So much has happened since

As usual every time I look at the blog I think I really should update it and then I don't. But now it seems a perfect moment to do so,  I'm in my sunny balcony while the children are playing outside and it just fits. 

So what has happened since the finalised divorce hearing. I have a new partner. Actually I have known him since the years in Dublin, we were colleagues till he moved back to Switzerland and then I moved to Nottingham, and very much incredibly we have found each other in the same city and working again in the same Department in the same university. We had of course kept in touch and he has been essential in helping us settle in, we have spent always a lot of time together with the families and my children always liked him which is a major plus. Mike always liked him to, which I am not sure how he feels about it now that we got together. Martin is divorced and has two daughters a bit older than mine kids, and let's just say...a more complex situation with his ex. 

As we both were free last summer, it seemed quite normal to go out together for walks and stuff when neither of us had children duties and one thing let to another. 

I'm very very happy, I think for Mike maybe it has been a bit quick, but to be honest for me the divorce was only a very final consolidation of an inner separation I felt for years, so I was more than ready to move on and have some fun again. I am not sure if I am still in the "honeymoon" period where everything seems about perfect, but I'm for sure much more at ease and relaxed and my anxiety is under control. Not only this but both Oliver and Martina have settled so so much in the last several months, yes of course it may be that they are growing up also but I think that they feel that I am so much happier too.

Mike is doing extremely well also, his work is going great, I don't think he has anyone yet, but we see each other often and I am delighted that he has friends and things to do for himself. He is definitely regaining self-esteem and independence. I am really hopeful that he will find a partner also. 

We went skiing all together last February, Mike had the children the first half of the week and I took them the second half. He decided to stay in a different hotel which was totally ok of course, and he has zero problems in getting the children ready and up at the ski school well on time (this was always a major struggle when we were together). Even my therapist says that the way our relationship is now is a rare event and of course this benefits the children greatly too. Let's hope it will get better and better.

Oliver is in 5th class and doing remarkably well, he has many friends and he is growing up really fast. I love the deeper conversations we are having now, of course he still has his moments but what a change in just a couple of years! By next year he will be assessed for which type of high school he is best suited. He really has to put a bit more effort in studying rather than just doing the bare minimum or it won't be enough. It's frustrating because he could totally do much more, but settles for the least work possible.

Martina is in 3rd class and also loves going to school, she is full of friends and is doing very well. She inherited Oliver's last year teacher so we know her already and it's very easy. Seems that Martina is a very high achiever and actually quite competitive in school (an aspect we don't see too often at home), and sometimes this causes her a bit of anxiety before class tests etc. 

I think this summarises the main points of the past 9 (!) months, I really hope I can find the dedication to write more often as I love keeping this diary. I hope you are all well.

The court hearing: all done

 On the 10th of June we had the court hearing, effectively a formality to have a judge ratifying our already signed agreement on the children shared custody and financial arrangements. As I am paying for every recurring expenses and will cover 2/3 of the unforeseen expenses, I doubted there could have been a problem. All went smoothly, it only lasted an hour in total, the judge was very friendly and complimented us for being so civil and she could tell the children were very much ok with the situation (she spoke with the children in a separate private hearing the previous week). 

Mike always looks like he doesn't know what is going on, seems to have said to a friend that he was not actually sure what he signed that day, but I am forcing myself to believe that it was a joke which he thought it was funny.

In ten days the judge sentence will be deposited and I'll be officially free again.

The tough part

Nobody gets married of course thinking they will be separating down the line. In my case, I never wanted to get married in the first place (for the second time), but alas. 

It is amazing how these situations bring out the worse aspects of people. While I'm absolutely trying my best to keep the situation very amicable and polite, I have to deal with the passive-aggressive attitude of Mike who would not reply to the lawyer that quickly (we have opted for a consensual divorce agreement), would not really discuss with me how he feels about some of the suggestions etc. everything is met with barely a grunt. As I am the one financially stronger (thought he is also working full time), we have agree on how we divide expenses etc. It looks like I'm paying for absolutely everything, including a contribution to the children living expenses when they are with him. It sounds insane, it makes me mad that he will have no contribution to any of the expenses, but I just want this done. This is despite very clear financial agreements before and during our 14 year long marriage. Go figure. 

It's still not done. But I'm trying my absolutely best to understand that he is hurting, that he is worried about the future etc. I hope that when things settle, he will also see that he can be completely financially secure (he has a great job for god's sake...).

