now, I haven't packed a thing yet, I'm really tired and still have to do ll the evening injections...***

Hectic!

I'm quite behind in reading your updates my friends, I knew this was going to be a week from Hell in work, very long tiring days with zillions of things to do and run to and from. I can't wait for the weekend!

I booked my scans this morning, all bright and early! I should get the official schedule next week.

I also got a reply from the nice lady in the Adoption Board which basically said she couldn't do anything for me until the panel approved our application but she said she forwarded the email to the Social Work Section and that they will reply to my email also. I emailed her back to let her know that I appreciate her support but that I won't hold my breath for the SWS to get back to me as they still have not replied to the email she forwarded on to them for us on the 2nd of December 2009!!

Tomorrow is a big day for my blog friend BB. Her twins will be born! We were cycle buddies last summer, same day ER, same day ET. She is truly amazing, and touched my heart by sending me a beautiful charm. Thank you BB and you'll be an amazing mum, I have everything crossed!

Attic update: our application has been validated and now they have until the 11th of May to make a decision. Basically just after my transfer!! Let's hope at least one thing will go to plan, we can't be too greedy...

Yoga and Goddess Gathering: on tuesday night I went to this Goddess gathering organised by my Yoga teacher. It was really great!! Chanting and connecting with the various chakra, I felt so relaxed afterwards and in tune. Have you ever heard of such a thing as the Goddess gathering? It was the first time for me, it is a bit hippy stile in fairness but I enjoyed it.

Finally, some of you asked me why my clinic doesn't do FET on natural cycles. Well, the true answer is that they like you to be in line with their scheduling and definitely don't want to chance that you may need to go in at weekends. They also say that they got better results on medicated cycles than natural ones but this one to me is more like the "official" version...and by the way, would you not want to try this Viagra at least once? And on prescription after all!!

FET.Scheduled. Bring-It-On!

This morning I booked my follow-up appointment with Dr. B for the 26th of April (about 6 weeks after the hysteroscopy). It so happens that the 26th is also the day of the viva of my second PhD student so I had to make sure I was the first patient to be seen in the morning and agree with the examiner that the viva will start around 11 am.

Next I left a message for the nurse in the clinic just to inform her that I was already on the pill and hoping to get soon dates for my FET for May. I got a call back and we agreed on a tentative transfer for the 7th of May woohoo! They don't do natural FET so it'll have to be a medicated one.

Here's the schedule:

Last pill on the 12th of April (only 3 weeks!!!)

Suprefact starting on the 8th of April.

Scans: 19th, 26th (damn!) and 30th of April.

In tune with my meditation exercises I'll be living this new journey in the now and let this FET just be.

I then phoned Mike to tell him we had dates from the clinic and after the few seconds of actually understanding what I was talking about, his main question was "That's fantastic! When will you start the Viagra?" Ahh bless him!

And finally a great news today, do you remember my friend C? The one who was going also through IVF at the time of my ectopic last year? Well, after a failed cycle, she got today a BFP after a FET!! This is amazing news given that she used her own eggs and she's no spring chicken at 45!!! Well done C, please God it'll all go well for you my friend.

One final thing I did today: I emailed the Adoption Board saying that they should really amend the time-frame they give to potential adoptive parents at the preliminary meeting on when things are happening. That it was disgraceful (ok, I didn't use such a strong word, I still need them to process our damn documents!) that we were told 4-6 month to get a waiting list number and we are hitting 10 with no sign of it. We'll see if the social workers have the decency to reply. I doubt it though. And now a deep breath and....out again ..... I can't do anything about this, might just as well let it go and not let it bother me any longer.

ICLW welcome

It's that time again! Wow, time flies really.

So my story is all summarised on the left hand-side, I did this very recently and I think it's really handy to get to know people quickly and see if we have something in common.

Today it's also the first day of Spring, so happy Spring to all those in the Northern Hemisphere! I can't wait for the long bright evenings.

