10 month old update

Oh man, we were sick with the flu complicated by a strep throat infection. Both Mike and I are on antibiotics, that didn't make for a fun week let me tell you! But now we are all well, the children escaped it somehow so at least it's just us having to recover.
My periods seems to have settled on a 21-23 days in length which is a real pain, mostly for the pool. Thankfully this time it coincided with being sick so I would not have been able to go swimming anyway. I will start again tomorrow.

Martina is 10 months old today, she has been teething non stop since her first tooth not even a month ago, she has 4 through and a 5th one nearly there, the poor chicken can't get a bit of a break, but at least then they'll be out and we can move on.

Both herself and Oliver went for their developmental check 10 days ago, and all is well. She is crawling at speed now, with a straight leg in front of her (quite funny to watch) and gives the impression she is going to stand up an walk instead. I'd say it wont be long.
We finally moved her into her room on friday, two days shy of ten month as our room-mate, but what can I tell you, she is still waking once at least, it was just unthinkable to do it when she was up 3/4 times a night. She seems to love her room and for us it's nearly strange not to have to tip toe when we go to bed.

Oliver is my big boy, I have started changing a bit my way of relating to him (I was a bit short fused for a while and threats were my way of getting him to to things), we spend much more quality time together, including going to the pool just the two of us at weekends and it is really helping building trust and recognising boundaries. I am proud of myself and really really proud of him too.

I am also doing well, still haven't started with the new therapist (very difficult to match her schedule with mine and she is very busy), I'll see her in just over a week, very curious about it. The chiropractor has given me a new life for sure, I am so so happy, now I'm going to see him every 10 days or so and then it'll be once a month for maintenance. I'm stil keeping a diary for headaches and general feelings, it really helps to notice how long I now go without a headache. Long may it last!

How it is going

I am feeling so much better the difference is apparent to other people. I stuck to my plan of swimming every second day (a part from today that it was snowing! Will go tomorrow), and the energy I have now was unimaginable only last week. At the weekend I brought the children to the pool and Oliver loved it so much we had to come back on the sunday. He talks about it every day, so I guess it will be our destination for a while.
Dr.A is a fabulous physician and within days I could feel the difference in the tension in my neck. I sleep so much better (I also changed my pillow to an orthopedic one in memory foam), I wake up rested (Martina permitting) and ready to go for the day. I went today for my fourth session and he was really impressed with the progress, I told him I keep a diary of my headaches and since I saw him I can definitely say I had none. I know it's only ten days, but I would not have gone more than a week without one since December. Often I would have it twice a week. I am mindful of doing the exercises he suggested during the day and this together with swimming is working its magic.
I have had my last session with MissC, I am thankfully in a completely different place now and I hope to stay here for a while. Again, practicing mindfulness if only once a day for a few minutes just to reground myself is essential. I can feel I am getting back in control of my thoughts. I will go see her again maybe in a month time as a sort of follow up session, I really like her. As that is finished and my chiropractors visits are going to be once a week from next week, I thought of giving CBT a go (cognitive behavioural therapy). I was given a name of a very good psychotherapist which lives and practice on my side of the city and will start seeing her next week. I am not sure what to expect, now that I feel better, I suppose I hope to learn a method that will retrain my way of thinking. She is quite expensive and insurance does not cover, so this better be a love at first sight or I know I won't go back. Will keep you posted.

The new me

After the shocking bout of anxiety I suffered in the past few weeks, I realised I have to take serious actions. And I did.
I will see weekly my psychotherapist which I'll call MissC, her approach is based on mindfulness and I can see the benefit already. I really should have kept up the mindfulness meditations but ah well, I didn't. Can't recriminate too much on the past and so I'm just starting again.