On the bright side, I am truly enjoying my time in the apartment on my own! I so needed my space, I will have the children on thursday till the weekend (we split child care 50%) and I know I will love to spend 100% of the time with them with my batteries fully recharged.

New beginnings

 So Mike has moved out yesterday, I doubt he has fully moved out but it's a step. He found a lovely apartment which is very near, so for the children is minimal disruption in terms of going to school. Telling the children went quite well, though Mike didn't really want to take any part in it as he felt I should say it was just my decision... so I did, but the children, after the initial shock I think they could appreciate that many other children have it worse (like parents arguing always.. or worse). Of course not like they are thrilled but I think they will see I am certainly much happier.

Let's see how it progresses.

2020 Round up

I thought I probably should do my best to post another update of my life before the year is over. And what a year this has been. 

We are all healthy which is the most important thing. Work-wise this year for me has been stellar, one hard to beat I'd say.

The children are doing great in school, even Oliver has settled finally and they are both fluent in Swiss German and High German which means they have zero difficulties with friends etc. I am slowly learning German, but as I don't need it in work, I am not forced to used it, so I am not progressing as fast as I should.

I started therapy again in May, I found the first lock down really tough, homeschooling the children in a language I don't speak is virtually impossible, of course as I am also working full time. I felt extremely anxious and edgy all the time, I had zero time for me and it was suffocating. I feel much better and I came through a journey of self discovery which was long overdue.

Mike started his job (just as Switzerland went into lockdown) and he is loving it, it is great for him to finally have found his path (clearly it's never too late..). But for me this year has been also the year to finally call it a day. I told Mike I want to separate. It would be a massive long post in itself to explain this part properly, but the short version is that first he didn't understand what had changed, then he seems to have accepted it. However this was September and he still has not moved out. 

After Christmas I will again bring up the conversation and I need a date when he will move out. We have not told the children yet, I thought it was best to wait till he had a plan. Of course this is not happening at any reasonable pace and I am at the end of my patience. So I am hoping for a 2021 which will bring a new light, like turning a page. Oliver will be 10 on the 1st of January, double digit... he has come such a long way with his behaviour, but some days are still very very tough... I hope that as the situation settles more, everyone will benefit.

Right, this is me, I still can't post on any blogs, I hope you are all doing well, hugs to all.

Mike got a job and other updates

So this has been quite a week! The amount of things happening since my last post totally deserved an update.

About two weeks ago Mike had a phone interview with a company he applied with in November for a job he was quite overqualified for. He never heard anything about it and put it in the pile of "ah well, it was worth a try". They emailed him to see if he was happy to talk to them about a possible job. The phone interview was scheduled shortly after and it became clear they thought his skills were very suited to another job they were now advertising. The phone call went very well and a week after he had a face to face interview. The job would be quite a new thing for him as he will move away from hands on work in a lab to a more managerial role to be a reference point with the headquarters which is based in San Diego. So, while German is very important, clearly being english mother tongue is quite an advantage. They told him they would let him know within a couple of weeks but on tuesday they called him and offered him the job! Massive celebration all around, major sense of relief  for me and part of my current anxiety around the fact that if something should happen to me, now that Mike has a permanent job at least they can all keep living here (I know..I know...).

On the same friday as Mike's interview, we had the appointment with Oliver to the psychologist for the evaluation of ADD, possible traits of autism and giftedness. We really really liked the therapist, she spoke very good english and had a great approach to probing Oliver's emotions. She had him do a non verbal test (because the others are in German and clearly Oliver would not be sufficiently fluent to be meaningful), and despite being a friday afternoon, after a whole week that he had the flu with high temp etc, and a persistent annoying cough, Oliver scored >130 (not a genius but clearly above average). She strongly recommended for him to do the full test to properly evaluate the giftedness level, this can be done in english at the hospital in the children neuropsychology department. We have been referred and while it won't be quick to have an appointment at least we are now in the system. She said there is no trait whatsoever of ADD (he never lost concentration in the test despite the coughing) or autism. He is just very clever, when he loses interest in school it's because he actively disengages (as opposed to not being able to keep paying attention). She said it's a pity we didn't do this when it was suggested to us back in Ireland, apparently one of the major risks for these children is that they give up after a while, because they just get too bored. Anyway, hopefully now we can find a way so that he is properly challenged and this should help in turn to relax him and make him feel more fulfilled.

