The reason why

I had a very long day yesterday, we had an event in college which I had to attend and I was on my feet for hours. I went to the toilet and had a gush of blood. Oh for God's sake... couldn't leave, had to wait for about an hour till the event was over. I went to the toilet another couple of times and no more blood. 

When I finally got home at about 9pm I had made up my mind that I was going to get checked out. This was no longer spotting. Of course I also used the doppler to see if Phoenix was still with us and thankfully I found very quickly a nice HB. Mike called me a taxi and off I went. I suppose this is one of those situations when not having any support is a bit of a problem, but we managed. I got to the hospital just after 10, the taxi driver was a lovely man with 5 children of his own and was very reassuring. I checked in and was told it was going to be about an hour as there were a few people ahead of me. Ah well, that's no biggie (read: I know the baby is alive!). But I was actually seen at about 1.30 am!! The doctor on the floor was called twice for two emergency c-sections...anyway, she was lovely, gave a scan which showed a healthy sleeping Phoenix with a perfect HB and nothing wrong at all, no SCH, no bleeding, nice placenta etc. She then suggested to have a look at the cervix to see if there was something obvious (my paranoia was of course that all the coughing had shortened the cervix, causing the bleeding), and there was!! It is called ectropion and it's a common occurrence in pregnancy. Practically a bit of the uterine lining start covering the cervical canal and appears through the cervix. This easily bleeds. Totally benign and nothing to worry about. I want to thank my ciber friend Gen who kept me company via Whatsapp during the wait and got me thinking I also wanted to eat fish! I got home and in bed at 3.45 am. Needless to say when the alarm went off before 7 I thought I had just closed my eyes...so today and tomorrow I'm taking it easy!

13w2d, awful cough and welcome back spotting (not!)

It must be over two weeks I have this awful cough. It doesn't bother me at night at all, and mostly not during the day, but I get these fits mid morning which are terrible! It's chesty and scratchy and unmaskable. I obviously forgot to tell the OB last monday, so I never took anything. But last tuesday I decided to the to a chemist which was handy (not my usual one) and the guy says that a particular syrup which I had at home was suitable for pregnancy. So off I went and since tuesday I started taking this med once a day (not 3). Till on friday I decided to consult Dr. Google to see if it was true. It wasn't. Panic. Ok, I started saying to myself that I didn't take that much after all and that I'll just kill that pharmacist who obviously doesn't know his job. On saturday I called my chemist and asked her opinion. She would not have recommended it. So I went back to the moron-chemist and after a brief intro to make sure he remembered me from last tuesday, I asked him if he was sure about the safety of carbocisteine (the active molecule in the drug) in pregnancy, because my doctor (Google) told me to stop it immediately. he was adamant it was safe, but of course to stop it if I was told so, he even checked a book which apparently confirmed his opinion. Anyway, I can't undo what I have done and just have to hope for the best. Since last thursday we have been able to pick up the HB on the home doppler, and it was still there on saturday which was quite reassuring.
I don't know if it's the cough or what by my spotting is back. He comes visiting about once a week since last week, not much at all, mostly brown streaks in between the usual mucus or just a brown tinge. I'm starting thinking it's my cervix and that's it. Annoying though, VERY annoying. Mostly because yo don't know if it's going to stay like that or become a full flow at some point. I just have to hope for the best.

In other news, I have been awarded among other 30 bloggers for a fertility advice award! Apparently I'm an authority in the field!

Ah the dreams...

Surely this must be yet again another normal thing. Dreaming to bleed and spot one night and dreaming a full on miscarriage a couple of nights later. And oh my God the details are gruesome! I'll spare you my readers.

I remember I had a similar dream when pregnant with Oliver but nothing really happened (I did have one episode of odd spotting at 8 weeks). With this pregnancy, while I am definitely much more zen, the spotting does happen and does bother me. Now I'm tracking it when it happens. It seems to be about once a week, or let me say better, it was a week since it had happened last. Yesterday evening, another tinge in the TP. I'm talking always brown for now and just one streak in the otherwise normal mucus. So I try not to worry, but of course the trips to the loo carry some anxiety. Add the dreams and you have created an obsessive compulsive toilet paper checker.
Again I know very well that I can't do anything one way or another, I'm just willing the time to pass quickly till tuesday for the proper viability scan. Early miscarriages are common of course and very often due to some genetic issue of the embryo, so should this happen I would think it's Nature doing its job. Now...shall I really wish to add yet another drama to our family making? Hell no! But it can still happen and I need to be prepared. Not thinking it will happen, but just ready in case it does.

