A new decade has begun

I was really hoping to write a post to wrap up 2019 but clearly it has not happened... so I'll do it here and now, at the beginning of this new decade. So many posts on facebook have appeared showing all that people went through in the last ten years...mostly families getting bigger. I suppose it was the same for me, the 2000-2009 period saw me getting married for the second time and begin the quest for a family which of course had more downs than up in that time. IVF, two ectopic pregnancies, surgeries, so so much heartache.
Then 2010-2019 has given me two children, three relocations with two job changes and life in three different countries. Significant also has been the steady decline in my relationship with my husband which I am now just accepting as the norm. Maybe this new decade will bring some changes there because I don't feel that old yet that I have to just give up on happiness (for which really there is no age anyway).

I remember my post at the beginning of 2019 was quite loaded with anxiety and expectations, it all went well for me, it has been a great year, specially on the work front. I feel with the move to Switzerland I'm living the dream. I love everything about my job, the new students, the colleagues, the unthinkable options I now have available. I also stopped thinking it was a major amount of luck that brought me here, I know it was not a gift but actually a ton of hard work with very little external help (reading: I had nobody pushing me or my career, ever) and I am very very proud of what I have achieved. The luck has been in meeting exceptionally talented young researchers that worked with me on my ideas, brought in their own, grew as scientists and developed a work ethic which is impeccable. I am so so proud of them and incredibly thankful.

2020 has for me less anxiety to start with (I'm sure I'll get my fair share soon enough), but as no major changes are planned, at least I do not have to elaborate on all possible negative scenarios.

The children are well, have settled in school and we finally are getting some attention for Oliver's behaviour which, while I can safely say it has improved, still is extremely challenging at times. On suggestion of the school, he will soon be tested for giftedness and with that also for ADD. It seems that children can show traits of ADD if giftedness is not spotted on time. If I think about the amount of times we seeks professional help and never got anywhere I feel quite defeated. In fairness the first neuropsychologist in Ireland where we went when he was not even 5, suggested to test him for high intelligence too, but that would have then implied going to special schools and we didn't do it. Here the normal public school he is attending now would have a programme for gifted children every wednesday. Let's see how that goes. He turned 9 on the first of January. He can be such a lovely child, but when he gets into his oppositional mode he is capable of saying unspeakable things which totally push my buttons and never ends well.
Martina is a lovely girly girl, so super caring and thoughtful, she suffers a lot when Oliver is in one of his tantrums, but she is very easy going and forgiving (unlike me clearly).

Mike has not yet found a job, hopefully the new year will bring something for him too, but it is very very tough of course as I would expect he at least used all his free time to engage with the children and build a relationship, but no...he is not that different with them from how his parents must have been with him and this is not working out.

Finally, I still can't seem to get my comments to any of the blogs I read... Heather if you are reading my blog still, please know I must have commented on almost all your posts but it seems that either you don't get the message that there is a new comment to approve or it is just lost in the web.

Hugs to you all and I wish you a great 2020.

I'm still here

It's been so long. The longer it went the more difficult it got to write something. Anything at all.

Children are well and settled in school/day care. It took a while for Oliver but thankfully he is now a very happy boy and his behaviour is also much improved. I love the conversations he is capable of. His latest thing is "Mamma if you die, can daddy marry someone else?" of course I say, only there is no need for me to die really if he wants to marry someone else, he just has to "unmarry" me.

Mike has finally started working in April, he is much happier and while having him at home was great for school runs etc, financially meant we could not save anything. His contract is only till february so we'll see what happens next.

I am not doing very well. Oh everything is ok thankfully, I got more active, I did the couch to 5K challenge and I'm happy to report I made it and try to run that much 3 times a week (with varying degree of success). But work and my science spark has taken a major hit. Two hits in fact in the space of a week... one big paper rejected and one grant (which was vital for mobility and future plans) also rejected at the first evaluation. And I crumbled like never before. I'm questioning why I'm doing this job at all, what value is it really adding to society etc. The thought of going back to study medicine (which was my true call) has reappeared but it's tainted by the fact that I'm probably too old to start now, and the what if I can't actually deal with the emotional side of it all in the end (which was the original reason why I didn't do it in the first place). So I have days where I really would like to do nothing at all. Yet I have people depending on me, my group of lovely and still optimistic students and post docs...and I look at them and think "what do I have to give you anymore?".

"Emotionally starved"

This is the definition my psychotherapist used to describe what is going on inside my head and heart. And I realised this is perfectly fitting.

Till we had plans, things to do, to keep busy, etc. I did not notice that my emotions did not get sufficient attention (understatement of the year). Throughout my infertility years I had you: my cyber friends. A couple of whom are very good friends in real life too. I needed this space where I could talk, open my heart and I knew, I always knew I would have gotten the support, the comfort, the kind words. Mike has always been extremely kind, but never capable of sitting down with me and listen to my broken soul. Or better, he listened. Never had anything to say back. That's just not what we do. And for 12 years I think I was ok with this, I had my friends, I had you, I had my many projects. Oliver, the first years, Martina, her first years... we are busy, not much time to think, to observe and take stock. We always had something to do around the house, holidays to plan. I mostly planned everything, Mike very happy to go along (most of the time) and me happy to do the planning.

