Picking up

Thanks so much for your support, I was really down. I didn't have a good day at all, quite a lot of back pain (can't remember having it with Oliver), and just feeling like this is going to end any minute now. I was alone with Oliver for a few hours, and again I had to lift him and bring him the stairs etc, and I could tell I over did it.

In the evening I had a bit of spotting. Not much at all, and only because my clinical eye scrutinise the toilet paper every time. But this is just too familiar. I re-read my old posts on the ectopic of 2009, had a good cry and just got off the internet and started reading a book.

This morning I tested again of course, I figured if it's over, the line will start to fade and the control will be even stronger. But it has not done so, in fact the control is fading and the difference is quite obvious today. So Deng the Penguin is hanging on. Let's hope to get a glimpse of something on tuesday.

5 weeks

I will have a scan next tuesday at 5w3d at my clinic. The Fav Doctor estimated that by then my HCG should be over 1600 considering a doubling time of 48 hours.

This morning I tested again, the clinic actually suggests you test every week till the viability scan. The line is darker but not as dark as I had at the same time with Oliver. So I am now not feeling that great about this anymore.
You know the way on a FRER the control line tends to fade as the test line becomes so much stronger? Mine is still not that different.

This is the comparison with the exact same test I had with Oliver at 5 weeks.

I just want to curl up in ball. Today it's raining here, perfect day to feel sorry for myself. Maybe I should call the clinic and go for another blood test today? I am in no pain, which is good, maybe it's not ectopic and maybe it's just the pregnancy arresting. I have of course already looked at the library of pics on fertility friends and all of them show the control line fading with respect to the control, so I don't think I have much hope.

13dp5dt (4w4d) and beta

The HPT this morning looked promising, still pregnant and probably more intense, I thought it was at least as intense as the test line (by the time it had dried at least). 

Would it have been enough? I went in to the clinic got the blood test and waited. I would have been happy with 150, better 180 or so. 

I just got the call and the value has gone up to 218!! Isn't it great? Doubling time of 30.4 hours, pretty much in line with the previous result. I am a bit relieved that it looks unlikely to be ectopic at this stage. I still want to go in for an early scan and I left a message with the Fav Doctor to see when she'll be happy to give it a go. I'm hoping she'll chance it for next monday (5w2d). 

HCG summary:

9dp5dt: 25

11dp5dt: 73

13dp5dt: 218

To be honest with you the first value didn't give me much hope, but for now it's looking good, another day in the Personal Penguin life, and he seems to be a right fighter! Don't give up little one, despite my best effort I'm feeling more and more attached to you every day that goes by.

11dp5dt (beta update)

I have stitches on my right side. It can be just in my head of course, and I do remember I had them with Oliver too, still not a nice thing to feel!

Tested again this morning, I'm sure you are sick and tired of my HPT pics, but I can't help doing all the comparisons between this series and the previous ones! So here it is for your delight, line getting definitely stronger, we'll see if the HCG will follow suit.

I'm going to the clinic shortly, will update when they call me back with the results. It will have to be at least 50. I had 52 with Oliver at 10dp5dt (but even though he was frozen, the embryologist said it looked like he never was and had fully re-expanded before transfer). Today is 11dp5dt maybe it will be ok. Thanks to you all for the kind support in my never straight forward positive cycles!

Beta update
The clinic just called, the number is up to 73! This gives a good doubling time of 31 hours. In fact, as you know I'm paranoid and I would have liked a less fast doubling time. With the ectopics, believe it or not, I never had that erratic increase you read on the internet. My beta were good. Great in fact, doubling time between 27 and 29 hours. With Oliver, the only normal pregnancy I had a doubling time of 37 hours. In any case, I am safe for now, nothing can happen at this gestational age, I'm going in again on wednesday for a 3rd blood draw and take it from there. I am happy, still very very cautious, but happy for now. I want my Personal Penguin!

10dp5dt

You, my friends, are wonderful. I can't help being very very cautious. You know, among the signs I never mentioned, there's the fact that August cycles never brought good news when it came to pregnancies. I am trying, I swear, to tell myself this is ridiculous etc, but you know how it is.

