On edge

It's been a week since the last bleed as so far nothing. I'm kind of expecting it you know. but maybe the SCH is really gone so everything may just have settled fine.
Also I have started reducing my steroids intake, so for the whole week I've been down to 20mg rather than 25. I still have the moon-face. Did I mention that of course we had pics taken for the college website just a few days ago? I look like a monster. Seriously. Professionally taken pics. Nothing I can do about it. Of course I had forgotten about it till I got a reminder from the secretary the day the photographer was coming. I didn't have make up on (I never do, but I would have made the effort to try and look a bit more presentable), my hair looks like they badly need some colouring and restyle and I wasn't even dressed properly. But ah well, I am just hoping that maybe if I pay for it myself I can get another one taken when I'm in better shape...

Tomorrow I'll be 10 weeks. Incredibly for me these past couple of weeks have flown by. Tonight would be the last PIO shot, but as I have only three more vials left in the box I thought I'd finish them on Sunday instead. As of tomorrow I'll drop the steroids to 15mg for the whole week. I tried to read when is it that people with only mild borderline ANA values are stopping them and I found anything between 8 weeks and 20 and it's never really clear how high the dose has to be either. Of course in my case I know it worked to be on 25mg for 11 weeks with Oliver and tapering down to nothing by week 12, but if I have to say I believe I really need them at all it would be a stretch. Same as the intralipid. I didn't do it at all with Oliver and there was no issue whatsoever. In any case, 15mg of pred is still what some clinics recommend as standard dose so I'm covered and the critical phase is just after implantation anyway. No matter what, that phase I have passed and Phoenix hopefully is still growing happily.

Next week I'm going to Italy for 5 days, I'll bring Oliver with me while Mike will stay behind, and we'll stay at my parents. I haven't seen them since Easter but everything is fine between us now. Let's see how this stay goes. I should be able to squeeze in a scan while there, with my dad's OB friend, and then, if all goes well, when I'm back I'll book the NT scan. Next time we'll go to Italy will be after Christmas, this year we will spend Christmas in Ireland and I will cook our first Christmas meal (no turkey and ham!!) for just the three of us. I am really looking forward to start building our own tradition!

Oliver is great, has a cough which makes him sleep poorly but we never have to get up at night (we hear him coughing through the monitor) and has started putting two words together! He loves to hug both of us at the same time while we give him kisses, his face is just glowing, and we do that every day. Yesterday he also had his first bruised knee! I should take a picture of it for future memories. I was thinking that while it was so much easier to handle him when he was smaller, now he so much more fun and I can't wait for him to talk properly!

And you know, yesterday was Mike's 40th birthday! Of course I remembered and we had a nice dinner with cake and all, you can't hold a grudge for too long!

Apple Bug!

I have always been a pc gal. Well, Cali changed me radically!! I really like Apple product, just not laptops and computers (I mean...I didn't!) and I of course know it's a matter of habit, but the things that bugs me the most is the incompatibility between programmes and the occasional glitch between the same programmes which are share between pc and Mac. Some of my students have Macs and let me tell you, it definitely takes longer to write up stuff between us.
In any case, when you travel to the States, you can't help but notice that every second person will use a Mac. And there's no question, they are awesome (see...the American in me coming out!). But still I would not have really gone for it. Till I calculated that in dollars, the cost of a super fab Mac Book Air would have been over 20% cheaper than if I bought it in Europe. Irresistible. So of course, as a newbie at the Apple Store in Boston, I got the full intro on the machine, which is of course very straight forward and let me tell you, I'm in LOVE! Now, I have not made the full switch yet (and I'm still learning), too much stuff on the work laptop, but I'm keeping this new toy for home, blogging, surfing etc. I'm really glad I got it, I got the feeling there will be many more in the future!!

On FET news, I have started PIO and pessaries, all going well, I'm going to take friday off and just chill. Mike should be taking Oliver to his parents on Saturday so I will have another day with very little to do. Three more sleeps!

2010

Really? Is it already the time for my new adventure? How did it happen? Rewind....

Well, HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all my dear friends, I've been commenting a bit on your blogs whenever my sister was letting me using her laptop, but never really had enough time to post. 

We are still on the mountains but today was the last skiing day and with freezing temperatures and two million people queuing at the lifts we decided to call it a day a bit earlier. We go back to my parents place tomorrow and fly back to Dublin on monday. I can't believe this amazing break is over already!

So I have now a bit more on the IF front to share with you. I've been on the pill for nearly a week now, no side effect like water retention this time, but it could be also due to the activity and the cold temperatures. Anyway, I can't complain. Like the last time I've started having anxiety attacts (ie hypocondriac flashes) at night, where I wake up thinking I have the worse desease you can think of. In the morning, fully rational, I'm fine. Of course I know this happens to me every time I have something important to start and to much time in my hands, but still....it sucks. I found that while I am in bed awake sick with worries, I am able to go through the very basic techniques of meditation and relax a good bit until I fall asleep again. Any suggestion on this front is very much appreciated of course.