I have started also to go to a chiropractor, Dr.A, he is phenomenal. I went there on saturday (despite the fact that the MRI was totally reassuring, the headaches had not gone away and they really affected my life), and he got my history, checked me, noticed immediately the atlas (the first of the cervical vertebra, C1) was shifted to the left, possibly narrowing the channel where the trigeminal nerve stems. It makes perfect sense, all my aches are on the left side, and the tingling sensation also is on the left side. I can really describe my headaches as if they were on the surface of the skull rather than deep inside the head. Apparently these are the hallmarks for trigeminal issues. I thought that type of pain should have been unbearable (they say it can make people suicidal) but he explained that like everything there are various degrees of inflammation and mine is obviously not that severe, but still sufficient to give me headaches and associated issues. Of course being stressed and anxious is adding to the pile, tension in the shoulders and neck is a killer for this. After the first treatment I felt completely different, yes perhaps I'm easily fooled and it's all a big placebo effect, but I have not had the tingling in the face and only occasional very transient aches over my left ear. I keep a diary of the headaches so that we know if this is helping or not. I went today again and will go for another couple of treatments in a short time and then we'll maintain and do more gentle and minor adjustments. I am really positive this is the way to go for me.

Finally, true to my new year resolution, I joined the super fancy gym recently opened on campus yesterday. As a staff member I get a good discount and the annual membership can be freezed for up to 3 month so there is a bit of flexibility for holidays etc. It is two minutes walk from my office, has a 50m pool which is almost deserted during the day and I can fit at least three swims per week between lectures. My goal is to swim 2k (40 legs) once I'll be up for it hopefully in a few weeks and keep that as my exercise. Yesterday I swam 600m so I know I have a good bit to go, but I feel great and really motivated. There is also a spa corner and a children pool, as my two are less that 4 years old they have free access. We are going to try it out this weekend. So tomorrow is day 2 in the pool for me and the weather here is horrendous (floods, millions in damages to properties etc), somehow the fact that this doesn't discourage me the least and I have already prepared the bag for the gym, gives me great confidence I'll stick with the plan!

Life is good

Yesterday was the worst day i had in years. Did the MRI and the tech would not say absolutely anything not even under bribery. They do however give you a CD with all the images. The report is sent to your doctor within 24 hours. And my doctor on wednesday is open only in the morning.
So of course what do I do? But torturing myself by "reading" the images of course!
In fairness things are so crystal clear you could try and see if you can make an educated guess. And so I did. Most of the sequences looked totally normal, certainly I could not identify any mass anywhere, or areas that looked odd. Till I got to a couple of scans in which I could clearly see a little white spot which measured about 0.5cm x 0.2cm and it was definitely there, I could see it both in the axial and sagittal views. But only on one set of images with a particular contrast. I worked myself up into a state of pure anxiety, seriously, I was almost paralysed. I contacted all my doctor friends and asked for an opinion, non of them is a neuroradiologist unfortunately and of course I could see the images on my laptop with the programme embedded in the CD, but I could not save and email them (couldn't remember for the life of me how to take a screenshot). So it was all trough the phone, skype and whatsapp. They were all great, I found out today they had a mini session talking about me (and concluding it was probably nothing to worry about). But I did worry, a lot. I was thinking it could have been a small aneurysm or an area of demyelination. Somehow it sounded even worse than a brain tumour.
Mike looked after the children as I was in no state to do so, on the verge of tears and "deaf" to Oliver talking to me, I I just went to lie down a bit as I didn't want to scare them. Mike as always hadn't a worry in the world, you know those people that don't worry unless there is actually something to worry about? Until some tells them "now you worry", they are just eternal optimist. That's him. And just as well or we would have had to call a sitter to mind the children.

Anyway this morning I called the doctor first thing. The secretary told me she'll chase the results straight away and the GP would call me in minutes. Minutes turned into a couple of hours and I had a lecture in the meantime. When she did call the first thing she said was that the MRI was fine and why was I worrying so much. I told her what I found in the scan and she did say it was mentioned in the report as an aspecific area of higher contrast but nothing to be worried about at all, they didn't even think it needed a follow up, just one of those thing I may have had all along. Such a relief.