This is almost all. I am falling back into my obsessive health anxiety, i hate it so so much, winter sports help but then as I am in my office I enter the awful loops. I've started taking CBD and see if it helps a little. As usual I have (or imagine, i can't tell for sure of course) a symptom of some vague nature somewhere in the body which becomes my obsession and it's a clear sign of something ominous. I know so well how insane this sounds, I must have had 3 or 4 different lethal conditions in the last couple of months... I need help. I fear the only help will be medications.

Heather, still no joy in posting to your blog (or others...though i see some have comments so I have no idea why just mine are eaten up!), I'd love to be in touch, my email is visible, would love to hear from you and at least I can comment to you directly on your updates.

Hugs to all

A new decade has begun

I was really hoping to write a post to wrap up 2019 but clearly it has not happened... so I'll do it here and now, at the beginning of this new decade. So many posts on facebook have appeared showing all that people went through in the last ten years...mostly families getting bigger. I suppose it was the same for me, the 2000-2009 period saw me getting married for the second time and begin the quest for a family which of course had more downs than up in that time. IVF, two ectopic pregnancies, surgeries, so so much heartache.
Then 2010-2019 has given me two children, three relocations with two job changes and life in three different countries. Significant also has been the steady decline in my relationship with my husband which I am now just accepting as the norm. Maybe this new decade will bring some changes there because I don't feel that old yet that I have to just give up on happiness (for which really there is no age anyway).

I remember my post at the beginning of 2019 was quite loaded with anxiety and expectations, it all went well for me, it has been a great year, specially on the work front. I feel with the move to Switzerland I'm living the dream. I love everything about my job, the new students, the colleagues, the unthinkable options I now have available. I also stopped thinking it was a major amount of luck that brought me here, I know it was not a gift but actually a ton of hard work with very little external help (reading: I had nobody pushing me or my career, ever) and I am very very proud of what I have achieved. The luck has been in meeting exceptionally talented young researchers that worked with me on my ideas, brought in their own, grew as scientists and developed a work ethic which is impeccable. I am so so proud of them and incredibly thankful.

2020 has for me less anxiety to start with (I'm sure I'll get my fair share soon enough), but as no major changes are planned, at least I do not have to elaborate on all possible negative scenarios.

The children are well, have settled in school and we finally are getting some attention for Oliver's behaviour which, while I can safely say it has improved, still is extremely challenging at times. On suggestion of the school, he will soon be tested for giftedness and with that also for ADD. It seems that children can show traits of ADD if giftedness is not spotted on time. If I think about the amount of times we seeks professional help and never got anywhere I feel quite defeated. In fairness the first neuropsychologist in Ireland where we went when he was not even 5, suggested to test him for high intelligence too, but that would have then implied going to special schools and we didn't do it. Here the normal public school he is attending now would have a programme for gifted children every wednesday. Let's see how that goes. He turned 9 on the first of January. He can be such a lovely child, but when he gets into his oppositional mode he is capable of saying unspeakable things which totally push my buttons and never ends well.
Martina is a lovely girly girl, so super caring and thoughtful, she suffers a lot when Oliver is in one of his tantrums, but she is very easy going and forgiving (unlike me clearly).

Mike has not yet found a job, hopefully the new year will bring something for him too, but it is very very tough of course as I would expect he at least used all his free time to engage with the children and build a relationship, but no...he is not that different with them from how his parents must have been with him and this is not working out.

Finally, I still can't seem to get my comments to any of the blogs I read... Heather if you are reading my blog still, please know I must have commented on almost all your posts but it seems that either you don't get the message that there is a new comment to approve or it is just lost in the web.

Hugs to you all and I wish you a great 2020.

Relocation completed

My dears,

I thought of updating the blog given the new life we have started in Switzerland as of last week. The move from Nottingham has been smooth and we have now settled in our new apartment about 10Km from the city. The commute is brilliant, I have a train every 15 min and we have decided not to buy a car for the moment as we don't need it.

The children have made already new friends with children living in the same complex as we are. It's incredible the difference...yesterday Oliver and Martina told me they were going with their bikes and their new friend (possibly 12 years old) to see the school where they will be going. Alone. I was definitely not comfortable with that, I mean... cycling on their own, out of sight, with no adult supervision? But this is how it is here, so so safe, children are independent very quickly, they know the rules (or so we hope). And so they went, and they were back maybe 15 min alter, all in one piece, even Martina had no problem in cycling uphill.