My last pill will be in just two weeks time and the baseline scan on the 21st! Brign it on, I'm ready! Or...am I? Like the last time I find it hard to put hope and energy into the upcoming cycle and I am debating what to do if it fails...thoughts at night are grey and I am worried that my tubes where the place my embryos liked to nest and won't like my uterus at all...or that I won't repond to stims this time or that hey will get very few eggs...there surely is a point when your age plays a role and I'm thinking that in my two fresh cycles I have given to IVF a total 25 eggs (but over 40 follicles!)...that's like...over three years of normal production, plus the months that I have ovulated anyway (thankfully I seem to have very normal cycles despite IVFs). I'm guessing that my ovaries have aged at least 4 years in the last 18 months...so technically they are now much older than me!! See? This is the kind of thing that scares the shit out of me. Than the rational me puts everything in perspective during the day.

I am also very curious to find out my protocol this time. Certainly I want to make sure my progesterone support will NOT include crin.one! I don't mind the PIOs really so I'll insist on those. Different year, different months, tubeless approach, come on, I need to know I have better chances this time, I think I'll call the Favourite Doctor next week!

Dreams

Your comments were so encouraging, I actually felt much better. Thank you all for being so kind and supporting, I know it seems like I'm worrying too much, but with the previous experience it's really not easy to just relax and enjoy. Spotting is gone for the moment in any case.

Beta is tomorrow and I just want to believe it'll be ok.

Yesterday I called the clinic, the after hours number as they are not open at weekends. First of all it was my official testing day so I thought, what the hell, might as well see what they think about the spotting...but..I got connected to the doctor that did my blood test on friday! So all my plans went a bit out the window! I told her I repeated the test and that it looked stronger, but that the spotting was really doing my head in...that I never spotted before and could it be the progesterone not enough? She actually said that I may be spotting for the very good reason that THIS time I am pregnant "properly"! Lovely isn't she? Absolutely my favourite doctor! Because I have tons of PIO at home that I could feed an army, I suggested to go back and use them, she agreed and so my current therapy has changed to cyclo.gest 400 twice a day (morning and afternoon) and PIO in the evening. Last night we did the first one and of course I didn't quite remember that they are not that fun! But sure it'll be worth it, I hope!
I do feel very tired and I think some other symptom is kicking in...like a very acute sense of smell!

Finally, I had such a sweet dream last night I thought I'll share it. I dreamt of a very very small baby (apparently the son of a very old friend of mine who I haven't seen in years and as far as I know has no children at all) who was giving me small kisses on the nose! And in the dream I was saying to this friend that I was pregnant and that I would hope my child would be just as cute. Sure, dreams may mean nothing but when they are bad you do wake up with an odd feeling, this one was a good one, let's hope it does mean something!

Intralipid and progesterone

This morning I went into town to get my intralipid infusion. I realise I never really explained what it is for so here it goes another little science lesson! (taken from the info material I got from the clinic by the way)

"Evidence from both animal and human studies suggest that intralipid adminstered intravenously may enhance implantation and help mantain pregnancy. Intralipid is a 20% intravenous fat emulsion used routinely as a source of fat and calories for patient requiring intravenous nutrition. It is composed of 10% soybean oil, 1.2% egg yolk phospholipids, 2.25% glycerine and water. Intralipid stimulate the immune system to remove "danger signals" that can lead to pregnancy loss. The appeal for intralipid lies in the fact that it is relatively inexpensive and is not a blood product. Its likely benefit to IVF patients with immunologic disfunction is still under evaluation".

So basically, given that I had some borderline values in my preliminary immune-profile they recommend I take it anyway as the full treatment (2 dose at day 8 of the cycle, one in the 2ww and one at some point if I get a BFP) is cheaper than very expensive blood tests which are done in only 3 labs in the World (!!) and that would confirm if I really need it or not. The same ordeal of the needles repeated itself, I just couldn't believe it that despite the promises of having various size needles for this time around, despite me reminding the coorinator when she phone last tuesday to move my appointment a day earlier, despite the fact that the words "relatively inexpensive" really means it costs a good bit and it ain't covered, I still had to be tortured. Because that was it. Three bursted veins later the doctor only put in half the cannula to get around the problem and it worked. I actually suggested it like the worst junky on Hearth...I had to explain I had been a paramedic for 6 years and I had a few tricks of my own. I am going to complain though, if they don't have the right equipment I shouldn't pay full price for the treatment. Another worry on my mind was about the progesterone I'm taking this time around. A girl on the local forum, on the same vaginal gel (Crin.one 8%) but no oestrogen tablets, started bleeding way before the testing day and that shook me no end. I went checking all my meds and discovered that one dose of Crin.one gives you 90 mg of progesterone (I take two a day). On my last cycles I was on progesterone pessaries which gave you 400 mg per dose (and I had two a day of those also). My very first cycle, to the pessaries I was adding PIO once a day (50 mg of progesterone but as injections). I never, thankfully started bleeding earlier than the test day even when it was a BFN. But you know, I'm no RE of course, but these numbers don't make sense! I did a bit of reading and it does seem that the formulation of Crin.one is way better than the pessaries and that you do absorb the same amount even though you are on a lower dose. Because I'm at home at the moment I don't have access to the scientific journals i could see if I were in work so my mind was racing. I called the clinic and they said there has not been a single case where switching to Crin.one had made a difference, so basically, IF progesterone works for you and stops your period even if you are in fact not pregnant be reassured that Crin.one will do the same job. And so I decided to believe and my wait to the test day continues...