Another trip to Italy, Martina and CBT update

We are just back from Italy, Oliver and I. Again wonderful time and two school reunions! Some of us have aged better than others but the fun and the ease of chatting with old friends was special.

We came back early this morning, and we found Martina comfortably walking! Baby girl is growing fast, no doubt. She is definitely also teething (again) and she is quite uncomfortable (and I have yet not bought the amber necklace). Mike was saying she wakes at night at least once, but we'll see how it goes now that I'm back.

You might remember a couple of posts ago, I mentioned a physical symptom which I was managing well with no panic. That lasted about 10 days. The no panic state I mean. Then, I started going emotionally downhill. Thankfully I had an appointment booked with Louise (the psychotherapist) and I was crying and making awful movies in my head. The usual ones you know, I don't even want to write them here. She was great, mostly made me talk through the movies, asked why I had not gone to the doctor instead of torturing myself (I don't know, I think I am fighting the urge of going to the doctor when I kind of know I'm blowing things out of proportion), she said that is silly, to just go. I was feeling also very defeated, I thought I was doing so well and then I wasn't at all. She told me this process is like a game of snakes and ladders, you can fall back, but never to the original place. It was a perfect comparison actually, I knew I had the tools to work with this, she said I have to learn to make good movies (if I can't help but making movies). So I went for an executive health check the following week. I was very proud of myself because I managed not to be in a panic mode at all, in fact I was quite relaxed and managed to tell myself that in fact all would have been well. It was all good, thankfully. At my last therapy session last week, I realised I was truly learning to make "good movies" like she said. She also said that her job is to make herself eventually redundant and we are getting there. I am optimistic I am learning to STOPP, to see what triggers the anxiety, and to redirect my mind, like you would do with a child. I am glad I started this process.

Term is over in college and I don't have any other trip till Boston in July (cyberfriends, I have one night in Boston before the conference begins, on the 5th of July, would love to meet anyone who is in the neighbourhood) so will work on catching my breath really and get back to things that were not so urgent but still need to be done now.

I'll leave you with a couple of pics of Bologna for you to enjoy!

Martina is 11 month old, Oliver is back to tantrums, and we are back from Italy

We had ten days in Italy, it was lovely as usual. We had lots to celebrate, our wedding anniversary (seven years!), my parents anniversary (forty!) and my niece first birthday.
But I have a couple of things to get off my chest, you are warned!

Oliver somewhat regressed to bold behaviour, really pushing buttons with us (you know...mocking us, saying "no!" to anything you tell him to do etc) travelling with him this time was an absolute pain... we had to drag him across the airports, he was shouting as if he was being skinned, we had to find a chair (or his suitcase) to give him timeout a few times. Awful. While in Italy, he took my bamboo stylus for the iPad, broke it and threw it in the bin without us realising anything at all,  only saw it was gone from my iPad. He was so so good for a long time and we are back to this behaviour...it's very very tiring...hopefully it'll pass soon.

My niece's father started getting under my skin too. He is ridiculously anxious about the child (I know I'm anxious, but he beats me hands down), everything is a huge deal (a bit of a teary eye, a sneeze, a little cry...) and he started giving out to Oliver if he thought he was misbehaving. This practice of educating other people's children is really annoying, specially when I'm there too. Just to give you an example; this child must be alone when she eats or, they say, won't touch food. So Oliver had to leave the kitchen (at my parents') and the door had to be closed.
He was also obviously reared with rude language on every day agenda for normal conversation and he would be quite freely talking in that way even when the children are around, oblivious to the fact that that is very rude. Thankfully he left for Paris and we had a few days without the drama.

And now for the nice bits.
I met my junior high school friends after 26 years...I was actually a bit nervous, we have not kept in touch so I was not sure what to expect. Also, our paths are very different which sometimes can make things awkward. But it was a fabulous evening! Lots of fun and laughter, we have now created a whatsapp group and we chat every day! We will meet again in May hopefully, I am so happy I reconnected! In May will also meet my senior high school friends...hopefully it'll be another pleasant event.

Martina is 11 month today which means we have a birthday to celebrate in a month! I don't think we'll do a party or anything, just probably a cake for the four of us. She is doing really well, her sleep has improved so so much I feel like I'm breathing again. She can still wake of course, but sure Oliver can do it too, it is very manageable. So I'm planning to go to the conference I went to two years ago in Boston, and it's no longer an impossible dream! I'm very happy!! Will look this week for flights, I will not be able to stay much longer than the conference and this is unfortunately not in the city but in a quite isolated campus, but do let me know if you are in that neighbourhood from the 6th to the 11th of July!!

Back in Dublin and MIL update

I flew back with Martina on Sunday, Oliver didn't even blink when I left (I told him I was going home to pick up dad so we could all come back together) and so far the reports from Italy is that he's having a blast.
Life with just one child is soooooo easy it's unbelievable, we seem to have lots of time to do things (and cuddles wohoohhoo!!) and yes of course we look forward to be 4 again but we are enjoying this break too. Martina is still not sleeping, but as of last sunday I definitely stopped breastfeeding (I was only doing the falling asleep feed for the last while). So her routine (buuhahahhh) is that she has a bottle going to bed and then we let her sleep (if she is in the mood to do so) till she wakes for the night bottle around 1 or 2 and we don't feed her anymore till morning (and she is not that hungry at that time either). Last night I slept with earplugs and at the other side of the bed, Mike looked after her for the night and was exhausted this morning...well, what can I say, I have been doing it for the last 7 and half months, welcome to my world! Our plan of sleep training her this week have gone down the drain, I am so overwhelmed with work between scripts to correct, a paper I'd like to submit, a review I have to do and two projects to write by the end of January, I just cannot face nights of endless crying. So i don't know, we'll just put up with it and hope for some change soon.

