The silence

I am still here and still reading you all. I am not sure if I have anything interesting to say any more, I think recording a new tooth, a first step or another flu may be relevant to me and perhaps the grandparents but I can see how this is of very little interest to the blogging community, so I'm not posting as much.

Anyhow, I am just back from a trip to Madrid, it was for work, but I brought Oliver with me and my parent met me there so it was lovely for all of us. I find it is really important for me to carve quality time with Oliver. he loves it of course and so do I. His vocabulary in both languages is excellent, we can have lovely conversations which can go off on a tangent at any moment. I love his curiosity and candidness.

Selfie in the breakfast room of the hotel which was really

a fab gluten free bakery!

He is having a "good boy" stint, so we don't have to deal with many tantrums thankfully and  travelling with him on my own is absolutely no problem. Hopefully this will last!

And as of me, I am well, therapy had helped a lot, I will go again next week, and possibly every two weeks. I have another physical symptom, not sure what it is, maybe my stomach/bowel and (most of the time) I don't panic. I will have it checked out if it continues, but I am amazingly just thinking it may be a bit of gastritis. Hopefully anyway!

Martina did very well at home with Mike but we are very happy to be all together again. Tomorrow we are going to an event organised by our fertility clinic, they are celebrating their 17th year in business and are having a get together with all the children and families who are going. As we have been so open about our journey, I'm really looking forward to it and curious to see if there's anyone else there I know!

8w6d another scan

I had no spotting or bleeding since Sunday. I felt so confident I stopped wearing a pad. And then I woke up this morning to another gush of blood. For the love of God, can this stop? Or can I have a definite sign that the pregnancy is over and I can move on? Of course it's friday, what do I do? Shall I stay put till tuesday when I have my scheduled appointment? This would be 4 more days of drugs and my face already looks like a full moon... So I called the clinic and went in. Fav Doc is on annual leave this week but another lovely nurse scanned me. I told her about the bleeding, about the SCH, about the slow growth and slow heartbeat. I told her I was not expecting to see a heartbeat today, in fact a part from the tiredness I don't think I have many other symptoms (big boobs aside, but sure with the hormones....a tree would have grown boobs by now). She said let's have a look, it was a frozen embryo I've seen all sorts of slow growth and healthy babies at the end. Ok.
Sure enough Phoenix was much bigger, and with a heartbeat. Not only that, the SCH is much smaller (she thought it could have bled out this morning) and definitely not threatening. I told her I stopped the aspirin but was still on clexane and that I wasn't sure it was ok with the SCH. She said great I stopped the aspirin and the dose of clexane I'm on is low and to keep that up. Then she started taking measures, Phoenix is catching up in growth measuring now 8w2d she said perfectly within range (it was 7w1d last saturday so it's a big growth) and the heartbeat is up to 157. She was so kind she showed me the amniotic sac which is already formed, the umbilical cord, the placenta and the yolk sac being pushed away as you would expect between 8 and 9 weeks of pregnancy. She showed me the brain vesicle which looks normal.  This looks like a very normal pregnancy to her, she even gave me pics! Through the tears I said to her "I better start loving this baby so" And she said "You better!". She also said there's no need to have a scan every week, but if I feel anxious to go in. I told her that strangely I don't feel anxious but for some reason I feel quite negative. I actually thought I was developing an infection of some kind, I don't feel very well overall, I have shivers, headache for the last two days and my tummy is acting up too. In my head these were all signs of a miscarriage. But this is not the case. Stop thinking this is gong to end any minute now. Start believing.

It's in the uterus!

I was a wreck this morning. A tiny bit more spotting last night didn't help my mind at all. I was ready to see nothing at all in the uterus, to see something outside the uterus, to see nothing anywhere, and of course a tiny bit of me was hoping for the best news possible. I had not peed on any more sticks either, that's just too stressful at this stage and like you all said I'm just over analysing the intensity of each line making myself insane.
The Fav Doc called us in and immediately noted how nervous I was. But she didn't leave me hanging long, she immediately saw the sac in the right place and the developing yolk sac. Right on track for 5w3d.

