The tough part

Nobody gets married of course thinking they will be separating down the line. In my case, I never wanted to get married in the first place (for the second time), but alas. 

It is amazing how these situations bring out the worse aspects of people. While I'm absolutely trying my best to keep the situation very amicable and polite, I have to deal with the passive-aggressive attitude of Mike who would not reply to the lawyer that quickly (we have opted for a consensual divorce agreement), would not really discuss with me how he feels about some of the suggestions etc. everything is met with barely a grunt. As I am the one financially stronger (thought he is also working full time), we have agree on how we divide expenses etc. It looks like I'm paying for absolutely everything, including a contribution to the children living expenses when they are with him. It sounds insane, it makes me mad that he will have no contribution to any of the expenses, but I just want this done. This is despite very clear financial agreements before and during our 14 year long marriage. Go figure. 

It's still not done. But I'm trying my absolutely best to understand that he is hurting, that he is worried about the future etc. I hope that when things settle, he will also see that he can be completely financially secure (he has a great job for god's sake...).

On the bright side, I am truly enjoying my time in the apartment on my own! I so needed my space, I will have the children on thursday till the weekend (we split child care 50%) and I know I will love to spend 100% of the time with them with my batteries fully recharged.

Everyone is here

Hello my friends...

Bullet points till I will find some more mojo to get back to writing!

• Where has the summer gone? Children were in Italy for 6 weeks, we joined them for the last 2 weeks and I took them back with me to Nottingham. Let me tell you, it has not been easy. No childcare to speak of, I was facing 3 weeks of juggling the children and the work on my own. Thankfully I found a summer camp on campus which I used to the last available hour for Oliver and I dragged along Martina when she didn't have her induction time in the day care (also on campus). The weather has been very kind to us, and the house with the garden, and the trampoline (bless whoever invented the trampoline) helped massively to burn energies (the children) and keep the sanity (mine).
• Mike has moved over last friday and as he is now officially in charge of the children and the house while I take a break and go to the office...no seriously, I am in owe of single moms with young children and no help who seem to manage so gracefully. Kudos to you all out there.
• Mike has no job yet but now that he is here it should be a bit easier. Meanwhile he is doing a lot of things that otherwise I would have to do. He has been great help and somehow filled his days with a number of tasks which is brilliant. 
• Oliver started his new school on tuesday. It's a brilliant school, 7 minutes walk from home and Mike collects him in the afternoon. Both enjoy so much the time together, it's fantastic to see the bond growing.
• Martina is in full time day care on campus, they have their own private woodland and she LOVES it. Every friday they will do this "Forest school", no matter the weather, where they will learn about respect for nature but also building shelters,  tracking games, camp fire cooking....I want to go to!! Its concept originates in Denmark and it sounds amazing.
• Me. I'm doing ok. Now I have a bit more balance and I managed to catch up on a few things in work. We have been quite successful recently with our research and securing grants so I am more relaxed. My lab is still not ready and the group will relocate in 3 weeks. I'm told "there is plenty of time..." I suspect we will be playing cards for a while.

I will try and be back soon, I am reading though!

Move complete

Oh why is it so difficult for me to blog these days? I love to see what you have been up to and I think it's the same for you and yet I just seem to have nothing to say.

So after Brexit here nothing has changed. We all think it will change for the worse but nobody knows when it will happen. And we all just go along as normal. But one thing did happen, Mike had an interview with a company after Brexit, they went ahead with the interview, they didn't offer him the job but said he was great and everyone felt he would have been a great fit and to please apply again. I never heard such a thing. You either fit their profile or you don't. Yet it seems they didn't hire him because they decided to stay with the skill set they already had within  the company. We will see.

I moved over the car and now the house has relocated, I have all my things (albeit in boxes!) and Mike is the one who is roaming. The children are in Italy and my parents have been minding them for almost a month. The plan was for them to stay there till the end of August by my parents had enough, so we go for two weeks and then we taken them back....or I take them back to Nottingham. Which will be interesting because I don't know exactly what I can do with them till their school/daycare start. I have booked Oliver into a summer camps here on the University grounds and Martina will start her transition into the day care also on campus. The fact that the children are coming back with me in mid August means I have to have the house in much better shape and much quicker than I thought I had to. Their room was used much as the storage room while I was sorting out the wardrobes (which had to be built and Mike built two out of three already) and now every evening I'm shifting stuff in the attic or into a different room....not fun!!

Of course after months of intense travelling, plus the move etc I came down with the worse flu in years...all last week I had very high temp and a cough. On friday I started feeling a bit better, I still have a cough and very low energy but I'm no longer homebound.