I wanted to write an update on MIL. Things took a turn a couple of weeks back and she was in so much pain. They decided they had to do more surgery and amputate above the knee. This was the proverbial straw...she has been very very down since, we asked for the hospital to arrange a councillor as she is definitely not coping with the new situation. Mike was telling me that yesterday she was saying things like "life is not worth living anymore" and I don't think she ever ever said those words, despite all the things she has gone through in life. This evening she seemed a bit better and was talking even on her phone (she was hardly talking to anyone for the last few days), so hopefully she can find some new strength. Please if you can keep he in your thoughts it would be much appreciated. We are living on monday to go to Italy and I know Mike has a heavy heart...

Back from Italy, 20 weeks old, Tracy Hogg

We are back! Flying with the children is fine, so much so that I'm going to go solo with them in December when I'll be off work! And that flight will actually be 2 as I have to go through Hamburg...let's hope for the best.

Our time in Italy was great, Oliver slept with no problems thankfully which made his mood and overall enjoyment of the weather superb.

Clarissa, Oliver and Martina

Martina on the other hand...does not sleep through the night at all, wakes generally between 11.30 and 1 am, then again around 4 and then at 6...not good. At least I now have her in bed by 8.30-9.00 consistently which is something. During the day she can somewhat successfully fall asleep in the stroller (morning and lunchtime) but she cries. I can count on one hand the times that she just fell asleep on her own without crying. It's hard. I'm resisting latching her on during the day for naps (but still do at night time) or we'll never come out of that and I'm going back to work in 6 short weeks...She still cat-naps but I'm working on it, mostly because I know she is not well rested after only 40 minutes.
An update on the tongue-tie. My friend the surgeon doesn't think she has it at all, and when in Italy my parents insisted we brought the children to a peady there (you know...the best in the city, yadayadayada) as Martina was still coughing and my dad was convinced Oliver's knees were converging too much. I want to add that I believed Oliver's legs were physiological and that Martina's chest was clear as we had them both already checked out. Just in case you think we are careless parents too.... Of course we were told by the super paedy exaclty the same things we knew already and he confirmed too that Martina has no tongue tie that can affect bfeeding. In the last few days I have started feeding her again without the shields but being consistent with putting on the lanolin and so far so good. She has also started solids very slowly at lunch time which means we skip a feed and all seems to be going well. She is 20 weeks old today and she is rolling over (back to front and occasionally the other way around too), weighed in at 6.2kg at 19 weeks and is 63 cm long. Very sturdy, I can believe she is "only" 20 weeks old and she looks about 6 month old for alertness and interaction.

 At the table with papà last night

"Reading" a soft book in her bouncer this morning

As of yesterday I have started applying the Tracy Hogg method for Martina's daytime naps...so far Martina is winning...

A holiday, a nanny and a bit of a routine

We are going back to Italy on thursday for a couple of weeks, I really look forward to it but Mike's mam is in the hospital (again) and it's always worrying being away when she is not well. Hopefully she will recover soon, she has been having recurrent infections for the last few weeks and every time it is a big blow to her health. They don't seem to find a therapy that gives her time to recover and as soon as she is back home, she has to go right back in. Please spare a thought for her.

As time is flying by so quickly this time, I realised that I don't want Martina to go to the creche in November, she will be still small I feel and if we can find a way to keep her at home for a little longer it would be better. So in the space of a night I thought of a plan. I have to go back to work in the middle of October for the second half of the teaching semester (6 weeks) but then I can take my annual leave which will bridge me to Christmas holiday and teaching term doesn't start till the third week in January. If we could get a nanny short term for those 6 weeks then Martina would actually get 3 more months at home and we can probably manage to delay her going to the creche till the beginning of February. Well, one of the girls who was working in Oliver's room and for whom I had great respect, quitted a few months ago as she is studying for an MSc in education (and wasn't really getting on well with the manager) so I manage to get in touch with her and she was delighted to work for us! We have not discussed details yet because she went to Greece for a month and we all be back early September for a proper plan. I really hope it works out, she is quite local to where we live and always gave me the impression she loved her job and was very grounded. So fingers crossed! It will be a bit of stretch economically to be honest, but it's for a short time and we have some savings.

