Friday, October 2, 2015

Unsettled boardeline unhappy

It's been a while.

September is over and there was my birthday (forgotten by Mike yet again till the evening) and his (remembered as always). I bought myself my birthday present on his behalf. I carefully chose his present.

I am not happy. Not so much about the birthdays but about the overall feelings and lack of connection. I don't even want to try an fix it which I think it's what is mostly unsettling. I have had these feelings yet again to hop on a plane and take a break from family life. Just be on my own for a few days. At least.

We talk normally about nothing important. Sex is to a minimum and I don't enjoy it at all. It actually annoys me the way he touches me, I just want it to be over with. He doesn't seem to mind, or is not interested or he just doesn't want to talk about it. That's our norm. It has always been our norm.

He has not even started looking for jobs in the UK. Asked me when I think he should start if he is like....12 or so. I'm so so tired.

The children are at least mostly great. Oliver loves school and while he has to get up much earlier than normal, he is quite ok. Only every evening when I come home (generally minutes after Mike and the children are home) I find him screaming his head off as he is doing time-out for a reason or another. Every. Evening. Every. Evening. So I don't know if every time he deserves this time out but it is clearly not working as it takes three times longer, he is in a fit, we are all stressed out. This morning was not a good one either. Himself and Mike were "doing a race" about getting dressed. Mike won (no comments here). Oliver cried (again it's not normal crying, it's shouting, hitting things etc) for about 20 minutes until I lost my patience and shouted at him back...not proud I know, I do this more often than I would like to admit...but he doesn't hear any reason when he is in such a state. And my day feels completely ruined. Or at least really on a bad start. On the drive to school I tried talking to him, asked him why he was behaving this way ("I don't know") and that I didn't know how to help him. Martina is 2.5 and way more reasonable. Not sure I am doing a good job at all as a mom, certainly not as a wife, and I'm doubting I'm even a good friend to anyone at this moment in time.


  1. Oh Fran! it sounds like you are on the brink of tears and I just want to hug you. Screaming children for no reason is hard, it feels hard and it is even harder to try and connect again.
    Of course screaming back is a natural reaction, a way to communicate on his level. And of course you realise you are the adult and there should be better, nicer ways. Sometimes all it takes is getting down on your knees with him, look at the situation/problem together, and find a way for him to deal with it. Preferably before the screaming starts.
    It sounds a bit like they all love you and want your guidance. That is GOOD! And it also sounds like you want someone to hold your hand as well, maybe talk to your therapist?
    I know how you feel a little (I think), it is so nice to hop on a plane and not worry about anyone else, I know.
    Feel free to complain here, or in email. But I do think it would be nice if you could get past the complaints, I don't think it is unreasonable to hold Mike's hand while job humting in a country you already found a job in. Yes he is a grown up man, but maybe this is his way of building bridges with you? maybe the move freakes him out?
    Go to yoga, get a massage, take some time for you and go find the energy and creative ways to connect. I seriously recommend one on one time with your male family members!!!
    And I offer virtual girlfriend tea time, we could maybe do Skype on a weekend day?

  2. Oops, that was almost an essay there. Sorry.
    from Amsterdam with Love

  3. Oh Fran, I can so relate to this. I sometimes feel like DH and I are no longer on the same team. It sucks. I recognize thsThat having two toddlers, one that's quite a bit more demanding than the other, has been really hard on my marriage. My husband and I literally cannot have a complete conversation with them both around. And when they are finally in bed the last thing I want to do is talk to someone else. But it's taken a lot of talking to get us back on track and we have to be vigilant so as to not get derailed again. Maybe you and mike need a few days alone to reconnect? I imagine finding a new job in a new country feels daunting. I hope things start to get better for you. Hang in there. Every marriage has ebbs and flows.

  4. Dear Fran, I much wish to be able to give you now a super strong hug, with plenty of energy and joy. You know, you remain your good self whatever the situation is at home, and you have been such a good friend, a best friend, and you will stay this. And so hope that these many and deep friendships provide the energy to get over Oliver's cranky phases. May be that he just needs to get a physical work out after all the concentration at school, and home is his perfect place (only for the parents, this is not rewarding at all...). Hope that phase is not of too long a duration, it takes loads of energy out.
    There will be a way out this situation, I am sure. And the friendships you have built up will support you in going that way, no doubt.
    Much love and support from the mountains

  5. Sorry to hear things are not going as well as you would like. Marriage is tough, I can relate to much of what you have written. I would be annoyed about the job hunt thong as well. It is not like he is asking you to help him with his resum. Maybe if things were going better between the two of you, you would have been in a more helpful mood.

    As to the tantrums, G had been going through similar tantrums. We have talked a lot about taking a tummy breath. She gets that it is a mini break for herself and it has really helped. I also ask her if she needs a hug, which 9 times out of 10 helps break her out of the tantrum. thinking of you. xo

  6. Dear Fran,

    I sniffed something in one of your previous posts, which had some ominous hint at something else stewing. If this is what it is, it is awful.

    A child tantruming regularly? You should take it as normal. But a child tantruming daily due to a parent, or a parent competing with a kid (and not the reverse), makes me want to think of what is wrong with Mike?

    Of course, Oliver cannot fully explain what "just happened" because he is a child, but Mike is willingly skewing stuff.

    How can he forget your birthday again? It is possible for there to be an absent-minded spouse, but if it is important to you, and HE knows it, then he must make the efforts. And there are 200 apps out there that can be used for reminders. He does not need to bother, he just can use technology to do it for him (remind, that is).

    I think there is a huge disconnect between you and Mike and it must have been simmering. Find out what is going on in Mike's mind.

    Can you make arrangements such that the time of arrival at home changes a bit?

    Is he too tired by the time he comes home, and he himself is running out of patience.

    Therapy, perhaps?

    And a gentle reminder to him that it is he who is the grown up and not Oliver.

  7. Maybe he just does not want to go to UK?

  8. Sending you a hug Fran. I am sorry to find you having a hard time. I have friends in similar situations with their spouses. One is just beginning therapy and I think that will help them. I can also relate to much of what you have described, I think we all can. xoxo


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