So sorry for the radio silence. Would you believe it, as soon as I posted my post last week the therapist called! We had a proper session over the phone and I felt so much better afterwards. In a nutshell the problem is of course that my past came back hunting me and that I must work through it and overcome what had been. She said the main problem, a part from what happened when I was young which we can't change, is that if I don't come to term with it (try first to understand/accept why/that it happen and maybe eventually forgive my parents) I may never forgive myself should I once snap with Oliver and that will cause of course a lot of problems as he'll be a teenager. She said the fact that the past came so violently back was of course caused by my dad saying what he said in the way that he said it, but that there is this subconscious mechanism that makes you think "he loves me more than his life, and yet he wasn't at all perfect, so I can do the exact same with Oliver". Of course the point is not to be a perfect parent, but to be better than you parents, it's normal in evolution, we have to do a little bit better, in whichever field we choose to do so. Anyway, I have started processing everything and already I can feel it's recessing in my mind. Try to understand why my dad would have snapped occasionally is not so easy. He's a well educated person, full of friends, very generous and very happy in is job and at home. But the key is that he just didn't know how to handle the feelings that my behaviour (whatever that was at the time) would bring up. It is and it was one of his limitation and a weakness, and so that was it, he would snap. And then the damage is done. Much more difficult is to comprehend why my mother let it happen. Right, if it was one slap, what could she do, but when she was there and it wasn't just one slap? I'm still not there yet but I feel I have the tools to get over this. Thank you all so much for the kind words of support as always.
Also, I got the vomiting bug too in the end. Initially I thought it was food poisoning but the doc thinks it was the virus. Getting better now but it's been rough. One positive thing: I'm one kg over my pre-baby weight! I mean before the steroids and all that shit! Wohooo!
And finally, we have tooth number 7 (not a bother on him, really)! I know I know, at this pace he'll be 3 by the time he has them all LOL what can you do? He's the best boy ever, and so so sweet all the time. Not long now and we'll go again...oh my...
6 comments:
I'm so glad you've started processing everything and it's moving to the back of your mind. Parental units are so tricky to deal with at times!
Vomiting? Oh you poor thing! So sorry! I am glad you're feeling better!
Big Huges!!
You just sound much better after speaking with the therapist. I hope things will continue to look up for you. So glad that you are able to better deal with some of these issues.
Get well soon.
Sounds like the therapist really helped you gain perspective and consider the way forward in your relationship with your parents. That's encouraging:)
Sorry you are sick and way to go on planning for your next baby. When aw you going to do that? Good luck!
It is good you are working on having a better approach of your relationship with your parents. It will help both you and your boy. Understanding parents are not perfect was a very difficult lesson for me.
Hope you're over whatever was making you sick and that you are back to normal. And fingers crossed and best of luck! May it all work out smooth and perfect! :-)
SO glad you were able to talk to your therapist and work through this stuff. It's such a good reminder that we will not be perfect parents, and that's ok too. As long as we're trying a little more. I really liked your thoughts on trying to understand why your parents acted the way they did. It all goes back to empathy. I'm reading a book that one thing that can help marriages, and actually all relationships is actively trying to be empathetic with 2 steps: 1. Describe the emotional changes you think you see. 2. Make a guess as to where those emotional changes came from. So when you're thinking about your dad, 1. Dad seemed very upset when I did what I did. 2. That's probably because he couldn't control my behavior, and that scared him. Or that he was afraid he would make the same mistakes he did, or something like that - only you can guess at that. And for your mom, perhaps she was afraid of your father attacking her? That she was afraid of him and it was scarier to have him attack her than to watch him attack you? It doesn't excuse it - by any means - but perhaps it can help you try to understand them. It's hard, I know. I'm trying to do some of the same stuff with my parents...
Congrats on losing the baby weight! You rock!!!
Fran, you have been very much on my mind since your very first posting about what happened when your parents were over. I'm glad the conversation with the therapist went so well, and that she helped you look at things objectively, and also start to think in way to contain it, and to not allow it any more power over you than it already has. Which is a tall order, I know.
You're right about evolution, and about doing better. And you ARE.
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