First results 10dp5dt FET

I tested again this morning and I wasn't really sure the line was much darker...for one thing yesterday test was a bit weird with the test line coming up uneven in intensity...I'm sure you could see it too, with the bottom part darker than the top part. Today's test was definitely even but overall looked very similar to the darker part. Go figure. Don't they know that us infertile women are so analytical a faulty test can drive us round the bend?

So, of course, I fished out the tests of the August pregnancy and I started looking at how intense the test line was with respect to the control and so on. Obviously asking Mike for his opinion a million times when I was not happy with the answer or how long he looked at the test for etc. And I have obsessed ever since.

By the intensity of today line I was expecting a value around 30. It was stronger definitely than my first ectopic pregnancy (when I could barely see a positive test line 13dp3dt) and the beta were 18. I don't have those tests any more though so who knows!

At 5.30 this afternoon I still had got no call back from the clinic. I texted the Favourite Doctor (I know I know...sure I had to go pee and I knew the phone would ring then!) to see if she had seen the results, no worries if not, I would have called the clinic in the morning. She rang back straight away and said the number was very good, given that it was 2 days early AND on a frozen cycle, she was very happy to tell me it was 53! I was delighted, the intensity of the test definitely fooled me this time. Of course we have to see how it goes on wednesday, they are happy to have a value around 100 and if mine doubles I should be right on target.

Now, the last time, my beta on a fresh cycle on the same day was 57 and I'm sure I had two embryos implanting given that even after the surgery to remove the viable ectopic pregnancy I had still sky-high beta values and needed MTX shot.

For now I'm happy. I would say cautiously feeling positive. Until wednesday that is. I have no more tests in the house, I wonder if I'll resist temptation....

I now want to add a paragraph to this post like many of you have done before. Please don't feel you have to comment or come and read. I know some of you are dealing with recent losses and having been there myself I understand how you feel about reading of a positive test. Even if it has not been by any means an easy one to get. Even if I know you know with my history this can be over in no time. My heart goes out to you and I really mean it. Forever hugs and I will keep hoping and praying for you all.

The little embie that could

We named the penguin "Elvis". This was actually the name we had thought for the next cat (when the Dude run away we thought of getting a friend for Patches) but actually sounded appropriate for a penguin too.

So after waking up as usual at 4.30 for a pee I went back to bed for a little longer before testing. I just couldn't do it there and then. Having no feelings one way or another I didn't want to be brought to reality too quickly. At 6.55 Mike woke and we said "let's do it".

We went both to the bathroom, I POAS (actually I can never do that, I have to dip it in a cup) and put it on the window sill without looking at it all. Then a minute or so later...

Today is 9dpt. Frozen cycle. I never got pregnant on a FET, let alone with a blast that took a little longer to become a blast (day 6).

I stole the title for this post from my good friend Sweet Georgia who used this phrase to define the penguin once it was transferred. I thought it was a beautiful, strong definition.

I obviously have many fears, I find it difficult to enjoy the moment. Of course I'm happy I'm pregnant again, for a while I thought that'll never happen again, but my past two pregnancies have been so dramatic I'm terrified it will be another ectopic.

I'm going in for beta tomorrow.

Maybe this is really the little embie the could. Your support and good vibes have been amazing as always, I thank you all so much from my heart.

Grow Elvis grow!

Right so!

Wow girls, you have been unanimous! I'm going to buy the tests today and test on Sunday then. Still no dreams but I thought I saw a hint of colour in the progesterone this morning, could have been my imagination though, it was just slightly off white.

We'll see. Still not giving in to the anxiety!

Today I am adamant to finish the corrections of the exam scripts at least I don't have to look at them over the weekend. Checking out for now!

6dp6dt and no idea

Today is 6 days after my transfer. The embryologist said that actually there is no difference between a day 6 and a day 5 so our embryo could be considered a standard day 5 blast. Normally I have some feelings about the cycle, and typically at some point I have a dream that tends to be right about whether the cycle has worked or not. It's a very clear cut dream, either I dream I'm bleeding or a fading HPT, or I dream a positive test.

