The new me

After the shocking bout of anxiety I suffered in the past few weeks, I realised I have to take serious actions. And I did.
I will see weekly my psychotherapist which I'll call MissC, her approach is based on mindfulness and I can see the benefit already. I really should have kept up the mindfulness meditations but ah well, I didn't. Can't recriminate too much on the past and so I'm just starting again.

I have started also to go to a chiropractor, Dr.A, he is phenomenal. I went there on saturday (despite the fact that the MRI was totally reassuring, the headaches had not gone away and they really affected my life), and he got my history, checked me, noticed immediately the atlas (the first of the cervical vertebra, C1) was shifted to the left, possibly narrowing the channel where the trigeminal nerve stems. It makes perfect sense, all my aches are on the left side, and the tingling sensation also is on the left side. I can really describe my headaches as if they were on the surface of the skull rather than deep inside the head. Apparently these are the hallmarks for trigeminal issues. I thought that type of pain should have been unbearable (they say it can make people suicidal) but he explained that like everything there are various degrees of inflammation and mine is obviously not that severe, but still sufficient to give me headaches and associated issues. Of course being stressed and anxious is adding to the pile, tension in the shoulders and neck is a killer for this. After the first treatment I felt completely different, yes perhaps I'm easily fooled and it's all a big placebo effect, but I have not had the tingling in the face and only occasional very transient aches over my left ear. I keep a diary of the headaches so that we know if this is helping or not. I went today again and will go for another couple of treatments in a short time and then we'll maintain and do more gentle and minor adjustments. I am really positive this is the way to go for me.

Finally, true to my new year resolution, I joined the super fancy gym recently opened on campus yesterday. As a staff member I get a good discount and the annual membership can be freezed for up to 3 month so there is a bit of flexibility for holidays etc. It is two minutes walk from my office, has a 50m pool which is almost deserted during the day and I can fit at least three swims per week between lectures. My goal is to swim 2k (40 legs) once I'll be up for it hopefully in a few weeks and keep that as my exercise. Yesterday I swam 600m so I know I have a good bit to go, but I feel great and really motivated. There is also a spa corner and a children pool, as my two are less that 4 years old they have free access. We are going to try it out this weekend. So tomorrow is day 2 in the pool for me and the weather here is horrendous (floods, millions in damages to properties etc), somehow the fact that this doesn't discourage me the least and I have already prepared the bag for the gym, gives me great confidence I'll stick with the plan!

Life is good

Yesterday was the worst day i had in years. Did the MRI and the tech would not say absolutely anything not even under bribery. They do however give you a CD with all the images. The report is sent to your doctor within 24 hours. And my doctor on wednesday is open only in the morning.
So of course what do I do? But torturing myself by "reading" the images of course!
In fairness things are so crystal clear you could try and see if you can make an educated guess. And so I did. Most of the sequences looked totally normal, certainly I could not identify any mass anywhere, or areas that looked odd. Till I got to a couple of scans in which I could clearly see a little white spot which measured about 0.5cm x 0.2cm and it was definitely there, I could see it both in the axial and sagittal views. But only on one set of images with a particular contrast. I worked myself up into a state of pure anxiety, seriously, I was almost paralysed. I contacted all my doctor friends and asked for an opinion, non of them is a neuroradiologist unfortunately and of course I could see the images on my laptop with the programme embedded in the CD, but I could not save and email them (couldn't remember for the life of me how to take a screenshot). So it was all trough the phone, skype and whatsapp. They were all great, I found out today they had a mini session talking about me (and concluding it was probably nothing to worry about). But I did worry, a lot. I was thinking it could have been a small aneurysm or an area of demyelination. Somehow it sounded even worse than a brain tumour.
Mike looked after the children as I was in no state to do so, on the verge of tears and "deaf" to Oliver talking to me, I I just went to lie down a bit as I didn't want to scare them. Mike as always hadn't a worry in the world, you know those people that don't worry unless there is actually something to worry about? Until some tells them "now you worry", they are just eternal optimist. That's him. And just as well or we would have had to call a sitter to mind the children.