Oh and I got my first UK grant!! So I feel a little less under pressure. Lets hope I continue to do well.

It's been a long time

Hello there, if you are still there. I think I have lost the groove. Very happy to read what you are writing by never seem to be properly inspired to write a post myself. I'll do a bullet point update:

• Oliver is in great form, since we met with the therapist that time back in March and she gave us a few pointers we are well on track and his behaviour is like night and day now. Of course we have the occasional moments but we manage them very well (mostly!).
• Martina had her third birthday back in April and she went today for her developmental check. She is in the 75th % for height and weight and reached all the expected milestones and some. She is very reasonable on the majority of fronts a part when it comes to wearing things. She can change 3 times a day just because she wants to try on something different. She is obsessed with pink and purple, and leggings and dresses and skirts. Don't insist on her wearing a pair of pants or jeans as this is a capital offence. 
• The move to the UK is happening, I have found a beautiful house and I have the keys as of last monday, we have tenants lined up for our house in Dublin and everything is falling nicely into place. We had a great stint of good weather which helps dramatically too! the house content will relocate the second week in July, I'm tendering at the moment for the best price. We will bring the children to Italy on the 2nd of July and they will stay there till they are ready to move to the UK in August. We will go to Italy on holidays sometime towards the end of July for a couple of weeks and we'll bring everyone back.
• Work is going very well, I have been travelling A LOT. Switzerland, Holland, Puerto Rico...I'm going to Finland and Norway next week too. I have finished almost all my recruiting for next year, still have one position to fill but hopefully soon. Work has kept me busy and distracted a lot, Mike is amazing at minding the children and I am never worried they are doing well. My mom came over to Dublin the week I went to Puerto Rico to help a bit so that was great.
• Mike and I have started couple therapy and I think it is helping. I have been positively surprised by the fact that Mike seems to be putting a lot of effort in, also for himself and see if he can overcome some emotional hurdles he clearly has and that clash completely with my needs. Lets give it some more time.

How have you all been?

It's not Oliver, it's us

We went to see a children therapist about 10 days ago. The first appointment is called parental intake. We talked to her for 45 min going through a questionnaire we had pre-filled and she was asking additional things. We told her how Oliver can say things so so hurtful (and scary) like I will call the police, tell them you hit me so you go to jail. And how bed time is hell. How we are at the end of the tether we don't know what else to do. The main points we came out with from the session were that her first concern was that Oliver was somewhat above average for academic intelligence and that this is a problem as we forget he is only 5. While this seems a good thing, for a child and his parents it isn't. I't very difficult to parent a child that to you sounds more and more like a teenager and not a child. The next thing was that we treat Martina and Oliver much the same while Martina is still a toddler (even though we definitely don't see her as a toddler) and Oliver is a school boy. That really we should treat them differently, they should go to bed at different times and possibly be separated in different rooms (they love sleeping in the same room but we know this is one of the reasons why bedtime is hell...they wind each other up..). She also said we need to be much firmer in our parenting, not engage in any negotiation, we are those in charge, not him. We should also not reward normal behaviour (say it is normal that a child does not run around a shop, rewarding him when he does behave well in a shop is not ok). And that we should let them watch more television. Not games on the iPad (Oliver gets 5 minutes at the weekend only) but cartoons are ok. I suppose we just don't watch television during the day, we have one television in the sitting room and that's it, but she said actually letting the children watch a cartoon in the evening after dinner is calming and watching tv with them is an opportunity to talk about what's going on in the cartoon. She mentioned she may recommend that Oliver should be assessed and possibly we could be referred to a psychiatric clinic...

So I came out with a splitting headache and my heart weighing a ton. We decided to implement straight away the staggered bed time. We thought it was going to be hell but actually it's as if we discovered a new world. Oliver loves having a little longer downstairs and Martina is tired anyway. Mike was perfectly capable of doing this on his own too and Oliver in a matter of 3 days became a different child. And I mean the total opposite. Obedient, understanding. We made clear there will be treats twice a week and only linked to good behaviour and again that worked beautifully. Bed time no longer lasts 2 hours but it's 20 min per child. Seriously if someone had told me this would work I would not have believe it.