What a relief! Again she said the spotting is so normal (but I never had it unless things were going wrong) between the progesterone, the clexane, the aspirin etc, it's almost a miracle not to have spotting. She'll see me again next week to see how things progress, but at least now I'm at peace! Thank you all for your support, this pregnancy will be lived differently, I just cannot waste this other chance to enjoy it rather than constantly worrying.

5 weeks

I will have a scan next tuesday at 5w3d at my clinic. The Fav Doctor estimated that by then my HCG should be over 1600 considering a doubling time of 48 hours.

This morning I tested again, the clinic actually suggests you test every week till the viability scan. The line is darker but not as dark as I had at the same time with Oliver. So I am now not feeling that great about this anymore.
You know the way on a FRER the control line tends to fade as the test line becomes so much stronger? Mine is still not that different.

This is the comparison with the exact same test I had with Oliver at 5 weeks.

I just want to curl up in ball. Today it's raining here, perfect day to feel sorry for myself. Maybe I should call the clinic and go for another blood test today? I am in no pain, which is good, maybe it's not ectopic and maybe it's just the pregnancy arresting. I have of course already looked at the library of pics on fertility friends and all of them show the control line fading with respect to the control, so I don't think I have much hope.

11dp5dt (beta update)

I have stitches on my right side. It can be just in my head of course, and I do remember I had them with Oliver too, still not a nice thing to feel!

Tested again this morning, I'm sure you are sick and tired of my HPT pics, but I can't help doing all the comparisons between this series and the previous ones! So here it is for your delight, line getting definitely stronger, we'll see if the HCG will follow suit.

I'm going to the clinic shortly, will update when they call me back with the results. It will have to be at least 50. I had 52 with Oliver at 10dp5dt (but even though he was frozen, the embryologist said it looked like he never was and had fully re-expanded before transfer). Today is 11dp5dt maybe it will be ok. Thanks to you all for the kind support in my never straight forward positive cycles!

Beta update
The clinic just called, the number is up to 73! This gives a good doubling time of 31 hours. In fact, as you know I'm paranoid and I would have liked a less fast doubling time. With the ectopics, believe it or not, I never had that erratic increase you read on the internet. My beta were good. Great in fact, doubling time between 27 and 29 hours. With Oliver, the only normal pregnancy I had a doubling time of 37 hours. In any case, I am safe for now, nothing can happen at this gestational age, I'm going in again on wednesday for a 3rd blood draw and take it from there. I am happy, still very very cautious, but happy for now. I want my Personal Penguin!

The five Amigos!

The clinic just called and we have 5 frozen blastocysts! Wohooo!!! 3 of them were frozen yesterday on day 5 and 2 more today on day 6! All of them are "beautiful expanded blasts" as my lovely embryologist said after having wished me happy birthday... Only 2 had arrested on day 3 but the other 4 didn't look high grade enough for freezing (my clinic has very strict criteria for what can be frozen, they like to have their FET stats almost as good as the fresh).

So that's it for now, we'll be looking at single transfers in the summer of next year (we have the California holiday planned for June next year and then I have a conference near Boston early July), I really hope there will be a brother or sister for Oliver among my little penguins.

37

I'm 37 today and Oliver is 37 weeks! Nice coincidence. I love these coincidences, they make me smile even if they are totally pointless eheh. Happy birthday to me!

So Oliver has now been outside longer than he was inside. Again, soon this will be something I'll stop thinking about, look at how long I have been outside!

Nothing much new to say, no word from the clinic yet which is good I suppose. I had a very very busy week, a conference, several lectures, incoming students looking for advice, projects to be organised etc. I think I had a touch of OHSS, my belly was quite swollen and only in the last couple of days is a bit better. Still not back to normal though. The fact that I've been up and about from 6.30am every morning and often not back to bed before 11.30pm surely didn't help.

