2020 Round up

I thought I probably should do my best to post another update of my life before the year is over. And what a year this has been. 

We are all healthy which is the most important thing. Work-wise this year for me has been stellar, one hard to beat I'd say.

The children are doing great in school, even Oliver has settled finally and they are both fluent in Swiss German and High German which means they have zero difficulties with friends etc. I am slowly learning German, but as I don't need it in work, I am not forced to used it, so I am not progressing as fast as I should.

I started therapy again in May, I found the first lock down really tough, homeschooling the children in a language I don't speak is virtually impossible, of course as I am also working full time. I felt extremely anxious and edgy all the time, I had zero time for me and it was suffocating. I feel much better and I came through a journey of self discovery which was long overdue.

Mike started his job (just as Switzerland went into lockdown) and he is loving it, it is great for him to finally have found his path (clearly it's never too late..). But for me this year has been also the year to finally call it a day. I told Mike I want to separate. It would be a massive long post in itself to explain this part properly, but the short version is that first he didn't understand what had changed, then he seems to have accepted it. However this was September and he still has not moved out. 

After Christmas I will again bring up the conversation and I need a date when he will move out. We have not told the children yet, I thought it was best to wait till he had a plan. Of course this is not happening at any reasonable pace and I am at the end of my patience. So I am hoping for a 2021 which will bring a new light, like turning a page. Oliver will be 10 on the 1st of January, double digit... he has come such a long way with his behaviour, but some days are still very very tough... I hope that as the situation settles more, everyone will benefit.

Right, this is me, I still can't post on any blogs, I hope you are all doing well, hugs to all.

A new decade has begun

I was really hoping to write a post to wrap up 2019 but clearly it has not happened... so I'll do it here and now, at the beginning of this new decade. So many posts on facebook have appeared showing all that people went through in the last ten years...mostly families getting bigger. I suppose it was the same for me, the 2000-2009 period saw me getting married for the second time and begin the quest for a family which of course had more downs than up in that time. IVF, two ectopic pregnancies, surgeries, so so much heartache.
Then 2010-2019 has given me two children, three relocations with two job changes and life in three different countries. Significant also has been the steady decline in my relationship with my husband which I am now just accepting as the norm. Maybe this new decade will bring some changes there because I don't feel that old yet that I have to just give up on happiness (for which really there is no age anyway).

I remember my post at the beginning of 2019 was quite loaded with anxiety and expectations, it all went well for me, it has been a great year, specially on the work front. I feel with the move to Switzerland I'm living the dream. I love everything about my job, the new students, the colleagues, the unthinkable options I now have available. I also stopped thinking it was a major amount of luck that brought me here, I know it was not a gift but actually a ton of hard work with very little external help (reading: I had nobody pushing me or my career, ever) and I am very very proud of what I have achieved. The luck has been in meeting exceptionally talented young researchers that worked with me on my ideas, brought in their own, grew as scientists and developed a work ethic which is impeccable. I am so so proud of them and incredibly thankful.

2020 has for me less anxiety to start with (I'm sure I'll get my fair share soon enough), but as no major changes are planned, at least I do not have to elaborate on all possible negative scenarios.

The children are well, have settled in school and we finally are getting some attention for Oliver's behaviour which, while I can safely say it has improved, still is extremely challenging at times. On suggestion of the school, he will soon be tested for giftedness and with that also for ADD. It seems that children can show traits of ADD if giftedness is not spotted on time. If I think about the amount of times we seeks professional help and never got anywhere I feel quite defeated. In fairness the first neuropsychologist in Ireland where we went when he was not even 5, suggested to test him for high intelligence too, but that would have then implied going to special schools and we didn't do it. Here the normal public school he is attending now would have a programme for gifted children every wednesday. Let's see how that goes. He turned 9 on the first of January. He can be such a lovely child, but when he gets into his oppositional mode he is capable of saying unspeakable things which totally push my buttons and never ends well.
Martina is a lovely girly girl, so super caring and thoughtful, she suffers a lot when Oliver is in one of his tantrums, but she is very easy going and forgiving (unlike me clearly).