And we went back today, the idea is that we go in first, tell her about the week then Oliver goes in. Only things went a bit differently. We talked beforehand that we should tell her we are having issues in our marriage too (we didn't say this the first time). So after a round up of our amazing progress (she was delighted, had met Oliver in the waiting room already and thought he was your normal friendly child) Mike told her about our difficulties. She asked us to talk to her about it and basically in the end she said that maybe it's us needing therapy. We chatted some more, I told her how things have changed for me, about the lack of support I feel, how Mike has rarely be the person I would confide in and now not at all. We touched on a few points like forgetting birthdays, upbringing etc. Looks like next week she will see only us. She did spend about 20 min with Oliver and when she came out she said he is the most normal, though likely above average for intelligence and she doesn't need to see him again for a few weeks. So here we go, it's couple therapy for us.

The land of Robin Hood

Well, it's week two, my second trip over and I love it. I love the little apartment I have and I love the area I am in. The first impression is how clean the city is. Separate recycling facilities at every corner, this is amazing! And the city is very small, I'd say about the size of one of the towns in the suburbs of Dublin, so everything is very near and commuting is super easy. From where I live at the moment to the University I have 5 stops on the tram line...like 10 minutes top, and for £1.70!! And the tram line is just outside the door. Traffic is clearly a fraction of what I would call "traffic" in Dublin...here it's about as busy as it is in Dublin at weekends or school holidays.

My plan is to get a bike hopefully next week and use that one instead of the tram. And the university has secure bike storage areas one can access only with the staff card. Amazing. I will have to look for a more permanent accommodation of course and now I have a much better idea what we can get and where. Despite the fact that I'm not in the city centre, very near me there is a 24h very large convenience store I can walk to (or one tram top). It feels very very safe and friendly too. Evenings are very quiet, maybe it will be more lively as the days stretch more, not that we ever went out that much of course but still one may want to at some point.

The children don't like my travelling much and neither do I. Specially the way Oliver has acted out recently (we have an appointment with a child psychologist on the 3rd of March). We had another very bad episode last staurday, full blown violent tantrum which he just could not control. And then he was a model child the day after. Go figure. I talked to the mother of one of his school friends, mostly I wanted to see if the friend would say something about Oliver's behaviour in school, and she told me they are going through exactly the same with her son...violent tantrums he never had before, zero listening, extremely bad behaviour when they are outside etc. We can't understand what's happening, they also were thinking of getting some external advice. We now wonder if it's something in school. There is a boy who is very physical and often sits on the "thinking chair" and apparently is really disobedient to the teacher also. We will have a parents-teacher meeting next week I think so we will ask.

And that's all for now my friends, I am doing well otherwise, anxiety settled completely, with Mike things are ok, I think he understand more the situation, I love my independence and freedom but I always look forward to going back home. Let's see how it goes once we all move here.

2016

And we turned another page of the calendar! We are still in Italy at my parents, not too easy at times but not bad either. We will be back in Dublin on the 3rd. Mike and I sleep at my sisters most nights but all is calm. I try to be affectionate but that's all I manage and we had not further talk.

Oliver turned 5 today, can you believe this? He is a very good child most of the time but can still be impossible. I hope next year I will be able to say we have finally gotten over the tantrums (much much rarer thankfully). He seems to need very little sleep, and that worries my a bit, mostly because I am certain when he sleeps less he also much more prone to silly behaviour. He is highly articulated and has a great memory so we have to be quite careful as silly distractions doesn't work at all anymore.

Martina is the sweetest girl, so so affectionate and just a very content child. Long may this last!

And I'm looking forward to the new year, I hope it will bring some clarity and calm in my mind, I am sure that moving will be great too and will give me so much to look forward to.

I wish you all much love and I feel blessed to have you to share my journey.

Ask me if I'm happy

This is the title of an Italian movie I really liked (and I think it sounds better in Italian than in English, but ah well).

So what's new. Not much. The teaching term is over, now one week of apparent calm and then exams will storm the buildings like every year. It will be over too eventually.
Mike is back to his normal self. No real conversation since, he is still doing things for the move, looking for a job, making arrangements for early January to go over etc. Our talking is back to trivial and day to day stuff. We did the shopping for Christmas on line for the children and he did most of the research which was good.

Yesterday we went out for lunch. For the first time in years I'd say we had a baby sitter and we went with friends into town for a catch up and a bite to eat. It was nice, we get on very well with them and yet it felt to me I was acting all the time. Acting to be happy in my relationship, acting to be interested in the upcoming wedding of two of our friends, acting to cheer the news of the third pregnancy of another common friend. They all looked so so happy...
When we came home we put up the Christmas tree (never one of my favourite things to do really) and I was looking at Mike and the children fluffing up the branches (we have a very expensive, very real looking fake tree) and putting up the decoration and I was feeling so much sadness... I'm sure it's also hormonal but still. I so wish I could share that happiness that lightness of the heart...while I just wished I was somewhere else. And this is so so heavy on me, I feel totally responsible for the lack of enthusiasm, for again feeling very much alone (I worry a lot about the move and just keep it to myself, Mike never asks), completely preoccupied with things other than the family and it's not right. I started thinking it will be the last Christmas in this house for sure, got a bit emotional. When I told Mike he said "let's make it a good one" and he is right, I just don't know where to find the magic dust...