Not such a thing this time. I'm blissfully unaware of what may be going on in there. I wonder if the kittens are working somewhat of a miracle in keeping me occupied and less in tune with my body. I have to say I love it. Not being stressed about the wait I mean. I'm enjoying waiting this time.

I was half considering testing on Sunday, it will be 9 days after a blast transfer, surely if I'm pregnant it'll show by then. The reasoning is that I will have to go in for beta if it's positive due to my history, so if I can get two blood tests before I leave on Thursday would be good. But then...they have hospitals in Italy, I can get my HCG tested there if needs to be. On the other hand, if the test is negative, I can stop the meds and get my period over with before we go to the seaside on the island after the wedding (oh, by the way, the wedding is in mainland Italy, and it's a couple of Italian friends getting married, so nothing too unusual for them!).

What would you do?

All good in Petland also, I know you wanted to know!

The Fertility Goddess (for others of course!)

Well well well, some of you know this already, I seem to be a very good lucky charm for whoever cycles with me!! It started on my very first cycle, even before I had a blog back in 2008. I was cycling at the same time as two gilrs on a local board, we all got pregnant even if mine wasn't meant to be. On my second fresh cycle last summer I had four cyber-blog-friends within a couple of days of transfer . Again, we all got pregnant, for two of us it wasn't meant to be, one is having a boy and the other two are having twins!

And this time I had two cyber-blog-friends cycling with me, one just announced her pregnancy!! Congratulation tireegal I'll be moving you soon to the "other" list!! The other one, Wishi, is very good and won't test early, but her beta day is on Saturday! I am so confident this is her time!

So, am I a Fertility Goddess for others? But what about me?? Where is my Fertility Goddess?? Would you stop hiding??

I'm selling tickets next time!! And I wonder...can I put in on my CV?

Anyway, this morning I had to test again to confirm the BFN and call the clinic. Done now, it wasn't too bad. And review on tuesday so really not long now.

So there was the need for a good news around here and I got a call from the adoption board!! Can you believe it?? They wanted some final clarifications on MIL kidney transplant (that it wasn't a genetic issue) and also know more about our IVF plans. So I knew they have no problem with IVFers but they want a full commitment from 6 months prior the beginning of the preparation course. Given that they had told us the waiting list was 18-24 months is not like we were under any pressure. I was very honest, their latest file was updated last June so they didn't know about the second ectopic and obviously about this latest failure. I asked what was the current waiting time for the prep course and she said...drums please...12 months from now!!! That's much sooner than expected!! We should get our number within 3 weeks and if not to call her! I mean...she said to call her!! In any case we'll be called six months before the start of the course so that we can resubmit the medicals on fertility treatments and make sure we have a decision then. Holy cow! This means that we'll definitely cycle again in the summer (queue here please, priority boarding first! no pushing... the Fertility Goddess can deal with as many as 50 cyclers!) and we'll see how it goes!

On the puppy front. Thanks so much for all the comments, this definitely convinced us completely! We'll go to the DSPCA tomorrow (thanks C!) and we see what's there. I also already found a daycare for dogs! Although we are not sure yet if i's going to be a dog (or two!) or a cat (or two!!)

Note: Linda if you are reading, drop me an email and I'll tell you more about transfer and ectopic pregnancies, I couldn't find your email address!

Miracles happen...

...to other people only.

I know most of you still were hopeful and I thank you for that. But I knew. I even dreamt of a negative pregnancy test last night and I told Mike this morning before testing. So we were both prepared. I think Mike can't believe that I have this sixth sense for many things that have to do with my body. Of course I'm not always right, but mostly I am.

Last night I had a good cry, with sobs and the whole lot while having a shower. I let it all out then and I was fine this morning when the test just confirmed my feelings. There's no hope i's going to become positive and if it does then it's even worse news.

I called the clinic to cancel my intralipid, I left a message to the nurses to see what I have to do with the meds, they'll call back.

I'll be booking a WTF review meeting on friday, when I'll call again. I am a bit hopeful now again that it may work next time. Out of 3 fresh cycle we got two pregnancies, a 100% success would be quite unlikely in any case, but we'll see what the doctor will say.