Where are we at...let's see, I got my period yesterday so I'm back on the pill whoohoo! I had called the clinic on Friday to schedule my FET (stay tune for the Viagra side effect!) and I'll be getting my dates probably tomorrow or tuesday, the plan is to go ahead with the transfer at the very beginning of May. After the hysteroscopy I have to have 6 weeks of recovery according to Dr. B, but it's actually 4 everywhere else in the Web-World so given that I don't have to stim I'll go with the 6 weeks max before the transfer. Given that we have only 1 blast (day6) frozen and that the chance of it not surviving the thaw are real, I kind of feel I want to move on quickly. We have also planned hour holidays and we are leaving on the 20th of May so I want to have the FET over by then!

For the new readers, we are also pursuing adoption and we are reaching 10 month in April since we sent all our documents and we have heard nothing. The problem with that is that we have been told we should hear shortly and at that point we'll be on a waiting list for a prep course (sometime between 12 and 18 month away). 6 months before the course starts we'll have to stop any IVF treatment. So, you see, if this FET fails, I want to make sure I have the time for another fresh cycle!

Finally, we brought Patches to the vet this morning for a check up after he finished the antibiotics, he got a final injection to cover for the next 2 weeks and the idea is to check for polyps in his throat when he'll get neutered in a few weeks time. It may still be the cause for the heavy breathing!

Happy ICLW everyone, looking forward to making new friends!

Attic, Adoption and Kittens

Something is moving right along and something else is at a stand still...

Attic: Planning application is in! We need to wait 5 weeks before we know if someone has complained (hopefully not!) and then we should hear from the planning office and how they rule on our proposal! Right on target, we absolutely love our architect.

Adoption: You may recall that 3 weeks ago, right after my BFN, I got a surprise call from the Adoption Board, Miss L needed some extra info and said she would write up a quick report and then we should be ready to be put on the waiting list. She added to call if I didn't hear anything within 3 weeks. So, of course I hadn't. I called this morning, left a message, she called back and said that now our application was with the medical board that had to check MIL medical history and then move us to the the final board (I think that one must be right beside God....it seems so difficult to get to that level...). Also whoever had to look at our application is off sick this week, so it'll be next week at the earliest....And suddenly it all sounded like old music. Not holding my breath to be honest with you, I think now we'll have plenty of time to do two ICSI if we have to. This thing that we may be on a prep course within a year looks more and more like one of those lies they tell terminal patients (you'll get better soon). So not in great mood about this as you can imagine. L was really nice, she said to call again in a few weeks if we still have no news. Yeah, right.

Kittens: They are both very very well, and inseparable. They got they second vaccination this evening and although they didn't enjoy it it wasn't much of drama!

My acupuncture went very well, I feel much better and yoga also was great. So this is my news! Can't wait for the weekend and the London retreat!!

ICLW lifesaver week

Thank God it's here. The ICLW week I mean. When I signed up for this round I was starting my ICSI #3 and of course I didn't know which three words to put down. I think I put "uncertainty" as one of them. Well, that's definitely the right word for my current situation.

Let's recap for the new readers:

IUI: 1

ICSI fresh attempts: 3

FET: 2

BFP: 2

Ectopic pregnancies: 2 (the same two as the BFP)

Tubes left: 0

Penguins available: 1

Needless to say, it is difficult to stay positive, I have my WTF review on tuesday and I hope we will have a strategy for what to do next. After the BFN just last week, I started looking into other options such as surrogacy, thinking that it's my uterus that has something wrong, but upon researching a good bit that doesn't seem to be a likely cause in our case. It could be just the chance of bad embryos like I blogged about a few days ago. We always made it to blasts, even from frozen transfers, but who knows.

My cycle-buddies all got pregnant, as it always happens with me, and the title of my blog never felt more appropriate (a part from the fact that it was not an easy journey for them either).