Mike has not yet found a job, hopefully the new year will bring something for him too, but it is very very tough of course as I would expect he at least used all his free time to engage with the children and build a relationship, but no...he is not that different with them from how his parents must have been with him and this is not working out.

Finally, I still can't seem to get my comments to any of the blogs I read... Heather if you are reading my blog still, please know I must have commented on almost all your posts but it seems that either you don't get the message that there is a new comment to approve or it is just lost in the web.

Hugs to you all and I wish you a great 2020.

Next week is the week

The semester is over. I'm wrecked. I got excellent students' feedback on my lectures which is always uplifting and makes it all worth it. But still...I had a gruelling semester because I'm condensing almost all my teaching in the autumn term. And just as well.

Next week I'll be travelling from monday to friday, visiting two cities in Italy where I'm giving a lecture and then I'll go to the dream destination for final negotiation. I am hopeless at negotiation. HOPELESS. I really would pay someone to do it for me. I'm told they want me to have the best stat there as possible but my minimum request is way above the granted offer both for equipment and personnel... let's see how far I get. In fairness, I want this job so much that I'll take anything they give me (which is a terrible negotiating position to start with).

I have started sharing the news with some closest colleagues, they were all very sad to know I'm leaving but they were also so so happy for me and the dream job (which is not just my dream job, but it's objectively a stellar opportunity). I will remain closely affiliated for at least another 2.5 years so it's not that bad. Of course, having said that, it's a mystery what will happen with this damn Brexit the UK decided to bring upon itself. What a disaster.

In other news, FIL had a major accident at home, and after a miraculous recovery, he is now left incapable of feeding (has lost his swallowing reflex) and is definitely not self-sufficient. He is also not recognising his children or anyone. Mike and his sister are looking for a nursing home in Dublin. We will go visiting just after Christmas. Let's hope this situation won't drag on too long, because that is not a life worth living. Even the doctors apologised...but they had to do their job and save him of course.

I'll update on everything next week, send positive vibes on all fronts please!

Major news!

Well well well... in my last post I mentioned about the dream job that was shortlisted for but that unless of a miracle I was just not the best candidate.
Would you believe it, last week I got an email and I immediately recognised the sender of course. I was at a very important meeting in Brussels and thought "oh crap.... I so don't want to read this now..." but then I thought "ah what the hell, I better get this over with and focus on what I have rather than on what I don't have". The email read something like this:

Dear Fran,

it's been a while. I have some good news, unofficial as of now, but better to talk on the phone, can you take a call?

I was completely blocked for the whole day and it was only 9 am!! I could not leave or take a call, it was nerve wrecking..I though Ohhhhhh shit!! This can't be happening, this can't be happening...
I texted Mike and my parents, and of course emailed back to say I could only talk in the evening.
You can imagine my level of concentration for the rest of the day.

The call was amazing. I ranked as top candidate unanimously!! So while there is a set of technical procedures, the job is mine if I want it. IF I want it?? Can I sign a contract now??

So anyway, today I spoke with my group, they were all thrilled (I can take them all with me if they want to move), and I also mentioned it to my Head of School. I know most people will just pretend nothing is happening and they will just resign when the have to. But there are several things going on in work and my HoS is a great person that deserve honesty. He was great, he knew he could not compete with such an offer, it's not just my dream job, it would be a dream job for half the academics I know...

So onwards and upwards, new adventures on the horizon!

44

All of a sudden is already my birthday. Hello my virtual friends!

I wanted to post a nice update about the house renovation with pics etc, but we are still living in a building site without a kitchen... fun times...kitchen was gone by the time we came back from holidays a month ago and we won't have it for another 2 weeks...but we are nearly there.

Children have started school back again and they are delighted (I promise I will update soon on Oliver's saga which, would you believe it, it's still dragging on).