I have called the Adoption people to see where our application is at, I left a message, we'll see if they call back, certainly our file has not made its way to the Adoption Board yet but it's still with the HSE for assessment. How frustrating...

I also got some info through a local board about surrogacy, that may be an option but I'll have to check better, I have been fortunate that one girl is going through the surrogacy process at the moment and she' happy to share! So I'll call her his evening.

It makes me feel better to know that we may have options.

Also Mike is nearly giving in to get a pet!! Only concern is what do we do when we go on holidays...but I told him I need take care of something small...

14dp5dt beta are in at 637!!

Oh my dearest cyber friends, I'm sure that all your prayers and good vibes made a difference.

I went in for the blood test this morning after having POAS again just to see if something had changed and the line was now darker than the control...but you know the way you know it's better than a lighter one, but how much better? Again my favourite doctor took the blood and she was very positive we were going to be ok.

I have been stuck in a staff meeting all afternoon and couldn't take the eyes away from the phone. When she called, at around 4.45 pm, I jumped on my feet and run out the meeting room. She said "Hi Fran how are you? Are you ok?" I said "yes I think so" she said "It's very very good actually, the number is 637!" and I started sobbing. Couldn't tell you the rest of the conversation, something about sending the prescription to the chemist, booking the US and eventually she said "listen, I'll write it down for you and post it today".

I am so so grateful. I had to return to the meeting and couldn't care less of course, I wanted to give the news to my cyber friends, so here I am now. I checked the website that BB had used to plot her beta and it looks like I'm on track! I also found another tool to calculate the doubling time and it gives me a value of 1.14 days! Unbelievable. I woudl have been very very happy with anything in around 300...

Of course the road is long, but I want to believe this is going to bring us our bundle of joy. We have been through so much in the last year, with the ectopic pregnancy which happened around the time of our birthdays last September, the surgery, the heartbreak of the two frozen cycles, but we have been persistent and so united in our journey that as I say in my subheading, I can only consider myself lucky.

Thank you to each and everyone of you, I'm sure I'll be obsessed soon about something else, I have to call the hospital for the early pregnancy assessment, but I'll do it tomorrow. For now, I just want to enjoy the moment.

Another scare

So after all my positive thinking and good hope etc. last night I got another awful scare.

We went to the party and I talked openly to C. the hosting girlfriend who's also an intensive care nurse and a lovely lovely person. I told her we were doing IVF at the moment and that I wouldn't have had anything to drink, and possibly I would have gone for a bit of a rest around 10 pm. She said "we are doing it too in September!". And there she was, another fellow IF in disguise! We had a lovely chat of course, and she gave me a room, so I told her I actually did get a BFP on friday. She was beside herself with happyness for us, I told her about the spotting and of course, like you all, she said it can happen and not to read to much into it.

Anyway, it was a lovely evening until I went to the loo. Blood. Not on the toilet- paper, on the knickers. I didn't even feel it. Again not much, but plenty to depress me completely and put me in the mood to go to bed at that very moment. I put in the progesterone, told Mike, we had a bit to eat and then excused ourselves and went to the B&B. C and S (the husband) were of course very understanding, didn't make a fuss of it at all.

Sleeping patter was at its worst, but didn't manage to calm down much. We drove home this morning, Mike is going to the mach in the afternoon. Again the spotting seems to be over now, but I decided to test again to see if our little line of hope was fading away. Today would have been the official testing day according to the clinc instructions.

The line isn't fading, it's getting stronger, now it's basically the same intensity as the control, if that means anything at all.

Now, I don't know if I'll be able to relax until tuesday, but maybe if it was a chemical pregnancy the line would have faded by now...I'll take it easy for the day and hope for the best. Love to all.