The talk

I brought the children to Italy the last weekend of October and I flew back late on monday while they stayed with my parents till the following thursday. I had a super time, talked a lot with my sister and my best friend and things became even clearer.

I was not set on having a "talk" as such but it somehow happened and there was the right occasion. It started with Mike coming to pick me up at the airport. This would not be too unusual but the fact that he parked the car and actually came inside the terminal definitely was. I thanked him and commented that it was unusual and he said "really?". Yes, really.

We drove into work together and I started asking some questions about his work and the move to the UK and he was yet again completely disengaged on all fronts. So I thought I could not let the opportunity go by and really opened up my soul about how I felt and how little supported I have been feeling all along. He was very quiet. We (I) talked about feelings and emotions, and how I don't feel loved at all, I reported several examples throughout the years and he could only agree that this and that was really not a nice thing to say/do. We talked some more in the evening, I made clear that I don't want to break up the family but I feel very much trapped in a situation where I am alone in most of the important decisions, that I am the one pulling us everywhere, that I don't see him having much of an aspiration for himself in just about anything that goes on. I asked him what does he want for himself and he didn't know. He was clearly shaken and I felt this huge relief of finally having told him. The main points were the lack of sharing thoughts and feelings, the really just having sex was what made us different from the rest of the people we know, and our very different understanding of loving. I don't feel at all we are partners.

A couple of days went by with little conversation of any relevance, the children came back, my parents were here for a few days so not much happening.

Then he emailed me one day last week saying he was barely keeping it together and could we talk some more. So we did of course, I'm never the one that doesn't want to talk. Again it felt like I was the only one talking but I suppose he just wanted to understand more how I felt. In the end it was clear that he missed more the fact that I was no longer affectionate and I explained that I have no problem being affectionate, but not sexual because I can hardly have sex with someone I feel doesn't get me much at all. He accepted that I think. He asked me what I would have done if we had no children, would I have left him? I pointed out I clearly have a very poor track record in the way I choose partners, but that probably I still would have tried to talk to him and get him to at least understand how I feel. I don't know if I can bring back any feelings other than deep family love (but not like a brother, he asked that, no it's much more than that).

Since then he suddenly found a new enthusiasm about the move (he is looking for schools for the children, jobs etc) and went back running. I'm glad for him, I hope he is not doing it just for me.

Unsettled boardeline unhappy

It's been a while.

September is over and there was my birthday (forgotten by Mike yet again till the evening) and his (remembered as always). I bought myself my birthday present on his behalf. I carefully chose his present.

I am not happy. Not so much about the birthdays but about the overall feelings and lack of connection. I don't even want to try an fix it which I think it's what is mostly unsettling. I have had these feelings yet again to hop on a plane and take a break from family life. Just be on my own for a few days. At least.

We talk normally about nothing important. Sex is to a minimum and I don't enjoy it at all. It actually annoys me the way he touches me, I just want it to be over with. He doesn't seem to mind, or is not interested or he just doesn't want to talk about it. That's our norm. It has always been our norm.

He has not even started looking for jobs in the UK. Asked me when I think he should start looking...as if he is like....12 or so. I'm so so tired.

The children are at least mostly great. Oliver loves school and while he has to get up much earlier than normal, he is quite ok. Only every evening when I come home (generally minutes after Mike and the children are home) I find him screaming his head off as he is doing time-out for a reason or another. Every. Evening. Every. Evening. So I don't know if every time he deserves this time out but it is clearly not working as it takes three times longer, he is in a fit, we are all stressed out. This morning was not a good one either. Himself and Mike were "doing a race" about getting dressed. Mike won (no comments here). Oliver cried (again it's not normal crying, it's shouting, hitting things etc) for about 20 minutes until I lost my patience and shouted at him back...not proud I know, I do this more often than I would like to admit...but he doesn't hear any reason when he is in such a state. And my day feels completely ruined. Or at least really on a bad start. On the drive to school I tried talking to him, asked him why he was behaving this way ("I don't know") and that I didn't know how to help him. Martina is 2.5 and way more reasonable. Not sure I am doing a good job at all as a mom, certainly not as a wife, and I'm doubting I'm even a good friend to anyone at this moment in time.

