This and that

Hello cyber people... it's been so so long.

So I thought I'd update you (and me really...it's probably more for me, if I ever one day will read all my blog again) on how things have gone since last summer.

Researchwise, things took a better turn towards the end of the year, I got two international grants and a couple more papers which was very nice and will hopefully help moving onto the next step in the ladder. In the new year a few more things have worked out also so I feel much more appreciated and positive I can make the most of this job.

The children are well, completely settled. Martina started school last September and she loves it, they are both avid readers (at their levels of course) which we are delighted with. Oliver turned 7 in January and he is much better, still has the silliness shining through more often that we would like but what can you do, hopefully he will grow out it in another little while (then he will be a teenager soon...I'm aware we will have another set of issues...). Martina is 5 in 6 weeks... she is so much more mature though, could just be 7 and you wouldn't blink. Both of them are very sweet actually, they mostly play together nicely (which includes brother/sister fights and the like fo course). I want to post here a pic we took at Christmas, it's one of my favourites!

Other than this life at home is ticking along, I'm very sad to say that that's about the level of excitement I can report. It's been like this for a good while unfortunately. The plan would be to move to the continent but it has to be Mike making the move this time, and it's not happening. He says he really would like to move of course...since January 2017...he has not applied for a single job yet. This inertia is killing me, in all honesty....I would have found it impossible to stick around if the situation was different...but that's how it is and I am stuck, no point in hoping it will change, it won't. 

Finally, we went skiing in February and it was fabulous, oh my god...I so so love the mountains, I could happily live in a hut if this was my view from the window...I will do all I can to make it happen.

I'll try and be back a bit sooner, I want you know that I still read you all. Hugs to all.

Still low

It seems this blog has yet again taken the role of holding my sorrow...
I am not doing much better than the last time. Sometimes I think I am and then... bang! another rejection  (two would you believe it since the last time I wrote) another sign that my ship has sailed and now they are investing in younger researchers, those that probably will have a much brighter future.

I don't know how to snap out of this status, I feel the institution where I work now has lured me in, got me on the cheap, and now not really investing in me. Why would they do this I wonder? And how can I change it? And more importantly, where do I find the energy to keep smiling and act the Rachel "gracious loser face"?

I'm still here

It's been so long. The longer it went the more difficult it got to write something. Anything at all.

Children are well and settled in school/day care. It took a while for Oliver but thankfully he is now a very happy boy and his behaviour is also much improved. I love the conversations he is capable of. His latest thing is "Mamma if you die, can daddy marry someone else?" of course I say, only there is no need for me to die really if he wants to marry someone else, he just has to "unmarry" me.

Mike has finally started working in April, he is much happier and while having him at home was great for school runs etc, financially meant we could not save anything. His contract is only till february so we'll see what happens next.

I am not doing very well. Oh everything is ok thankfully, I got more active, I did the couch to 5K challenge and I'm happy to report I made it and try to run that much 3 times a week (with varying degree of success). But work and my science spark has taken a major hit. Two hits in fact in the space of a week... one big paper rejected and one grant (which was vital for mobility and future plans) also rejected at the first evaluation. And I crumbled like never before. I'm questioning why I'm doing this job at all, what value is it really adding to society etc. The thought of going back to study medicine (which was my true call) has reappeared but it's tainted by the fact that I'm probably too old to start now, and the what if I can't actually deal with the emotional side of it all in the end (which was the original reason why I didn't do it in the first place). So I have days where I really would like to do nothing at all. Yet I have people depending on me, my group of lovely and still optimistic students and post docs...and I look at them and think "what do I have to give you anymore?".

It's been a long time

Hello there, if you are still there. I think I have lost the groove. Very happy to read what you are writing by never seem to be properly inspired to write a post myself. I'll do a bullet point update:

• Oliver is in great form, since we met with the therapist that time back in March and she gave us a few pointers we are well on track and his behaviour is like night and day now. Of course we have the occasional moments but we manage them very well (mostly!).
• Martina had her third birthday back in April and she went today for her developmental check. She is in the 75th % for height and weight and reached all the expected milestones and some. She is very reasonable on the majority of fronts a part when it comes to wearing things. She can change 3 times a day just because she wants to try on something different. She is obsessed with pink and purple, and leggings and dresses and skirts. Don't insist on her wearing a pair of pants or jeans as this is a capital offence. 
• The move to the UK is happening, I have found a beautiful house and I have the keys as of last monday, we have tenants lined up for our house in Dublin and everything is falling nicely into place. We had a great stint of good weather which helps dramatically too! the house content will relocate the second week in July, I'm tendering at the moment for the best price. We will bring the children to Italy on the 2nd of July and they will stay there till they are ready to move to the UK in August. We will go to Italy on holidays sometime towards the end of July for a couple of weeks and we'll bring everyone back.
• Work is going very well, I have been travelling A LOT. Switzerland, Holland, Puerto Rico...I'm going to Finland and Norway next week too. I have finished almost all my recruiting for next year, still have one position to fill but hopefully soon. Work has kept me busy and distracted a lot, Mike is amazing at minding the children and I am never worried they are doing well. My mom came over to Dublin the week I went to Puerto Rico to help a bit so that was great.
• Mike and I have started couple therapy and I think it is helping. I have been positively surprised by the fact that Mike seems to be putting a lot of effort in, also for himself and see if he can overcome some emotional hurdles he clearly has and that clash completely with my needs. Lets give it some more time.

How have you all been?

It's not Oliver, it's us

We went to see a children therapist about 10 days ago. The first appointment is called parental intake. We talked to her for 45 min going through a questionnaire we had pre-filled and she was asking additional things. We told her how Oliver can say things so so hurtful (and scary) like I will call the police, tell them you hit me so you go to jail. And how bed time is hell. How we are at the end of the tether we don't know what else to do. The main points we came out with from the session were that her first concern was that Oliver was somewhat above average for academic intelligence and that this is a problem as we forget he is only 5. While this seems a good thing, for a child and his parents it isn't. I't very difficult to parent a child that to you sounds more and more like a teenager and not a child. The next thing was that we treat Martina and Oliver much the same while Martina is still a toddler (even though we definitely don't see her as a toddler) and Oliver is a school boy. That really we should treat them differently, they should go to bed at different times and possibly be separated in different rooms (they love sleeping in the same room but we know this is one of the reasons why bedtime is hell...they wind each other up..). She also said we need to be much firmer in our parenting, not engage in any negotiation, we are those in charge, not him. We should also not reward normal behaviour (say it is normal that a child does not run around a shop, rewarding him when he does behave well in a shop is not ok). And that we should let them watch more television. Not games on the iPad (Oliver gets 5 minutes at the weekend only) but cartoons are ok. I suppose we just don't watch television during the day, we have one television in the sitting room and that's it, but she said actually letting the children watch a cartoon in the evening after dinner is calming and watching tv with them is an opportunity to talk about what's going on in the cartoon. She mentioned she may recommend that Oliver should be assessed and possibly we could be referred to a psychiatric clinic...

So I came out with a splitting headache and my heart weighing a ton. We decided to implement straight away the staggered bed time. We thought it was going to be hell but actually it's as if we discovered a new world. Oliver loves having a little longer downstairs and Martina is tired anyway. Mike was perfectly capable of doing this on his own too and Oliver in a matter of 3 days became a different child. And I mean the total opposite. Obedient, understanding. We made clear there will be treats twice a week and only linked to good behaviour and again that worked beautifully. Bed time no longer lasts 2 hours but it's 20 min per child. Seriously if someone had told me this would work I would not have believe it.

And we went back today, the idea is that we go in first, tell her about the week then Oliver goes in. Only things went a bit differently. We talked beforehand that we should tell her we are having issues in our marriage too (we didn't say this the first time). So after a round up of our amazing progress (she was delighted, had met Oliver in the waiting room already and thought he was your normal friendly child) Mike told her about our difficulties. She asked us to talk to her about it and basically in the end she said that maybe it's us needing therapy. We chatted some more, I told her how things have changed for me, about the lack of support I feel, how Mike has rarely be the person I would confide in and now not at all. We touched on a few points like forgetting birthdays, upbringing etc. Looks like next week she will see only us. She did spend about 20 min with Oliver and when she came out she said he is the most normal, though likely above average for intelligence and she doesn't need to see him again for a few weeks. So here we go, it's couple therapy for us.

Ask me if I'm happy

This is the title of an Italian movie I really liked (and I think it sounds better in Italian than in English, but ah well).

So what's new. Not much. The teaching term is over, now one week of apparent calm and then exams will storm the buildings like every year. It will be over too eventually.
Mike is back to his normal self. No real conversation since, he is still doing things for the move, looking for a job, making arrangements for early January to go over etc. Our talking is back to trivial and day to day stuff. We did the shopping for Christmas on line for the children and he did most of the research which was good.