As for Martina's routine, so far I have been working on her sleep (no matter where or how it happens) and I now manage to have her in her bed asleep by 9.30 pm. Then she usually wakes around 1.30 am, nurses 10 minutes and is asleep again for a variable time which is longer if she is in my bed. So that's where she stays. Then I try to have her nap in the morning, after lunch and again late afternoon, but she is a cat napper and sleeps for 45 minutes top (on two occasions she slept for 2 hours at lunch time). And Mina is right, no point in stressing about how she will do once in the creche or with the nanny, she will adjust of course so I'm not stressing over it, just trying to organise the day a bit. Now she has a cold/cough combo which is making her miserable, poor baby.
I'm still breastfeeding her, in fact at some point last week she ditched the shield! Happily feeding without them...till my nipples were in bits again...unbelievable...I got a lactation consultant in on friday and she thought Martina may have a tongue tie and I got a referral to have it release. But then I mulled it over and I don't actually think that's true, or not severe enough that snipping it will have any effect, and my friend the paediatric surgeon will come to the house tomorrow to have a look at her himself (he doesn't believe she has it at all in fact) and then decide what to do if anything at all. I'm back on the lanolin and shields and within a few days I was  pain free again, so we keep going till it lasts I suppose. She is 17 weeks today!

Oliver is back to being the sweetest boy I knew, he's now going to bed with no issues, in fact quite happy, kisses Martina good night and sweet dreams (in Italian!) and tells her he's going to bed too! A good night sleep works wonders for him (and anyone in fact) so now his days are happier and much more enjoyable for all involved. Long may it last.

I will check on you my friends, I'll be back early September, be good!

Holiday report, tantrums and other tricks

Hello, hello, hello, we are back. Oliver, Martina and me extended our stay in Italy of an extra couple of weeks while Mike came back to Dublin, overall we had a great time. We came back yesterday an my mom came too to help with the plane trip so we have her here till saturday which is fab!
Here are some pics:

Martina (left) and Clarissa (right) asleep with their lovely reusable nappies!

Martina with half a smile

Oliver and Martina

Oliver with my mom cutting the dough for "crescentine"

I hope I'll be able to post more pics of better quality once Mike and my sister will download them from their cameras, we have some lovely shots of the children.

Clarissa was lovely, so much bigger than Martina and only 6 weeks between the two of them, but it was amazing to see how they quickly started to recognise each other and smile to one another! Often we would change them together in a small room which my mom had set up like a professional nursery, there were even two very comfy armchairs for feeding time (by pure coincidence!) and they would touch eachother's heads! So cute!
One thing that happened was that due to the heat my milk supply dipped a bit initially and I had to up the formula for the night bottle, plus the hillside fresh air and excitement had Martina a bit more hungry. Well, my sister had milk to feed the village and so she was happy to nurse Martina in the evening so I didn't have to give her the bottle at all! She said that her sucking was so much gentler than Clarissa and maybe not as stimulating for my supply to increase. So the two cousins now have this extra connection too. It was a lovely thing. I started taking a herbal mix made specifically for breastfeeding with the classic ingredients and eventually we went back to our usual routine and now Martina only takes 90ml (3oz) in the evening to get a bit of longer stretch through the night.
Her sleeping is great and I hope it will last as long as possible. I take her into the bed with me when she stirs around 5am and she goes back to sleep till 6.30 most mornings. It is the sweetest thing to have her in my arms as we both  snuggles in under the sheets! She is the easiest baby I could imagine.

Oliver on the other hand...while he certainly had a fabulous time with nonno and nonna, he was also much more aware that Marina spended a lot of time in my arms...and this was not good. I started noticing that his kisses and hugs to Martina were just a little less gentle and clear signs of jealousy quickly appeared (one night he said to me he wanted Martina's milk...) and my adorable toddler would have outburst of rage to the point of stripping himself down screaming as if he was possessed if I told him he couldn't do something...and it could go on and on and on...There was no talking him down, no cuddles, no gentle approach that would work, and after a while even if you were to give in and let him do what he so badly wanted it wasn't sufficient to snap him out of such a state. I think he was on time out a few times a day at one point. This happened when Mike had gone back and I was on my own to try and discipline him. He would slap, bite, kick...the works. I admit I lost my cool a couple of times with major disapproval of my mother who is strongly against slaps etc. And I never did more than a tap on his bum to try and reground him. It was tough. One evening, in a calm moment, I asked Oliver what could we do to help him when he was feeling so angry (he did say he was angry) and he said I had to bite him (SHOCK SHOCK SHOCK), he even offered me his little arm! What?? I had very limited internet access but I managed to read a bit on how other mamas would deal with this (which I knew was totally normal etc, but this didn't help when I was trying to deal with an uncontrollable toddler who wanted to climb up a ladder while breastfeeding the little one) and one thing I embraced was this mama's tip which was to tell the child "we don't slap/hit/kick we only hug and kiss" and it was a definite turning point. Also I remembered I had the ebook on my phone which was fab when we were dealing with sleeping issues last year so I could read the chapter on "tantrums and other tricks" which was great help. Anyway, while I was a bit more in control, I have to say I was looking forward to being back home so that he would go back to the creche...
Thankfully he slept very well this time and my parents had his travel cot in their room, so I never had to worry when he was getting up at the crack of dawn!

I have a few other news but this post is already very long so I'll leave it till the next time, stay tuned!

Italy here we come

We are off tomorrow and it will be interesting travelling with two little ones! I don't foresee any problem, we are veterans by now and Martina is easily transported at this young age. We celebrated 7 weeks yesterday and I brought her in for a weight check which was great with just a few grams shy of 4kg, breast-feeding must be working so!