I know things changed early this year. Or better, they didn't change at all, I just suddenly saw the situation differently.

As I started looking for a job somewhere else, Mike was not there at all for me. Not a word like...ever. No plans, dreams or even curiosity. Surely he saw how impossible the working environment had become for me, surely he must have known I am not the kind of person that just complains about things. I would have acted. And I did. On my own. I wrote in May how he suddenly had a major display of emotions (all negatives) and that for me was a turning point. The turning point. One of those you remember forever. If my feelings had been tested up till that point, there was when something broke. It's not the job hunting, or the event itself, it's how obviously incapable we are of talking to one another. I did not see that coming at all. Not only that, but on that occasion I absolutely did not share nor I understood his feelings. We are scientists, it's in our nature to have a curious attitude, to love new things, to discover. I realised I would be much better off on my own in my adventure. Clearly the children are a significant factor. I am not doing anything rushed only because of them.

I love him, I will always love him. I just wish I was free and love him from afar, like I love my parents. I'd like to be free to do my things without thinking "oh I better let him know this or the other" and it's always only functional. I am not even mentioning my excitement about starting new things, setting up a new lab, new collaborations, new projects. He never asks of course, but also he is always going to be lukewarm no matter what we say/do.

It could totally be me. In fact I think it is me. I tend to get bored. I'm amazed I only noticed it now after 12 years together. With my first husband it took about 4 years total time. Clearly we had no children, it was so much easier to just pack up and go. And we stayed very good friends (if we ever were friends, again we had zero in common, zero conversation, at least with Mike we have the science in common if not so much the emotional connection) we are still in touch for birthdays etc 14 years after splitting up. How do I pick these people? Am I so so blind that I don't see macroscopic stuff like the fact that if I have a concern as irrational as it may be I do not feel understood by my partner? My mom always mentioned how strange it was that Mike had barely any contact with his own family bar the mandatory sunday phone call. And I was getting very much uptight about it answering that the fact that they were less attached didn't mean they didn't love each other. This still stands. I mean...maybe the major thing was when he didn't go home last Christmas when he was told his mother had days to live....I think he loved her. Is that the way I want to be loved? Most definitely not. Can we work on this as a couple? I doubt it. He has not changed, I have.

I need new emotions, new everything. And the children are great, they will always bring something new, it's such an amazing thing seeing the world through their eyes. Now I just have to find a way to move forward, and do the least amount of damage.
As ever, thank you so so much for your shoulders, I desperately need them.

Soooo it seems like I got a job offer!

The two-week wait felt exactly (and I mean EXACTLY) like those 2ww. Some days I was feeling good, some not so much, kept checking emails and the Irish phone for news at all hours (mostly from 4 am to 9am), reviewed a gazillion times how it all went etc. By wednesday evening of week 2 California time I had totally given up. Imagine I also had a dream it went well, but that was in the first week when we all know we feel much more positive.

Then when I was resigned I would not get good news I got an email from the Head of School in the UK institution asking if we could skype the following morning. Mhh sure, can you please tell me where I stand? And waiting a full day?? (It was about 10am California time and he asked if we could skype 7am California time the day after). So I asked for some light and he said it was a bit complicated and we could talk now if I was free. Of course I was and I felt like I had just peed on a stick...

The situation is this: the position I had been invited to apply for was a full prof, top of the rank etc for which I never thought I was really suitable (my cv is still a bit too young, that is a role one gets later in the academic career, it has a lot of responsibility etc), but sure if they thought I was why not giving it a shot. The interview panel saw in me all the potential, thought I was a great fit but perhaps a bit too junior for a full prof position. Right...so?? So he said, they still want me and would I consider joining the School at Associate Prof level? With a career plan for promotion to Full Prof?

ABSOLUTELY YES!!

Of course I didn't say that, I said if the package was good, if I could get in somewhere higher in the scale etc I'd be happy to consider it. So he was delighted, I was hiding my happiness as best I could, but they are giving up the full prof level to have me (they could have re-advertised and hope for more appropriate level candidates and not hire anyone) and it feel really good to know they want me. Also this level is much more my level and I know now I can negotiate well as I feel much stronger in what I can ask for.

Mike is happy, worried but happy. Made some (joke) comments on how he would have preferred to be married to a full prof (I answered he can marry one anytime he wants) and would my title still be Prof (yes...you'd think he is a farmer and not in academia at all). So we'll see how things go between us, I appreciate all the comments, I just feel we are in such a routine, things work well, we have good arrangements etc but the spark is totally gone. I could not be bothered planning things and sharing them as we have are not on the same wavelength. I asked him what was his main worry and he is worried about his job...which has no career plan, no promotion and no project! So really, he could be stacking shelves and be as much as satisfied. But I can't be the one suggesting what he can do when we move, he has to find it himself.