Yesterday we went out for lunch. For the first time in years I'd say we had a baby sitter and we went with friends into town for a catch up and a bite to eat. It was nice, we get on very well with them and yet it felt to me I was acting all the time. Acting to be happy in my relationship, acting to be interested in the upcoming wedding of two of our friends, acting to cheer the news of the third pregnancy of another common friend. They all looked so so happy...
When we came home we put up the Christmas tree (never one of my favourite things to do really) and I was looking at Mike and the children fluffing up the branches (we have a very expensive, very real looking fake tree) and putting up the decoration and I was feeling so much sadness... I'm sure it's also hormonal but still. I so wish I could share that happiness that lightness of the heart...while I just wished I was somewhere else. And this is so so heavy on me, I feel totally responsible for the lack of enthusiasm, for again feeling very much alone (I worry a lot about the move and just keep it to myself, Mike never asks), completely preoccupied with things other than the family and it's not right. I started thinking it will be the last Christmas in this house for sure, got a bit emotional. When I told Mike he said "let's make it a good one" and he is right, I just don't know where to find the magic dust...

The talk

I brought the children to Italy the last weekend of October and I flew back late on monday while they stayed with my parents till the following thursday. I had a super time, talked a lot with my sister and my best friend and things became even clearer.

I was not set on having a "talk" as such but it somehow happened and there was the right occasion. It started with Mike coming to pick me up at the airport. This would not be too unusual but the fact that he parked the car and actually came inside the terminal definitely was. I thanked him and commented that it was unusual and he said "really?". Yes, really.

We drove into work together and I started asking some questions about his work and the move to the UK and he was yet again completely disengaged on all fronts. So I thought I could not let the opportunity go by and really opened up my soul about how I felt and how little supported I have been feeling all along. He was very quiet. We (I) talked about feelings and emotions, and how I don't feel loved at all, I reported several examples throughout the years and he could only agree that this and that was really not a nice thing to say/do. We talked some more in the evening, I made clear that I don't want to break up the family but I feel very much trapped in a situation where I am alone in most of the important decisions, that I am the one pulling us everywhere, that I don't see him having much of an aspiration for himself in just about anything that goes on. I asked him what does he want for himself and he didn't know. He was clearly shaken and I felt this huge relief of finally having told him. The main points were the lack of sharing thoughts and feelings, the really just having sex was what made us different from the rest of the people we know, and our very different understanding of loving. I don't feel at all we are partners.

A couple of days went by with little conversation of any relevance, the children came back, my parents were here for a few days so not much happening.

Then he emailed me one day last week saying he was barely keeping it together and could we talk some more. So we did of course, I'm never the one that doesn't want to talk. Again it felt like I was the only one talking but I suppose he just wanted to understand more how I felt. In the end it was clear that he missed more the fact that I was no longer affectionate and I explained that I have no problem being affectionate, but not sexual because I can hardly have sex with someone I feel doesn't get me much at all. He accepted that I think. He asked me what I would have done if we had no children, would I have left him? I pointed out I clearly have a very poor track record in the way I choose partners, but that probably I still would have tried to talk to him and get him to at least understand how I feel. I don't know if I can bring back any feelings other than deep family love (but not like a brother, he asked that, no it's much more than that).

Since then he suddenly found a new enthusiasm about the move (he is looking for schools for the children, jobs etc) and went back running. I'm glad for him, I hope he is not doing it just for me.

"Emotionally starved"

This is the definition my psychotherapist used to describe what is going on inside my head and heart. And I realised this is perfectly fitting.

Till we had plans, things to do, to keep busy, etc. I did not notice that my emotions did not get sufficient attention (understatement of the year). Throughout my infertility years I had you: my cyber friends. A couple of whom are very good friends in real life too. I needed this space where I could talk, open my heart and I knew, I always knew I would have gotten the support, the comfort, the kind words. Mike has always been extremely kind, but never capable of sitting down with me and listen to my broken soul. Or better, he listened. Never had anything to say back. That's just not what we do. And for 12 years I think I was ok with this, I had my friends, I had you, I had my many projects. Oliver, the first years, Martina, her first years... we are busy, not much time to think, to observe and take stock. We always had something to do around the house, holidays to plan. I mostly planned everything, Mike very happy to go along (most of the time) and me happy to do the planning.