I feel like I'm on holidays still. I will try and post a bit more to at least keep this diary updated with the new first that will happen here. So far everyone loves it! 

This is the view from the back balcony of the apartment:

When we eat at the table it feels like we are in a postcard... 

And this is the view from the front of the house:

I will never get tired of the Alps!

Just one comment if any of you is still reading: I have been unable of posting on your blogs, I type my comments, they seem to be ok, but they never appear. I do not know what the problem is, I just want you to know I'm reading!

2018 round up

As the last day of 2018 is swiftly moving along, I want to stop for a moment and express gratitude for all that this year has brought. From the work point of view it has for sure been exceptional, I have an amazing team that is dedicated to our research and achieved incredible results. The new job starting soon, what a rollercoaster that was and now I'm nearly nearly there...in the place of my dreams in Switzerland.
From the family point of view it has been very much on the same sort of "chugging along" we have been for a while. I suppose it could be worse. We bought a house in Nottingham we now have to put back on the market after a renovation which was never-ending (still not fully finished), Brexit will not help, but it is what it is, let's hope not to lose too much.
Children have been very good, they are growing and many things have become easier, while new challenges have come to light. We have been through Oliver's saga in school, now finally closed for good, which was extremely stressful for us. I hope the children will quickly settle in Switzerland and we can start our new adventure.
Health-wise we have have been well, I went through my usual round of anxiety of deadly diseases, did all the checks I felt were needed, and I seem to be still doing well.

Tomorrow a new year will start, as always it brings anxiety for me, of the unknown, of the what if this year will be a bad one. I love 19. 19 is my favourite number so this year is loaded with expectations and it's unfair on anything, including a "brand new year" that still has to begin.

To my cyber friends, I wish you all the best for 2019, may it be interesting, full of laughters and adventures.

Next week is the week

The semester is over. I'm wrecked. I got excellent students' feedback on my lectures which is always uplifting and makes it all worth it. But still...I had a gruelling semester because I'm condensing almost all my teaching in the autumn term. And just as well.

Next week I'll be travelling from monday to friday, visiting two cities in Italy where I'm giving a lecture and then I'll go to the dream destination for final negotiation. I am hopeless at negotiation. HOPELESS. I really would pay someone to do it for me. I'm told they want me to have the best stat there as possible but my minimum request is way above the granted offer both for equipment and personnel... let's see how far I get. In fairness, I want this job so much that I'll take anything they give me (which is a terrible negotiating position to start with).

I have started sharing the news with some closest colleagues, they were all very sad to know I'm leaving but they were also so so happy for me and the dream job (which is not just my dream job, but it's objectively a stellar opportunity). I will remain closely affiliated for at least another 2.5 years so it's not that bad. Of course, having said that, it's a mystery what will happen with this damn Brexit the UK decided to bring upon itself. What a disaster.

In other news, FIL had a major accident at home, and after a miraculous recovery, he is now left incapable of feeding (has lost his swallowing reflex) and is definitely not self-sufficient. He is also not recognising his children or anyone. Mike and his sister are looking for a nursing home in Dublin. We will go visiting just after Christmas. Let's hope this situation won't drag on too long, because that is not a life worth living. Even the doctors apologised...but they had to do their job and save him of course.

I'll update on everything next week, send positive vibes on all fronts please!

Major news!

Well well well... in my last post I mentioned about the dream job that was shortlisted for but that unless of a miracle I was just not the best candidate.
Would you believe it, last week I got an email and I immediately recognised the sender of course. I was at a very important meeting in Brussels and thought "oh crap.... I so don't want to read this now..." but then I thought "ah what the hell, I better get this over with and focus on what I have rather than on what I don't have". The email read something like this:

Dear Fran,

it's been a while. I have some good news, unofficial as of now, but better to talk on the phone, can you take a call?

I was completely blocked for the whole day and it was only 9 am!! I could not leave or take a call, it was nerve wrecking..I though Ohhhhhh shit!! This can't be happening, this can't be happening...
I texted Mike and my parents, and of course emailed back to say I could only talk in the evening.
You can imagine my level of concentration for the rest of the day.

The call was amazing. I ranked as top candidate unanimously!! So while there is a set of technical procedures, the job is mine if I want it. IF I want it?? Can I sign a contract now??