On a different note Martina one day last week said she was done with the nappies, wanted to put on Oliver underpants and never had an accident since! We bought her underpants, which she loves, and she is dry at nights too (but we do put on a nappy just in case). Will have to sell all my beloved cloth nappies once I'm back in Dublin, bohooo...

Ready to go!

Two meanings of course here!

We are getting ready to go to Italy tomorrow for 2 and half weeks, seaside with my mom and sister and then realx on hills of the Apennines. Mike won't come with us this time and we'll miss him a lot but I know he'll miss us even more. I don't have much to pack, but I look forward to see how the superlight stroller will perform at the airport, it's way to warm in Italy for the sling and till I'll be comfortable carrying Oliver on my back, the weight on the front is a bit too much.

This was us the last time at the airport in Italy

I'm never very good at taking too many pics, but I'll definitely make an effort this time and I'll bring also the camcorder. We'll see!

And remember last week I had my blood tests done at the GP on CD3 to see how my hormones were doing. Here they are:

FSH 6.4

LH 3.6

E2 168 (pmol/L or 45.8 pg/mL)

TSH 2.80

So needless to say I'm delighted and the Fav Doctor texted me when she got the faxed results saying she was confident the response in September will be good.

I also had my total blood count done and all is well, very good haemoglobin and the only thing out of range were my neutrophiles which are a bit below the minimum but the GP said it's nothing to worry about as everything else is normal.

I won't have much of a connection while on holidays, so I'm afraid I won't be able to comment if not sporadically, but you are all in my thoughts!

Future plans

Yesterday we went to the clinic (new location, ultra posh place, was almost expecting a room named after me LOL!) and we met with the Fav Doctor. The medical part of the chat was very quick, the policy is "don't change what works" and so we'll do the same protocol the next time. We are looking at September with no pill (whoohoooo!!!), as my cycles are very regular already, I just have to give her a call when my period start in September (probably it'll be late August), she'll get my prescription ready and we are good to go! She suggested to start with a lower dose, she'll monitor me more often (the new place is walking distance from work) and we can increase if necessary. Two out of the three fresh cycles I have done, I risked OHSS and this resulted in half the trigger dose the last time which yielded 6 eggs out of 18 follicles which then became 3 blasts. We'll try and aim for 10 eggs without OHSS. We still think we'll freeze which means I won't be on steroids or clexane this time. The idea is to go to blast anyway and freeze then (Oliver was a frozen blast). But we'll see how it goes and the Fab Doctor seems to be quite flexible with us, which is great.

We also got a tour of the new facility and I can only say WOW. They even bought a new 3d ultrasound machine. Cool!

Yesterday was also my CD3 so I got my bloods done at the GP to see how I'm getting on on the hormones side of things. I'll have the results back next week.

Finally, I'm deeply saddened by the many losses happing in blogland. Some of them are just unreal they are so so cruel. I still get a profound sense of fear reading those stories, as if they trigger my memories around Oliver's birth so though you girls are in my thoughts and prayers I am not able to comment too much.

22 weeks, shopping, clinic and potty training (!)

My darling Oliver is 22 weeks! 5 full months!

We are experiencing a heatwave here and the weather is amazing! On monday it's holiday here so it's a long weekend for which I've tons of things planned!

Yesterday I bought a light frame stroller called Petit Star Zia Plus. It seems like people have mixed opinions but I'm totally positive about it, really easy to use and manoeuvre!

Folds really small and I got a good offer with a summer removable lining, a parasol and rain cover! Very happy about it and Oliver seems to love it too! It'll be our summer/travel stroller!

On the shopping side, I finally manage to buy some swimwear for our upcoming trip to the seaside. I got everything in the same shop after seeing their collection online. I'm pleased with it too, though I think I have a long way to go before I'll look good in anything!

In other news, a girl on one of the local boards attending my same clinic mentioned that my Fav Doctor is now certified on the Irish medical board too (she is not Irish and got her qualification abroad) and so can now take her own patients. I thought it was a sign so I texted her congratulating her on the news and to see if we can set up a meeting to plan our future. She was delighted and said that given I'm a special patient, I can just tell her when I want to go in and she'll make time for me. So it may be next week!! Wohoo!! Things are moving fast! Of course I'll update you on that too.

Finally yesterday and today I got Oliver to poo on the loo!! I had read that if you hold the baby in a particular way it'll help them understand how to go potty in a more regular way. It was a popular method in tribal societies where nappies were not used. There is a lot of controversy on this potty training method and I am not following it as such. Anyway, yesterday I got the impression that he was probably about to poo so I took off his nappy and held him over the loo (keeping his legs lifted towards his tummy) and he went! He seemed delighted with the experience and so was I. Then this morning we did it again! Now, he also pooed in his nappy other times but given that we use cloth nappies it's a great victory not to having to clean them from solids sometimes and also I'm sure it's great for him not to have to sit on his poo till I realise he needs a change.

11 weeks (Italian Style!)

Hello my friends! I'm still in Italy and although I managed to read your blogs I didn't comment much (please forgive me!) and didn't post anything of my own news.