We are back in 10 days, I'm not sure how much internet access I will have (we are staying in the holiday place in the countryside) but I'll do my best to check in on my cyber-friends.
Love to all

How it is going at home

Certainly having a toddler also makes a significant difference....Mike is great and is definitely in charge of Oliver, and my mom keeps us fed and allows us that bit more rest, but I am tired. More than I remember being with Oliver. I suppose the major news is that I manage to breastfeed Martina almost all the time, which means we have absolutely no schedule...how did I manage? Well, I found these nipple shields that totally do the trick even though they should be used as a temporary solutions...at the moment Martina doesn't latch on at all without them, no matter what I try, so it'll have to do for now. Still I don't know if she's feeding enough as she is waking up very often and at night she takes a couple of bottles too (we need to survive too!). I'm delighted that our milk of choice (Hipp organic) is also doing a new-born version which wasn't available when Oliver was born. Mind you, I'm not obsessing about breastfeeding this time, I actually don't find it particularly rewarding, I don't have all those marvellous sensations people talk about, but I don believe whatever I can give her will do her good.

Martina is a very sweet baby, she requires quite a lot of physical contact which I don't remember being the cas with Oliver, she needs to be held tight to fall asleep, and she loves being beside me in the bed. We don't co-sleep though, I put her in the crib once she's asleep, though at night the temptation of just staying under the duvet with her is huge.
Oliver seems to have adjusted very well, his toilet training is perfect, we have no accidents and we have seen no regression. He is a bit more whining but he is also a two year old!

I'm posting here avery cute pic of Martina taken the other day when we were about to go out the other day, she is adorable in our eyes!

Emotionally I'm doing much better also, no major crying (of mine!) and settling into the new routine is getting easier, though not perfect just yet. I also don't have this time the claustrophobic feeling of being at home with a newborn and no interaction with the adult/working world, in fact I'm quite content to be at home with Martina and I'm loving our time together.

We have also booked our first trip to Italy for June, after my 6 week check with Dr. W (scheduled for the 7th of June) and ouch it's expensive to fly a family of four!! First reality check and serious evaluation when thinking of baby number three...

Better go now as the little one is hungry (again!)

Oliver is 2 - Time in Italy - Pregnancy update and new car!

I only manage to sit down properly for a post today. I wanted not to have to rush a post and upload pics too, so finally I'm able to do so!

Our holiday in Italy was lovely, Oliver still finds it very difficult to settle and properly sleep, but at least my parents didn't make any comments that I found irritating. We are all growing in our new roles and boundaries are definitely more respected. Oliver LOVES his grandparents, he would get up in the morning asking for them (after waking us up with a distinct "Mammaaaa! Papa' sleeping?" no my love...no one is any longer sleeping!) and my dad was beside himself with joy any time Oliver woud run up to him and hug him.

He got lots of presents which he really liked, including books and DVD of his favourite cartoon, an Italian dog called Pimpa which I used to watch too when I was young!

And then there was his birthday on the first of January, he loved opening up more presents, his cake and blowing off the candles (well...almost!) and we sang the happy birthday song for the rest of the holidays! To be noted also that he always had food at the table and since then we put away the high chair at home too. He is really growing up! He loved my mom's food (and so did we!) so she was delighted with herself.

Then we went to the house in the hills with my parents and sister, Oliver slept there like a log and was out all day in the garden, watching/participating in all the activities going on (cutting trees, picking up leaves, cleaning the deck...), it was definitely the highlight of the holidays. 

It was very sad leaving this time, Oliver was quite upset at the airport and sure my parents could hardly hold back the tears. As Oliver turned two while we were away, it turned out we didn't have the right plane ticked for him on the way back! After a bit of drama they let us on the plane anyway and he got his own seat! Was quite interested in the sky shopping magazine...

His Italian came on massively when we were away and it's really interesting to see how he can switch between languages, often mixing them up whichever way he finds more convenient! And definitely has strong preference for some words in Italian and others in English!

Today I'm 25 weeks whoohoo and go go go Phoenix! Weight is up 8.5 Kg since the start which is great as I was up 12 Kg with Oliver at this same stage, of course one small side of me is saying "this baby isn't growing!" but it's a small one...I also checked the HB last night just for the craic and it was his usual 132 bpm when he was quiet. I have to say, it is great not to worry about it any more. I have to mention that I had a dream when I was in Italy that Phoenix was a girl! I was as surprised in the dream as I would be in real life, but the thing is now I don't have any strong feelings anymore one way or another, it will be a real surprise. For your pleasure I'm going to post two belly pics, side shot and front shot! Have your guess as to whether you think it's a boy or a girl!

And finally, one other big news!! I'm a proud owner of a new car!! It's a pearl white Mazda CX-5 top spec with black leather interiors arrrggghh  very aggressive! The dealer took my little car to see if he could sell it, well, by the time I got home he called that he got me the deal I wanted!! Really really happy. We also got a new hoover and made a plan to extend the kitchen counter! Is this nesting enough? Will post pics of before and after and the same for the big boys room which should be here in a couple of weeks!

23 weeks Italian Style!

