11 weeks (Italian Style!)

Hello my friends! I'm still in Italy and although I managed to read your blogs I didn't comment much (please forgive me!) and didn't post anything of my own news.

Everything is great, the trip was no bother at all for little Oliver who slept practically all the time. I was very lucky that I didn't have to bring any gear with me, car-seat, stroller, swing-chair etc were all kindly offered by my sister's friends and my parents had bought a travel-cot. I carried Oliver in my fab sling and off we went.

The first night at my parents' was a bit rough but after that he settled in like he'd always been here! The torticollis is definitely improving, we do a bit of exercise every day but it seems that he's turning the head to the left in a more natural way on his own too. Still hates tummy time and still absolutely adores bath time. I suppose you can't win everything ah! We bought here and inflatable baby tub which will double as small pool this summer, it's fantastic, I'd never seen one before and totally recommend it!

Oliver loves to splash, shake his legs, stretch and generally moves a lot when in the tub so with this one there's no risk of him hitting a hard surface with his head! It fits in the normal tub too.

The Snuza is a great peace of mind, it was one of the best thing I bought for sure. I forgot to mention that last week, when we were still in Ireland, the AngelCare did alarm one morning...it was only the first "bip" (15 seconds of no movement) after which I clearly heard Oliver taking a deep breath! So I have to remember to mention this to the paed at the 12 weeks check-up. Likely to have been a one off, but still. There are cases of sleep apnea in Mike's family, so better to keep an eye on it.

And I went to see my "old" psychologist and it went really really well. She also said that the way I feel is totally "normal" after all I have been through. It was to be expected in fact. So we started working on my anxiety and I am already much better. Interestingly, she explained how bleeding gives the impression to the body that it's dying and so there is this connection between life and death linked to Oliver's birth, even though rationally I never feared I was dying, but that Oliver could have died. It's only at the subconscious level, but as Oliver was part of me, I tend to focus at the moment more on death than life and this causes my anxiety. Time will be the best healer as the cells "forget" the scary scenario and reprogramme themselves to focus on what every organism does best which is living (and think positively about life). She recommended to keep supplementing my diet with iron (even though my heamoglobin is back to normal) to speed up the process. She actually used this phrase after I described my last 4 years "you swallowed a lot of death". Scary! But it will get better and better. I'm glad I went. I'll go again when I came back in May and meanwhile she gave me her Skype address if I need it! Ah...technology.

Mike then arrived on wednesday and we celebrated our fourth anniversary on thursday. What a journey...Three years ago we were in Japan having our belated honeymoon and it's absolutely shocking what has happened there. My friend and her family in Tokyo are ok but she said it's horrific. Japan, you can do it and will get through this. Last year on the 16th I had my life changing hysteroscopy and this year we brought our miracle to meet his great-grandmother. Life is certainly full of twists and turns.

Only 3 more days and we'll fly back to Dublin....bohoooo! Already missing the fab food...just as well I'll be back here in 6 weeks! I'm checking out now, love to you all my cyber-friends.

On track

Can you imagine? I'm actually going to blog again about my FET this time instead of kittens... (Patches is doing well, fingers crossed now! He's purring at all of you thanking for the comments and support in the last few days...for real!)

I had a new doctor this morning scanning me at the clinic, he's American and I hand't the time to check out his cv yet, but seemed very nice. My lining didn't look too good to me and my expert eyes. It was just above 6mm and the upper wall looked much thicker than the lower one. I couldn't actually see the triple pattern that I always had. But the doctor said it was absolutely fine and not to worry about it. Anyway, still no Viagra but upping the oestrogen to 4 pills from 3. After the scan, the nurse told me about the meds and I made it clear to her that I felt uneasy about increasing the oestrogen, that I wasn't sure about the lining and all I've been through made me probably a "difficult" patient...I didn't mean to be difficult though. She was very understanding and got my Favourite Doctor to come and talk to me. I was concerned that after the hysteroscopy the lower wall had not recovered. She looked at the pics from the hysteroscopy and was truly amazed at the amount of tissue that had to be removed. She was very confident my lining was of better quality and not to worry about the different thickness of the layers, it'll even out. She's going to make sure she'll do my scan on friday. She actually checked my day 6 scan from the last FET and I had a lining of 5.6, so I'm actually doing a bit better!