So anyway, today I spoke with my group, they were all thrilled (I can take them all with me if they want to move), and I also mentioned it to my Head of School. I know most people will just pretend nothing is happening and they will just resign when the have to. But there are several things going on in work and my HoS is a great person that deserve honesty. He was great, he knew he could not compete with such an offer, it's not just my dream job, it would be a dream job for half the academics I know...

So onwards and upwards, new adventures on the horizon!

44

All of a sudden is already my birthday. Hello my virtual friends!

I wanted to post a nice update about the house renovation with pics etc, but we are still living in a building site without a kitchen... fun times...kitchen was gone by the time we came back from holidays a month ago and we won't have it for another 2 weeks...but we are nearly there.

Children have started school back again and they are delighted (I promise I will update soon on Oliver's saga which, would you believe it, it's still dragging on).

I went for a dream job interview during the holidays but while I would sell a kidney for it, I was not the perfect match and two other candidates fit better the job description, so unless of a miracle that is gone (but the process is very long, I won't hear for while a definite no). There's another good position going that I will apply for, and I'm also going for promotion this year. Work has gone quite well, one of those years where planets align and several very ambitious things have succeeded. So I'm going for it because it was really what I should have been offered 2 years ago when I joined this new Uni. I am telling myself that if I'm again caught in the bureaucracy of a broken system (not enough budget for the School, too soon to be promoted, etc), I'm packing up and enrol into a medicine degree which is what I should always have done. But that's not without other major consequences (assuming I'm not too old already and eligible).

My feelings in general are still very troubled. I feel very conflicted with Mike (who is his usual self, great person, great with the children, but zero ambition or drive to do much at all), I feel stuck, I day dream of other lives most of the time, but at times I dream of moving back the clock to when I felt happy with what I had. I need projects and plans...I'm one of those.

Health-wise we are all doing well, I had my usual anxiety about whatever, did all my checks, all is good. Till the next bout of anxiety. I am doing much better from that point of view but when anxiety strikes it's a beast. The one who is doing worst is Carlito the cat, who has not settled much in this new neighbourhood, the other cats are giving him a hard time, and on saturday he was hit by a car...one kind neighbour took him to the vet where we found him today. He should have (one very expensive) surgery tonight, poor pet he looked miserable...but should be ok.

I read all your blogs, you that are still writing, but sometimes my messages to you don't get posted and I don't know why. Know that I'm there for you.

Updates!

I am sorry to have left you without updates for a while, I know this is not nice, specially when there are children involved.

So things have gone quite well since the visit, we went to speak with the Head Master who was very nice and said he was going to follow up with the other children and let us know. He never did really and we should go back to him again.

Oliver is no longer playing with those girls and would you believe it, there has not been a report since of bad language or overly sexualised behaviour... which to me it says it was just them.

We received yesterday the report from the social worker (effectively closing the case), so now we really would like to know what has happened with the school and the other children (I suspect nothing at all, which annoys me a good bit given what they put us through). But Oliver seems very happy and is playing with other children which is very nice. In fact he seems to have taken it very seriously the not playing with the girls and he was told off by a teacher for being too dismissive of them... seriously....he is seven...7!! anyway...

In other news, we bought a house! Yes I know, totally not what we were planning, but rents are higher then mortgages so that decided it for us, even if we move in a couple of years it would be worth it. It's a bit of a project which we love.

I will be back soon, I promise!

The social worker visit

All in all it went great. I wasn't in the Country actually but Mike gave me a very detailed report. We had talked together a lot about how to best explain how it all developed.

The SW was a young girl and Mike said she definitely didn't have any bias one way or another and that was great. First she spoke with Mike while the children were playing in the garden, he told her how Oliver never had a problem in Dublin, how his introduction in this school went, how the isolation was really affecting him etc. She was listening and taking notes, she asked about his access to the internet and television (virtually none, certainly never unsupervised) and she seemed very happy with that. She disclosed to Mike a few more phrases the school had flagged to her (apparently Oliver said to someone what he will do on the the first wedding night, with words worth of a sailor...) Mike was doubly shocked...first of all Oliver never would have had that type of conversation at home, and second, how did the School decided not to tell us!!! We are going to have a meeting set up asap.

Anyway, she then spoke with Oliver (alone, but then told mike) and asked him if he new the PANTS rule which he knew by heart, and also if he knew what words should not be used (he listed a few). She asked him also where did he hear those words and Oliver admitted for the first time we think that they came from a girl in school.

