Sunday, January 19, 2014

In the black hole

Well, you may be wondering how I have been so long without talking about being's not that long really, but I'm in that place again...It all started with a "glare" in my left eye. I first noticed this odd sensation (as if my left eye was seeing too well, like too much light coming in) a couple of years ago. It came and went after a few days. I went to my ophthalmologist once I was in Italy and checked out perfectly, he said I had to use artificial tears as my eyes were very dry. Gave me a bunch of samples, I still have them. Then it happened again sometime in September, same thing it came and went after a few days, perhaps associated with some headache like the first time, I did put the drops in and seemed to help. I thought I better get my eyes checked again, but then didn't. And now I have it again. To see an ophthalmologist here for the first time, you have to go to a GP to get a referral no matter whether you are a private patient or on a medical card (in Italy you can simply look up someone on the yellow pages, call and get an appointment, you only go to the GP if you want to go with the NHS). So off I go to the GP and there was a new doctor in the centre I had not met before but she was really thorough. Couldn't see anything really wrong with my eyes herself, and while getting my history I happened to say that I was still lactating though I stopped breastfeeding in the middle of December. I did suffer of hyperprolactinemia when I was a teenager so I wondered myself if breastfeeding put my hypophysis under stress more than normal. Alarm bells must have gone off as she said we better check the hypophysis so, I'll write you a referral for an MRI as well as blood work to check your hormones. Now, rationally I know she recommended the MRI just to be completely sure there is NOT a problem, and even if there was such a lesion, it would be benign (I know as I had been checked by MRI for the same thing when I was 17), but you can imagine, my "what ifs" went in overdrive. I got in with a fab ophthalmologist the day after the GP visit, got fully checked, including visual field, facial nerves reactivity on top of the usual things, and I was stellar. She said the glare can easily be due to dry eye, (and explained very well the principles of incidental light on a rough surface) which like anything can be worse at times and better other times. But of course said to do the MRI and she would add to the hypophysis scan also the orbits and the optic nerves. Just in case. Just to be completely certain is nothing else than a dry eye. I've done the bloodtest on friday, will get results probably already tomorrow and I have the MRI on the 29th of January, I know it's not long to wait by any means, but I want it over and done with. Will call every day in case there is a cancellation. They will give me a CD with the scans on the day (in case I want to watch them by myself and see things for sure) and will write a report within 24 hours, if I don't die with anxiety I'll be doing well. Now I think there'll be nothing in the hypophysis, but there will be something much worse discovered by pure coincidence... of course I suddenly developed a range of new (phanta?)symptoms too. And I am running movies in my head of the children growing without me, the sadness, the many moments I won't be there...Martina won't even remember me and perhaps not even Oliver. I'm torturing myself.
I swore that if it turns out to be as simple as a dry eye I will have to start serious therapy. I'm ruining my life worrying about the worst possible scenarios, that is not living at all, it's like being in Hell already, so what's the point?

Bear with me till I get my results...


  1. I would be freaked out and I am glad you are being thoroughly examined. My thoughts are with you and I am praying for easy answers.

  2. So sorry you feel like this. Big hugs.
    Can you time box it? Do you still have your mindfulness tapes maybe? bah for this two-week-wait, hope you will find things to take your mind of it.

  3. BIG HUGS!!! I know how those emotions feels and it's awful! I have found that planning an event (party, outing, vacation) is helpful in keeping my mind off those horrible feelings. But, it's only a stop-gag until my brain catches up.
    I am quite sure that you are healthy and on the 29th and will be smiling again!! Call/text if you ever want to chat!!!

  4. Please remember that 99% of the things we worry about never come to pass. I know how it is and how we can let our minds run wild on us. Since you know you are prone to doing this, keep an eye out for it. When it happens, tell yourself that you do not need to worry about anything unless and until you have something concrete to worry about.

    I know it's difficult! I am there with you and sending you good thoughts, hugs and support.

  5. It's normal to be worried. It's abnormal to let it consume you. :) I know, easier said than done. I will pray you will get a happy report in the end!!

  6. I anxiety can so easily snowball and become all-consuming. I've been there. I hope you get relieving results from your MRI. Hang in there. Hopefully Martina's sleep keeps on track. That certainly helps!

  7. Of course it is normal to be freaked out, but when control over the morbid scenarios eludes you, I agree you should get some specialised help to get it back. I have such morbid movies running in my head as well when I have a near accident (or it just seems so to me), or, oddly, when I walk on the platform waiting for the subway, and I see that line one should not cross, but once I realise that I am doing it AGAIN, I redirect my focus and shake off those feelings. It is actually quite easy now, since I have discovered a method of counting small steps to a bright place, in my head of course. It all sounds weird and make me think I should heed my own advice and go talk to some professional as well. :-) But it works for me, I can let those dreadful images go, and so far, I am ok with that. Hope the results give you back your peace of mind. I am hoping they show nothing more than a dry eye.


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