Anyway, this morning I had a bit of brown spotting, nothing major, and certainly nothing that made me freak out as such, it could be the Personal Penguin nestling in of course, it could be that today would correspond to the change of the month, and of course it could be ectopic (but I am doing all I can to block this out of my mind). It could be that yesterday I was on my own with Oliver quite a bit and I just cannot not cuddle him and lift him when he wants me to hold him. He is a real baby we have, in my scale of priority he's a mile ahead of the potential one growing inside. Mike is being fantastic, he's doing a lot around the house (did I tell you we got finally someone to help with the house cleaning? She's on holiday now though) and handles Oliver's lifting, dressing, bathing etc since the day of the transfer, so I have as much time as I need to take it easy.

I of course tested again to see which way the line was going. I was quite prepared to see it vanishing, but it didn't, it's stronger. We are still talking quite significantly lighter than the control, but what can I expect when my value yesterday was 25?

Beta #2 tomorrow. If I compare numbers with Oliver's pregnancy, I think this looks at least a couple of days behind, unless beta pick up swiftly tomorrow. So this pregnancy lives to see another day. But I think (fear) its days are numbered.

Hello Deng (beta update)

Signs started being more positive in the last couple of days. Yesterday I even won 5 solitaires in a row (thanks to Mina for reminding me about the cards game!) and the number 8 ball upon being asked the question "Will I get a BFP tomorrow?" answered "Decidedly so". The physical symptoms also became a bit more difficult to ignore, two nights in a raw I woke up in a sweat, that only happened to me during pregnancy, but still, maybe the progesterone does the same.
In any case, last night I also had THE dream that it was positive.

And this morning it was positive. Second line definitely there, not very strong at all, but I don't have to squint to see it.

It's 9dp5dt, we are cautiously optimistic (very cautiously). It was a FET and the blast didn't look that good or at least not that expanded like we had with Oliver. I'm going to try and go for bloods today and monday, I don't think they'll be able to process today sample till monday, but I am at such a high risk for ectopic I don't want to delay any investigation. It's funny how depending on your past experience the priority after seeing a positive test change. For most is to have a baby at the end of it, for me, still, is trying not to end up in emergency surgery.

Went in for beta this morning and the clinic already called. 25. What a number, eh? We just have to wait and see how it goes on monday, Fav Doc was very happy, but she always is. I would have been happier with a 40.  Never straight forward with us, hold on tight for this new ride.

6 weeks!

Our holiday in Italy suffered a bit of change of plans...After the scan last week, the gyno recommended to take it easy for a while. Not because there are reasons of concern, but simply because it took us 3 years to get this far. His opinion is that miscarriages are not caused by travelling of course, but certainly if you are less exposed to bumps on the road Elvis will be less shaken. Just in case.

So our trip to the Island was cancelled. Mike also got a violent stomach bug which forced him to bed for a couple of days last weekend, and we kind of had an excuse.

What do we do then? I don't mind really, being with my family and pampered and fed...but for Mike is a bit different, these are our holidays after all...So we decided to go shopping for the Attic conversion plan. You may get the impression that we can't find anything in Ireland...that's not really true provided that you are willing to spend A LOT of money for an average quality product. We think that we can actually save a good bit by ordering things in Italy and get them shipped over.

So far we have selected a bed frame (I like simple things but of a proper size!!) with memory foam matrasses and the sanitaryware for the bathroom. We will have to have the architect checking dimensions and highths just in case but we love what we saw! We will go looking for sliding doors next week, and a few other bits and pieces.

We are also going to buy a selection of delicacies from my region to bring back to the girl who's looking after Patches, we know she loves Italian cusine and she's doing a great job with him! He's eating loads and is very well, so we couldn't be happier.

And today I'm 6 weeks! I tested again with a Clearblue this morning (not the digital just in case it said the wrong number of weeks!), it's my clinic policy to have you testing until the viability scan, and I'm happy to say it was as strong as it can be. Not much else to report on this front, I feel tired and a bit nauseous and I'm delighted with anything that means Elvis is still with me. I haven't booked the scan yet, I think I'll do it on the 10th of June (7w4d) as I'm internal examiner for a PhD viva on the 9th and I don't want to have to deal with bad news the day before if, God forbid, that is the case.

I will update my old posts with pics once I'm back, I can't do it from here at all but thanks so much for all the messages and love you sent me! I don't know what I would do without you all.