Ghent

I am back from almost a week in Belgium in this jewel of a town where the conference was. Like the last time in Spain my parents joined me and so I brought Oliver who is now the best traveller and quite a funny companion.

My talk was on wednesday and I did a lot of fruitful networking. Hopefully something good will come out. There was also the big boss of the place where I applied a couple of weeks ago. He was really nice and paid me lots of compliment after my talk, but said nothing at all about the position (he knows very well I have applied, but it would have been quite unprofessional to talk about it given that they are shortlisting now). So I am no wiser. I will apply to a position in UC Davis also, a very long shot but why not?

Martina had a great time with Mike and today we were all reunited (last night we arrived back that she was asleep) and happy!

That's it from me for the moment, story time is calling and I have to go!

So much going on

Well well well, I can't believe we are already week 3 done out of 12 of this academic semester. Things are well, quite hectic but not too bad, I have started looking around in case a position in a different University comes up....and what do you know, just across the waters they seem to be looking specifically for someone with my background....So I'm putting in my cv and see what happens. It is a bit scary of course but much more than that it is truly exciting. Mike would have a ton of opportunities too and going somewhere where the cost of living and housing is reasonable would be a very welcome change. My colleagues don't know anything, way too soon and maybe nothing will come out of this.
In other news I went to a gynaecologist yesterday that came highly recommended by my wonderful OB. Practically, since before the summer, my cycles have been a bit all over the place. Varying between 23 and 32 days, spotting for a week before the period start and on one occasion I spotted for a week after the real period had stopped. I don't think there is anything major, but no harm in having myself checked out. So I went and it could just be my age though my latest blood tests didn't indicate at all that my fertile days were over (buuhhhahhhahhhaaahhhh) and to be honest the thought of going on some form of pill or coil when I have no tubes sounds plain ridiculous. The gyn was quite happy with the internal visit and suggested a scope to make sure I have no polyps that may be causing the spotting. I'm waiting to be called to have that done and then we'll see.
The children are great, we had a tough time with Oliver about a week ago, he was really acting up even in school, we were really upset and totally lost as to what to do. One day the teacher told me that Oliver spat in the class. Twice. He then did his time "on the chair", apologised and it was it. I was so upset with him I could barely talk. We had no major talk about it, he knew he went too far and that night I didn't even manage to read him a story. Magically from the day after, he went back to be a lovely child! Well behaved and sweet!! So I'm not sire what the lesson from this is...less is more?
How are you all doing?

And 40 it was!

So yesterday was my birthday! I had a lovely day, we went out for an early dinner with the children in one of my favourite restaurants and we loved the food as always.

Thinking back at all happened in the past 20 years feels like I could write a book. Here the highlights:

Education/Career: Got my MSc and then PhD, moved to Ireland for a post doc in a different field which made me "the" candidate for an academic position in an interdisciplinary field. Got tenure and then even got promoted, graduated 7 PhD students and 3 MSc students, published my work and got invited to write my first review as a sole author in my field for a prestigious journal (as opposed to the tens of invitations to write reviews on random things for obscure journals!)

Family Life: Got married, bought a house, then divorced and sold the house, moved to Ireland and met Mike, bought a house, got married (for life this time!) and we worked really hard to build our family. I manage not to drown in despair after two ectopics both of which followed IVF treatments, we got and lost two cats, I went through 6 embryo transfers before finally having Oliver. We adjusted to the new routine of a family of three and then with another round of IVF we got Martina. Together with Carlito the cat, our family is complete. We travelled a lot, Europe, Japan and the US. Sure it was not always easy but we are still together and stronger.

If the next 20 years will be half as interesting I certainly cannot complain. I wish for us to keep loving each other, to stay healthy, to cherish life and stay united as a family. I hope the first 20 years of the children will be full of loving memories even though I'm sure their next 20 years will be more exciting. I fear at times what if I am not going to be there to see them growing up, I wish I knew they will be safe and good teenagers, that whatever mistakes they will be making will not be too terrible and just part of growing up and learning.

She does not remember

I am on holidays in Italy. One more week till we return and already I had to endure comments and sighs from my mother on our educative methods with Oliver (having him to do 3 minutes time out if he misbehaves). On the other side my father is getting on my nerves as he takes the liberty of correcting Oliver on hideous things (which way you are supposed to roll up the spaghetti on the fork, pretending we don't throw the ball him while he tries to hit it with a racked because "that way he will never learn" etc).