On our plate there is also the adoption route. After months of silence (we put in our application in June 09), I got a call last week that everything is now in order and we will receive a waiting list number for the preparation course within 3 weeks. The course will be available to us probably in 12 months (18 at the latest) and this means that our infertility treatments have now a time limit because we have to stop them 6 months prior to the beginning of the course.

So how do I cope with the difficulties I'm facing at the moment? Well, a part from the fantastic support of my cyber-friends and some IRL people, I finally convinced Mike to add fur-babies to our household! And on tuesday we'll pick up two young cats from one of the shelters! Pictures and names will be revealed then! Do stay tuned!

The Fertility Goddess (for others of course!)

Well well well, some of you know this already, I seem to be a very good lucky charm for whoever cycles with me!! It started on my very first cycle, even before I had a blog back in 2008. I was cycling at the same time as two gilrs on a local board, we all got pregnant even if mine wasn't meant to be. On my second fresh cycle last summer I had four cyber-blog-friends within a couple of days of transfer . Again, we all got pregnant, for two of us it wasn't meant to be, one is having a boy and the other two are having twins!

And this time I had two cyber-blog-friends cycling with me, one just announced her pregnancy!! Congratulation tireegal I'll be moving you soon to the "other" list!! The other one, Wishi, is very good and won't test early, but her beta day is on Saturday! I am so confident this is her time!

So, am I a Fertility Goddess for others? But what about me?? Where is my Fertility Goddess?? Would you stop hiding??

I'm selling tickets next time!! And I wonder...can I put in on my CV?

Anyway, this morning I had to test again to confirm the BFN and call the clinic. Done now, it wasn't too bad. And review on tuesday so really not long now.

So there was the need for a good news around here and I got a call from the adoption board!! Can you believe it?? They wanted some final clarifications on MIL kidney transplant (that it wasn't a genetic issue) and also know more about our IVF plans. So I knew they have no problem with IVFers but they want a full commitment from 6 months prior the beginning of the preparation course. Given that they had told us the waiting list was 18-24 months is not like we were under any pressure. I was very honest, their latest file was updated last June so they didn't know about the second ectopic and obviously about this latest failure. I asked what was the current waiting time for the prep course and she said...drums please...12 months from now!!! That's much sooner than expected!! We should get our number within 3 weeks and if not to call her! I mean...she said to call her!! In any case we'll be called six months before the start of the course so that we can resubmit the medicals on fertility treatments and make sure we have a decision then. Holy cow! This means that we'll definitely cycle again in the summer (queue here please, priority boarding first! no pushing... the Fertility Goddess can deal with as many as 50 cyclers!) and we'll see how it goes!

On the puppy front. Thanks so much for all the comments, this definitely convinced us completely! We'll go to the DSPCA tomorrow (thanks C!) and we see what's there. I also already found a daycare for dogs! Although we are not sure yet if i's going to be a dog (or two!) or a cat (or two!!)

Note: Linda if you are reading, drop me an email and I'll tell you more about transfer and ectopic pregnancies, I couldn't find your email address!

So what now

Thanks to each and everyone of you. I just have no words. Thanks for all the tips on having a pet, I think Mike is nearly convinced!!! We may go for a small dog, there are many places around where we are that will take it if we go out of the Country, so it's doable!! I'll keep you posted of course.

I read a lot yesterday if it's really possible that my uterus is "unsuitable" for pregnancies like I feared. I found a clinic in Chicago that deals with failed implantation and that has a very informative website on all the known causes of pre-implantation loss, peri-implantation loss and of course post-implantation loss. I'll post it here because it was really helpful

http://www.illinoisivf.com/recurrent-pregnancy-loss/index-rpl.html

I would be in the category of either pre- or peri-implantation loss. I don't have hormonal issues (ie I do respond to estrogen and progesterone and my lining thickens), I don't seem to have a physical uterine issues (polyps, submucous fybroids or scarring) and I'm dealing with the mild immuno issues with the intralipids. So it could in fact have been the embryos.