I went for a dream job interview during the holidays but while I would sell a kidney for it, I was not the perfect match and two other candidates fit better the job description, so unless of a miracle that is gone (but the process is very long, I won't hear for while a definite no). There's another good position going that I will apply for, and I'm also going for promotion this year. Work has gone quite well, one of those years where planets align and several very ambitious things have succeeded. So I'm going for it because it was really what I should have been offered 2 years ago when I joined this new Uni. I am telling myself that if I'm again caught in the bureaucracy of a broken system (not enough budget for the School, too soon to be promoted, etc), I'm packing up and enrol into a medicine degree which is what I should always have done. But that's not without other major consequences (assuming I'm not too old already and eligible).

My feelings in general are still very troubled. I feel very conflicted with Mike (who is his usual self, great person, great with the children, but zero ambition or drive to do much at all), I feel stuck, I day dream of other lives most of the time, but at times I dream of moving back the clock to when I felt happy with what I had. I need projects and plans...I'm one of those.

Health-wise we are all doing well, I had my usual anxiety about whatever, did all my checks, all is good. Till the next bout of anxiety. I am doing much better from that point of view but when anxiety strikes it's a beast. The one who is doing worst is Carlito the cat, who has not settled much in this new neighbourhood, the other cats are giving him a hard time, and on saturday he was hit by a car...one kind neighbour took him to the vet where we found him today. He should have (one very expensive) surgery tonight, poor pet he looked miserable...but should be ok.

I read all your blogs, you that are still writing, but sometimes my messages to you don't get posted and I don't know why. Know that I'm there for you.

This and that

Hello cyber people... it's been so so long.

So I thought I'd update you (and me really...it's probably more for me, if I ever one day will read all my blog again) on how things have gone since last summer.

Researchwise, things took a better turn towards the end of the year, I got two international grants and a couple more papers which was very nice and will hopefully help moving onto the next step in the ladder. In the new year a few more things have worked out also so I feel much more appreciated and positive I can make the most of this job.

The children are well, completely settled. Martina started school last September and she loves it, they are both avid readers (at their levels of course) which we are delighted with. Oliver turned 7 in January and he is much better, still has the silliness shining through more often that we would like but what can you do, hopefully he will grow out it in another little while (then he will be a teenager soon...I'm aware we will have another set of issues...). Martina is 5 in 6 weeks... she is so much more mature though, could just be 7 and you wouldn't blink. Both of them are very sweet actually, they mostly play together nicely (which includes brother/sister fights and the like fo course). I want to post here a pic we took at Christmas, it's one of my favourites!

Other than this life at home is ticking along, I'm very sad to say that that's about the level of excitement I can report. It's been like this for a good while unfortunately. The plan would be to move to the continent but it has to be Mike making the move this time, and it's not happening. He says he really would like to move of course...since January 2017...he has not applied for a single job yet. This inertia is killing me, in all honesty....I would have found it impossible to stick around if the situation was different...but that's how it is and I am stuck, no point in hoping it will change, it won't. 

Finally, we went skiing in February and it was fabulous, oh my god...I so so love the mountains, I could happily live in a hut if this was my view from the window...I will do all I can to make it happen.

I'll try and be back a bit sooner, I want you know that I still read you all. Hugs to all.

Still low

It seems this blog has yet again taken the role of holding my sorrow...
I am not doing much better than the last time. Sometimes I think I am and then... bang! another rejection  (two would you believe it since the last time I wrote) another sign that my ship has sailed and now they are investing in younger researchers, those that probably will have a much brighter future.

I don't know how to snap out of this status, I feel the institution where I work now has lured me in, got me on the cheap, and now not really investing in me. Why would they do this I wonder? And how can I change it? And more importantly, where do I find the energy to keep smiling and act the Rachel "gracious loser face"?

I'm still here

It's been so long. The longer it went the more difficult it got to write something. Anything at all.

Children are well and settled in school/day care. It took a while for Oliver but thankfully he is now a very happy boy and his behaviour is also much improved. I love the conversations he is capable of. His latest thing is "Mamma if you die, can daddy marry someone else?" of course I say, only there is no need for me to die really if he wants to marry someone else, he just has to "unmarry" me.