She also spoke with Martina (again alone and referred back), who is as happy as possible and the most upsetting things she could come up with about Oliver was if he pushes her. So all good there.

She said she will talk to the school and get back to us next week (school holidays are finished).

In relation to this we discovered that it is in fact a cultural thing here to constantly tell on people. Whether it's in school or in work, that's how people deal with even minor issues with friends or colleague. I assure you for us this is a major shock and we were raised with "do not tell tales" and "try and talk it through and solve the problem" approach. I see it here even on the playground, if we are out with friends with children...those children are back to the parents every 2 minutes with "Oliver said thiiiiiisss.." "Mark did thaaaaat" it's absolutely unbearable, the most ridiculous things are being reported and the parents have to intervene. So obviously our children and certainly Oliver don't have this approach. Martina is totally laid back and just at the end of the day doesn't give much of a crap about what people say or do if she can still have fun, but Oliver suffers and feels constantly under punishment and judgment. We just have to leave this Country, this is no way to grow up happy.

Children will be children, right?

I'm back! can you believe this? It's only been a few weeks!

So I want to talk about Oliver and school. I said everything was well but in fact two days later or so I got a call from the school that the school principle wanted to have a meeting with us about Oliver's behaviour.

Background: when we moved here, Oliver started after the summer in year 1 (which is the second year in school in the british system). He had done the foundation year back in Dublin and we never had so much as problem, he was the perfect child, very well behaved (not so much at home at that time but in school he was an angel), the most the teacher ever said to us was that Oliver should try and not to intervene if two children are arguing (to help settle the argument) and call an adult instead. I thought that was pretty amazing as a complaint actually...that's my boy I was thinking.
Anyway we move here and Oliver joins a class of children who have all known each other for at least a year, some of them two years. Unfortunately the teacher in charge of his class was completely incapable of dealing with young children (she always taught older children). Within 3 weeks we knew he was not happy, his behaviour at home had changed, never seemed to play with anyone, nobody was including him in their games, and his break time were spent climbing up metal structures....alone. He had abs that would have made a professional athlete envious. We of course immediately mentioned this to the teacher, that we were concerned he had not settled and children were not really helping. She said she will keep an eye on it. Three more weeks and the situation got only worse. At that point Oliver started becoming "that child" in school, the one that pushes you in the line, that throws something at you, that kicks another boy for looking at him the wrong way...come on...I'm no expert but to me this is a clear sign that he is tired of being lonely and is trying to get any sort of attention the wrong way. We started getting reports from school that Oliver did this and said that, I'm not exaggerating...probably weekly if not more frequent.

By Christmas the situation had escalated, despite us talking to the teacher again, there was no action on her part, I was devastated. Oliver started wetting the bed again, acting out at home again, everyone was miserable. I posted on a local facebook page for advice and I was overwhelmed by the warmth of the community. Many people had of course children in the same school, they organised play dates and birthday invitations, we started to see some light. But in school they had at that point initiated this behavioural chart: every day Oliver was assessed for his behaviour EVERY HOUR, with a sad/neutra/happy face. The stress of it all was unreal. We had taken him to the doctor, in case this was a sign of something more sinister, but no, the doctor thought he was absolutely a normal child. Thankfully the teacher changed and the new one was a life saver. She understood Oliver, established a good relationship, and by then Oliver had a few friends in the class. Mostly girls.

A few reports still arrived but of a different nature: we were told a couple of times that Oliver was "touching girls inappropriately" that he tried "to kiss a girl" etc. When Oliver was questioned on this he would say that they were playing a game of catch and that he had tapped a girl on the bottom, and the kissing yes she was her friend, in fact this girl was saying she was his girlfriend (at the age of 6), was kissing a girl on the cheek forbidden? Girls seemed to be doing this the whole time and nobody ever made a big deal. We talked to him, explained these are the rules in school etc.

Summer came, we thought we had moved on from all of this. Back to school in september, all is good, he is still playing only with a few girls because the Alpha-male in the class does not let him in his circle of friends but he is ok with this. He plays these games with the girls like mom and dad and children and cousins and even though it seems a bit odd we  don't say anything. After January reports start again: Oliver tried to kiss a girl (the same), Oliver was lifting a girl's clothes (same girl), Oliver tried to go in the bathroom with a girl (same girl), Oliver called a girl "big bum" (the girl didn't hear but apparently that is not important and still this is reported). We are also informed that there is now a file on Oliver in school, with all the things he said and did "wrong" since he joined the school. We are told by the good teacher that he is a lovely child in class, that she thinks he has a target on his back and people are just waiting for him to do something wrong to report it. The teacher also said that some of the girls seem to use a language which is inappropriate (one girl was seen bumping against Oliver and apparently said "oh I might be pregnant now"...thank god it wasn't Oliver who said this).