"Data from preimplantation genetic diagnosis suggest that 30% to 90% of in vitro fertilized eggs depending on maternal age are chromosomally abnormal. Furthermore, it has been estimated that 75% of karyotypically normal pre-implantation embryos fail to implant."

That's sound like there is a chance that maybe next time we'll be ok! We still got two pregnancies out of 5 transfers (plus one chemical at the second FET), so really we are well within the stats (still it sucks that it didn't work!).

The other thing is the position of the transfer. It's a very fine line and I think given that I don't have tubes any more we may risk a higher transfer next time.

My WTF phone-appointment is scheduled for next tuesday, I'll ask if it's worth my while having a third laparoscopy, to tidy properly the left over stumps of the tubes, remove the external fybroid and perhaps having a look to see if I do have any scarring from my exploratory lap&dye and D&C back in December 07. I'll ask also about surrogacy in Ireland, a friend yesterday said she'll be our carrier...can you believe that? Although I was moved by her gesture I don't think she thought it through and I'm not sure if she would even be suitable (she's 3 years older than me, had hormonal issues in past etc.). Still it was so generous for her to offer.

No calls from the adoption board of course, not sure what to do, if you are seen as an impatient harasser it doesn't really work in your favour!

Overall I feel well, my scientific thirst for knowledge is satisfied for now and I feel more relaxed about our future chances. I went to yoga yesterday and it was great, gong again this evening for a "Goddess gathering" of meditation and positive energy! Just what the doctor ordered!

Miracles happen...

...to other people only.

I know most of you still were hopeful and I thank you for that. But I knew. I even dreamt of a negative pregnancy test last night and I told Mike this morning before testing. So we were both prepared. I think Mike can't believe that I have this sixth sense for many things that have to do with my body. Of course I'm not always right, but mostly I am.

Last night I had a good cry, with sobs and the whole lot while having a shower. I let it all out then and I was fine this morning when the test just confirmed my feelings. There's no hope i's going to become positive and if it does then it's even worse news.

I called the clinic to cancel my intralipid, I left a message to the nurses to see what I have to do with the meds, they'll call back.

I'll be booking a WTF review meeting on friday, when I'll call again. I am a bit hopeful now again that it may work next time. Out of 3 fresh cycle we got two pregnancies, a 100% success would be quite unlikely in any case, but we'll see what the doctor will say.

I have called the Adoption people to see where our application is at, I left a message, we'll see if they call back, certainly our file has not made its way to the Adoption Board yet but it's still with the HSE for assessment. How frustrating...

I also got some info through a local board about surrogacy, that may be an option but I'll have to check better, I have been fortunate that one girl is going through the surrogacy process at the moment and she' happy to share! So I'll call her his evening.

It makes me feel better to know that we may have options.

Also Mike is nearly giving in to get a pet!! Only concern is what do we do when we go on holidays...but I told him I need take care of something small...

6pm day3, no news and other updates

Ok it's 6pm. No call from the clinic.

I have undoubtedly become more nervous over the fate of the 5 little heroes. Last night I couldn't really sleep much, and tried to meditate a bit and live in the present rather than imagining the future. I eventually dreamt of babies. Somehow we had two in the house (not our babies though) and I was given one to hold. It was soooooo heavy!! I nearly dropped it! How could I have been so weak? Ah well, I will get stronger.