Mike has finally started working in April, he is much happier and while having him at home was great for school runs etc, financially meant we could not save anything. His contract is only till february so we'll see what happens next.

I am not doing very well. Oh everything is ok thankfully, I got more active, I did the couch to 5K challenge and I'm happy to report I made it and try to run that much 3 times a week (with varying degree of success). But work and my science spark has taken a major hit. Two hits in fact in the space of a week... one big paper rejected and one grant (which was vital for mobility and future plans) also rejected at the first evaluation. And I crumbled like never before. I'm questioning why I'm doing this job at all, what value is it really adding to society etc. The thought of going back to study medicine (which was my true call) has reappeared but it's tainted by the fact that I'm probably too old to start now, and the what if I can't actually deal with the emotional side of it all in the end (which was the original reason why I didn't do it in the first place). So I have days where I really would like to do nothing at all. Yet I have people depending on me, my group of lovely and still optimistic students and post docs...and I look at them and think "what do I have to give you anymore?".

Everyone is here

Hello my friends...

Bullet points till I will find some more mojo to get back to writing!

• Where has the summer gone? Children were in Italy for 6 weeks, we joined them for the last 2 weeks and I took them back with me to Nottingham. Let me tell you, it has not been easy. No childcare to speak of, I was facing 3 weeks of juggling the children and the work on my own. Thankfully I found a summer camp on campus which I used to the last available hour for Oliver and I dragged along Martina when she didn't have her induction time in the day care (also on campus). The weather has been very kind to us, and the house with the garden, and the trampoline (bless whoever invented the trampoline) helped massively to burn energies (the children) and keep the sanity (mine).
• Mike has moved over last friday and as he is now officially in charge of the children and the house while I take a break and go to the office...no seriously, I am in owe of single moms with young children and no help who seem to manage so gracefully. Kudos to you all out there.
• Mike has no job yet but now that he is here it should be a bit easier. Meanwhile he is doing a lot of things that otherwise I would have to do. He has been great help and somehow filled his days with a number of tasks which is brilliant. 
• Oliver started his new school on tuesday. It's a brilliant school, 7 minutes walk from home and Mike collects him in the afternoon. Both enjoy so much the time together, it's fantastic to see the bond growing.
• Martina is in full time day care on campus, they have their own private woodland and she LOVES it. Every friday they will do this "Forest school", no matter the weather, where they will learn about respect for nature but also building shelters,  tracking games, camp fire cooking....I want to go to!! Its concept originates in Denmark and it sounds amazing.
• Me. I'm doing ok. Now I have a bit more balance and I managed to catch up on a few things in work. We have been quite successful recently with our research and securing grants so I am more relaxed. My lab is still not ready and the group will relocate in 3 weeks. I'm told "there is plenty of time..." I suspect we will be playing cards for a while.

I will try and be back soon, I am reading though!

Move complete

Oh why is it so difficult for me to blog these days? I love to see what you have been up to and I think it's the same for you and yet I just seem to have nothing to say.

So after Brexit here nothing has changed. We all think it will change for the worse but nobody knows when it will happen. And we all just go along as normal. But one thing did happen, Mike had an interview with a company after Brexit, they went ahead with the interview, they didn't offer him the job but said he was great and everyone felt he would have been a great fit and to please apply again. I never heard such a thing. You either fit their profile or you don't. Yet it seems they didn't hire him because they decided to stay with the skill set they already had within  the company. We will see.

I moved over the car and now the house has relocated, I have all my things (albeit in boxes!) and Mike is the one who is roaming. The children are in Italy and my parents have been minding them for almost a month. The plan was for them to stay there till the end of August by my parents had enough, so we go for two weeks and then we taken them back....or I take them back to Nottingham. Which will be interesting because I don't know exactly what I can do with them till their school/daycare start. I have booked Oliver into a summer camps here on the University grounds and Martina will start her transition into the day care also on campus. The fact that the children are coming back with me in mid August means I have to have the house in much better shape and much quicker than I thought I had to. Their room was used much as the storage room while I was sorting out the wardrobes (which had to be built and Mike built two out of three already) and now every evening I'm shifting stuff in the attic or into a different room....not fun!!