This evening was one of those evening that Oliver was throwing a tantrum as he didn't want to do time out which was given to him after he had pushed his cousin (same age as Martina) for no reason whatsoever. Imagine one of those tantrums you can hear from two streets down. Mike was standing his ground and kept pausing the timer every time he wasn't sitting in the chair. My mother was behaving like we were torturing him. To which I said "what do you think we should be doing? Give in any time he says no?" and she answered "Certainly you have never been given such punishments, he doesn't even know why he is punished." I said "because when I was misbehaving I was getting a slap from dad, without that much talking". She looked bewildered and said in all my life I only got a slap on the bum and one on the face.

Now, yes I agree, I have not been beaten with a belt or anything like it, it's not like I was getting slapped every day, but I certainly got my fair share of slaps which I lived as a true violence as I wrote about a while back. I apparently pointed out the one slap she remembered when I was about 16 at friends' house and let her sit a bit on the fact that such a thing would not be normal if someone doesn't do it on other occasions too. She went so far to ask my sister who was sitting at the table (my father was out) if she remembered me being physically punished, and she just didn't answer. She always hated being put in the middle and so took no side. My mother said "we'll ask dad when he comes back". To which I said "whatever". She didn't say anything to him when he returned but they are out now, I'm sure for a chat. Oh how much I hate this. I know he will also not remember, I know he will want to convince me that nothing like I remember ever happened. What can I tell you, I know what matters is how I perceived my childhood, at least this is what I have been told by more than one psychologist.

Martina is 11 month old, Oliver is back to tantrums, and we are back from Italy

We had ten days in Italy, it was lovely as usual. We had lots to celebrate, our wedding anniversary (seven years!), my parents anniversary (forty!) and my niece first birthday.
But I have a couple of things to get off my chest, you are warned!

Oliver somewhat regressed to bold behaviour, really pushing buttons with us (you know...mocking us, saying "no!" to anything you tell him to do etc) travelling with him this time was an absolute pain... we had to drag him across the airports, he was shouting as if he was being skinned, we had to find a chair (or his suitcase) to give him timeout a few times. Awful. While in Italy, he took my bamboo stylus for the iPad, broke it and threw it in the bin without us realising anything at all,  only saw it was gone from my iPad. He was so so good for a long time and we are back to this behaviour...it's very very tiring...hopefully it'll pass soon.

My niece's father started getting under my skin too. He is ridiculously anxious about the child (I know I'm anxious, but he beats me hands down), everything is a huge deal (a bit of a teary eye, a sneeze, a little cry...) and he started giving out to Oliver if he thought he was misbehaving. This practice of educating other people's children is really annoying, specially when I'm there too. Just to give you an example; this child must be alone when she eats or, they say, won't touch food. So Oliver had to leave the kitchen (at my parents') and the door had to be closed.
He was also obviously reared with rude language on every day agenda for normal conversation and he would be quite freely talking in that way even when the children are around, oblivious to the fact that that is very rude. Thankfully he left for Paris and we had a few days without the drama.

And now for the nice bits.
I met my junior high school friends after 26 years...I was actually a bit nervous, we have not kept in touch so I was not sure what to expect. Also, our paths are very different which sometimes can make things awkward. But it was a fabulous evening! Lots of fun and laughter, we have now created a whatsapp group and we chat every day! We will meet again in May hopefully, I am so happy I reconnected! In May will also meet my senior high school friends...hopefully it'll be another pleasant event.

Martina is 11 month today which means we have a birthday to celebrate in a month! I don't think we'll do a party or anything, just probably a cake for the four of us. She is doing really well, her sleep has improved so so much I feel like I'm breathing again. She can still wake of course, but sure Oliver can do it too, it is very manageable. So I'm planning to go to the conference I went to two years ago in Boston, and it's no longer an impossible dream! I'm very happy!! Will look this week for flights, I will not be able to stay much longer than the conference and this is unfortunately not in the city but in a quite isolated campus, but do let me know if you are in that neighbourhood from the 6th to the 11th of July!!

Happy third birthday!

Oliver is sound asleep, oblivious of the new year celebration going on outside. Martina was awake for the...third (or was it fourth?) time since she went down at 8.30 but did sleep at midnight so we celebrated with a glass of fruit juice like three years ago when I had just been induced. I'd like to make it our tradition. We are at my parents' place, my sister thought herself and Clarissa could come over and we could have dinner and wait for midnight together. However, with small children it's impossible to make plans like this, we had the three of them asleep by 9 (the girls were down for 8.30 and Oliver took that bit longer) and then the two girls woke up in rotation to the point that at 10 we decided to just eat when we could! Ah well, maybe next year.