123 ***Update: Adoption news!***

I just got the call. Beta doubled from 52 (I can't believe I always hear the numbers wrong! Not that it's a major difference of course but still...am I going deaf or something?) to 123.

I then also rechecked my old posts and my first beta in August was 57 not 67! Where do I have my head I don't know. So we are pretty much in the same ballpark figure.

I kept telling myself that I would have been very happy with a 110 so I should be really really happy with 123....but probably deep deep down I was hoping for a number around 150...I know I know... never happy around here.

The HCG calculator says I'm bang on the mean values, ok maybe slightly lower:

But I won't be fooled I know it means nothing really. The doubling time is also good apparently, around 37.84 hours. It is a step in the right direction AND it was a frozen little embryo so my Elvis is doing well so far. The Doctor was very happy and said at 12dp5dt they are happy with anything near 100. So I'll take the 123.

Thanks so much for your comments on my last post, I think I have calm down in that respect. And certainly this evening we have a lot to think about with the packing, Patches going to the foster home for the holiday and the Dude going to the cattery tomorrow morning! So I'll keep busy!

Oh, of course I had POAS this morning so I knew the line was definitely darker, and again the comparison saga took place! And by the way, I too have them all photographed and in a folder on my computer! What can I say, I want to try and enjoy the holiday, it will go whichever way it's supposed to be. Checking out for now, I'll miss you all, I'll try and post from Italy to let you know how things are going!

***Update. I just had to update the blog! When we got home this evening we had mail. It was from the adoption board!! We finally got our waiting list number!! It's 4483. We have no idea what number they are dealing with at present, but it's nice to finally BE a number too!! Of course we deeply hope we will have to postpone our prep course next year as we may be busy with Elvis, but it's still great we have been finally deemed suitable to at least attend the course!

Patches has been brought to the foster home and settled in very well, they love him already and he did all the cute things at the right time! We are confident he'll be well and they'll enjoy his company. That's it for now, I haven't packed a thing yet, I'm really tired and still have to do ll the evening injections...***

First results 10dp5dt FET

I tested again this morning and I wasn't really sure the line was much darker...for one thing yesterday test was a bit weird with the test line coming up uneven in intensity...I'm sure you could see it too, with the bottom part darker than the top part. Today's test was definitely even but overall looked very similar to the darker part. Go figure. Don't they know that us infertile women are so analytical a faulty test can drive us round the bend?

So, of course, I fished out the tests of the August pregnancy and I started looking at how intense the test line was with respect to the control and so on. Obviously asking Mike for his opinion a million times when I was not happy with the answer or how long he looked at the test for etc. And I have obsessed ever since.

By the intensity of today line I was expecting a value around 30. It was stronger definitely than my first ectopic pregnancy (when I could barely see a positive test line 13dp3dt) and the beta were 18. I don't have those tests any more though so who knows!

At 5.30 this afternoon I still had got no call back from the clinic. I texted the Favourite Doctor (I know I know...sure I had to go pee and I knew the phone would ring then!) to see if she had seen the results, no worries if not, I would have called the clinic in the morning. She rang back straight away and said the number was very good, given that it was 2 days early AND on a frozen cycle, she was very happy to tell me it was 53! I was delighted, the intensity of the test definitely fooled me this time. Of course we have to see how it goes on wednesday, they are happy to have a value around 100 and if mine doubles I should be right on target.

Now, the last time, my beta on a fresh cycle on the same day was 57 and I'm sure I had two embryos implanting given that even after the surgery to remove the viable ectopic pregnancy I had still sky-high beta values and needed MTX shot.

For now I'm happy. I would say cautiously feeling positive. Until wednesday that is. I have no more tests in the house, I wonder if I'll resist temptation....

I now want to add a paragraph to this post like many of you have done before. Please don't feel you have to comment or come and read. I know some of you are dealing with recent losses and having been there myself I understand how you feel about reading of a positive test. Even if it has not been by any means an easy one to get. Even if I know you know with my history this can be over in no time. My heart goes out to you and I really mean it. Forever hugs and I will keep hoping and praying for you all.

The little embie that could

We named the penguin "Elvis". This was actually the name we had thought for the next cat (when the Dude run away we thought of getting a friend for Patches) but actually sounded appropriate for a penguin too.