Of course after months of intense travelling, plus the move etc I came down with the worse flu in years...all last week I had very high temp and a cough. On friday I started feeling a bit better, I still have a cough and very low energy but I'm no longer homebound.

Oh and I got my first UK grant!! So I feel a little less under pressure. Lets hope I continue to do well.

Brexit

Seriously? Seriously?

Trump next?

Because everything that makes no sense at all is possible.

It's been a long time

Hello there, if you are still there. I think I have lost the groove. Very happy to read what you are writing by never seem to be properly inspired to write a post myself. I'll do a bullet point update:

• Oliver is in great form, since we met with the therapist that time back in March and she gave us a few pointers we are well on track and his behaviour is like night and day now. Of course we have the occasional moments but we manage them very well (mostly!).
• Martina had her third birthday back in April and she went today for her developmental check. She is in the 75th % for height and weight and reached all the expected milestones and some. She is very reasonable on the majority of fronts a part when it comes to wearing things. She can change 3 times a day just because she wants to try on something different. She is obsessed with pink and purple, and leggings and dresses and skirts. Don't insist on her wearing a pair of pants or jeans as this is a capital offence. 
• The move to the UK is happening, I have found a beautiful house and I have the keys as of last monday, we have tenants lined up for our house in Dublin and everything is falling nicely into place. We had a great stint of good weather which helps dramatically too! the house content will relocate the second week in July, I'm tendering at the moment for the best price. We will bring the children to Italy on the 2nd of July and they will stay there till they are ready to move to the UK in August. We will go to Italy on holidays sometime towards the end of July for a couple of weeks and we'll bring everyone back.
• Work is going very well, I have been travelling A LOT. Switzerland, Holland, Puerto Rico...I'm going to Finland and Norway next week too. I have finished almost all my recruiting for next year, still have one position to fill but hopefully soon. Work has kept me busy and distracted a lot, Mike is amazing at minding the children and I am never worried they are doing well. My mom came over to Dublin the week I went to Puerto Rico to help a bit so that was great.
• Mike and I have started couple therapy and I think it is helping. I have been positively surprised by the fact that Mike seems to be putting a lot of effort in, also for himself and see if he can overcome some emotional hurdles he clearly has and that clash completely with my needs. Lets give it some more time.

How have you all been?

The land of Robin Hood

Well, it's week two, my second trip over and I love it. I love the little apartment I have and I love the area I am in. The first impression is how clean the city is. Separate recycling facilities at every corner, this is amazing! And the city is very small, I'd say about the size of one of the towns in the suburbs of Dublin, so everything is very near and commuting is super easy. From where I live at the moment to the University I have 5 stops on the tram line...like 10 minutes top, and for £1.70!! And the tram line is just outside the door. Traffic is clearly a fraction of what I would call "traffic" in Dublin...here it's about as busy as it is in Dublin at weekends or school holidays.

My plan is to get a bike hopefully next week and use that one instead of the tram. And the university has secure bike storage areas one can access only with the staff card. Amazing. I will have to look for a more permanent accommodation of course and now I have a much better idea what we can get and where. Despite the fact that I'm not in the city centre, very near me there is a 24h very large convenience store I can walk to (or one tram top). It feels very very safe and friendly too. Evenings are very quiet, maybe it will be more lively as the days stretch more, not that we ever went out that much of course but still one may want to at some point.

The children don't like my travelling much and neither do I. Specially the way Oliver has acted out recently (we have an appointment with a child psychologist on the 3rd of March). We had another very bad episode last staurday, full blown violent tantrum which he just could not control. And then he was a model child the day after. Go figure. I talked to the mother of one of his school friends, mostly I wanted to see if the friend would say something about Oliver's behaviour in school, and she told me they are going through exactly the same with her son...violent tantrums he never had before, zero listening, extremely bad behaviour when they are outside etc. We can't understand what's happening, they also were thinking of getting some external advice. We now wonder if it's something in school. There is a boy who is very physical and often sits on the "thinking chair" and apparently is really disobedient to the teacher also. We will have a parents-teacher meeting next week I think so we will ask.