And then off I went to the appointment with Dr. B. He visited me and also scanned me (wohoo two scans in a day!) he was absolutely pleased with the way things looked, very optimistic that the scarring will not reform, the histological report was completely normal and he feels it was just a fluke (I still think it was caused by the D&C in 2007). He actually said he "had a good feeling about me" and to let him know in any case. Awwhh, really lovely doctor, I wonder if he follows pregnancies...you never know, I may actually be properly pregnant one day!

I rushed back to the office to set up the viva and then off to the graduation ceremony. My student did very well in his exam and we had a happy day. I'm now going home, I feel I've done very little today but I've been certainly running around a lot!

Patches third chance

Look who's home!!

The patient is back in the house! Yes, this morning the Vet (who is going to be known as the Ultimate Vet Hero) called saying that Patches was in great form and that she thought we were on the right track with the antibiotics and anti-inflammatory therapy. He is still swollen in the larynx and she thinks this is of a viral origin which may have turned in a form of autoimmune issue. We went picking him up and she showed us how to give him the new meds. We are in love with her. Thinking that we were ready to put him to sleep...let's hope he'll grow out of it soon. The therapy is going to be a long one, probably for a couple of months but we are so happy to still have him with us. Mike is totally taken by our furbaby and the fear of losing him after The Dude went missing made him understood how affectionate pets (even cats!) can be.

We now think that The Dude was just a free spirit and that he would have attempted to escape at the first occasion. It's sad that it happen when my parents were here, but I really think it would have happened in any case.

We will get a second cat. We told the Vet also in case they get any kittens in, and we will go back to the DSPCA when we get back from the holidays in June. If the Dude comes back then we'll have three cats!

And now I want to welcome the ICLW visitors, I know we are in the middle of the week and I am only putting up this post now, but I have commented on your blogs dutifully in the last couple of days!

I have a step-by-step history on my left side-bar if you want to check out all we've been through in the last three and half years. We are now in the middle of our...let's see....third FET where we have only one day-6 blast frozen (we call it a penguin), I have a scan tomorrow to check how my lining is growing and also tomorrow I'm back with Dr. B for the follow up after the hysteroscopy. I have no idea what he will do. I am not spotting or bleeding anymore, so I guess things are ok. I suppose if the lining is still thin they'll put me on Viagra (woohooo!!) but let's hope that after the removal of the scar tissue tomorrow my lining will look like a fluffy blanket!

And tomorrow my second student will have his viva....big day for him too but I have to say, with all that went on with us, I had no time to worry. My third student also submitted her PhD thesis last week and again I wasn't in the mood to celebrate at all, I'll have to make it up to them, they have worked really hard. Going to cuddle Patches for a little while!

Basal scan and Flying Ban

I had my basal scan this morning, everything looked great. I had my favourite Doctor doing the scan so I told her about the hysteroscopy and the darn spotting for the full duration of the pill!! (I'm spotting free since yesterday though, please join me in the happy dance!) She also said it was normal and she was very sorry to hear about the scarring but that it's gone now and that Dr. B is a great doctor. So I'm starting my other drugs this evening but listen to this....NO VIAGRA!! I know I know, how disappointing!! But she said that if I had scarring tissue it could have been the cause for the slow thickening of the endometrium and that I may not need it at all. Next scan is next Monday so we'll see then. I wonder if I can return the Viagra and get a refund...

On other news, do you remember my parents flew over last Wednesday to a few days with us? Well...they arrived just before the Volcano erupted in Iceland and they are now stranded here until they lift the flight ban on Irish skies. They should have gone back today but we knew on Saturday the company had grounded all flights until lunch time today (including theirs) and yesterday they extended the ban until at least next Wednesday. So, a part from the company, we have gained a permanent maid who cooks, cleans and irons! and I became a lady of leisure...

Kitten are doing well, I'm still obsessed that Patches isn't eating much but he gained 100g in the last week and seems to be quite playful. The Dude is great as usual, really sweet and big. My parents adore them.