Everything is great, the trip was no bother at all for little Oliver who slept practically all the time. I was very lucky that I didn't have to bring any gear with me, car-seat, stroller, swing-chair etc were all kindly offered by my sister's friends and my parents had bought a travel-cot. I carried Oliver in my fab sling and off we went.

The first night at my parents' was a bit rough but after that he settled in like he'd always been here! The torticollis is definitely improving, we do a bit of exercise every day but it seems that he's turning the head to the left in a more natural way on his own too. Still hates tummy time and still absolutely adores bath time. I suppose you can't win everything ah! We bought here and inflatable baby tub which will double as small pool this summer, it's fantastic, I'd never seen one before and totally recommend it!

Oliver loves to splash, shake his legs, stretch and generally moves a lot when in the tub so with this one there's no risk of him hitting a hard surface with his head! It fits in the normal tub too.

The Snuza is a great peace of mind, it was one of the best thing I bought for sure. I forgot to mention that last week, when we were still in Ireland, the AngelCare did alarm one morning...it was only the first "bip" (15 seconds of no movement) after which I clearly heard Oliver taking a deep breath! So I have to remember to mention this to the paed at the 12 weeks check-up. Likely to have been a one off, but still. There are cases of sleep apnea in Mike's family, so better to keep an eye on it.

And I went to see my "old" psychologist and it went really really well. She also said that the way I feel is totally "normal" after all I have been through. It was to be expected in fact. So we started working on my anxiety and I am already much better. Interestingly, she explained how bleeding gives the impression to the body that it's dying and so there is this connection between life and death linked to Oliver's birth, even though rationally I never feared I was dying, but that Oliver could have died. It's only at the subconscious level, but as Oliver was part of me, I tend to focus at the moment more on death than life and this causes my anxiety. Time will be the best healer as the cells "forget" the scary scenario and reprogramme themselves to focus on what every organism does best which is living (and think positively about life). She recommended to keep supplementing my diet with iron (even though my heamoglobin is back to normal) to speed up the process. She actually used this phrase after I described my last 4 years "you swallowed a lot of death". Scary! But it will get better and better. I'm glad I went. I'll go again when I came back in May and meanwhile she gave me her Skype address if I need it! Ah...technology.

Mike then arrived on wednesday and we celebrated our fourth anniversary on thursday. What a journey...Three years ago we were in Japan having our belated honeymoon and it's absolutely shocking what has happened there. My friend and her family in Tokyo are ok but she said it's horrific. Japan, you can do it and will get through this. Last year on the 16th I had my life changing hysteroscopy and this year we brought our miracle to meet his great-grandmother. Life is certainly full of twists and turns.

Only 3 more days and we'll fly back to Dublin....bohoooo! Already missing the fab food...just as well I'll be back here in 6 weeks! I'm checking out now, love to you all my cyber-friends.

An answer of some kind

Yesterday I called my OB's office to see if he received the histology report on my placenta as I hand't heard back from him. The secretary said not all results were in but that Dr. L would check with the lab and let me know. By dinner time he hadn't called and I figured he would call today instead. But he did call! Around 9.30pm! Isn't he a great doctor? Anyway, he said that there was nothing particularly outstanding in the report, no blood clots and no calcifications. Mmhh. That kind of ruled out our/mine main causes for IUGR and diminished fluids...but he did say that there were signs of inflammation which would be explainable if the waters had in fact started leaking a few days earlier (inflammation is the first response to infection or irritation, I had no fever, waters were clear so I don't think I had an infection). If anyone knows more on this please let me know, there's only so much you can find on Google and being at home I have no access to medical literature!

He said that in my next pregnancy they will monitor more closely the blood flow to the placenta throughout the third trimester so that if there's a sign of deterioration it'll be picked up quickly. I have to say though that it's not like my placenta wasn't checked, I had a scan less than 3 weeks before things looked suddenly serious, and at that time everything was as good as it could be, including fluid levels so I guess it was just one of those (scary) things.

Oh, and I may have said to soon I was done with the bleeding....grrr had some more spotting!!

Next week I'll pop into my clinic and see if I could talk to my Fav Doctor, I wonder if I had inflammation of the membranes if it's better to have a hysteroscopy before going again, just to make sure all is good to go...you know, I'm prone to things going awfully wrong if my uterus isn't in perfect conditions!

6 weeks check ups!

Little Oliver is 6 weeks today and doing great!

We both went for our check up on thursday. Dr. L was very happy to see me and said my scar has healed perfectly. He didn't have the histology report on my placenta which may have been sent to Dr. Wonderful so he'll trace it back and call me next week. We chatted a bit about why the placenta may have stopped working, but till we can see the lab results it's just a guessing work. So we'll wait. He said that if there were some clots formed we may considerer taking aspirin all the way through the next pregnancy and have closer monitoring (which is just music to my ears...I'm addicted to hospitals and doctors I discovered!) with doppler scan done routinely (although I am quite sure the blood flow in the umbilical artery was ok till the very end...but maybe not the flow from me to the placenta, I don't know). Anyway....did you see me talking already bout the next pregnancy??