Anyway, I'm enjoying being pampered by my mom today, I slept in, she looked after Oliver. Nice. Fab food is being cooked and we'll go for some retail therapy later. Oliver had another inconsolable crying stint last night, sobbing and all. The poor baby. Then he settled but I could hear him a few times in the night crying a bit. Maybe he's teething. We still have no teeth at all! He has adjusted very well to be with my mom and not my sister, I am really confident he'll be fine in the crèche. And the sensor pad thing keeps going off occasionally, so annoying....but I'm not at the stage yet where I feel confident in removing it altogether. Soon, I promise.

I'll update with news from the clinic as soon as I hear. I am surprisingly calm.

Fertility report is in

The embryologist called around lunch time to say that 11 out of the 14 eggs fertilized! This more or less in line with our previous results (14/16 first time, 6/9 second time and 5/6 the third time) which is really positive news. Mike was a bit worried that he hadn't taken his vitamins long enough before the procedure (usually he would have had a 3 months stint), but I'm glad it didn't affect the first stage anyway.

So here's what going to happen. They'll culture the embryos to blast and on Sunday at the latest (day 6) they will phone me with a full report of what we have. If everything goes south beforehand of course they'll let me know but Ivy (the really nice embryologist we had a few times) said it's still going to be Saturday before she knows for sure how things are. I said I thought they were going to change medium on day 3 and that perhaps I would have gotten an update then, but she reminded me that the critical step is day 3 to day 4 and she doesn't want to give me false hopes (the usual protocol of the clinic!). Anyway, she said I can call the lab if I'm anxious, but I'll definitely try not to be.

Today I feel a bit swollen, I'm trying to drink plenty and take it easy (I'm back in work), let's hope it won't worsen. I had a night full of nightmares (some fake photographer wanted to kidnap Oliver!) so I didn't sleep that well at all, which I'm sure it's not helping overall.

Update number 2

Academic teaching term will start on monday and we are having orientation week at the moment and it's just hell. So I've not been able to read or comment! So sorry, I'll try my best during the weekend.

I had my second scan this morning, everything is on track, 10 follicles on the left and 7 good sizes on the right. A couple of smallies which won't count. Mike went in for his SA yesterday and he had nothing to report on the "Sample room" of the new facility, apparently it's the same as the old one, no new "interesting" material to look at. The results weren't great, 7 million/mL, low motility. Bleah. The Fav Doctor had a look for me at his precious number and actually in 2009 he only had 5.4 million/mL so it's not as bad this time. And she pointed out they only need a few for ICSI so they have plenty to work with.

In other news, Oliver had a terrible night last night, we had very little sleep, he seemed inconsolable between 1.30 am and 3am. Normally it's enough to give him his soother and the night-teddy but we actually had to pick him up and rock him till he stopped sobbing. My little baby...I think he suffers from separation anxiety now that I'm in work all day...and I'm a bit tender in the belly so I don't pick him up as much in the evening either...let's hope he'll settle soon. Love to all.

Future plans

Yesterday we went to the clinic (new location, ultra posh place, was almost expecting a room named after me LOL!) and we met with the Fav Doctor. The medical part of the chat was very quick, the policy is "don't change what works" and so we'll do the same protocol the next time. We are looking at September with no pill (whoohoooo!!!), as my cycles are very regular already, I just have to give her a call when my period start in September (probably it'll be late August), she'll get my prescription ready and we are good to go! She suggested to start with a lower dose, she'll monitor me more often (the new place is walking distance from work) and we can increase if necessary. Two out of the three fresh cycles I have done, I risked OHSS and this resulted in half the trigger dose the last time which yielded 6 eggs out of 18 follicles which then became 3 blasts. We'll try and aim for 10 eggs without OHSS. We still think we'll freeze which means I won't be on steroids or clexane this time. The idea is to go to blast anyway and freeze then (Oliver was a frozen blast). But we'll see how it goes and the Fab Doctor seems to be quite flexible with us, which is great.

We also got a tour of the new facility and I can only say WOW. They even bought a new 3d ultrasound machine. Cool!

Yesterday was also my CD3 so I got my bloods done at the GP to see how I'm getting on on the hormones side of things. I'll have the results back next week.