And the last piece of news is that Mike bought a new car on Saturday! It's his first brand new car so it's all very exciting and we can't wait until it arrives in a few weeks.

Asherman's syndrome

Damn Dr. Google....

since I had the hysteroscopy and the chat afterwards with the doctor about the fact that he found what looked like scar tissue (no adhesions though, like filamentous scarring) I've of course done what everyone else would have done and started searching the net for how I could have had such a thing.

It turns out the condition has a scary name...Asherman's syndrome. This is normally connected to previous uterine surgery such as D&C after a miscarriage, polyps removal etc. In December 2007, before becoming officially an IF patient at my clinic, I had contacted a gyn here to see if he could check my tubes for patency. He said he could and that he would have performed an exploratory laparoscopy and a D&C which, he said, helped at times to "refresh" the lining and promote implantation. This sounded more than excessive to my Italian gyn (could he not simply do a HSG?) but sure I was living in Ireland, I had to go with the flow. After surgery, he told me I had mild endo and suggested medical menopause to which I said no and then contacted the clinic.

I never thought anymore about it, it had been a waste of time in my opinion but nothing more. Now I'm afraid it left me with this Asherman's gift.

I got so worried about this over yesterday and today that I will call Dr. B on monday and see if he can reassure me a bit...Nearly every Asherman's website states that the use of a laser to remove the scars is actually NOT recommended as the heat generated may worsen the situation. Of course he used laser because it's the safest option to minimise bleeding and uterine perforation, but in my case...Damn Dr. Google again.

Of course every website warns you to be weary of non-Asherman specialists to perform the surgery as they often lack the skills for a successful recovery....oh God....I have to ask him if at least he knows what it is!

Dr. B said to expect bleeding/spotting for a couple of weeks and the two weeks are up next tuesday. I had my period a week ago (I'm amazed that I could tell the difference) and I'm still spotting. I have also started the pill so that I could plan the FET and I'm now worried that in fact I should have been on oestrogen only following surgery to make sure the lining was thickening in a healthy manner. My pill is a monophasic one with oestrogen and progesterone, I hope it's ok.

Monday can't come fast enough, I have to know much more about my surgery, how extensive the scarring was (I have pics where I can see healthy tissue also and no bands, but it can be a close up) and were it was. If he thinks it's ok that I'm on the pill and the scheduled FET for May. I'll be seeing him on the 26th but I'm not clear what he will do (another hysteroscopy to check if everything healed properly? A chat and a good-luck?).

Girls, if any of you out there knows more, can you please email me or drop a message? I can't believe what I thought it was good news (yehay, I found the cause for failed uterine implantation) may turn into an even worse nightmare...

FET.Scheduled. Bring-It-On!

This morning I booked my follow-up appointment with Dr. B for the 26th of April (about 6 weeks after the hysteroscopy). It so happens that the 26th is also the day of the viva of my second PhD student so I had to make sure I was the first patient to be seen in the morning and agree with the examiner that the viva will start around 11 am.

Next I left a message for the nurse in the clinic just to inform her that I was already on the pill and hoping to get soon dates for my FET for May. I got a call back and we agreed on a tentative transfer for the 7th of May woohoo! They don't do natural FET so it'll have to be a medicated one.

Here's the schedule:

Last pill on the 12th of April (only 3 weeks!!!)

Suprefact starting on the 8th of April.

Scans: 19th, 26th (damn!) and 30th of April.

In tune with my meditation exercises I'll be living this new journey in the now and let this FET just be.

I then phoned Mike to tell him we had dates from the clinic and after the few seconds of actually understanding what I was talking about, his main question was "That's fantastic! When will you start the Viagra?" Ahh bless him!

And finally a great news today, do you remember my friend C? The one who was going also through IVF at the time of my ectopic last year? Well, after a failed cycle, she got today a BFP after a FET!! This is amazing news given that she used her own eggs and she's no spring chicken at 45!!! Well done C, please God it'll all go well for you my friend.