And today my boy is three. He will wake up in the morning and we have his favourite cake ready and a couple of little presents, I can't wait to see his face and take some pics!

Of course Happy New Year to you all my friends, may this be a good one for everyone.

Sleep, Love and Pray

This has to be the longest I have not blogged without the excuse of being on holidays. So I have adapted the famous book title to my own needs for a bullet point update.

Sleep. Not. Happening. I can feel I am at the end of my rope here, getting up at 6.30 with a full day of teaching, labs, meetings, research etc AFTER waking up 3-4-5 times a night will eventually take its toll. not every night. Some nights Martina will wake twice at the most. There is NO PATTERN. Last saturday night she woke every hour starting at 4am. Two nights ago she woke at 4 for a feed and then slept till 7.30. Her days are great, she is bubbly, happy and sleeps two/three naps no problem, of appropriate length. At least now for the last while she wakes at night but does not stay awake long at all. I know she will grow out of it eventually, it's not knowing when that will happen that is a killer.

Love. I love my family so much, I love what we have become and how we are growing together. I love watching the children interact, Oliver loves Martina and she thinks he is the most entertaining thing alive.He can do no wrong to her, even when I think he is a bit rough, she laughs her head off and wants more. He speaks to her in Italian most of the time, maybe because I of course do the same and he must think that is the only language she knows! And Oliver is really so sweet and I love how fascinated he is by all the things around him. Did I tell you that one day in the car he asked me "Mamma, where do the clouds go?" and he is fully bilingual, mixing and matching phrases at times and really trying hard to remember new long and difficult words.

At the beginning of November a little imaginary elf called Lenny joined our house. I want to make this a tradition for the time leading up to Christmas, when Santa sends his helpers to check on the children and their behaviour. Our Lenny is a nice, not scary looking elf, that eats coco pops and has a book to keep notes. He will at times be a bit naughty and perhaps tie a not in the leg of Oliver's pj, or put a sock in the sleeve of his jacket! But he can also be very good and rewarding if Oliver has been particularly good and on a couple of nights he put a small chocolate square on Oliver's pillow! We have a picture of him on our fridge door.

Pray. If you have followed my blog for a while you know that this year has been particularly tough for Mike's family. First a cousin of his passed away suddenly around March. Then another cousin was diagnosed with lung and liver cancer (thankfully she is in remission which is some miracle), then his mam was in and out of hospital all summer with some sort of an infection which did not seem to ever go away. More recently an uncle (the father of the cousin that passed away) had some major surgery and went into cardiac arrest. They had to shock him 6 times to bring him back. He has turned a corner and on his way to recovery. Finally, Mike's mam is back in hospital as of last friday. I wrote about her here and here and unfortunately she is going to loose her second leg. More clots have formed and there is nothing more that can be done. Surgery is scheduled for tomorrow. They will try and save the knee, however I can't imagine how she will manage. She never really walked again even with the one prosthesis, so with two it will be just plain impossible. As the news came through yesterday that this was the course of action, we rushed to the hospital, only to find a very happy and positive mother-in-law, looking forward to be done with the pain and joking how she will in fact be able to fly again and go on holidays (she couldn't fly anymore since her circulation in the remaining leg was still so compromised). If you ever think your situation is bad and don't think you can cope, I will happily pass on her phone number, she is out of this world. We know her GP totally screwed up when she went to him with pains in her leg last week and he dismissed her after feeling her calf and saying there was nothing to worry about. He didn't check for pulse, just sent her on her way. The day after she decided to come up to Dublin and get herself checked in. It was too late. There is apparently an 8 hours window where clots could have been resolved with heparin drips and she missed it. If it was me, I would be on to a lawyer and sue the GP. Nope, not MIL. She said she was certainly disappointed with his care and she will change doctor. No point in fussing over what has been done, the outcome won't change. I wish I had her attitude. Please spare some thoughts and prayers as she faces this new challenge.

Back to work

I'm in my office. It was still dark when I left the house, raining miserably, children both asleep. I have been awake since 3.30am, Martina woke for her feed and took one hour and fifteen minutes to get her back to sleep. Meanwhile, Oliver also woke and paid us a visit. He had not had enough to eat at dinner (ahh the muffins at 5pm weren't a great idea) and so was hungry. Mike looked after him and relocated to his bedroom at about 5.30. I was still awake though feeling the sleepiness slowly taking over...about 30 minutes before the alarm was due to go off. And then I was up. And everyone still asleep. It's hard thinking I'm not there and Martina will definitely have woken up by now and no morning cuddle with mamma.
I know many of my American friends and working moms would have gone back months ago, I didn't find it this hard with Oliver, but Martina is so much younger.
I will be home by 4pm. Not long.

