In the black hole

Well, you may be wondering how I have been so long without talking about being anxious...it's not that long really, but I'm in that place again...It all started with a "glare" in my left eye. I first noticed this odd sensation (as if my left eye was seeing too well, like too much light coming in) a couple of years ago. It came and went after a few days. I went to my ophthalmologist once I was in Italy and checked out perfectly, he said I had to use artificial tears as my eyes were very dry. Gave me a bunch of samples, I still have them. Then it happened again sometime in September, same thing it came and went after a few days, perhaps associated with some headache like the first time, I did put the drops in and seemed to help. I thought I better get my eyes checked again, but then didn't. And now I have it again. To see an ophthalmologist here for the first time, you have to go to a GP to get a referral no matter whether you are a private patient or on a medical card (in Italy you can simply look up someone on the yellow pages, call and get an appointment, you only go to the GP if you want to go with the NHS). So off I go to the GP and there was a new doctor in the centre I had not met before but she was really thorough. Couldn't see anything really wrong with my eyes herself, and while getting my history I happened to say that I was still lactating though I stopped breastfeeding in the middle of December. I did suffer of hyperprolactinemia when I was a teenager so I wondered myself if breastfeeding put my hypophysis under stress more than normal. Alarm bells must have gone off as she said we better check the hypophysis so, I'll write you a referral for an MRI as well as blood work to check your hormones. Now, rationally I know she recommended the MRI just to be completely sure there is NOT a problem, and even if there was such a lesion, it would be benign (I know as I had been checked by MRI for the same thing when I was 17), but you can imagine, my "what ifs" went in overdrive. I got in with a fab ophthalmologist the day after the GP visit, got fully checked, including visual field, facial nerves reactivity on top of the usual things, and I was stellar. She said the glare can easily be due to dry eye, (and explained very well the principles of incidental light on a rough surface) which like anything can be worse at times and better other times. But of course said to do the MRI and she would add to the hypophysis scan also the orbits and the optic nerves. Just in case. Just to be completely certain is nothing else than a dry eye. I've done the bloodtest on friday, will get results probably already tomorrow and I have the MRI on the 29th of January, I know it's not long to wait by any means, but I want it over and done with. Will call every day in case there is a cancellation. They will give me a CD with the scans on the day (in case I want to watch them by myself and see things for sure) and will write a report within 24 hours, if I don't die with anxiety I'll be doing well. Now I think there'll be nothing in the hypophysis, but there will be something much worse discovered by pure coincidence... of course I suddenly developed a range of new (phanta?)symptoms too. And I am running movies in my head of the children growing without me, the sadness, the many moments I won't be there...Martina won't even remember me and perhaps not even Oliver. I'm torturing myself.
I swore that if it turns out to be as simple as a dry eye I will have to start serious therapy. I'm ruining my life worrying about the worst possible scenarios, that is not living at all, it's like being in Hell already, so what's the point?

Bear with me till I get my results...

Three month check and other craziness

Martina was 3 months old yesterday and in an amazing promptness the district nurse came over today for her check up. She is doing great, weight 3.35 kg, 59cm and right around the 50% growth chart. I wasn't worried one bit, she can lift her head easily when on her tummy, smiles, cooes, follows you with her eyes etc. She feeds well, I cannot say we have a schedule because we don't, nights are ok most of the time when she wakes up once for feeding and then goes back to sleep. During the day she is happy if she is held...which has my back in bits and mostly I can't do much at all. She may sleep for a whole 10 minutes if I put her down (asleep) in her swing chair and we have to start over. This is not ideal of course, but what can I do? She is looking more and more like her brother, have a look at this two pics, Oliver was 3 months and 3 weeks old, and below is Martina just the other day! I love that pic of Martina, looks to me like one of those ads for baby food or something.

Here is Martina and Oliver together

They make my heart smile!

And now for your joy, here are some of the craziness on my part. Remember I have convinced myself that I have some terminal disease but that I was working on snapping out of it and see if my symptoms would just go away? Well, not so easy. I went eventually to the doctor last tuesday, feeling half silly and completely well at that point. Explained I have been having this upset stomach for about ten days now and that I was worried I may have stomach cancer...she laughed it off, visited me, and said it was probably a bit of extra acidity and had I changed anything in my diet. I had actually, I started back drinking coffee (espresso) after lunch after years of not doing so and to improve my milk supply I was also taking every day an herbal mix definitely overdoing the doses and simmering times. she said to stop and see how I felt. I felt better for a couple of days and then the nagging sensation was back on sunday. It's on and off, I constantly think about it with all the dark thoughts that come with it. Of course it doesn't have to be stomach cancer, can be pancreas too or liver...in my head they are all deadly anyway so no real difference. And today I caved in. I called a friend of mine who is a doctor working in a hospital here and explained all that I have just told you. I said I wanted a scan or I would just go crazy with fear. He of course reassured me as he said it's much more likely anxiety and post-natal hormones but also said he will organise a letter for me so that I can go to one of the local centres and get it done. So there you have it, I'm a classic hypochondriac. Let's just hope we will be able to laugh about this in a short while.