Today I spent most of the day working. Emails, projects, budgets, reformatting the old computer (still updating since last night...man...no wonder I had to change it) and slowly but surely the crucial hours between 12 and 3pm went by. Then I started thinking maybe they won't go in checking on the embryos until later in the afternoon, so I was a bit on edge until 6pm. They didn't call, at least one is still alive. Tomorrow they will call with news of any kind, I'm trying to think positively and prepare myself emotionally to welcome these little fighter(s). I told you I would have been back in the loop in no time at all. I didn't have a single symptom of OHSS still I will have to go in for a scan on Monday morning. Mike had booked it on the way out from the clinic on Wednesday after ER and I kind of remembered about it only yesterday. I am kind of hoping for some form of confrontation with the nurse. I was also thinking at how I will write a letter of complaint if no embryo survives until transfer. Hopefully I won't have to. Isn't it terrible the kind of tricks the mind plays at night?

On other fronts, given that life goes ahead when we are concentrating on other things, our architect came over on Thursday with the plans for the attic conversion! We loved it! So spacious! We only asked to modify slightly the bathroom so that it'll have a small window and a bigger shower. Next week he's going to send us the updated plan by mail (I'll post the plans then) and he thinks we are ready to submit for planning application to the County Council!! If nothing else happens, at least this is very exciting!

It's also now February, still not a word on the adoption front, this is an utter scandal in my opinion. 8 months have now passed and we still have no idea what our placement on the waiting list is going to be. No reply to my last email a month ago either. Did I tell you? Apparently the same office that deals with adoption requests also deals with the swine flu!! How ridiculous is that? So they can work on adoptions only every other week....some aspects of Ireland are unreal.

Frost all around

Thank you all for the comments, I have felt a bit better lately so hopefully the scary-gray-thoughts will give me some space.

We arrived yesterday in a frosted Dublin. There is snow and ice where we live and although I love looking outthe window, I'd never get out of bed! So this morning we decided to take it easy,I'm sure some colleagues would have been back today, but most won't be in until next week I'd say, so no one would mind me not being in early. We enjoyed our bed no end and cuddled for a while until I got a text from one of my students saying that our building, and in fact the whole of Science was without electricity and not to bother coming in! Oh my...it was just like Christmas! I have been working a bit from home, but mostly done things around the house.

One great news on the attic project is that we got our second quotation and it came in at less than half the price! Plus we know the architect and he lives in our same estate, so we know he knows the development very well. He's also from mainland Europe so I kind of think he'll understand my taste better. Anyway, we obviously checked that his proposal covered the same aspects as the previous one and it does, so I have emailed him this morning to say we woudl like to go ahead with the planning!! That's really exciting.

On the other hand, we still have not heard back from the adoption people. This is very disheartening to say the least. You can't be too nagging of course, but still...it's since October that we know our application has been checked and sits with the Board, it should have been a couple of weeks turn around (still taking nearly 5 months since we lodged our application at the beginning of June) to finally get a waiting list number for our preparation course. Which will still be years away. I am thinking of emailing the kind lady again, I know it' out of her hands now, but maybe she can ask around.

Yesterday, I have started my second week of the pill and a part from a bit of headache is going well, I don't think I have put on weight this time! Only 12 more days anyway!

And meditation is still "hot" in my agenda. The book I got is written by Maneesha James and the website I linked is only one of the many I found. She talks about meditation according to the teaching of Osho (I've only learnt about his existance myself!) and I found it very very calming and empowering. The book has also a CD with a guided meditation known as "Tuning into the Moment" which is amazing too. The only thing I miss now is a little statue of Buddha!

The attic project update and the rest

We have made some more progress in the red tape for the project! The directors have no objection in principles and don't see a problem in us opening windows on the side wall either, they will want to see the plans before singning off on it though. So that's great!
The architect has posted the budget proposal to us this morning so we should soon know what kind of money we are talking about. More news on this coming soon.

Today I'm so very happy for my cyber friend C who has seen a heartbeat today after a lot of spotting and bleeding and she certainly deserve a good happy ending this time.
And then there is Sam who's testing tomorrow and I'm so so hopeful it'll be 3rd time lucky! Come on my friend, it'll have to be your time this time.
On the other hand, another cyber friend from a local board had a BFN and I'm really sorry for her...she also suffered an ectopic, lost both tubes and finally lost an IVF pregnancy at 31 weeks...I cannot even imagine how heartbroken she must be. But she'll go again and I have everyting crossed it'll work out the next time.
I went to the clinic on monday, paid my deposit and booked all the scans for January!! I have to say, the sight of my file would make a stone cry....it must be 5cm thick by now...enough, 2010 better be the year that file closes!