One final thing I did today: I emailed the Adoption Board saying that they should really amend the time-frame they give to potential adoptive parents at the preliminary meeting on when things are happening. That it was disgraceful (ok, I didn't use such a strong word, I still need them to process our damn documents!) that we were told 4-6 month to get a waiting list number and we are hitting 10 with no sign of it. We'll see if the social workers have the decency to reply. I doubt it though. And now a deep breath and....out again ..... I can't do anything about this, might just as well let it go and not let it bother me any longer.

Reasons to be optimistic

Thank you so much for being there for me all the time.

Last night a basically dragged myself to bed before 10 pm. I was wrecked. The vet had called us saying that Patches temperature was normal and that we just had to wait and see.

This morning I was better, I slept well so that's always a good medicine. Mike drove me to the clinic at 7.30, I was checked in, Mike went home and promised to let me know as soon as he had phoned the vet. The initial report was good, meaning that Mike spoke with the nurse around 8.45 and she was the same who admitted Patches yesterday, so although the vet wasn't there yet and she didn't check his temp, she thought he was a bit better than yesterday. And this was music to my ears as I walked to the theatre.

When I woke up, I was in no pain at all, but I remember the nurse giving me painkillers of various kind, so I thought to myself 'Dr. B must have found something or there would be no need of meds'. I slept for a good while, and then I noticed I had a pad which was quite stained. Another hint that something more than a general look had gone on down there. Dr. B came to talk to me just before I was sent home and he showed me pictures he took which showed a lot of scar tissue on that back wall of the uterus!! There is no explanation why I had it he said, it's like a fibroid it can just grow and definitely this would have interfered with implantation!! He removed all the scarred tissue and I'm as clean as a whistle! ehehe

Then I basically slept all day and Mike went to visit Patches at the vet. His temperature is still normal, he's eating, drinking, peeing and pooing which are all good things. Still has this gagging reflex but today he was much more alert. I suppose the fact that he's not boiling with fever helps a lot. The breathing is still a bit laboured and they think there's still fluids in the lungs. We have to wait and see of course, it's still a long road and they'll keep him in until he has fully recovered. So we are delighted and trying to be optimistic!

The Dude is becoming more and more affectionate, I suppose he has only us now so we have to be enough for him. The big step is that he jumped on Mike's lap today! So again we are hopeful that with time he'll fully settle.

Patches

Thank you all for you nice comments, I need them.

Patches this morning was not better at all, in fact he was worse. I had two separate nightmares in an almost sleepless night in which we had to put him to sleep. I was in a terrible state this morning.

I brought him in, they took him in and then they phoned us saying his temperature was very high (105.8 which didn't mean much to me until I check the conversion in °C) and that they had him on a cooling system and under oxygen. They wanted to test for FIV (feline version of HIV) and FeLV (a fatal leukemia virus) of course we gave permission and thankfully they were both negative.

The vet thinks it may be either pneumonia (best case scenario) of FIP (feline infectious peritonitis, worse case scenario, fatal). he has fluids in his lungs which makes it very difficult for him to breathe. This morning they gave Patches two different antibiotics, steroids, fluids and something to help him getting rid of the fluids in the lungs. This afternoon his temperature was down to 101.6 (apparently almost normal in cats), had a bit to eat and drink (but he has this gagging reflex, the poor thing, he manages to keep it down though), breathing was much much better and had started to purr again. I went to the vet around 12 (I was useless in work anyway) the nurse was really nice, but I couldn't see him then, she told me about the pneumonia then and said to come around 3 or 4 and I could stay with him a while. So I did. He looks so so miserable and yet he's better than this morning, can you imagine...but I know it could be just a temporary reaction to the steroids as the vet said.

I am totally wrecked, can't eat much myself, my stomach is shut and The Dude at home is looking around behind doors and corners making that trilling sound he does when he wants Patches to come and play. He peed outside the litter box, very unusual for him and clear sign of distress.

And tomorrow I'm going in for my hysteroscopy.

Back!

I'm back from the fab weekend, it was truly relaxing and I had a great time with my best friend P.

This morning Mike texted me that Patches had been a bit off form yesterday but was better today. Ok...I thought, the booster may have upset him a bit. But guys, when I arrived home Patches was again breathing with great difficulty, in through the mouth and out through a very blocked nose, very lethargic and weak. Poor Patches...obviously Mike didn't want to have me worrying during my two days in London and didn't say anything on saturday.