And you know, I want to end on a good thing, my perky boobs are back! Hello girls! Where have you been? Hopefully we'll be given the all clear for some action, my mood is definitely right!

Milestone three: 28 weeks. A trip to L&D and moving out!

These past few days have been full of excitement. Our stroller system and Stokke Sleepi combo arrived on Thursday and we love it!! We only assembled the stroller as it's neater to keep the cot in the box with all the works that will be going on. Here's what it looks like (and don't look at the mess around the place, we are packing!! The Dude is also very interested....)

Then, I woke up on Saturday feeling very dizzy. Never happened during the pregnancy but I did suffer of this occasionally in the past. Not sure what it is, sounds like vertigo of course, but it solves itself in a couple of days max. Anyway, we are packing and moving things around the house as our Attic project will start tomorrow and we are moving out today. I couldn't do much at all but Mike is just brilliant. In the afternoon after coming back from shopping I went to the bathroom and found my knickers were stained. Damn. Not much of course, and light in colour. But still. And I had been dizzy all day. So I remember the ultrasound tech said it could happen, to stay calm and get checked out. This is the conversation between me and Mike that took place.

Me: "Mike, I'm spotting a bit"

Mike: "Oh...I think it's ok"

Me: "... I want to go to the Maternity Hospital just in case"

Mike: "Do you want to give them a call?"

Me: "No! I WANT to go there"

Mike: "Ok so"

Jeez.

And off we went. I could feel Elvis moving, so I knew he was ok, I was thinking mostly it could be my mucous plug and kept repeating to myself we are 28 weeks already, it's going to be ok even if Elvis will arrive early. I had no contractions, but then you know the way your mind play games so I started feeling tightening in my back but nothing major.

When we checked in, I told the receptionist I was 28 weeks, with low placenta and mild spotting. She made a quick phone call and said to us "Ok, better not go to casualties, we go directly to the Delivery ward" both Mike and I nearly passed out!! She quickly explained that it was just a precaution and that they had all the equipment up there to check me out properly.

All was well, Elvis HB was checked by a midwife (140bpm), my blood pressure was a bit low (100/60) but there was no reason of real concern. The doctor came along (incidentally the same doctor that admitted me with the ectopic last year..) and gave me a scan which showed that the majority of the placenta is now high and I only have a little "tale" which is still low. No sign of detachment, plenty of fluid and Evis moving around. He didn't do an internal and said minor spotting can be perfectly normal but to go back if I had bleeding of course. While I was getting dressed we heard from the room next to us a baby crying and lots of cheers and the words "We are having a boy!!" Oh my God, I really think Elvis is a boy now!! Interestingly we heard no screaming beforehand, only a baby heartbeat being monitored. If that's the way it's going to be it doesn't sound too bad at all!

Right so, back home we went.

And today is really 28 weeks! No weight gain and nothing much to report. Sleeping is still on and off and I'm getting a bit more tired. Eating well and drinking plenty of fluids. Thanks to all of you for the reassurance on the movements, I'm definitely more relaxed now (and considering this is going to be an even week my positivity should spike!). I have a dense week ahead, teaching, talking at a conference on thursday, meetings of all sorts...it should go by quite quickly (I hope!). Checking out for now, we are taking pics of the attic as is now and we'll do so as the works go on, can't wait to have it finished!!

11 weeks and totally addicted...

I haven't posted in week and the true reason is that I'm completely addicted to Grey's Anatomy. So I watch as many episodes as I can per day!! I've started the fourth season now, and at this pace I think I'll be finished in 10 days or so! But I've kept up with your news and commented so I don't feel too bad...

Today I'm 11 weeks along. Yesterday I had a very very light brown spotting a couple of times after going to the loo. One possible reason is that I had an orgasm while I was napping in the afternoon!!! It came along all on its own!...we haven't had any action since ET so I think maybe I had some bottled up mojo...Anyway, I nearly felt guilty and then the bit of spotting...it freak me out no end. Can that be the reason though? No pain and no cramps. I'm booked in for a scan on Tuesday but if I spot some more today I think I'll go in tomorrow. Or I wonder if it could be due to the fact that the body is readjusting to stopping the PIO last Sunday, I think it usually took me 5-6 days after a failed cycle to get AF once I stopped the meds. I'll ask the doctor when I go in.