Sooooo it was in fact Dr. L who brought this up asking if we were thinking of doing IVF again to give Oliver a little sibling. I said we were but we didn't know time-wise if there were restrictions due to the c-section. You read loads of different opinions, some say you have to wait a year before conceiving again, other 18 months...so as I'm not getting any younger and we don't have any frozen embryos left I was a bit concerned I'd simply sun out of time.

Amazingly he said that in fact you read all of the above, but that the scar in the uterus doesn't change any more after 3 months from the surgery and that at that point it is as good as it's ever going to be. So the recommended amount of time between two pregnancies is not related at all to the type of delivery, just mostly to when someone is ready to go again. This was absolutely fantastic to hear. I think I realised that I would like to have another baby, to enjoy the pregnancy this time but I also want to give Oliver all the attention he deserves. As we will never have an accidental pregnancy I wonder if we could go for a cycle this summer and just freeze the embryos for the future. I know it's a gamble and I'll probably be worried about the fact that when we do the transfer, say in a year to 18 months from now they either don't survive or it's a BFN I'll be even older for more treatments then...Anyway, we'll think about it and it's nice to know that the guidelines here are suiting me just better!

Next Oliver went for his check up and passed with flying colours. His muscular tone is right on track and so is his weight and head control. I asked about the dirty nappies (I thought they were improving but not really) and the doctor thinks that as he never had any temperature or any other kind of discomfort it's probably not a virus at all at this point but just his body struggling a bit to process all the lactose he's taking in. He had a point when he said we'd be having diarrhoea too if we were drinking 9-10 litres of milk a day in proportion to our body weight! So we'll try a different formula with lower lactose content and see how it goes.

I had forgot to mention in my last post that I went to the clinic with Oliver last tuesday! Of course I called ahead to see when was the best time to drop by when no patients would have been around. I'd been there to long not to know how painful it is to see other people's babies even if they have gone through IF. You can hear the evil voice in your head saying you may just fall at the other side of the statistics...

It was so emotional being there again, but in a good way. Everyone wanted to hold Oliver and I took a pic of the Favourite Doctor with him!

Again, I felt the comfort of being there, the familiarity of the place and the people that made our miracle a reality for us and never gave up on hope. It's as if I miss it all. Of course they all look forward to seeing me soon again! They also told me that they are moving location in the next two months as they have outgrown the facilities there. Shock! I won't be going back to the same place which was so so convenient as it was just on the way to work...so it was great to hear the new building is even more conveniently located for us, maybe it's a sign we won't have so much heartbreak the next time!

Finally yesterday I brought Oliver into work and had great (social) time with colleagues at lunch and coffee (ah!! the coffee!! It was ages I din't have a *bucks Caramel Macchiato!). I really do miss adult interaction...

Reasons to be optimistic

Thank you so much for being there for me all the time.

Last night a basically dragged myself to bed before 10 pm. I was wrecked. The vet had called us saying that Patches temperature was normal and that we just had to wait and see.

This morning I was better, I slept well so that's always a good medicine. Mike drove me to the clinic at 7.30, I was checked in, Mike went home and promised to let me know as soon as he had phoned the vet. The initial report was good, meaning that Mike spoke with the nurse around 8.45 and she was the same who admitted Patches yesterday, so although the vet wasn't there yet and she didn't check his temp, she thought he was a bit better than yesterday. And this was music to my ears as I walked to the theatre.

When I woke up, I was in no pain at all, but I remember the nurse giving me painkillers of various kind, so I thought to myself 'Dr. B must have found something or there would be no need of meds'. I slept for a good while, and then I noticed I had a pad which was quite stained. Another hint that something more than a general look had gone on down there. Dr. B came to talk to me just before I was sent home and he showed me pictures he took which showed a lot of scar tissue on that back wall of the uterus!! There is no explanation why I had it he said, it's like a fibroid it can just grow and definitely this would have interfered with implantation!! He removed all the scarred tissue and I'm as clean as a whistle! ehehe

Then I basically slept all day and Mike went to visit Patches at the vet. His temperature is still normal, he's eating, drinking, peeing and pooing which are all good things. Still has this gagging reflex but today he was much more alert. I suppose the fact that he's not boiling with fever helps a lot. The breathing is still a bit laboured and they think there's still fluids in the lungs. We have to wait and see of course, it's still a long road and they'll keep him in until he has fully recovered. So we are delighted and trying to be optimistic!

The Dude is becoming more and more affectionate, I suppose he has only us now so we have to be enough for him. The big step is that he jumped on Mike's lap today! So again we are hopeful that with time he'll fully settle.