He has not eaten or drunk much at all since early this morning so we boiled some chicken, blended it and force fed him with a syringe a little bit but I think I'm bringing him back to the vet tomorrow...I promise I'll post more pictures very soon, I'll be home tomorrow afternoon and then tuesday (hysteroscopy day!) and wednesday (Paddy's Day and third anniversary!) so I'll definitely do it then, just a recent one now to show you how they sleep!

The next step and back to acupuncture

I was waiting to post until I had some news on when this hysteroscopy was going to happen. To cut a long story short there was some break down in communication (and faxing!) between my clinic and Dr. B who'll be performing the procedure. His secretary was really lovely and proactive though, so she dealt directly with my clinic and called me a little while ago to confirm that they now have the referral, that Dr. B will contact me later today to explain what will happen and that yes the procedure is confirmed for the 16th of March! Next tuesday!! The day before our anniversary which happens to be St. Patrick's Day and as such is holiday in Ireland! I'm planning of taking a long weekend and chill out!

Thanks so much for all your comments on my headaches and Patches. I'm glad to report that Patches is back to his normal self (better in fact!) and that The Dude, although still very very shy, doesn't run away any more if you go near him. Still we cannot pick him up, but we are confident this may change sometime in the future.

My headaches come and go, I don't have to take painkillers though which means it's really not that strong, I do sleep very well, I don't wake up with a headache but I feel I'm "blocked" in my sinus and the left ear. So I now think it's a combination of head-cold, stress from overwork, and neck stiffness! I took matter into my hands and called my acu practitioner and I'm going to see her this evening. She didn't know of my latest ectopic and my last failed ICSI and she was really really nice. I look forward to a relaxing session!

Update: Dr. B just called! So he'll perform the procedure under mild anaesthetic so that if he finds something like a polyp or scar tissue he'll be able to remove it there and then! My super long weekend just became a reality and I have the Spa on Saturday to chill out even more!

Patches drama and other updates

I haven't posted anything in almost a week, I've been so busy in work...thank God we now have two weeks break...

We had a real scare with Patches (the cuddly kitten). On tuesday night I thought he wasn't breathing properly, like he had his nosed closed and his "voice" was strange too. But he ate dinner, used the litter box, played with The Dude etc. On wednesday morning still seemed ok but by the time I came home in the evening, he was definitely sick. Breathing was much worse, he didn't eat at all (as if he couldn't) and was very lethargic. The Dude was frantic, he knew there was something wrong, he didn't even attempt to play with Patches but wanted to be near him all the time. At one point I actually thought Patches was dying. On thursday morning he was still alive but in no better shape. Mike brought the two of them to the vet and we waited for news. He seems to have a viral respiratory tract infection, no fever but swollen glands. The vet gave him an injection of antibiotic and one of anti-inflammatory for precaution and said to go back in on Monday if he didn't improve (but she was optimistic). In the evening he was already much better, had dinned, played with The Dude and come on our laps for cuddles. the breathing was also much better. This morning he was up already, eager to have his food, but he's still without voice....it breaks your heart actually, you see that he's opening his mouth to meow and no sound comes out! I am a bit more hopeful now that he will recover, the vet thinks he's been incubating this virus since before we got him from the shelter (very common occurrence, and you know it may happen, but when it does...you are already so so attached that you feel physical pain at the thought of losing the kitten). The Dude should be fine, he's a bit older and his immune-system is stronger.

Attic update: we got the official go-head from the developers and the architect will submit the planing application early next week!! Very excited about this of course!

IF update: I had contacted the doctor recommended by the clinic for the hysteroscopy to see when she could fit me in. Well, she's booked up until the middle of April!! Come on...we are talking private patient here and still is 6 weeks waiting time?? No way. I called the clinic and eventually I emailed the Super Doctor who was away this week, he emailed back suggesting someone else and all going well I should be able to get the exam done in the middle of March! That's the timeline I'm talking about!

I'm having frequent headaches which have made me paranoid that I have a brain tumour...I know I know, but some of you can understand....