Mike is away this weekend with his friends, but my sister is here since Wednesday so I'm not alone! We are having a great time together which is always nice.

On the dream front things have calmed down and thank you all so much for the reassuring comments! It always help to know it happens to others! My dreams are still vivid but not horrible anymore, so I'm ok with that....a part from the erotic ones now...

This week is the last week of all the meds, I'll start diminishing the steroids from tomorrow so that I'll be taking only 5mg next Sunday, while everything else will stop on Sunday. I've read many blogs where this create some sort of anxiety and I'm no different! But I suppose this is just another step forward.

A trip to the ER in the end

All was fine yesterday until Mike came home. I had no spotting, I had rested in bed and then on the couch, I had a bit to eat and watched the match.

Then I went to the loo again and the spotting was back. A good bit more, not dripping, but definitely a lot in the paper. And the colour was definitely off. Not brown and not red, kind of purple. And the consistency. I was sure it was over.

Me: "Mike, I'm bleeding now, I want to go to the hospital, I need to know if Elvis is still alive"

Mike: "Maybe we can wait until tomorrow and go to the clinic" (Men!)

Me: "I don't think I'll be able to sleep at all"

Mike: "Let's go then"

The ER of the maternity hospital was empty, I got checked in and the midwife took my vitals. I got to use the loo again to give a urine sample. No more blood. The midwife was lovely and reassuring, the fact that I had no pain or cramps was a good sign. The doctor on call was busy with a C-section but she was going to be with me in minutes. I was so tired at that point that I think I actually slept for a few minutes.

Dr. Z. came down and she brought me to the u/s room straight away. She was going to do an external u/s which took me by surprise, I didn't think you could see much at 8 weeks, but she was confident we would. And we did. The gestational sac was immediately visible and to our eyes much bigger than last Thursday. And Elvis was there too, also bigger than last Thursday. But I couldn't make out if there was a heartbeat at all. And then Dr. Z. pointed it out to us "There it is!" Oh my God, thank you so much. I actually hugged her sobbing. What a relief. She didn't take any measurements, this was just to reassure us that we still had a viable pregnancy. I couldn't see any sign of obvious bleeding around the sac so I asked her where could I be bleeding from. She said they still don't know for sure what the cause of bleeding around 8 weeks may be, but that all the research points towards the fact that it may be caused by the placenta embedding in the uterus. That made perfect sense. She said everything looked as it should be, and that unless the bleeding worsen or I start cramping there is no reason for concern at the moment. I had no more bleeding. Thinking about it now, it was very very little in any case, but I'm glad I went.

Just a little bit of spotting to ease my mind

This morning I found the waxy progesterone a bit tinted. No cramping, no pain of any kind. But still... Can I have a damn break here please? It was totally minor, barely a pale hint of light brown and I know it's because I'm obsessively looking that I saw it. But I did. Nothing since.

So I've just turned 8 weeks, it could be it. My symptoms are all there and getting stronger so that's somewhat reassuring. I'm debating whether to call the clinic and get in a quick scan or sit tight. Mike thinks it wasn't really much at all and we should wait and see.

I know that there's nothing we can do anyway if things have turned for the worse. So much for my positive attitude of yesterday and enjoying the pregnancy... at least I haven't put up a ticker yet (although yesterday I was looking at a few...). Sure I know it's very common to spot in the first trimester, somehow I hoped it wouldn't happen. I'll keep you posted.

***Update*** I called the clinic eventually, spoke with one of the best nurses, she confirmed that it is very normal (90% IVF pregnancies bleed), can be the progesterone irritating the cervix after such a long use, it can be a tiny blood vessel in the uterus bursting as it gets bigger, the fact that I have no cramps and pain and that it seems to have been a once off episode doesn't worry her at all. Of course if it reoccurs, worsen or changes to call again. She also rechecked my dates and I am 8w1d today! Right so, try to relax now, I had no more spotting and I have used the loo plenty, only 10 days until the next ultrasound!

