Monday, June 29, 2015

Out of the Country and back in again

Oh dear, it really has been this long already! Thank you to my dear friend Valery for checking in, I thought I might do a quick update.
So the first month here in Davis has been productive, I have submitted a major grant proposal, a revised version of a paper and did all my training. Ordered some material we needed to start actually doing something in the lab and prepared for the interview.

Yes the interview. I flew out on monday, landed in Dublin on tuesday at lunch time, flew to the UK on thursday morning early, back to Dublin late on friday night and back to San Francisco on Saturday morning. Let me tell you it was intense. What did I get out of it all? (a part from a uti which started coming on 2 hours on the plane ride back to SFO...) I will know by the end of next week. I thought it went well, but it may be just another Fulbright fiasco, I did my best, not necessarily I get the job. It was a great experience and it will be a fabulous opportunity if it comes through. I promise I will keep you posted.

Mike and I are more apart than ever. Yes we are very civil, we have our routine, we have sex, etc, but we don't talk. I actually don't feel like talking much at all to him, I rather talk to friends and colleagues. To be honest this has always been the case, even during the treatments, if you are bothered to check out old posts, I was very much dealing with it all by myself. Only now it seems so much more obvious and so much harder to accept. I knew I always compromised on the emotional aspect and mental connection of our relationship, I thought after all nobody is perfect. Just now the fact that he seems to be the only one not knowing what to say if I am worried or need reassurance about the interview etc, is unbearable. The trip away was great to get some space. I was very happy to come back and see the children but with him I am feeling very much I am playing a part. I will give it some time, we have had lots going on, maybe it's just that.

5 comments:

  1. So happy to see an update! We really should schedule some time to get together! My fingers are crossed for the interview turning out well!

    As for you and Mike...couples have ups and downs. You both have been through so much over the last few years. Give it some time! But, nevertheless, I am sending so much love to everyone!!!

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  2. Ha ha Fran, faster than lightning! Good to hear the good things are going well.
    as for the husband thing, especially if it has always been this way, this is not going to change by magic, but it is going to take work. Every time I see my BambiEyes she asks me questions like 'Have you asked him to listen to your fears?' 'Have you asked him to not give you advice but give you a hug?' Because being married is not the same thing as becoming a mind reader.
    Yes of course you both may need some time to recover from your last clash.
    Also, are there little things you can do? go for lunch together? maybe he needs to know he is still special to you too.
    Don't take it from me, but talk to your own therapist, it is so worthwhile to enjoy and live life together, rather than just surviving.
    Hugs from Amsterdam.

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  3. Sounds like you did an awesome job at the interview. Hope you get good news quickly.

    My marriage ebbs and flows too. Especially since having kids. It's much harder to mark it a priority when I expend so much of my energy on two toddlers. Hopefully you guys will get back into a grove soon.

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  4. My marriage isn't great either but we know we love each other and when we do connect it's nice. Nice. Not earth shattering. But we care for each other and tell each other that regularly. Sex though, what's that?
    We are going to family therapy because Izzy has really bad separation anxiety ( although it's getting better now) that started when Susan started training for a new job and was out and we had to get babysitters.
    She is the SAHM. Anyway, I'm secretly hoping that this family therapy helps us too. Hey, it'll be an hour devoted to our family and nothing else each week. So that's got to be good. We have so much stress and I get angry and resentful and yell. Not good. And she has so much physical pain. So yeah. But being with a woman who is sensitive really helps. She doesn't always know what to say but she tries. It's hard. Just to say I know sthg of this. And it won't get better without some attention. Hugs!
    Good luck on the work stuff. I hope you get what you want and need in that department too! Xoxo

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  5. Wow - that sounds like such a whirlwind. I will be keeping fingers crossed for the job.

    I think everyone that has been married can relate to what you are saying. I feel like relationships are cyclical - sometimes things that would regularly fly under the radar become issues, and then either through talking or just through time they right themselves again.

    I can relate to having a husband that doesn't know how to fulfill emotional needs. Life has been very stressful for me since the miscarriage (who am I kidding - for the last few years) and a lot of the time I feel like I am going through it on my own. I have told my husband specifically what I need in some situations and that seems to help. Sometimes. Anyway, send you some love from Canada.

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