But then a big incident happened. I tell you how we were told and also will tell you that Oliver has quite a different version of how things went. We got a call that Oliver had threatened to bite a girl on her nipples and privates. This was reported to the school as an official complaint from upstanding parents (though we don't officially know this but we had very little doubt about who would go to the school rather than picking up the phone and call us) and there had to be an investigation. Where is "Oliver getting this language from?" I don't know, I speak to him only in Italian but I'm sure you can imagine Mike shouting these things at all hours, it must be it (FFS). We had a meeting with the school where we described all the events the way we lived them since joining the school. We said we have never had a problem till joining this school and we felt the school did very little to help Oliver actually. And now here we are, with a folder on him, a very distressing situation and no idea how to get out of it. On one thing we all agree: if there are rules they have to be respected and Oliver has a serious problem with this. There will be a visit with a social worker next week, I think the plan is to have something in place for us and the school to make sure this is resolved.

We already spoke with the social worker, we told her that at home the children have no access to internet at all, and they watch television only supervised (movies or cartoons from netflix which are age appropriate) and that we have no idea why he is acting this way in school. We are quite confident that Oliver just thinks that boobs and bums are funny, and says things to make someone laugh, only does not realise that children are reporting these things to the teachers and this is noted down. We have no problem with nudity at home (children shower with us regularly), we have the rule of not touching and that what is private is private. But this has gone unreal really.

I will update next week after the visit with the social worker.

This and that

Hello cyber people... it's been so so long.

So I thought I'd update you (and me really...it's probably more for me, if I ever one day will read all my blog again) on how things have gone since last summer.

Researchwise, things took a better turn towards the end of the year, I got two international grants and a couple more papers which was very nice and will hopefully help moving onto the next step in the ladder. In the new year a few more things have worked out also so I feel much more appreciated and positive I can make the most of this job.

The children are well, completely settled. Martina started school last September and she loves it, they are both avid readers (at their levels of course) which we are delighted with. Oliver turned 7 in January and he is much better, still has the silliness shining through more often that we would like but what can you do, hopefully he will grow out it in another little while (then he will be a teenager soon...I'm aware we will have another set of issues...). Martina is 5 in 6 weeks... she is so much more mature though, could just be 7 and you wouldn't blink. Both of them are very sweet actually, they mostly play together nicely (which includes brother/sister fights and the like fo course). I want to post here a pic we took at Christmas, it's one of my favourites!

Other than this life at home is ticking along, I'm very sad to say that that's about the level of excitement I can report. It's been like this for a good while unfortunately. The plan would be to move to the continent but it has to be Mike making the move this time, and it's not happening. He says he really would like to move of course...since January 2017...he has not applied for a single job yet. This inertia is killing me, in all honesty....I would have found it impossible to stick around if the situation was different...but that's how it is and I am stuck, no point in hoping it will change, it won't. 

Finally, we went skiing in February and it was fabulous, oh my god...I so so love the mountains, I could happily live in a hut if this was my view from the window...I will do all I can to make it happen.

I'll try and be back a bit sooner, I want you know that I still read you all. Hugs to all.

Still low

It seems this blog has yet again taken the role of holding my sorrow...
I am not doing much better than the last time. Sometimes I think I am and then... bang! another rejection  (two would you believe it since the last time I wrote) another sign that my ship has sailed and now they are investing in younger researchers, those that probably will have a much brighter future.

I don't know how to snap out of this status, I feel the institution where I work now has lured me in, got me on the cheap, and now not really investing in me. Why would they do this I wonder? And how can I change it? And more importantly, where do I find the energy to keep smiling and act the Rachel "gracious loser face"?

I'm still here

It's been so long. The longer it went the more difficult it got to write something. Anything at all.

Children are well and settled in school/day care. It took a while for Oliver but thankfully he is now a very happy boy and his behaviour is also much improved. I love the conversations he is capable of. His latest thing is "Mamma if you die, can daddy marry someone else?" of course I say, only there is no need for me to die really if he wants to marry someone else, he just has to "unmarry" me.