We had a very nice Christmas on our own, really enjoyed the peace and quite and doing things at our own pace. You were curious about the menu, so while it was nothing too special I'm happy to share it! On Christmas Eve it is tradition for us at home to have a fish based meal, I cooked tagliatelle with salmon, lemon zest and parsley in cream sauce for lunch which were delicious, I also had prepared tuna steaks marinated in lemon, mint and olive oil, but we ended up having those for dinner instead! I had prepared a delicious mash potato (Italian style, not Irish style, with cream, Parmesan cheese and butter) very rich which went down like a treat even with Oliver who has never been a fan of potatoes. On Christmas day we had home-made lasagne I had pre-prepared and frozen during the weekend, I love making my own ragu sauce (what some may call a Bolognese sauce) as well as the besciamella sauce, with added nutmeg! We have found this local butcher whose mince meat is truly delicious! Then I had made roasted beef in white wine and roast potatoes (or the mash from the previous day!). Finally we had panettone with mascarpone cream I had prepared that morning. We loved it! Oliver opened his presents and though I'm sure didn't quite understand the whole Christmas thing, was really happy.

And now we are in Italy, it's going very very well, Oliver settled in much quicker and is sleeping properly (wakes once, but then sleeps till 9am!), loves his grandparents who are of course doing all they can to make him happy, loves the food (not the same when we go to MIL...) and is eating loads! We went out this morning with my parents for a walk in the city centre and he was really good, walking holding hands or sitting happily in his stroller. His vocabulary is coming along in leaps and bounces, every day he seems to have developed a series of new words overnight! And in both languages! He will be 2 in just 3 days!! I promise a picture galore then!

And today I'm 23 weeks along with Phoenix, woohooo, he's moving plenty, at quite predictable times during the day which is of course nicely reassuring. Imagine I didn't bring the doppler with me, I feel very brave and proud of myself! I bought a couple of things to wear which I badly needed, and also a lovely big handbag I had spotted back in October but had forgotten my credit cards at home! Of course everything already discounted ahead of the official starting date of the sales in January...The weather is sunny and chilly, typical winter in Bologna, with the occasional fog I absolutely adore. Yes, when I'm here I'm thinking how I manage to live in Ireland, I miss the good food so so much, the variety, the taste...I love the shops here, the nice things you can buy at a more than reasonable price, I love the buildings, the archways typical of my city, the buzz etc. But then I know I would hate working in the University here, I would never have what I have career wise and it would be the same for Mike. So we compromise. All going well, I'll be able to spend a lot of time here during my maternity leave, so I'm looking forward to next year!

NT scan and other updates

I have to say much to my surprise, this pregnancy seems to be flying. Which is a good thing in my eyes.
So Oliver and I came back late on Sunday night, very very tired (both of us) and thankfully we both had a good night sleep. Sleeping at my parents' is still a challenge. A huge one. I think on saturday night Oliver woke up at 4.15 and it was up and down till about 5.30. Down for a bit till 8.00 when he was up for the day. Thankfully mom came to pick him up and I rested a bit longer. I have no idea what the problem is, he HATED going to bed, cried his eyes out the minute we entered the bedroom, I think it's because it's much bigger than his and it was scary. Oh I don't know. But at least my parents never once commented on the crying. It was a good break though not particularly relaxing. Since we are back, we had no issues.

And today it was the time for our NT scan. The scan itself went great, Phoenix was measuring right on track (11w4d), happily moving and with a strong HB of 167 wohoo! NT at 1.15 mm and lovely nasal bone too. But my bloods weren't as good, plus we had the complication that we had retrieval when I was still 36 (ok, we said to the tech 37 as I would have been 37 a couple of weeks later). Anyway, my stats with Oliver were fabulous (T21 1:4646, T18/13 1:8406) so it's hard not to compare, but this time I have 1:1076 chance for T21 and, a bit more concerning, a 1:452 chance of T13/18. What screwed the stats is my PAPP-A value which is a bit low at 0.37 MoM. I definitely believe more a good scan than the bloods but of course I started reading on low PAPP-A and the main concern seems to be the possibility that the placenta will have some issues later on in the pregnancy. Thankfully my OB, which I will see on monday, is the top expert in sonography, I will talk to him about these results and see what he thinks. I had issues with Oliver too at the end of the pregnancy (emergency C-section at 36w6d after scan showed he had not grown for 3 weeks) thought the pathology results on the placenta didn't show much a part from some inflammation. I could restart the cardio-aspirin which I had stopped when I was diagnosed with SCH (now totally gone) to help blood flow. We'll see. But I'm not particularly concerned about the stats. Unless the OB recommends otherwise we won't be doing CVS or amnio (also in Ireland termination is illegal).

Me, Oliver and Phoenix in Italy

We arrived today, no particular problems on the flight, we were lucky to have three seats for ourselves which gave Oliver a bit more room to move around.
Almost as soon as I met my parents at the airport they said their OB friend was happy to scan me within the hour. So mam and I went to the clinic and we were relieved to see a much bigger (and moving!) Phoenix which is now measuring only 2 days behind at 10w1d (I'm 10w3d)!! I am really happy and now feel much more positive. No sign of SCH which is nice too. We could see the arms and legs, the brains, the heartbeat (we didn't measure it but he said it looked perfect) and it was incredible how he was moving around. I have to remember to update this post with a pic as soon as I get home.