Finally, I'm deeply saddened by the many losses happing in blogland. Some of them are just unreal they are so so cruel. I still get a profound sense of fear reading those stories, as if they trigger my memories around Oliver's birth so though you girls are in my thoughts and prayers I am not able to comment too much.

22 weeks, shopping, clinic and potty training (!)

My darling Oliver is 22 weeks! 5 full months!

We are experiencing a heatwave here and the weather is amazing! On monday it's holiday here so it's a long weekend for which I've tons of things planned!

Yesterday I bought a light frame stroller called Petit Star Zia Plus. It seems like people have mixed opinions but I'm totally positive about it, really easy to use and manoeuvre!

Folds really small and I got a good offer with a summer removable lining, a parasol and rain cover! Very happy about it and Oliver seems to love it too! It'll be our summer/travel stroller!

On the shopping side, I finally manage to buy some swimwear for our upcoming trip to the seaside. I got everything in the same shop after seeing their collection online. I'm pleased with it too, though I think I have a long way to go before I'll look good in anything!

In other news, a girl on one of the local boards attending my same clinic mentioned that my Fav Doctor is now certified on the Irish medical board too (she is not Irish and got her qualification abroad) and so can now take her own patients. I thought it was a sign so I texted her congratulating her on the news and to see if we can set up a meeting to plan our future. She was delighted and said that given I'm a special patient, I can just tell her when I want to go in and she'll make time for me. So it may be next week!! Wohoo!! Things are moving fast! Of course I'll update you on that too.

Finally yesterday and today I got Oliver to poo on the loo!! I had read that if you hold the baby in a particular way it'll help them understand how to go potty in a more regular way. It was a popular method in tribal societies where nappies were not used. There is a lot of controversy on this potty training method and I am not following it as such. Anyway, yesterday I got the impression that he was probably about to poo so I took off his nappy and held him over the loo (keeping his legs lifted towards his tummy) and he went! He seemed delighted with the experience and so was I. Then this morning we did it again! Now, he also pooed in his nappy other times but given that we use cloth nappies it's a great victory not to having to clean them from solids sometimes and also I'm sure it's great for him not to have to sit on his poo till I realise he needs a change.

Weekly check

Oliver's weight is now 4.28 kg! So he's doing really well. I still have not weighed myself as I'm sure I have not lost a gram...

In other news, I brought my left over meds to the clinic this afternoon, no point in letting them elapse in my fridge, I'll get them fresh when it'll be time again. I saw my Fav Doctor and told her about the histology results on the placenta, she also didn't think much at all about it, probably the diminished fluids were to be blamed, she said that if there was an infection they would have investigated what bacterium caused it and above all I'd have had sings. That's it then, no more worrying! I asked also about maybe doing a hysteroscopy before going again and she doesn't think there is the need as the procedure is "clean" meaning it doesn't leave tissues back and she added "you had so many surgeries already we'll definitely try to spare you another one!"

She also agrees with Dr. L on the time really needed between pregnancies after a c-section, but she feels that as soon as Oliver will be more interactive I'll be much more absorbed by him so we may push our next attempt a bit further down the line.

I still think I'd like to go again by the end of the year though...

An answer of some kind

Yesterday I called my OB's office to see if he received the histology report on my placenta as I hand't heard back from him. The secretary said not all results were in but that Dr. L would check with the lab and let me know. By dinner time he hadn't called and I figured he would call today instead. But he did call! Around 9.30pm! Isn't he a great doctor? Anyway, he said that there was nothing particularly outstanding in the report, no blood clots and no calcifications. Mmhh. That kind of ruled out our/mine main causes for IUGR and diminished fluids...but he did say that there were signs of inflammation which would be explainable if the waters had in fact started leaking a few days earlier (inflammation is the first response to infection or irritation, I had no fever, waters were clear so I don't think I had an infection). If anyone knows more on this please let me know, there's only so much you can find on Google and being at home I have no access to medical literature!