So after waking up as usual at 4.30 for a pee I went back to bed for a little longer before testing. I just couldn't do it there and then. Having no feelings one way or another I didn't want to be brought to reality too quickly. At 6.55 Mike woke and we said "let's do it".

We went both to the bathroom, I POAS (actually I can never do that, I have to dip it in a cup) and put it on the window sill without looking at it all. Then a minute or so later...

Today is 9dpt. Frozen cycle. I never got pregnant on a FET, let alone with a blast that took a little longer to become a blast (day 6).

I stole the title for this post from my good friend Sweet Georgia who used this phrase to define the penguin once it was transferred. I thought it was a beautiful, strong definition.

I obviously have many fears, I find it difficult to enjoy the moment. Of course I'm happy I'm pregnant again, for a while I thought that'll never happen again, but my past two pregnancies have been so dramatic I'm terrified it will be another ectopic.

I'm going in for beta tomorrow.

Maybe this is really the little embie the could. Your support and good vibes have been amazing as always, I thank you all so much from my heart.

Grow Elvis grow!

Miracles happen...

...to other people only.

I know most of you still were hopeful and I thank you for that. But I knew. I even dreamt of a negative pregnancy test last night and I told Mike this morning before testing. So we were both prepared. I think Mike can't believe that I have this sixth sense for many things that have to do with my body. Of course I'm not always right, but mostly I am.

Last night I had a good cry, with sobs and the whole lot while having a shower. I let it all out then and I was fine this morning when the test just confirmed my feelings. There's no hope i's going to become positive and if it does then it's even worse news.

I called the clinic to cancel my intralipid, I left a message to the nurses to see what I have to do with the meds, they'll call back.

I'll be booking a WTF review meeting on friday, when I'll call again. I am a bit hopeful now again that it may work next time. Out of 3 fresh cycle we got two pregnancies, a 100% success would be quite unlikely in any case, but we'll see what the doctor will say.

I have called the Adoption people to see where our application is at, I left a message, we'll see if they call back, certainly our file has not made its way to the Adoption Board yet but it's still with the HSE for assessment. How frustrating...

I also got some info through a local board about surrogacy, that may be an option but I'll have to check better, I have been fortunate that one girl is going through the surrogacy process at the moment and she' happy to share! So I'll call her his evening.

It makes me feel better to know that we may have options.

Also Mike is nearly giving in to get a pet!! Only concern is what do we do when we go on holidays...but I told him I need take care of something small...

A new cycle begins

I didn't have a minute to post yesterday so I couldn't update with my latest news. AF has arrived! After the negative HPT I was still a bit worried that maybe the b**ch was goign to play even more tricks on me and keep me waiting a few more days. I was contemplating the idea of calling the clinic tomorrow and see what I could do to bring the period along. But every IF friend knows that it's nearly mathematical: the minute you POAS, giving in to the most evil temptation, and after the exact 3 minutes (or ten!) that shatters every final hope to see a hint of a line, the twinges start. I had to wait a full day in fairness.
Ah well. I knew it anyway. So tonight I'll go back on the pill for 4 weeks (counting the days already) and then I'll have my first scan on the 9th of July. Any tips for avoiding (or minimising) fluid retention for the next four weeks will be welcomed!

I had also mentioned that Mike was going to do a spermatic DNA fragmentation test (just linked to one of a million clinics that explains what it is). Of course he left the call until last friday and the first slot available with the clinic is on the 7th of July. It'll take two weeks to get the results back (the clinic actually ships the sample to Denmark) and by then I would be close to the egg retrival! Needless to say I was quite pissed. Totally pointless to spend 400 euro this time around. No matter the result we will have to go ahead and I rather not know at that point if it's bad news. Anyway, we are going back to Italy on the 21st of June and my home city is very advanced on assisted reproduction, so I emailed a couple of private clinic to see if we can get it done there. We'll see.

Finally, a very warm welcome to C to my blog! I have my fifth follower!

7DP5DT is that a line?

No, I don't think so...I think what I saw this morning when I POAS was just an evaporation line and now I don't know what to think...I have done an OPK as well which definitely showed a line, not strong mind you, but the line was not there on 4DPT. Anyway, I'm forbidden now from POAS until the weekend at least.

I admit I am a little disilluded...I do feel pregnant, please let it be true!