The weather here is great, quite warn for us coming from Ireland, and really enjoying it. Oliver seems to have settled very quickly, he didn't sleep on the plain so was quite tired but went with nonno to the park and had lots of fun at the playground while we were at the clinic and then had a nap on the way home. He's in bed now and everything is quiet, hopefully we'll have a good night sleep. Missing Mike quite a bit already, I'm sure time will fly though, I am quite busy between meeting with colleagues tomorrow and going to Milan for a talk on thursday. Better get some rest myself!

On edge

It's been a week since the last bleed as so far nothing. I'm kind of expecting it you know. but maybe the SCH is really gone so everything may just have settled fine.
Also I have started reducing my steroids intake, so for the whole week I've been down to 20mg rather than 25. I still have the moon-face. Did I mention that of course we had pics taken for the college website just a few days ago? I look like a monster. Seriously. Professionally taken pics. Nothing I can do about it. Of course I had forgotten about it till I got a reminder from the secretary the day the photographer was coming. I didn't have make up on (I never do, but I would have made the effort to try and look a bit more presentable), my hair looks like they badly need some colouring and restyle and I wasn't even dressed properly. But ah well, I am just hoping that maybe if I pay for it myself I can get another one taken when I'm in better shape...

Tomorrow I'll be 10 weeks. Incredibly for me these past couple of weeks have flown by. Tonight would be the last PIO shot, but as I have only three more vials left in the box I thought I'd finish them on Sunday instead. As of tomorrow I'll drop the steroids to 15mg for the whole week. I tried to read when is it that people with only mild borderline ANA values are stopping them and I found anything between 8 weeks and 20 and it's never really clear how high the dose has to be either. Of course in my case I know it worked to be on 25mg for 11 weeks with Oliver and tapering down to nothing by week 12, but if I have to say I believe I really need them at all it would be a stretch. Same as the intralipid. I didn't do it at all with Oliver and there was no issue whatsoever. In any case, 15mg of pred is still what some clinics recommend as standard dose so I'm covered and the critical phase is just after implantation anyway. No matter what, that phase I have passed and Phoenix hopefully is still growing happily.

Next week I'm going to Italy for 5 days, I'll bring Oliver with me while Mike will stay behind, and we'll stay at my parents. I haven't seen them since Easter but everything is fine between us now. Let's see how this stay goes. I should be able to squeeze in a scan while there, with my dad's OB friend, and then, if all goes well, when I'm back I'll book the NT scan. Next time we'll go to Italy will be after Christmas, this year we will spend Christmas in Ireland and I will cook our first Christmas meal (no turkey and ham!!) for just the three of us. I am really looking forward to start building our own tradition!

Oliver is great, has a cough which makes him sleep poorly but we never have to get up at night (we hear him coughing through the monitor) and has started putting two words together! He loves to hug both of us at the same time while we give him kisses, his face is just glowing, and we do that every day. Yesterday he also had his first bruised knee! I should take a picture of it for future memories. I was thinking that while it was so much easier to handle him when he was smaller, now he so much more fun and I can't wait for him to talk properly!

And you know, yesterday was Mike's 40th birthday! Of course I remembered and we had a nice dinner with cake and all, you can't hold a grudge for too long!

Ready to go!

Two meanings of course here!

We are getting ready to go to Italy tomorrow for 2 and half weeks, seaside with my mom and sister and then realx on hills of the Apennines. Mike won't come with us this time and we'll miss him a lot but I know he'll miss us even more. I don't have much to pack, but I look forward to see how the superlight stroller will perform at the airport, it's way to warm in Italy for the sling and till I'll be comfortable carrying Oliver on my back, the weight on the front is a bit too much.

This was us the last time at the airport in Italy

I'm never very good at taking too many pics, but I'll definitely make an effort this time and I'll bring also the camcorder. We'll see!

And remember last week I had my blood tests done at the GP on CD3 to see how my hormones were doing. Here they are:

FSH 6.4

LH 3.6

E2 168 (pmol/L or 45.8 pg/mL)

TSH 2.80

So needless to say I'm delighted and the Fav Doctor texted me when she got the faxed results saying she was confident the response in September will be good.

I also had my total blood count done and all is well, very good haemoglobin and the only thing out of range were my neutrophiles which are a bit below the minimum but the GP said it's nothing to worry about as everything else is normal.

I won't have much of a connection while on holidays, so I'm afraid I won't be able to comment if not sporadically, but you are all in my thoughts!

Back

We are back! As I sat on the plane, holding Oliver, I felt the urge to "reassure" the guy sitting next to me that on the way over Oliver slept all the time. No one likes sitting beside a child on a plane. I certainly didn't and now I'm at the receiving end of the look that says "oh my God please please please move along ...no no no no no....damn...just my luck...". Thankfully he was once again the perfect baby.

Another thing is back. My period! 30 days after the last bleed. Good old body is still working as if it mattered. It feels good though to be back to normal. I hope this will help loosing the weight. I'm not progressing at all in that sense, I still have the same 7-8 kg to shift. I walk, I eat next to nothing, thyroid functioning fine...I wonder if this is the new me forever.