I know things changed early this year. Or better, they didn't change at all, I just suddenly saw the situation differently.

As I started looking for a job somewhere else, Mike was not there at all for me. Not a word like...ever. No plans, dreams or even curiosity. Surely he saw how impossible the working environment had become for me, surely he must have known I am not the kind of person that just complains about things. I would have acted. And I did. On my own. I wrote in May how he suddenly had a major display of emotions (all negatives) and that for me was a turning point. The turning point. One of those you remember forever. If my feelings had been tested up till that point, there was when something broke. It's not the job hunting, or the event itself, it's how obviously incapable we are of talking to one another. I did not see that coming at all. Not only that, but on that occasion I absolutely did not share nor I understood his feelings. We are scientists, it's in our nature to have a curious attitude, to love new things, to discover. I realised I would be much better off on my own in my adventure. Clearly the children are a significant factor. I am not doing anything rushed only because of them.

I love him, I will always love him. I just wish I was free and love him from afar, like I love my parents. I'd like to be free to do my things without thinking "oh I better let him know this or the other" and it's always only functional. I am not even mentioning my excitement about starting new things, setting up a new lab, new collaborations, new projects. He never asks of course, but also he is always going to be lukewarm no matter what we say/do.

It could totally be me. In fact I think it is me. I tend to get bored. I'm amazed I only noticed it now after 12 years together. With my first husband it took about 4 years total time. Clearly we had no children, it was so much easier to just pack up and go. And we stayed very good friends (if we ever were friends, again we had zero in common, zero conversation, at least with Mike we have the science in common if not so much the emotional connection) we are still in touch for birthdays etc 14 years after splitting up. How do I pick these people? Am I so so blind that I don't see macroscopic stuff like the fact that if I have a concern as irrational as it may be I do not feel understood by my partner? My mom always mentioned how strange it was that Mike had barely any contact with his own family bar the mandatory sunday phone call. And I was getting very much uptight about it answering that the fact that they were less attached didn't mean they didn't love each other. This still stands. I mean...maybe the major thing was when he didn't go home last Christmas when he was told his mother had days to live....I think he loved her. Is that the way I want to be loved? Most definitely not. Can we work on this as a couple? I doubt it. He has not changed, I have.

I need new emotions, new everything. And the children are great, they will always bring something new, it's such an amazing thing seeing the world through their eyes. Now I just have to find a way to move forward, and do the least amount of damage.
As ever, thank you so so much for your shoulders, I desperately need them.

Unsettled boardeline unhappy

It's been a while.

September is over and there was my birthday (forgotten by Mike yet again till the evening) and his (remembered as always). I bought myself my birthday present on his behalf. I carefully chose his present.

I am not happy. Not so much about the birthdays but about the overall feelings and lack of connection. I don't even want to try an fix it which I think it's what is mostly unsettling. I have had these feelings yet again to hop on a plane and take a break from family life. Just be on my own for a few days. At least.

We talk normally about nothing important. Sex is to a minimum and I don't enjoy it at all. It actually annoys me the way he touches me, I just want it to be over with. He doesn't seem to mind, or is not interested or he just doesn't want to talk about it. That's our norm. It has always been our norm.

He has not even started looking for jobs in the UK. Asked me when I think he should start looking...as if he is like....12 or so. I'm so so tired.

The children are at least mostly great. Oliver loves school and while he has to get up much earlier than normal, he is quite ok. Only every evening when I come home (generally minutes after Mike and the children are home) I find him screaming his head off as he is doing time-out for a reason or another. Every. Evening. Every. Evening. So I don't know if every time he deserves this time out but it is clearly not working as it takes three times longer, he is in a fit, we are all stressed out. This morning was not a good one either. Himself and Mike were "doing a race" about getting dressed. Mike won (no comments here). Oliver cried (again it's not normal crying, it's shouting, hitting things etc) for about 20 minutes until I lost my patience and shouted at him back...not proud I know, I do this more often than I would like to admit...but he doesn't hear any reason when he is in such a state. And my day feels completely ruined. Or at least really on a bad start. On the drive to school I tried talking to him, asked him why he was behaving this way ("I don't know") and that I didn't know how to help him. Martina is 2.5 and way more reasonable. Not sure I am doing a good job at all as a mom, certainly not as a wife, and I'm doubting I'm even a good friend to anyone at this moment in time.