And that's all for now my friends, I am doing well otherwise, anxiety settled completely, with Mike things are ok, I think he understand more the situation, I love my independence and freedom but I always look forward to going back home. Let's see how it goes once we all move here.

How to be a Brit

It's nearly time. On monday I'm starting in the UK. And for the last 10 days or so my anxiety is back. Ah I was doing so well... but no obviously not. Just give me something to look forward to, some target, something to develop and the anxiety just seem to come associated.

I started having this back pain which moved to the left side and comes around the upper part of the stomach...I know I know it has the classic signs of stress and all, but what can I tell you...

Things with Mike seem to have stabilised, I do my things he does his. On wednesday, our of the blue, he took me out for dinner. First time in 13 years I think. It was a lovely evening, the conversation was very normal. But it's as if I am now living in my head, with my own real life somewhere else and my actual real life is some sort of intrusion. Science is going very well, my group is really delivering and in particular a collaborative project is amazing. I brought a student with me to Switzerland (where the collaborator is based) and we got a day on the slopes too. I so so love skiing, it was just one of those perfect days. Made me realise how much I actually miss the continent, the possibility of just hopping on the car and go to the Alps for a day. Maybe one day...

As for the UK. I thought I was just looking forward to starting, it will be really intense at least until the summer when the family moves over too, I'm flying out every monday morning at 8 am and back every wednesday night with a 9pm flight. I'm not even sure they will like this much at all in the new place, but there's no way I can stay without seeing the children for 5 days a week. Plus I'm teaching in Dublin thursday and friday and I still have my group here. But I also don't have any commitments till the autumn semester, I will just write papers and grant proposals. Can really do this anywhere.
I have an Airb&b sorted at least till I find a house, and it will save me a good bit of money as I will only pay for the day I'm using it. My office over there should also be sorted, at least I hope so.

Oliver has had a couple of really bad days. Days where I think I want to have him assessed. Today he got to the point of actually hitting me. I really don't think it's normal. And what makes him escalate is nothing. Literally nothing. And he would make a scene like he is possessed. Nothing calms him and even if you give in to whatever it is he wants that very second, 10 minutes later there is another more pressing request. Today we went from water (no problem) to juice (no there is no juice, I'm sorry) to ice-cream, to electric toothbrush, vitamins, cake, nuts, marshmallows. In the space of 2 hours. 2 hours. We were out shopping and what seemed to work was to let him take what he wanted (vitamins) only to trade it in if he then wanted something different. We went home with a bag of nuts.  And it started this morning just out of bed. We don't know what to do. And this adds to my anxiety. Any suggestions is welcomed.

Martina thank god is the sweetest child. I don't even know how she is not influenced (though at times she is) and is just very very reasonable, and fun to be around. Let's hope it will last forever.

Back in Dublin

I of course didn't post in ages and thought I could not have zero entries in the month of August!

We returned to Dublin last tuesday, left California on Monday and I have to say the flight went very well, the children slept for about 5 hours (out of the 9.5 hours journey) and very quickly adjusted to the new time zone.
Our last few weeks in California were fabulous, Tahoe was great and while I suffered from altitude sickness (did not realise at all it was so high), I truly enjoyed it. Work concluded also very well and successfully. My trip to the East Coast was fantastic, I got to appreciate how much warmer a city feels if it's humid. Made lots of connections in Boston which I hope will be productive. Mike and the children coped very well in my week away, in fact I am convinced they are much calmer when I'm not around...should go away more often!

The big news is that Oliver has started school last thursday, my big boy! He seems to love it and we are very grateful for the cultural variety we have in his class, unfortunately this is not yet a common aspects of many schools in Ireland. We'll see how it progresses but so far so good.