Meds collected

Yesterday I went to the chemist and collected my meds. Due to the fact that Viagra is only allowed on prescriptions for erectile dysfunction (which...strangely...I don't have!) the bill was eye-watering...

Anyway, I have now all my blue pills, the steroids, the clexane, the oestrogen, the aspirins and all the needles and alcohol swabs. And I can't get over the idea that I may be stuffing myself with all this drugs (yet again) for only one penguin which may not survive the thaw. If I had a choice, and if the clinic would have given me the option of going natural even if they say the chances of getting pregnant on a natural FET are lower than on a medicated cycle, I definitely would have gone with no drugs. The gamble here is way too risky. I only have one day-6 blast for which I'm getting ready with the full army of hormones as if I had more.

I wonder if once again I'll fall in the less likely portion of the statistics: one embryo that WILL survive the thaw and a NORMAL PREGNANCY with just one to transfer...can you imagine?

On the other hand I'm still spotting. Including AF is now almost 3 weeks...it's not much at all, but enough to wear a panty-liner every day. It's frustrating to say the least. I'm sure it's the pill but at least I'm only 8 days from the last one. Hopefully it'll all be normal at the first scan on the 19th.

On the 8th I'll start the Suprefact and I better remember to drink like a fish to avoid headaches.

Patches and The Dude are doing very well, it's as if they've always been with us! They are a constant source of love, cuddle, and entertainment...they've grown quite a lot and we track their weight on the Wii Fit! Here some more recent pics!

6 weeks

I think it's like a jinx. As soon as I say the spotting is over, there it comes again. Last night I had an "episode". In fairness it was only one spot on the knickers and it looked old and not threatening. Nothing since. But I was so so down. I started telling Mike and my mam that this looks exactly like the last time, spotting on and off, and then the pain will come in a few days and it'll be another ectopic. Mam kept saying not to be silly, that the HCG are so much higher, that they did see a gestational sac and that all these may be completely normal. Mike shows the same confidence.

Don't get me wrong, I would go to the Moon and back as a punishment for being so negative should I be wrong. I so hope I'm wrong and tell everyone around me two million times "you told me so".

My dreams that usually somewhat meaningful are peaceful these days, even last night. So maybe there is a part of me who is a little more optimistic. Waiting is strange. I don't want to do more HCG tests, I don't want to go in for an early scan, I don't want to not be pregnant anymore and so I wait.

Mam went back today but she would have stayed longer. I have to text her mornings and evenings with an update. Meanwhile I rest as much as possible. Yesterday we went for a long walk and mam felt so guilty thinking that maybe that brought the spotting along. But we went in the morning and I had nothing at all until 9 in the evening, this is why I think it had nothing to do with it.

Anyway, it's only a matter of days and we'll get through this, I know.

Hanging in there

Well, I don't have much of an update but I really wanted to tell you that all your comments are keeping me sane. The bleeding/spotting has completely stopped since monday afternoon (I bleed a bit after the scans) and in fact now I have completely clear mucus which I believe is normal. No pain on the right side which is good. Some twinges but no cramps. Of course I know this means nothing until we have a proper ultrasound but still...

I didn't go back to the hospital yesterday, couldn't be bothered even phoning in my beta as of monday. One girl that posts on the board I post too told me that the same hospital screwed up her daughter bloodtest too and that nearly brought tears to my eyes!! Maybe maybe they did screw them up.
Reading around (as you can imagine I've done this nearly 24/7!) there is also the possibility that I did miscarry one of the embryos. This, assuming no lab error was made, would fit well with the HCG odd behaviour and the fact that they did indeed pick up again on monday. We'll just have to wait and see. Yesterday to be honest I wasn't feeling positive at all, started wrecking my head with all the possible scenarios of discrepancies between values and the fact that I don't have one from the clinic for friday is my main worry (like...what if the lab result from the clinic on friday would have been indeed in the 3000 range...) but then I know there is no point. I have taken a few days off work, basically I think I'll go back next monday if everything is well, this is too important to be underestimated. Mam will go back tomorrow and she was a fantastic help.
I have gone out of the house yesterday and today for nice walks, and it didn't seem to bring bleeding along. The Favourite Doctor actually said there is not much point in staying in bed really. So that's the news for today, thanks to all of you and big hugs.

5 weeks

Today I'm entering the fifth week.