He said that in my next pregnancy they will monitor more closely the blood flow to the placenta throughout the third trimester so that if there's a sign of deterioration it'll be picked up quickly. I have to say though that it's not like my placenta wasn't checked, I had a scan less than 3 weeks before things looked suddenly serious, and at that time everything was as good as it could be, including fluid levels so I guess it was just one of those (scary) things.

Oh, and I may have said to soon I was done with the bleeding....grrr had some more spotting!!

Next week I'll pop into my clinic and see if I could talk to my Fav Doctor, I wonder if I had inflammation of the membranes if it's better to have a hysteroscopy before going again, just to make sure all is good to go...you know, I'm prone to things going awfully wrong if my uterus isn't in perfect conditions!

6 weeks check ups!

Little Oliver is 6 weeks today and doing great!

We both went for our check up on thursday. Dr. L was very happy to see me and said my scar has healed perfectly. He didn't have the histology report on my placenta which may have been sent to Dr. Wonderful so he'll trace it back and call me next week. We chatted a bit about why the placenta may have stopped working, but till we can see the lab results it's just a guessing work. So we'll wait. He said that if there were some clots formed we may considerer taking aspirin all the way through the next pregnancy and have closer monitoring (which is just music to my ears...I'm addicted to hospitals and doctors I discovered!) with doppler scan done routinely (although I am quite sure the blood flow in the umbilical artery was ok till the very end...but maybe not the flow from me to the placenta, I don't know). Anyway....did you see me talking already bout the next pregnancy??

Sooooo it was in fact Dr. L who brought this up asking if we were thinking of doing IVF again to give Oliver a little sibling. I said we were but we didn't know time-wise if there were restrictions due to the c-section. You read loads of different opinions, some say you have to wait a year before conceiving again, other 18 months...so as I'm not getting any younger and we don't have any frozen embryos left I was a bit concerned I'd simply sun out of time.

Amazingly he said that in fact you read all of the above, but that the scar in the uterus doesn't change any more after 3 months from the surgery and that at that point it is as good as it's ever going to be. So the recommended amount of time between two pregnancies is not related at all to the type of delivery, just mostly to when someone is ready to go again. This was absolutely fantastic to hear. I think I realised that I would like to have another baby, to enjoy the pregnancy this time but I also want to give Oliver all the attention he deserves. As we will never have an accidental pregnancy I wonder if we could go for a cycle this summer and just freeze the embryos for the future. I know it's a gamble and I'll probably be worried about the fact that when we do the transfer, say in a year to 18 months from now they either don't survive or it's a BFN I'll be even older for more treatments then...Anyway, we'll think about it and it's nice to know that the guidelines here are suiting me just better!

Next Oliver went for his check up and passed with flying colours. His muscular tone is right on track and so is his weight and head control. I asked about the dirty nappies (I thought they were improving but not really) and the doctor thinks that as he never had any temperature or any other kind of discomfort it's probably not a virus at all at this point but just his body struggling a bit to process all the lactose he's taking in. He had a point when he said we'd be having diarrhoea too if we were drinking 9-10 litres of milk a day in proportion to our body weight! So we'll try a different formula with lower lactose content and see how it goes.

I had forgot to mention in my last post that I went to the clinic with Oliver last tuesday! Of course I called ahead to see when was the best time to drop by when no patients would have been around. I'd been there to long not to know how painful it is to see other people's babies even if they have gone through IF. You can hear the evil voice in your head saying you may just fall at the other side of the statistics...

It was so emotional being there again, but in a good way. Everyone wanted to hold Oliver and I took a pic of the Favourite Doctor with him!

Again, I felt the comfort of being there, the familiarity of the place and the people that made our miracle a reality for us and never gave up on hope. It's as if I miss it all. Of course they all look forward to seeing me soon again! They also told me that they are moving location in the next two months as they have outgrown the facilities there. Shock! I won't be going back to the same place which was so so convenient as it was just on the way to work...so it was great to hear the new building is even more conveniently located for us, maybe it's a sign we won't have so much heartbreak the next time!