A holiday, a nanny and a bit of a routine

We are going back to Italy on thursday for a couple of weeks, I really look forward to it but Mike's mam is in the hospital (again) and it's always worrying being away when she is not well. Hopefully she will recover soon, she has been having recurrent infections for the last few weeks and every time it is a big blow to her health. They don't seem to find a therapy that gives her time to recover and as soon as she is back home, she has to go right back in. Please spare a thought for her.

As time is flying by so quickly this time, I realised that I don't want Martina to go to the creche in November, she will be still small I feel and if we can find a way to keep her at home for a little longer it would be better. So in the space of a night I thought of a plan. I have to go back to work in the middle of October for the second half of the teaching semester (6 weeks) but then I can take my annual leave which will bridge me to Christmas holiday and teaching term doesn't start till the third week in January. If we could get a nanny short term for those 6 weeks then Martina would actually get 3 more months at home and we can probably manage to delay her going to the creche till the beginning of February. Well, one of the girls who was working in Oliver's room and for whom I had great respect, quitted a few months ago as she is studying for an MSc in education (and wasn't really getting on well with the manager) so I manage to get in touch with her and she was delighted to work for us! We have not discussed details yet because she went to Greece for a month and we all be back early September for a proper plan. I really hope it works out, she is quite local to where we live and always gave me the impression she loved her job and was very grounded. So fingers crossed! It will be a bit of stretch economically to be honest, but it's for a short time and we have some savings.

As for Martina's routine, so far I have been working on her sleep (no matter where or how it happens) and I now manage to have her in her bed asleep by 9.30 pm. Then she usually wakes around 1.30 am, nurses 10 minutes and is asleep again for a variable time which is longer if she is in my bed. So that's where she stays. Then I try to have her nap in the morning, after lunch and again late afternoon, but she is a cat napper and sleeps for 45 minutes top (on two occasions she slept for 2 hours at lunch time). And Mina is right, no point in stressing about how she will do once in the creche or with the nanny, she will adjust of course so I'm not stressing over it, just trying to organise the day a bit. Now she has a cold/cough combo which is making her miserable, poor baby.
I'm still breastfeeding her, in fact at some point last week she ditched the shield! Happily feeding without them...till my nipples were in bits again...unbelievable...I got a lactation consultant in on friday and she thought Martina may have a tongue tie and I got a referral to have it release. But then I mulled it over and I don't actually think that's true, or not severe enough that snipping it will have any effect, and my friend the paediatric surgeon will come to the house tomorrow to have a look at her himself (he doesn't believe she has it at all in fact) and then decide what to do if anything at all. I'm back on the lanolin and shields and within a few days I was  pain free again, so we keep going till it lasts I suppose. She is 17 weeks today!

Oliver is back to being the sweetest boy I knew, he's now going to bed with no issues, in fact quite happy, kisses Martina good night and sweet dreams (in Italian!) and tells her he's going to bed too! A good night sleep works wonders for him (and anyone in fact) so now his days are happier and much more enjoyable for all involved. Long may it last.

I will check on you my friends, I'll be back early September, be good!

Good news on the family front

I really thought this news deserved to be blogged about. You may remember that a short while ago one of Mike's cousins was diagnosed with cancer of the lungs that had spread to the liver. Getting updates on how she was doing was a bit difficult because as I'm sure you can imagine her family was devastated and it's not easy to call and ask. I manage to get in touch via messages on FB with another cousin whose parents are in closer contact with her and she had told me that the latest news was bleak, a consultant had told the girl and her mom that the prognosis was very poor and spared no details...Then she was admitted to hospital about 10 days ago as she caught an infection and was in isolation. This meant that she could not go in for a scan and the second cycle of treatment till she was stabilised. Anyway, yesterday the news spread like fire that her scan was as close to a miracle as it comes, lungs were clear and the liver almost clear!! We are all thrilled, of course we know that this is a small victory in a long battle, but I don't think anyone, including the doctors, were expecting such a result. I texted her immediately and she was really upbeat and positive she can win this battle, going into the next round of chemo knowing it's working is just that much easier.
Thank you for your positive thoughts, I was telling her there was a big underground network supporting her that she didn't even know about!