Mike has finally started working in April, he is much happier and while having him at home was great for school runs etc, financially meant we could not save anything. His contract is only till february so we'll see what happens next.

I am not doing very well. Oh everything is ok thankfully, I got more active, I did the couch to 5K challenge and I'm happy to report I made it and try to run that much 3 times a week (with varying degree of success). But work and my science spark has taken a major hit. Two hits in fact in the space of a week... one big paper rejected and one grant (which was vital for mobility and future plans) also rejected at the first evaluation. And I crumbled like never before. I'm questioning why I'm doing this job at all, what value is it really adding to society etc. The thought of going back to study medicine (which was my true call) has reappeared but it's tainted by the fact that I'm probably too old to start now, and the what if I can't actually deal with the emotional side of it all in the end (which was the original reason why I didn't do it in the first place). So I have days where I really would like to do nothing at all. Yet I have people depending on me, my group of lovely and still optimistic students and post docs...and I look at them and think "what do I have to give you anymore?".

Everyone is here

Hello my friends...

Bullet points till I will find some more mojo to get back to writing!

• Where has the summer gone? Children were in Italy for 6 weeks, we joined them for the last 2 weeks and I took them back with me to Nottingham. Let me tell you, it has not been easy. No childcare to speak of, I was facing 3 weeks of juggling the children and the work on my own. Thankfully I found a summer camp on campus which I used to the last available hour for Oliver and I dragged along Martina when she didn't have her induction time in the day care (also on campus). The weather has been very kind to us, and the house with the garden, and the trampoline (bless whoever invented the trampoline) helped massively to burn energies (the children) and keep the sanity (mine).
• Mike has moved over last friday and as he is now officially in charge of the children and the house while I take a break and go to the office...no seriously, I am in owe of single moms with young children and no help who seem to manage so gracefully. Kudos to you all out there.
• Mike has no job yet but now that he is here it should be a bit easier. Meanwhile he is doing a lot of things that otherwise I would have to do. He has been great help and somehow filled his days with a number of tasks which is brilliant. 
• Oliver started his new school on tuesday. It's a brilliant school, 7 minutes walk from home and Mike collects him in the afternoon. Both enjoy so much the time together, it's fantastic to see the bond growing.
• Martina is in full time day care on campus, they have their own private woodland and she LOVES it. Every friday they will do this "Forest school", no matter the weather, where they will learn about respect for nature but also building shelters,  tracking games, camp fire cooking....I want to go to!! Its concept originates in Denmark and it sounds amazing.
• Me. I'm doing ok. Now I have a bit more balance and I managed to catch up on a few things in work. We have been quite successful recently with our research and securing grants so I am more relaxed. My lab is still not ready and the group will relocate in 3 weeks. I'm told "there is plenty of time..." I suspect we will be playing cards for a while.

I will try and be back soon, I am reading though!

Move complete

Oh why is it so difficult for me to blog these days? I love to see what you have been up to and I think it's the same for you and yet I just seem to have nothing to say.

So after Brexit here nothing has changed. We all think it will change for the worse but nobody knows when it will happen. And we all just go along as normal. But one thing did happen, Mike had an interview with a company after Brexit, they went ahead with the interview, they didn't offer him the job but said he was great and everyone felt he would have been a great fit and to please apply again. I never heard such a thing. You either fit their profile or you don't. Yet it seems they didn't hire him because they decided to stay with the skill set they already had within  the company. We will see.

I moved over the car and now the house has relocated, I have all my things (albeit in boxes!) and Mike is the one who is roaming. The children are in Italy and my parents have been minding them for almost a month. The plan was for them to stay there till the end of August by my parents had enough, so we go for two weeks and then we taken them back....or I take them back to Nottingham. Which will be interesting because I don't know exactly what I can do with them till their school/daycare start. I have booked Oliver into a summer camps here on the University grounds and Martina will start her transition into the day care also on campus. The fact that the children are coming back with me in mid August means I have to have the house in much better shape and much quicker than I thought I had to. Their room was used much as the storage room while I was sorting out the wardrobes (which had to be built and Mike built two out of three already) and now every evening I'm shifting stuff in the attic or into a different room....not fun!!

Of course after months of intense travelling, plus the move etc I came down with the worse flu in years...all last week I had very high temp and a cough. On friday I started feeling a bit better, I still have a cough and very low energy but I'm no longer homebound.

Oh and I got my first UK grant!! So I feel a little less under pressure. Lets hope I continue to do well.