Next week I'll start yoga again.

This Thursday there is a big big big event. The official launch of Ectopic Pregnancy Ireland. I cannot believe I have been of so little help right when the charity needed it most. The girls have organised everything, it's going to be great. A few weeks ago two of them went on national Tv for a short interview and raising awareness. Since then our FB page got may more hits and we have been able to reach out to several women. I am so excited and so proud of what we (mostly they!) have done. I'll post about it at the end of the week.

11 weeks (Italian Style!)

Hello my friends! I'm still in Italy and although I managed to read your blogs I didn't comment much (please forgive me!) and didn't post anything of my own news.

Everything is great, the trip was no bother at all for little Oliver who slept practically all the time. I was very lucky that I didn't have to bring any gear with me, car-seat, stroller, swing-chair etc were all kindly offered by my sister's friends and my parents had bought a travel-cot. I carried Oliver in my fab sling and off we went.

The first night at my parents' was a bit rough but after that he settled in like he'd always been here! The torticollis is definitely improving, we do a bit of exercise every day but it seems that he's turning the head to the left in a more natural way on his own too. Still hates tummy time and still absolutely adores bath time. I suppose you can't win everything ah! We bought here and inflatable baby tub which will double as small pool this summer, it's fantastic, I'd never seen one before and totally recommend it!

Oliver loves to splash, shake his legs, stretch and generally moves a lot when in the tub so with this one there's no risk of him hitting a hard surface with his head! It fits in the normal tub too.

The Snuza is a great peace of mind, it was one of the best thing I bought for sure. I forgot to mention that last week, when we were still in Ireland, the AngelCare did alarm one morning...it was only the first "bip" (15 seconds of no movement) after which I clearly heard Oliver taking a deep breath! So I have to remember to mention this to the paed at the 12 weeks check-up. Likely to have been a one off, but still. There are cases of sleep apnea in Mike's family, so better to keep an eye on it.

And I went to see my "old" psychologist and it went really really well. She also said that the way I feel is totally "normal" after all I have been through. It was to be expected in fact. So we started working on my anxiety and I am already much better. Interestingly, she explained how bleeding gives the impression to the body that it's dying and so there is this connection between life and death linked to Oliver's birth, even though rationally I never feared I was dying, but that Oliver could have died. It's only at the subconscious level, but as Oliver was part of me, I tend to focus at the moment more on death than life and this causes my anxiety. Time will be the best healer as the cells "forget" the scary scenario and reprogramme themselves to focus on what every organism does best which is living (and think positively about life). She recommended to keep supplementing my diet with iron (even though my heamoglobin is back to normal) to speed up the process. She actually used this phrase after I described my last 4 years "you swallowed a lot of death". Scary! But it will get better and better. I'm glad I went. I'll go again when I came back in May and meanwhile she gave me her Skype address if I need it! Ah...technology.

Mike then arrived on wednesday and we celebrated our fourth anniversary on thursday. What a journey...Three years ago we were in Japan having our belated honeymoon and it's absolutely shocking what has happened there. My friend and her family in Tokyo are ok but she said it's horrific. Japan, you can do it and will get through this. Last year on the 16th I had my life changing hysteroscopy and this year we brought our miracle to meet his great-grandmother. Life is certainly full of twists and turns.

Only 3 more days and we'll fly back to Dublin....bohoooo! Already missing the fab food...just as well I'll be back here in 6 weeks! I'm checking out now, love to you all my cyber-friends.

A quick one

I wanted to update on my "peace of mind" visit to the family friend OB/gyn today just a few hours after landing in my home town!

He basically did a full scan to the depth of the anatomy scan! Mom was there too and I think she was so so happy and impressed with all the modern technology and all that you can see. Elvis is growing perfectly, every measure is just as it should be! His estimated weight is now 591 grams! And while the OB was very happy with Elvis's weight gain he gave me a little lesson about mine...he said I really should pace myself or I may have some problems in the last trimester... boohooo right so, I'll do my best.

He also measured by doppler the blood-flow to the uterus (in Ireland nobody ever checked, I didn't even know it was a parameter to look at!) and it's also perfectly in the range.

The placenta is still low but it looked a bit higher to me, he also was not concerned and just said to have it checked it again in a few weeks.

Finally I really wanted him to check my cervix (in fact that was the main thing I wanted to have checked!), but in the office where we were today the machine didn't have a transvaginal wand (just my luck!) so he offered to do an internal exam and get a feel for the cervix. I jumped at the oportunity as I mentioned before in Ireland this is never done. Anyway, all looks good at the manual exam, no obvious shortening and certainly it's tight close. From the external scan there didn't seem to be any funneling and the baby is high and not sitting on it, so he reassured me as much as he could and this will have to do! (of course if I could write down we had a measure for the cervix...)