Unbelievable

Girls, this morning I woke up gain at 4.30. Sinking feeling in my stomach. Went to the loo, back to bed, no more sleep, up at 6.15 for another pee and putting crinone in. Slept a bit more until half seven. I got up and peed again, I definitely had some spotting. Not just the gunk of the crinone, I think it was definitely more. Had breakfast, back to the loo. Definitely spotting. Told Mike it was all over for us, we were devastated, the fecking crinone didn't even get me to test day for the first time ever in my IVF history. Mike kept saying we'll wait until tomorrow and do the test anyway. But I said we'll do it now and put this behind us, I'm ready to throw in the towel. So squized out a bit more pee, dipped the test in. Unbelievably it was positive...the line came up before the control line, quite strong and it's 2 days before the official test day. I started sobbing and so did Mike, the poor man couldn't find words to calm me down.

Rang mum while sobbing, she thought something dreadful happened, couldn't understant what I was saying. Then she understood. She passed dad over, he couldn't get a word out either. We went straight to the clinic for blood test as with my history I cannot take any chances. I am in shock, I'm afraid to believe it's true this time and it'll stay...

At the clinic they were lovely, I couldn't stop crying, the emotional italian in me took over this time! The doctor seemed quite confident we'll be ok, I showed her the test (you know the way you want other people to confirm it's true), but of course only the HCG will tell.

I told her about the spotting, she said it's probably normal, she doesn't like crinone either and I'll go back to cyclogest if the news is good.

I'm not myself this morning. I'm afraid to go to the loo.

Nearly there

Today I feel a bit fearful...I've made it to 9dp5dt which would be 14DPO and I still have two days to go before testing. I'm worried that all my positivity this time around will come back to bite me right in the ass...I'm worried that I'll start bleeding before testing (that'll break my heart no end) and overall I'm worried it hasn't worked. I had a good night sleep last night, actually I couldn't get out of bed this morning and I'm still very tired, I could go back to bed right now in fact.

This evening I'll buy a dual pack of HPT and then we have them in the house...two more sleeps...saturday is coming so fast and I kind of don't want it to happen, I want to stay in this limbo of not knowing and keep dreaming about these two beautiful babies we'll have. I have this vivid image of two cots in our bedroom and I don't want to wake up from this dream.

Before testing on saturday we'll have to chat about what we'll do if it's BFN. We just have to have the conversation, I know I have to have a back up plan. Right now I'm thinking we'll go for a proper review with the doctor (not phone review, a face to face one) and take it from there. If it hasn't worked out maybe there's some issues with our embryos...maybe we should look into embryo adoption (my eggs seem to be fine, Mike's swimmers a part from being a bt slow and not too many look normal). I have lots of thoughts in my head right now and they are confusing me.

On the plus side, we are going to a fancy dress party on saturday night and I haven't picked a costume yet. So I'll browse the web now to see if something inspires me and possibly distracts me a bit too.

The dilemma

Thank you for all the suggestions on how to improve my sleep! It did go a bit better last night, I also went to bed much earlier, like...10 pm so I was more rested overall. The pee cannot be helped though, I put that down to the progesterone! The repetition of the word "Peace" was phenomenal, really soothing and relaxing and strongly recomment it. Thanks my friends.

I am waiting for the clinic to call back as I have this dilemma today. Official test day is sunday, I'll be testing on saturday so that we would have the weekend to recover no matter the news. But the clinic is closed during the weekend so if it's a BFP (please please please!) I will have no meds for monday....so I was considering the possibility to go in on friday and get my HCG blood test...it'll be already 15DPO, if it's positive they'll know by then. I know the clinic is never keen in doing things ahead of time, but I'm a special case here! Also, due to my history, the clinic will want me to do a blood test even if the HPT is positive and again I wouldn't have this results before sunday night (I know I know, jumping a bit ahead of me here). So we'll see what they say.

Now! They just called! No special case for me, they will fax the prescription for a couple of extra days on the meds I'm missing! Ah well, that's sorted then, testing day remains SATURDAY!

I have to thank Melissa who tagged me in her blog to pass me on an award! The rules are once again very simple:

Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award. So I suppose the emphasis is on the newly discovered!

I've been lurking around a bit in the next ICLW list and this award is really popular!! Everyone seem to have it already, so I'm not sure I'll get to nominate 15!! I'll have to think about this one for a bit I'd say...but if you'd like to be awarded let me know! I'll be happy to pass it along.