Wrapping up ICLW

This week really flew away! For me it has been a week filled with things to do and novelties. To wrap them all up here goes the list:

1) I had the WTF review on tuesday which went well, the plan is to have a hysteroscopy to make sure I have nothing that impedes the implantation in the uterus and then schedule the FET with the single penguin we had in this cycle. I will be on a modified protocol this time which will involve Viagra to maximise the blood flow to the uterus. I look forward to the experience :o)

2) Patches and the Dude came home also on tuesday, they quickly got to know each other and now are inseparable! They sleep together, play together, and even lick each other, so we are delighted with that. Patches was very affectionate from the very beginning, the Dude on the contrary was quite shy and would hiss at you if you were getting too close or try to pet him. Well, yesterday both Mike and I were able to pet him for quite a while (from under the table)! We are hopeful that he will relax a bit more but we know it may take some time.

3) My second PhD student submitted his thesis on friday! What a milestone for him (and for me!) I am really happy with the way his project turned out so hopefully the external examiner will be of the same opinion. The viva will be some time in April.

4) Mum and Dad have finally booked a flight to come visiting after Easter. It took two kittens to get them over here! They will love them and this is now the main topic of conversation when we chat on skype "how are the kittens?" "What do they do?" "Can you show them to us?" and so on. Bless them.

5) I have booked a weekend in London with my best friend, we are going to go to an amazing Spa (check it out here) in March! We went there for my 30th birthday 5 and a half years ago, it was about time we were going back!

6) Last but not least, I found new blogs to follow and I look forward to get to know better my cyber-frineds.

The kitties and the WTF review

Please welcome....the newest members of the family....

Patches O'Houlihan and The Dude Lebowski!

I can't believe we have kittens in the house! Well you may wonder about the names, I know, not the most classic cat names, but we had seen Dodgeball recently and Patches O'Houlihan really cracked Mike up (apparently the surname is typically Irish but no way the name is!) and we decided no matter what the cat looked like, if it was male or female, we would have have had a Patches! So Patches is the stripy-patchy one on the left, he's probably 3 months old and very affectionate. You pick it up and he starts purring in no time. The Dude is actually very shy, and walks really low on the ground, but he has eaten already and although Patches hisses at him a bit he's really cool about it! So Patches and The Dude are now adopted, they have found a cosy place under a trolley in the kitchen where the photo was taken and they don't seem to mind sharing it (allright, Patches is not too pleased...) we are very happy and I'll keep you posted on how they settle in.

And what do you know, while I was at the shelter I got the WTF phone call! Dr. W (the Super Doctor, the one who did the transfer) started with "Oh, Fran, I'm so frustrated it didn't work, you must be too!" oh yeah...you got that right doc! Anyway, he thinks that maybe this cycle the quality of the blasts wasn't as high as the last time, nothing to be read into it really, it just happens. He also said that we should go ahead with the penguin, you never know, it's a nice blast, likely to survive the thaw, we'll be changing a bit the protocol so that I won't be on so much estrogen and we add a bit of Viagra to the mix. Seriously. I said right so, how about we make sure we have nothing to worry with my uterus? Can I have a hysteroscopy? He said sure! I would have suggested it myself if this FET failed, might as well get it done beforehand! And so he's contacting the doctor in one of the Hospitals (very near home) and we'll get that sorted out and then here we'll schedule the FET. He was really positive about us, he said that I always got pregnant on fresh cycles, it's just in the odds that sometime it doesn't work or they would have stats of 100% success per transfer!

Anyway, it may have been that I had Patches and the Dude ready to go home, but I was very happy about the conversation, again the clinic is really hands-on and I'm sure they really want to get me pregnant!

ICLW lifesaver week

Thank God it's here. The ICLW week I mean. When I signed up for this round I was starting my ICSI #3 and of course I didn't know which three words to put down. I think I put "uncertainty" as one of them. Well, that's definitely the right word for my current situation.

Let's recap for the new readers:

IUI: 1

ICSI fresh attempts: 3

FET: 2

BFP: 2

Ectopic pregnancies: 2 (the same two as the BFP)

Tubes left: 0

Penguins available: 1

Needless to say, it is difficult to stay positive, I have my WTF review on tuesday and I hope we will have a strategy for what to do next. After the BFN just last week, I started looking into other options such as surrogacy, thinking that it's my uterus that has something wrong, but upon researching a good bit that doesn't seem to be a likely cause in our case. It could be just the chance of bad embryos like I blogged about a few days ago. We always made it to blasts, even from frozen transfers, but who knows.

My cycle-buddies all got pregnant, as it always happens with me, and the title of my blog never felt more appropriate (a part from the fact that it was not an easy journey for them either).

On our plate there is also the adoption route. After months of silence (we put in our application in June 09), I got a call last week that everything is now in order and we will receive a waiting list number for the preparation course within 3 weeks. The course will be available to us probably in 12 months (18 at the latest) and this means that our infertility treatments have now a time limit because we have to stop them 6 months prior to the beginning of the course.

So how do I cope with the difficulties I'm facing at the moment? Well, a part from the fantastic support of my cyber-friends and some IRL people, I finally convinced Mike to add fur-babies to our household! And on tuesday we'll pick up two young cats from one of the shelters! Pictures and names will be revealed then! Do stay tuned!