The Dude update and 4dp6dt

Yesterday we brought the Dude to the Vet for a check up. We thought he was recovering very well and that the abscess was reducing in size, but the Vet said it really needed to be lanced and cleaned properly because the location is an unfortunate one, on the back just above his bum and will find it difficult to completely go away. So we came back with no Dude (we are picking him up this evening) to a very happy Patches being back to be the king of the house! While he never came downstairs in the last few days when the Dude was in the kitchen, he was definitely taking possession of every room last night! And he's doing very very well, his meow is normal (not like a chicken sound anymore) and so is his purring (it always sounded like a pigeon! and nicknamed him Pigeon!). He's playing a lot and eating very well, some new food arrived yesterday (I had placed an order to try out different brands in the hope to find something he ate with pleasure) and although he's not as enthusiastic as he is for the delux food he certainly had a good bit of it too! All going well we'll reunite the two of them this weekend! I feel so good about them, I'm sure there will be no real problem, Patches is so much stronger he should be able for a very playful Dude!

Another day in my 2ww has gone by. I realised all of a sudden yesterday that the day I am supposed to test was actually the due date of my first ectopic pregnancy! How weird. I hardly think about due dates, I don't think it's healthy for me to do so and struggle to see the point in keeping the pain alive longer than it needs to be, so the realization that I actually knew it was a due date came to me as a bit of a shock. Funny how it took a few days before it came to mind. I want to try and be positive that it'll be a good day, strangely I am so distracted that I think I will handle quite well a BFN if that's what is going to be. The fact that I'm going on holiday the day after (to Italy, we have a wedding on the 22nd and then we are off to an island off the coast of Tuscany for a week!) never really worked out well with cycles, I was always thinking "oh, I'll bring the baby skiing while still in the belly" or "I'll relax by the swimming pool eating great-pregnancy-safe food" and sure enough it never happened. So who knows this time, I may be surprised! If not I'll enjoy the holidays to the fullest, can you imagine being in Tuscany and NOT drinking wine, cured ham and fresh cheese? Of course I'd give up even water if it means I get pregnant, but it's a comforting thought nonetheless!

Symptoms-wise the insomnia has set in. This is the absolutely worse part of the 2ww. I wake up between 4 and 4.30. I just have to go to the loo, by the time I'm back to bed I'm fully awake. Then Patches starts purring. This morning I decided I may as well make good use of this time and started listening to my super-duper MP3 player. I may have mentioned in that past that I have a CD for pre-transfer, post-transfer and 2ww relaxation tracks from Zita West, so there I was, imagining my baby growing inside me. Not sure I believe it really helps, but it's certainly no harm!

At the chemist and other updates

I came back on monday aftrenoon, very late may I add, due to snow in my town and delayed flight. I had a great time and skiing was jus what I needed! So I'm back now for the last week in college, with several last minute things to do as you can imagine.
I have finally managed to read the latest on most of the blogs I follow and posted on many of them and I'm very happy for the good news all around and very sad for the bad ones also all around. I suppose that's life.

I went to the chemist yesterday to pick up muy pill prescription and I'm not sure if you remembered that this particular chemist is the one that deals with the special meds for IF treatments and the girl there knows me by first name by now. When she saw me she came around the desk and hugged me. She said she was so genuinely sorry to see my prescription caming in and I had gone in for support meds the last time with the good news of the beta...ah well, obviously it wasn't my time yet. I'll pick up the rest of the meds in January before starting the cycle (jeez, I'll be taking the last pill in just over a month and I haven't even started it yet!). It dawned on me then that we are starting a new decade. It sounds good. 2010 is a nice round number, let's hope it'll be the "right" number also!

On the attic front we had yesterday a second architect coming to see the place and hopefully he'll give us a quote by next week! That's all so exciting and I really can see the big picture and how it's going to look! After that it's a matter of price. And we'll definitely play it safe.

The New Toy is not back yet and needless to say I'm fed up with it already. I called the support unit and all I was told was that they have "loads of computers" with the same issue. That's reassuring...NOT! And believe me, this is a well known brand! Grrrr.....

Finally, I'm going back to Italy next monday for two weeks and the Christmas madness, so I'm afraid I won't have much time to blog but I'll be posting a Merry Christmas post before going.

Trip

I'm off tomorrow for a work/pleasure trip.
It happens that I supervised a Master student from my home-town University and tomorrow she has her thesis defence....so I thought I'll go along! I'll be back on Monday at lunch time.

My dad suggested to use the weekend to warm up the legs on skiing slopes and I just jumped at the opportunity. Within seconds my sister was on board also and finally my mum could come too, so it'll be like when we were children on a short holidays together. I can't wait.

On other fronts: the New Toy (aka the computer) is sick again with the same BSOD it had before. I had it back a day or two and sent it straight back in repair last week. It's not back yet and I'm getting quite pissed off as you can imagine. Now they think the problem is the wireless card and the mother-board. Considering that the first time around they changed the hard-drive I think they've pretty much reassembled a new machine. We'll see.

The Attic project is at halt at the moment. We got the signed letter from the owner of the apt below but we haven't yet received anything from the architect. We liked the guy but if he's not on our same timeline I think we do have a problem. Mike called him this morning and he said he's going to email us the plan this afternoon. Last chance.
Exams have started so I've scripts to correct, but it's not too bad.
And finally yesterday I met for lunch with H., she's one of the girls coordinating the Ectopic support group! We had a great time and really connected, she hopes that with the new year we'll be awarded the charity status and everything else is ready to go.

Big hugs to Sam, things didn't work out this time unfortunately.