Anyway this morning I called the doctor first thing. The secretary told me she'll chase the results straight away and the GP would call me in minutes. Minutes turned into a couple of hours and I had a lecture in the meantime. When she did call the first thing she said was that the MRI was fine and why was I worrying so much. I told her what I found in the scan and she did say it was mentioned in the report as an aspecific area of higher contrast but nothing to be worried about at all, they didn't even think it needed a follow up, just one of those thing I may have had all along. Such a relief.

Suddenly I was so so tired I could have gone to bed on the spot. But I did go to see my psychotherapist and it felt good. We are exploring more what may have started all thins now that the crisis is averted. I truly hope I can get better, because I think I really hit rock bottom this time.

Thank you all for the support and love in the last few days, you were a life saver.

Progress

Progress on all fronts.
Thank you so much for your love and support in my last post. I do feel a bit better, blood tests came back and after an initial bout of anxiety (a couple of hormones are below normal) I remembered among my friends who are doctors I have an endocrinologist and so I called in a favour for his opinion. He was great and very reassuring, he believes there is nothing wrong with my sight and/or hypophysis and that really the GP was just being extra careful. As you know some part of me still thinks something will shop up in the scan on wednesday but I'm taming that thought. Also after a few more days of headaches and the like I got my period, 21 days long. And then the headache is gone and the eye is back to normal. Go figure.

I did stick to my plan though and contacted the psychotherapist I did the mindfulness course with and she saw my on thursday. I was already a bit better but seeing her really helped. She gave me some tools to use, one for example is to give the state of anxiety a name, so when I feel those thoughts appearing I can tell myself straight away "oh there's my darkness lurking" or whatever I felt like calling it. I called it Johnny. Because you know, it'll sound like "Heeeere's Johnny!" a la Jack Nicholson in The Shining when out of his mind was axing through the bathroom door! I thought I could do with a bit of a laugh. And it's working. Seriously. Another very important tip is to be aware this anxiety is not my full self, but just one part of me, that I have to acknowledge but not allow to take over, the key is to stop the feeding mechanism that fuels the anxiety which triggers the physical response (say tight chest) which then goes back to the amigdala which fires the alarm signals of imminent danger, anxiety and back to the beginning. Hopefully it'll get me through the next few days.

Martina was nine month old on thursday and on friday she slept for the first time through the night. Not a peep from her for 12 hours. Unbelievable. Tonight she has cried already so I won't be counting my chickens yet. But it's major progress, even if it's one night occasionally, we are totally regenerated. And her first tooth cut through just yesterday!

Oliver definitely seems to favour speaking Italian with me even if we are outside, at the creche or in a generally English speaking environment, and he is very good, fluent really, and very funny. He is still super cuddly and love hugs and kisses, does that to Martina more often than not and she is in awe, he can do no wrong to her eyes, it's really sweet to watch! Have a look at one of his funny faces (before the haircut last night!).

OB 31 weeks update

All is well with the little bundle of joy! Growing steadily (though not a huge baby and as always a week or so behind when checking AC), excellent fluids levels, placenta very good looking and Phoenix managed a few kicks while under the scanner! S/he is head down and with the shins on my right side, not very pleasant! Next appointment in two weeks and it will be interesting to see how Phoenix performs as we approach 34 weeks as it was at that stage that Oliver growth arrested.

In other news I have decided to start a course in mindfulness, any of you has experience in this? I will start this Thursday and see how it goes, I love the idea of a meditation technique which will have me focussed on the present and help me not to worry about the future. I will let you know how it goes! I am not doing antenatal classes or yoga, you might remember the crazy antenatal yoga teacher I found the last time...but I need something to keep me grounded.

Still on pregnancy news, I have this CONSTANT blocked/stuffed nose which I don't remember from the first time around. I read up on this and it happens in the 30% of pregnancies...I swear I have a toilet paper roll in my office as it's cheaper than buying a ton of Kleenex. Anyone has suggestions as to what could help clearing this disgusting phlegm that has now been awarded citizenship in my throat/nose?

Oh and here's a belly pix from right now!