Martina is also doing very well, I have sold most of my cloth nappies which I found quite emotional...but it's so good they can get more use and love. We will remove the sides from her cot today, and it seems we could do without the gates at the stairs too.

And my move to Nottingham is official among colleagues and students alike, they were all very very nice and while genuinely sad I am leaving, they saw what a great opportunity this will be for me. I managed to get the best deal with my current institution so I will retain an adjunct professorship for a few years at least and a minimal contract till the end of the summer 2016.

I look forward to moving now, a few things have happened that have really shaken me. Things I thought would never change, did...there may be more changes ahead too.

It's official!

Right. It's a done deal. I have not officially signed the contract but I have informed my Head of School and many of my colleagues and friends. Mike had told his friends and we have started looking at locations to move! Very very exciting! I actually need this "task" not to be too sad about leaving friends I've shared the happiest and saddest times of the last 10 years. Hopefully we will stay in touch and more.

We are going to lake Tahoe on saturday for a week, it will be great to be away and regroup as a family, I feel I have been so distracted, nearly as if I've been living on some other planet.

The next step of the negotiation

Well well well, they cam back with a much more appropriate offer and I am now much more enthusiastic. In fact I have almost accepted it, just checking minor details. So it looks like we will be moving over to the UK!

I still have to sort out the situation at my current university. My plan was to talk to my colleagues/friends in person, as I got back, before rumours started. Same for my research group, I have funds to bring them all with me but it may still be a hard decision for some of them. I also ideally would like to keep some affiliation with such university, mostly because I have quite a bit of funding that are not transferrable but perhaps I can use them in Ireland for a while. So I talked to a senior colleague, who I have always considered my mentor and while he is sad I'm leaving he gave me his blessing. However something quite unpleasant happened and it seems the fact that I may be leaving has already been used politically to change some dynamics within the School. That pissed me off no end as I still have to go back and be there for a few months and the thought of finding a hostile environment makes me sick to my stomach. So I have started to inform my group already, have to do it via Skype and in bits and pieces as they are in different places. And the friends...may actually find out before I can say anything directly to them. The stress of it all has brought back my beloved headaches...

Anyway.

One more month in Davis and this summer has just flown by. We love it here so much, the children have developed a fantastic bond, Martina toilet trained and has been sleeping in a normal bed since we arrived with only a few falls and overall it has been a great working eperience. Who knows maybe we can do it again soon!

The negotiating part

On monday I got an email from the Head of School in Nottingham with an informal offer...HR wants us to agree before they make me an official offer. This already sounds like they don't want to chance me getting a counter offer from my current university.

The offer was shit. Like borderline offensive actually. The salary was lower (a lot) than my current salary, they proposed a start up package which was less than what I got in 2006 when I got my first academic job. Insane. I was so so furious. This was not serious at all, already I was considering a lower academic grade than what I had applied for, the least I was expecting was an offer at the top of the scale, personnel and equipment. So after a long consideration I wrote a very long email back expressing all my disappointment and saying that at this conditions I just could not see the benefit of moving. I got an email very soon after saying there was some room to improve the offer but not much.

I practically gave up. I am not sure they can meet my minimum requirements (which are non negotiable) and if we are just talking about them with no additional benefit I am not sure it is worth at all. So here I am waiting but not really feeling great about this. The more time passed the more I'm actually pissed off with the whole process. Yes, yes it is an experience, I know. But to decide after the interview that my cv (my cv! Not my performance, not my research) was a bit too junior sounds like bs. Surely they knew my cv backwards by the time I got to be interviewed. My conclusion is that they want me cheap and I'm not willing to move without benefits for my career. I am not that desperate, I have tenure in my University, I have a very well oiled group that runs smoothly even if I'm at the other side of the world, no way I'm starting from scratch. The UK university is probably better than mine, but it's not Harvard. Worst case I'll stay put and keep looking.

Soooo it seems like I got a job offer!