Finally I've been looking a lot into american agencies for the adoption project. Very very few would work with non-US families but I did find one that gave me loads of info. Now, we are still ages away from anything happening, we haven't even heard back on our documents sent out 6 (six!) months ago. And that's just to get a number to get on a waiting list for a preparation course...can you imagine? The waiting list will probably be a couple of years long. You really need to be committed, but the governament here really really should work on this because it's appalling. If any of you in the States knows of any reputable place we could contact so that at least after the course there won't be anoher three years wait to be matched, please let me know.

A plan is shaping up in my head

I've been a very good ICLW member this time around and I'm very proud of myself (pat pat on my shoulders!) and it happened that I came across a blog in which one of the posts was about finding a proper balance between updating your own blog and commenting on others'. I think I comment more or less on all the blog I follow very regularly but I do feel I'm not postin much on my own at the moment. Of course I'm not cycling, nor I have the hope of a BFP at the end of a 2ww, so I'm not sure what to blog about. This is an IF blog so shall I post about the life that is going on regardless in the background? Let me know my dear followers, what you think.

But on the IF front I started feeling ready to go again. That's brilliant. I mean, it's a brilliant feeling. And so if AF shows up on time around next weekend, I think I'll phone the clinic and speak to the Favourite Doctor and see if we can schedule a cycle for the New Year. Due to the methotrexate shot on the 16th of September, I couldn't cycle before the end of the year in anycase, but maybe I can get nice dates in January leading to February? Ideally I would want to be on the pill for the shortest time possible and assuming that the cycles are normal enough I'll propose to start the pill with the December cycle and then we'll see the clinic calendar for dates at the end of January. How's this for a plan? I haven't said anything to Mike yet, I want to make sure I'll feel the same when AF shows up!
No news on the Ectopic Support Group yet, and no news from the Adoption Board yet (I guess it shouldn't be too long now, all the documents have been evaluated by the individual units and gathered together for the approval of the Board).
Also no progress on buying a new house, so we converted our plans into trying to .... convert the attic of our exiting home! It won't be a straight forward job as we live in a duplex and have to respect apartment type "house rules" but...one step at the time and hopefully we'll get a plan approved!

New alternative experience

I want to thank you all for your kind words of support. Elliej my dear friend thank you so much for checking on me, I'd love to know how you are doing. Cathy your post was so true and you are right I should be thankful for the possibilities I have (and I am, but a reminder is always welcome!). Flower, Sweet Georgia, Sandra and Clare I am so lucky to have you looking after me and I want you all to know this means a lot!!

So I suppose all your positive messages have done the trick, I do feel much better and more positive. On friday I went to see a girl that does acupuncture, holistic massage and reiki. She combines all this in one session or whichever way you woudl like according to your needs. I loved her! She's french, young and her studio has a great positive energy. So I didn't feel like having acupuncture but she put those sticky beads on some acu-points just to induce some relaxation. She then perform reiki on me, I never got it done before, so I can't really tell much a part from the fact that it was a truly relaxing experience, I even had a dream! Not sure if it has anything to do with the fact that finally my tension headache has gone. It was so psycosomatic I was annoied with myself. But now I keep saying to myself positive things (affirmations) and I find it helps a lot too.
Last night I started the injections, all good, nothing to report even the Clex.ane was fine. Had also a good night sleep despite the steroids, let's hope it'll last!
Then I got my hair done this morning and I feel really good about myself now. Since I stopped the pill I have already lost 2 kilos! Wowowowo!! Go me!! It was definitely fluid retention. So only 4 more to go but I'm very happy already.
So here are my affirmations:
I AM POSITIVE ABOUT THIS NEW CYCLE....
I FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF....
THINGS WILL BE FINE...
AND I AM HAPPY...