And last night I had some pink spotting. Needless to say I was petrified. But again I had absolutely no pain, no cramps. I convinced myself that the funny movement I did on the couch an hour earlier after the PIO shot might have broken a capillary on the cervix. The colour was very light, I am desperately trying to rememeber how it happen with the ectopic, but I am quite sure that I had sharp pain and quite dark spotting. This time gave me the impression of being really superficial rathen than deep. Having said that, and despite all the reassuring thoughts I tried to have, I slept quite badly, I had two nightmares but when I woke up after each of them and went to the loo there was no blood at all. Nore there is this morning. Still have no pain, so that's reassuring. Thinking of the hospital appointment though, a scan at 7 weeks is never going to be useful for me as I never got that far the first time. I called again this morning to see if I could do it earlier, but nope, they won't see you before unless you have problems. They let me talk to a midwife though so I explained all my history and told her about the bleeding of last night and she was totally confident that there is no problem, but to go straight in if I have pains of some kind.
Probably a bit more reassuring was the nausea this morning, really strong after breakfast I had to lie down for a bit, I woudn't know what to do if I get sick, do I have to take again my morning pills?
Today I'll be on the look out for more blood, but thank God I've had nothing at all, just microscopic light brown residues (possibly confirming a superficial lesion).
I was half thinking of going back to the clinic to see if they would scan me today, but by this morning I was definitely calmer and didn't go. Anyway, the weekend is near and I'll take it very easy, hoping that this Flashes (or a single one) will stick around.

Dreams

Your comments were so encouraging, I actually felt much better. Thank you all for being so kind and supporting, I know it seems like I'm worrying too much, but with the previous experience it's really not easy to just relax and enjoy. Spotting is gone for the moment in any case.

Beta is tomorrow and I just want to believe it'll be ok.

Yesterday I called the clinic, the after hours number as they are not open at weekends. First of all it was my official testing day so I thought, what the hell, might as well see what they think about the spotting...but..I got connected to the doctor that did my blood test on friday! So all my plans went a bit out the window! I told her I repeated the test and that it looked stronger, but that the spotting was really doing my head in...that I never spotted before and could it be the progesterone not enough? She actually said that I may be spotting for the very good reason that THIS time I am pregnant "properly"! Lovely isn't she? Absolutely my favourite doctor! Because I have tons of PIO at home that I could feed an army, I suggested to go back and use them, she agreed and so my current therapy has changed to cyclo.gest 400 twice a day (morning and afternoon) and PIO in the evening. Last night we did the first one and of course I didn't quite remember that they are not that fun! But sure it'll be worth it, I hope!
I do feel very tired and I think some other symptom is kicking in...like a very acute sense of smell!

Finally, I had such a sweet dream last night I thought I'll share it. I dreamt of a very very small baby (apparently the son of a very old friend of mine who I haven't seen in years and as far as I know has no children at all) who was giving me small kisses on the nose! And in the dream I was saying to this friend that I was pregnant and that I would hope my child would be just as cute. Sure, dreams may mean nothing but when they are bad you do wake up with an odd feeling, this one was a good one, let's hope it does mean something!

Another scare

So after all my positive thinking and good hope etc. last night I got another awful scare.

We went to the party and I talked openly to C. the hosting girlfriend who's also an intensive care nurse and a lovely lovely person. I told her we were doing IVF at the moment and that I wouldn't have had anything to drink, and possibly I would have gone for a bit of a rest around 10 pm. She said "we are doing it too in September!". And there she was, another fellow IF in disguise! We had a lovely chat of course, and she gave me a room, so I told her I actually did get a BFP on friday. She was beside herself with happyness for us, I told her about the spotting and of course, like you all, she said it can happen and not to read to much into it.

Anyway, it was a lovely evening until I went to the loo. Blood. Not on the toilet- paper, on the knickers. I didn't even feel it. Again not much, but plenty to depress me completely and put me in the mood to go to bed at that very moment. I put in the progesterone, told Mike, we had a bit to eat and then excused ourselves and went to the B&B. C and S (the husband) were of course very understanding, didn't make a fuss of it at all.

Sleeping patter was at its worst, but didn't manage to calm down much. We drove home this morning, Mike is going to the mach in the afternoon. Again the spotting seems to be over now, but I decided to test again to see if our little line of hope was fading away. Today would have been the official testing day according to the clinc instructions.