So what now

Thanks to each and everyone of you. I just have no words. Thanks for all the tips on having a pet, I think Mike is nearly convinced!!! We may go for a small dog, there are many places around where we are that will take it if we go out of the Country, so it's doable!! I'll keep you posted of course.

I read a lot yesterday if it's really possible that my uterus is "unsuitable" for pregnancies like I feared. I found a clinic in Chicago that deals with failed implantation and that has a very informative website on all the known causes of pre-implantation loss, peri-implantation loss and of course post-implantation loss. I'll post it here because it was really helpful

http://www.illinoisivf.com/recurrent-pregnancy-loss/index-rpl.html

I would be in the category of either pre- or peri-implantation loss. I don't have hormonal issues (ie I do respond to estrogen and progesterone and my lining thickens), I don't seem to have a physical uterine issues (polyps, submucous fybroids or scarring) and I'm dealing with the mild immuno issues with the intralipids. So it could in fact have been the embryos.

"Data from preimplantation genetic diagnosis suggest that 30% to 90% of in vitro fertilized eggs depending on maternal age are chromosomally abnormal. Furthermore, it has been estimated that 75% of karyotypically normal pre-implantation embryos fail to implant."

That's sound like there is a chance that maybe next time we'll be ok! We still got two pregnancies out of 5 transfers (plus one chemical at the second FET), so really we are well within the stats (still it sucks that it didn't work!).

The other thing is the position of the transfer. It's a very fine line and I think given that I don't have tubes any more we may risk a higher transfer next time.

My WTF phone-appointment is scheduled for next tuesday, I'll ask if it's worth my while having a third laparoscopy, to tidy properly the left over stumps of the tubes, remove the external fybroid and perhaps having a look to see if I do have any scarring from my exploratory lap&dye and D&C back in December 07. I'll ask also about surrogacy in Ireland, a friend yesterday said she'll be our carrier...can you believe that? Although I was moved by her gesture I don't think she thought it through and I'm not sure if she would even be suitable (she's 3 years older than me, had hormonal issues in past etc.). Still it was so generous for her to offer.

No calls from the adoption board of course, not sure what to do, if you are seen as an impatient harasser it doesn't really work in your favour!

Overall I feel well, my scientific thirst for knowledge is satisfied for now and I feel more relaxed about our future chances. I went to yoga yesterday and it was great, gong again this evening for a "Goddess gathering" of meditation and positive energy! Just what the doctor ordered!

Miracles happen...

...to other people only.

I know most of you still were hopeful and I thank you for that. But I knew. I even dreamt of a negative pregnancy test last night and I told Mike this morning before testing. So we were both prepared. I think Mike can't believe that I have this sixth sense for many things that have to do with my body. Of course I'm not always right, but mostly I am.

Last night I had a good cry, with sobs and the whole lot while having a shower. I let it all out then and I was fine this morning when the test just confirmed my feelings. There's no hope i's going to become positive and if it does then it's even worse news.

I called the clinic to cancel my intralipid, I left a message to the nurses to see what I have to do with the meds, they'll call back.

I'll be booking a WTF review meeting on friday, when I'll call again. I am a bit hopeful now again that it may work next time. Out of 3 fresh cycle we got two pregnancies, a 100% success would be quite unlikely in any case, but we'll see what the doctor will say.

I have called the Adoption people to see where our application is at, I left a message, we'll see if they call back, certainly our file has not made its way to the Adoption Board yet but it's still with the HSE for assessment. How frustrating...

I also got some info through a local board about surrogacy, that may be an option but I'll have to check better, I have been fortunate that one girl is going through the surrogacy process at the moment and she' happy to share! So I'll call her his evening.

It makes me feel better to know that we may have options.

Also Mike is nearly giving in to get a pet!! Only concern is what do we do when we go on holidays...but I told him I need take care of something small...

Outlook- not so good

***WARNING: Negative post ahead***

As the day progressed yesterday, all my positive mood faded away quite quickly. I don't think I'm pregnant, I don't feel anything a part from some bloating after I eat something. I know I am tired because I wake up every night at 4.06 am and lie awake for 2 hours before falling back to sleep for 10 minutes before the alarm goes off for the progesterone. Who wouldn't be?

I told Mike last night I didn't feel too good any more about this cycle, of course he was adorable but I could see the sadness in his eyes.

I think my uterus is just not capable of pregnancies. I got pregnant twice in my life, both times it was ectopic, of course the embryos are fine and strong, it's not them it's me. I'm desperately trying to find out if there is an expert in ectopic pregnancies I can contact and I have sent a couple of emails, we'll see.

So what do we do if this is a real failure?

Sure we have a penguin, but obviously if the problem is my uterus what's the point? A part from the heart-break of another 2ww I'm not sure it'll be worth it. I'm not sure I can ever have a normal pregnancy.

I could have more surgery, to remove the fibroid (never thought to be a problem) and properly remove the stumps of the tubes. I think in that case a higher transfer could be made with minimal risk of ectopic.