Finally yesterday I brought Oliver into work and had great (social) time with colleagues at lunch and coffee (ah!! the coffee!! It was ages I din't have a *bucks Caramel Macchiato!). I really do miss adult interaction...

Almost a smile! 5 week old

I really think this morning Oliver smiled at me! I gave him the night feed and then Mike this morning got up and fed him so that I could sleep in, and then when I got up and saw Oliver he almost smiled seeing me!! So so cute!

Anyhow, all is good here, Oliver still has a good few dirty nappies during the day but doesn't seem to be too bothered. He's awake for much longer periods (which freaks Mike out as he doesn't know what to do with him yet!) and still very happy and sweet. Now that I'm home alone all day I do feel quite tired by the time is evening and Mike is still learning how to put on the reusable nappies...so not really able to be on his own with Oliver for a few hours yet. Sure if he was spending more time maybe his confidence would also improve...we re working on it.

My mom as already booked a new flight to come and stay with us for another couple of weeks, I never thought I'd be feeling this way but I can't wait to have some company and help. I have come to totally admire those mothers who have twins and are on their own. Hats off to you all girls, I have no idea how you managed!

A bit happening next week. I have my 6 weeks check up on thursday and I'll try to book Oliver's check up on the same day. Mike on the other hand is playing football...ah well. I'll also go to the clinic probably monday or tuesday so that the Favourite Doctor can meet the little man and I may ask incidentally when can we talk again about things and future moves...

Breast feeding or expressing has officially stopped. So another thing I'll do next week is to return the pump. I'm glad I tried. I am even gladder I stopped when I realised it was ruining my time with Oliver. So on with the bottles! And here's a pic of my little boy for you all.

The little aviator sleeping

Sleeping troubles

First of all welcome to my most recent followers! I look forward to check out your blogs too!

Next, the doppler is giving us a lot of joy, a part from last night when I could not find the heartbeat at all and kept hearing my own! Eventually we put on a bit more gel, moved the doppler more central and a bit higher up and cloppetecloppetecloppete there it was! I think the first time I used it at the weekend I was probably listening to the umbilical cord blood-flow which had the same rhythm but missed the "tump" sound. Still beating at 160bpm!

Yesterday I had quite a lot of pain in my belly, couldn't tell if it was bowel though and got a bit frightened...but then....it was bowel! I must have eaten something wrong in the canteen....what a surprise... Anyway, my next appointment cannot come soon enough, I'm counting the days.

I have not been sleeping well lately, my back is sore and even if I'm trying to sleep on my left side I seem to wake up on my back. And so I toss and turn. Every book does recommend not to sleep on your back as you enter the second trimester because the growing uterus will press on your blood vessels but I think it may be pressing on my spine...I tried putting a pillow in between the legs but I found it more of a hindrance than help. Any suggestion appreciated! meanwhile the peeing is definitely easing off, I still go once a night but much less during the day.

This morning we stopped by the clinic with chocolate for everyone there and a small special gift for the Favourite Doctor. They were all so so happy to see us (maybe it was the chocolate!) and the Favourite Doctor brought us in an office for a proper chat. She was so lovely as usual, you know she has two children! I never knew. Strangely I feel so safe when I'm there. I suppose it is the familiar feeling, I know everyone so well they are like friends. One of the nurses from the theatre even came up to say hello and give me a hug! Also coincidentally while we were saying our goodbyes we learnt that it was going to be the last day of the nurse who gave us the very first round of blood tests in 2008! She is going to a different fertility clinic closer to where she's from (only a few miles from Mike's home-town! The World is small, but Ireland...God, it's like a big village!).

FET day

Ok, so it's 12.10 and no call from the clinic. I have tried to manage the stress over the past two days but it hasn't been easy at all. I have made my mind up and I'm going to send a letter to Dr. W expressing my opinion on this lab policy that no news is good news.

I am going to have an acupuncture session at 2 pm and I'll be in the clinic by 3.30 pm. FET should happen at 4 pm.

Honestly if they call me now I'll make a scene! Well, I'm off to try and get something to eat...I've lost a kg since yesterday morning!! not that I complain but I feel really empty now!