Oh and something is happening on the adoption front too! Our referees have been contacted already and they are checking out our consultants at the moment! It's great to know our documents are not just sitting on someone's desk!

ICSI and Adoption: incompatible?

I warn you, this post may be a bit confused(ing)!

In a chat with some friends of an Italian forum, we started expressing opinions on why people chose to adopt. A girl who has already adopted was adamant that it is foundamental to have overcome the grief of the lack of a biological child to be able to embrace adoption.
I am quite puzzled. I personally want to adopt no matter what. Of course I know that for some (many?) couple the possiblity to adopt a child is only explored when your own one doesn't come. But there are couple with children of their own wanting to adopt another one.

Am I seen differently because in fact it happens that we are infertile?

Apparently, some social workers want you to make a decision pretty quickly, it is either going to be IVF or adoption. I understand that if and when you are decleared suitable to adopt, all your energy must be focussed on getting the new chlild home and make him/her feel special, but is it wrong to keep pursuing the IVF route in the meantime?

Another girl on the same forum expressed her views and I suddently realised I felt the same way. She said she doesn't need to be called mum, but she needs to hug a child and give him/her all the love she's capable of.

No last minute surprise

Ah well what can you do. Test still negative and this chapter is quickly closing. We have finished all our frosties and we'll have to do a new fresh cycle. Hopefully the clinic won't have too much of a long waiting list, we'll know on the 11th I suppose.

One thing I also want to say here: forums are absolutely fantastics. I have joined a good few of them and I have always found myself at home. And this time again the girls were there for me, their messages are so sincere and real. Even though I only know a handful of them in person. Even though they are cyberfriends. Even tough I may never met them most of them in real life. They are like the shoulder were you can cry without having to pretend that you are strong, they understand. They have been there too. They are encouraging, full of positive stories and suggestions. Elettra has been keeping me company with messages in the last few days and I never exchanged a message with her before. But she was there. And so were all the others. I don't know how I would have survived without you girls. Thanks for being there.

One final thing.
Today I told my mum that we are thinking also about adoption. To tell the truth it's a good while we've been thinking about it and we have gathered a lot of documents already, only a few still missing and then we'll send off the big envelop! My sister is in fact getting documents for me from home and she'll be sending them over here. Anyway, she was absolutely delighted and soooo positive it was just brilliant.
Onwards and upwords!

BFN

Well, it was too good to be true and yesterdy when I tested again with FR the line was gone...my two little penguins didn't stick around. So I spent all yesterday afternoon working on the balcony, planting new flowers in my pots and so on. It was a good day after all, I don't want to get too upset about this or we'll never survive this roller-coaster.

Just for fun I POAS in the afternoon, one of those OPK again, given that they'll go out of date by the end of the month, and there it was, smiling at me a nice second line, much stronger than on thursday (still not as strong as the control), but what the hell does it mean??? Anyway, after having seen that Mike insisted that I keep up the drugs until tomorrow, the official testing day. I am now afraid that either those damn sticks are evil (likely possibility) or that if tomorrow the test will pick up a bit of hcg it woudl be another ectopic. I am in fact terrified at that possibility.

Of course I am also thinking that maybe my uterus is not a "welcoming environment" and that it may never happen for us. Our embryos are top quality and still they don't stick in the right place. They survive freezing and thawing, they grow to blastocysts as if they were fresh and that's also not enough to get me properly pregnant?

Thankfully all our adoption documents are nearly ready and that thought, although it's a long way, gives me some peace.

I have anyway booked a phone review with Dr. W for the 11th of May and see what he suggests. Looking forward to a week of holiday and realax in Sicily next week, and can't wait to start detox!