The two-week wait felt exactly (and I mean EXACTLY) like those 2ww. Some days I was feeling good, some not so much, kept checking emails and the Irish phone for news at all hours (mostly from 4 am to 9am), reviewed a gazillion times how it all went etc. By wednesday evening of week 2 California time I had totally given up. Imagine I also had a dream it went well, but that was in the first week when we all know we feel much more positive.

Then when I was resigned I would not get good news I got an email from the Head of School in the UK institution asking if we could skype the following morning. Mhh sure, can you please tell me where I stand? And waiting a full day?? (It was about 10am California time and he asked if we could skype 7am California time the day after). So I asked for some light and he said it was a bit complicated and we could talk now if I was free. Of course I was and I felt like I had just peed on a stick...

The situation is this: the position I had been invited to apply for was a full prof, top of the rank etc for which I never thought I was really suitable (my cv is still a bit too young, that is a role one gets later in the academic career, it has a lot of responsibility etc), but sure if they thought I was why not giving it a shot. The interview panel saw in me all the potential, thought I was a great fit but perhaps a bit too junior for a full prof position. Right...so?? So he said, they still want me and would I consider joining the School at Associate Prof level? With a career plan for promotion to Full Prof?

ABSOLUTELY YES!!

Of course I didn't say that, I said if the package was good, if I could get in somewhere higher in the scale etc I'd be happy to consider it. So he was delighted, I was hiding my happiness as best I could, but they are giving up the full prof level to have me (they could have re-advertised and hope for more appropriate level candidates and not hire anyone) and it feel really good to know they want me. Also this level is much more my level and I know now I can negotiate well as I feel much stronger in what I can ask for.

Mike is happy, worried but happy. Made some (joke) comments on how he would have preferred to be married to a full prof (I answered he can marry one anytime he wants) and would my title still be Prof (yes...you'd think he is a farmer and not in academia at all). So we'll see how things go between us, I appreciate all the comments, I just feel we are in such a routine, things work well, we have good arrangements etc but the spark is totally gone. I could not be bothered planning things and sharing them as we have are not on the same wavelength. I asked him what was his main worry and he is worried about his job...which has no career plan, no promotion and no project! So really, he could be stacking shelves and be as much as satisfied. But I can't be the one suggesting what he can do when we move, he has to find it himself.

On a different note Martina one day last week said she was done with the nappies, wanted to put on Oliver underpants and never had an accident since! We bought her underpants, which she loves, and she is dry at nights too (but we do put on a nappy just in case). Will have to sell all my beloved cloth nappies once I'm back in Dublin, bohooo...

Out of the Country and back in again

Oh dear, it really has been this long already! Thank you to my dear friend Valery for checking in, I thought I might do a quick update.
So the first month here in Davis has been productive, I have submitted a major grant proposal, a revised version of a paper and did all my training. Ordered some material we needed to start actually doing something in the lab and prepared for the interview.

Yes the interview. I flew out on monday, landed in Dublin on tuesday at lunch time, flew to the UK on thursday morning early, back to Dublin late on friday night and back to San Francisco on Saturday morning. Let me tell you it was intense. What did I get out of it all? (a part from a uti which started coming on 2 hours on the plane ride back to SFO...) I will know by the end of next week. I thought it went well, but it may be just another Fulbright fiasco, I did my best, not necessarily I get the job. It was a great experience and it will be a fabulous opportunity if it comes through. I promise I will keep you posted.

Mike and I are more apart than ever. Yes we are very civil, we have our routine, we have sex, etc, but we don't talk. I actually don't feel like talking much at all to him, I rather talk to friends and colleagues. To be honest this has always been the case, even during the treatments, if you are bothered to check out old posts, I was very much dealing with it all by myself. Only now it seems so much more obvious and so much harder to accept. I knew I always compromised on the emotional aspect and mental connection of our relationship, I thought after all nobody is perfect. Just now the fact that he seems to be the only one not knowing what to say if I am worried or need reassurance about the interview etc, is unbearable. The trip away was great to get some space. I was very happy to come back and see the children but with him I am feeling very much I am playing a part. I will give it some time, we have had lots going on, maybe it's just that.