Suddenly I was so so tired I could have gone to bed on the spot. But I did go to see my psychotherapist and it felt good. We are exploring more what may have started all thins now that the crisis is averted. I truly hope I can get better, because I think I really hit rock bottom this time.

Thank you all for the support and love in the last few days, you were a life saver.

Progress

Progress on all fronts.
Thank you so much for your love and support in my last post. I do feel a bit better, blood tests came back and after an initial bout of anxiety (a couple of hormones are below normal) I remembered among my friends who are doctors I have an endocrinologist and so I called in a favour for his opinion. He was great and very reassuring, he believes there is nothing wrong with my sight and/or hypophysis and that really the GP was just being extra careful. As you know some part of me still thinks something will shop up in the scan on wednesday but I'm taming that thought. Also after a few more days of headaches and the like I got my period, 21 days long. And then the headache is gone and the eye is back to normal. Go figure.

I did stick to my plan though and contacted the psychotherapist I did the mindfulness course with and she saw my on thursday. I was already a bit better but seeing her really helped. She gave me some tools to use, one for example is to give the state of anxiety a name, so when I feel those thoughts appearing I can tell myself straight away "oh there's my darkness lurking" or whatever I felt like calling it. I called it Johnny. Because you know, it'll sound like "Heeeere's Johnny!" a la Jack Nicholson in The Shining when out of his mind was axing through the bathroom door! I thought I could do with a bit of a laugh. And it's working. Seriously. Another very important tip is to be aware this anxiety is not my full self, but just one part of me, that I have to acknowledge but not allow to take over, the key is to stop the feeding mechanism that fuels the anxiety which triggers the physical response (say tight chest) which then goes back to the amigdala which fires the alarm signals of imminent danger, anxiety and back to the beginning. Hopefully it'll get me through the next few days.

Martina was nine month old on thursday and on friday she slept for the first time through the night. Not a peep from her for 12 hours. Unbelievable. Tonight she has cried already so I won't be counting my chickens yet. But it's major progress, even if it's one night occasionally, we are totally regenerated. And her first tooth cut through just yesterday!

Oliver definitely seems to favour speaking Italian with me even if we are outside, at the creche or in a generally English speaking environment, and he is very good, fluent really, and very funny. He is still super cuddly and love hugs and kisses, does that to Martina more often than not and she is in awe, he can do no wrong to her eyes, it's really sweet to watch! Have a look at one of his funny faces (before the haircut last night!).

In the black hole

Well, you may be wondering how I have been so long without talking about being anxious...it's not that long really, but I'm in that place again...It all started with a "glare" in my left eye. I first noticed this odd sensation (as if my left eye was seeing too well, like too much light coming in) a couple of years ago. It came and went after a few days. I went to my ophthalmologist once I was in Italy and checked out perfectly, he said I had to use artificial tears as my eyes were very dry. Gave me a bunch of samples, I still have them. Then it happened again sometime in September, same thing it came and went after a few days, perhaps associated with some headache like the first time, I did put the drops in and seemed to help. I thought I better get my eyes checked again, but then didn't. And now I have it again. To see an ophthalmologist here for the first time, you have to go to a GP to get a referral no matter whether you are a private patient or on a medical card (in Italy you can simply look up someone on the yellow pages, call and get an appointment, you only go to the GP if you want to go with the NHS). So off I go to the GP and there was a new doctor in the centre I had not met before but she was really thorough. Couldn't see anything really wrong with my eyes herself, and while getting my history I happened to say that I was still lactating though I stopped breastfeeding in the middle of December. I did suffer of hyperprolactinemia when I was a teenager so I wondered myself if breastfeeding put my hypophysis under stress more than normal. Alarm bells must have gone off as she said we better check the hypophysis so, I'll write you a referral for an MRI as well as blood work to check your hormones. Now, rationally I know she recommended the MRI just to be completely sure there is NOT a problem, and even if there was such a lesion, it would be benign (I know as I had been checked by MRI for the same thing when I was 17), but you can imagine, my "what ifs" went in overdrive. I got in with a fab ophthalmologist the day after the GP visit, got fully checked, including visual field, facial nerves reactivity on top of the usual things, and I was stellar. She said the glare can easily be due to dry eye, (and explained very well the principles of incidental light on a rough surface) which like anything can be worse at times and better other times. But of course said to do the MRI and she would add to the hypophysis scan also the orbits and the optic nerves. Just in case. Just to be completely certain is nothing else than a dry eye. I've done the bloodtest on friday, will get results probably already tomorrow and I have the MRI on the 29th of January, I know it's not long to wait by any means, but I want it over and done with. Will call every day in case there is a cancellation. They will give me a CD with the scans on the day (in case I want to watch them by myself and see things for sure) and will write a report within 24 hours, if I don't die with anxiety I'll be doing well. Now I think there'll be nothing in the hypophysis, but there will be something much worse discovered by pure coincidence... of course I suddenly developed a range of new (phanta?)symptoms too. And I am running movies in my head of the children growing without me, the sadness, the many moments I won't be there...Martina won't even remember me and perhaps not even Oliver. I'm torturing myself.
I swore that if it turns out to be as simple as a dry eye I will have to start serious therapy. I'm ruining my life worrying about the worst possible scenarios, that is not living at all, it's like being in Hell already, so what's the point?