The line isn't fading, it's getting stronger, now it's basically the same intensity as the control, if that means anything at all.

Now, I don't know if I'll be able to relax until tuesday, but maybe if it was a chemical pregnancy the line would have faded by now...I'll take it easy for the day and hope for the best. Love to all.

The marvel of a good night sleep

Thank you all so much for the kind messages and encouragement, big virtual hugs to all of you in return!

Yesterday I went home from work early in the afternoon, I was shattered, the emotions, the beta news, the "reading everything possible about beta values" really took their toll! I fell asleep at around 10.30 I'd say and even if I woke up as usual I din't have bad feelings or worries..I've been happily staying in bed with my eyes closed and a tentative smile on my face.
I also stopped the crin.one and went back to the cyclo.gest which made me feel better instantly. The spotting has practically stopped, and again it was never really red, more "old stuff". This morning a little bit of the old crin.one came out and I'm hopeful that it'll be the end of the gunk!
I have not tested again, I'll do it on tuesday before going in for the beta #2 just to see if I'm still pregnant and prepare myself in case I'm not. But for now, only positive thinking.
I've done a lot of reading about beta ad IVF and I came across an old blog which reported some nice info. I'll report here the two most relevant facts and I'll link the research papers which the author quoted also.

IVF pregnancies generally have lower hCG levels than other pregnancies. The theory is that non-IVF pregnancies implant sooner, thereby having more time to generate hCG than a transferred embryo would.

Initial hCG levels are lower in pregnancies achieved through a day 5 embryo transfer than in those resulting from a day 3 transfer. Apparently the extended culture delays even further the implantation or the cell mass of the blastocyst(s) implanting is smaller than in natural/3 days embryo pregnancy. Still day 5 transfer has a higher pregnancy outcome than day 3.

Now so, all this is very promising indeed! But then I went reading Stacey's post when she found out she was pregnant back in March and I think her hCG do compare with mine (147 at 15dp3dt or 18DPO)...and look at her now! 23 weeks along! And she had spotting too! Right, of course I know it can be different for me, but reading positive stories helps keeping the faith!

10dp5dt: beta 57

Beta is in. 57. My favourite doctor said it's perfect for 10dp5dt (15DPO) and to relax. I do think it's a bit low...but when I had the ectopic my beta were 18 on 13dp3dt (16DPO) which would have been like tomorrow. So a bit of hope that will go well is definitely here now.

I'll go in again on tuesday to get another blood test, the doctor didn't really suggest that, I did, but I think it's the good thing to do. I have to call the maternity hospital at some point as I was given clear instruction to call immediately for early pregnancy assessment after the ectopic.

On a lighter note, my fancy dress got delivered today! I'll be going as Peter Pan!

Unbelievable

Girls, this morning I woke up gain at 4.30. Sinking feeling in my stomach. Went to the loo, back to bed, no more sleep, up at 6.15 for another pee and putting crinone in. Slept a bit more until half seven. I got up and peed again, I definitely had some spotting. Not just the gunk of the crinone, I think it was definitely more. Had breakfast, back to the loo. Definitely spotting. Told Mike it was all over for us, we were devastated, the fecking crinone didn't even get me to test day for the first time ever in my IVF history. Mike kept saying we'll wait until tomorrow and do the test anyway. But I said we'll do it now and put this behind us, I'm ready to throw in the towel. So squized out a bit more pee, dipped the test in. Unbelievably it was positive...the line came up before the control line, quite strong and it's 2 days before the official test day. I started sobbing and so did Mike, the poor man couldn't find words to calm me down.

Rang mum while sobbing, she thought something dreadful happened, couldn't understant what I was saying. Then she understood. She passed dad over, he couldn't get a word out either. We went straight to the clinic for blood test as with my history I cannot take any chances. I am in shock, I'm afraid to believe it's true this time and it'll stay...

At the clinic they were lovely, I couldn't stop crying, the emotional italian in me took over this time! The doctor seemed quite confident we'll be ok, I showed her the test (you know the way you want other people to confirm it's true), but of course only the HCG will tell.

I told her about the spotting, she said it's probably normal, she doesn't like crinone either and I'll go back to cyclogest if the news is good.

I'm not myself this morning. I'm afraid to go to the loo.