Surrogacy is also what I'm looking into at the moment. In Ireland the law seems to be very unclear, apparently my clinic is listed as one of the two that does surrogacy I will ask next time I call. We could go abroad also but major restrictions are in place in many Countries on non-residents and surrogacy there. If you guys have any knowledge please share, I need something to hang on to.

Test day still on wednesday. No spotting, cramping on and off as usual.

Moving on

Thank you so much for the comments on my last post. We were away last weekend and I had the opportunity of talking to a good friend of mine who's a clinical psycologist (and I think she's pregnant!! see later) about my student and she agreed with you all that she needs to see a doctor very soon. So I talked to my student this morning again, she feels much better, appears to be the usual lovely girl I got to appreciated so much during the years and although she has not gone to the doctor yet I made her promise that as soon as she feels things are changing again she'll go. And I'll have her under very strict surveillance!

So as I was saying we went to visit friends in the countryside last weekend. We have two couples of very close friends who are even closer among themselves. T is Mike's best friend and A, his wife, is a fantastic girl and a very good friend of ours. They know all about our IF and have been amazingly supportive (during my FET last April we went at their wedding carrying the penguins!). C and D are the other couple, they have a baby who's 18 months or so and absolutely adorable. A and C are both clinical psycologists and they have been great help during the dark days. C is pregnant again and I so much appreciated that she called and told me very early on (she is 10 weeks), she said it was difficult but also she knew it would have been disrespectful of me actually not telling me. And I was truly happy for them. This was last week news.
And then we went to T and A for the weekend. I had the immediate impression she was pregnant too. They didn't say though, so it may be just very early, but I knew. You know the classic things like she's not even tasting the wine (and he's not even offering it to her, very unusual!!) and being a bit more tired than usual. Yet we went for a nice walk up the hills and did a lot of gardening. So Mike doesn't think she is. I bet we'll get the official news in a month or so.

We'll be the only childless couple left. I admit, this had an impact on me that I probably understimated a bit. I felt sad at the idea, out of the circle so to speak. I'm afraid they won't call us anymore, maybe just out of consideration that it may hurt us being around their children, their happiness. Which we don't have.
And I got my period on friday night, right on time which was great, but somehow brought back the feelings of fear that I had when I was bleeding due to the ectopic. God....I'll be absolutely terrified if I'll get pregnant again. Not sure what to do about it.
I called the clinic today and I'm waiting for a call back. Ideally I don't want anyone IRL to know about this, I know everyone is just trying to be supportive, but the stress of keeping real people up-to-date for me is a lot right now. We'll see. Hopefully they can schedule us for January/February, I want to be on the pill for as short as possible.

And I know I haven't updated on the attic conversion yet, but i promise it's on my list of things to do!

A plan is shaping up in my head

I've been a very good ICLW member this time around and I'm very proud of myself (pat pat on my shoulders!) and it happened that I came across a blog in which one of the posts was about finding a proper balance between updating your own blog and commenting on others'. I think I comment more or less on all the blog I follow very regularly but I do feel I'm not postin much on my own at the moment. Of course I'm not cycling, nor I have the hope of a BFP at the end of a 2ww, so I'm not sure what to blog about. This is an IF blog so shall I post about the life that is going on regardless in the background? Let me know my dear followers, what you think.

But on the IF front I started feeling ready to go again. That's brilliant. I mean, it's a brilliant feeling. And so if AF shows up on time around next weekend, I think I'll phone the clinic and speak to the Favourite Doctor and see if we can schedule a cycle for the New Year. Due to the methotrexate shot on the 16th of September, I couldn't cycle before the end of the year in anycase, but maybe I can get nice dates in January leading to February? Ideally I would want to be on the pill for the shortest time possible and assuming that the cycles are normal enough I'll propose to start the pill with the December cycle and then we'll see the clinic calendar for dates at the end of January. How's this for a plan? I haven't said anything to Mike yet, I want to make sure I'll feel the same when AF shows up!
No news on the Ectopic Support Group yet, and no news from the Adoption Board yet (I guess it shouldn't be too long now, all the documents have been evaluated by the individual units and gathered together for the approval of the Board).
Also no progress on buying a new house, so we converted our plans into trying to .... convert the attic of our exiting home! It won't be a straight forward job as we live in a duplex and have to respect apartment type "house rules" but...one step at the time and hopefully we'll get a plan approved!

HCG nearing zero!

Well well well I'm so happy to report that my HCG reading yesterday was in fact 14!! And I couldn't be happier! I also got AF visiting! Another good sign that things are in fact becoming normal. Jeez, it wasn't quick, was it? But what can I do...I am just pleased that eventually everything was sorted out. And would you believe, yesterday I actually got THE phone call from the hospital informing me of the results. So I still have to go in next week on tuesday because they want to see a <2 reading and I'm also happy with that. Hopefully it'll be the last prick for a while.
Having a great time with my sister so, again, apologies for being a bit idle at the moment! I also want to thank all my new followers, I just love having you reading my blog.

No other major news to share a part from the fact that we are considering buying a new house! Of course, I have to keep myself busy while waiting for other things to happen...