Bear with me till I get my results...

Settling into a new routine

We are back since last tuesday night. I realised I didn't mention that Oliver is no longer going to his old creche, we took him out for the whole month of December as we were going to Italy, initially thinking he would go back in January and Martina would join him in February, but then a few things happened over the last few months (change in management, massive staff turnover, lots of confusions about moving rooms, a bully in his room, and finally the last of the carers we knew from the beginning also decided to quit) that made us decide it was time for a change. When we had the original induction in the creche, things didn't really go smoothly and on that occasion I had contacted the sister of one of my PhD students who owned a creche very near our home, she was great but had no space available and then things just improved in the place and we left it at that. Anyway, I contacted her again in October given our cooling feelings for the hold place and incidentally she had two places starting in January, one for Martina and one for Oliver! I went to see the creche straight away and oh my God what a difference! It is a much smaller place of course, but the outdoor space is massive, very well cared for and the children rooms are in little individual wooden houses. The best thing is that the carers have been there for many many years (the two in the baby room they have been there for 15 and 17 years!) and the place feels extremely settled. Another nice thing is that this place is up on the hills, about 2.5km from our home, not really on the way to work but at this stage that doesn't matter. The views from the gardens over the city are stunning, the road to get to the creche is a country side lane, I don't think I ever crossed another car, very very quiet, and fairy tale style really. To add to this, the rates are cheaper and would you believe it, they offer a service of school pick ups when the children go to school!! They collect them, bring them back to the creche, feed them and have their homework done by the time you go and take them home. Phenomenal service.
So I brought both children in for a couple of hours on Wednesday, they both loved it, and by the time it was friday they were in full time. Martina slept easily there and Oliver loves the fact that he can go and see her if he wants. We couldn't be happier, they are safe, they have a great time and lots of love from very experienced (mother-type) carers. So that is one thing sorted for good.

Another update is that both Mike and I feel we have to get back in shape, we are not overweight by any means, but we are not fit at all anymore. I will join the college gym in February and Mike deiced to start training for an adventure race which will take place in April. We can do it. By the time I'm 40 in September, I want to be happy about myself again. This is my new year resolution.

MIL is doing better, it was touch and go for a while and I was worried sick about her, but after a bit of a confrontational conversation with her doctors (I was NOT impressed with the level of care), things started improving a bit. On friday we had a family meeting and I was shocked to hear that the survival rate after a double leg amputation at 12 month is only 30%....let's hope she is in that 30%.

Martina has just today started crawling a little bit, but she much prefers standing which meant we had to lower the mattress in her cot. Her sleep is a bit better, some nights we only have to get up once for a feed. We hope to move her into her room by the end of the month.

Better go now, I'll try and post a bit more often, hope you are all well.