All through the first trimester I was totally zen, should I have lost Phoenix it would have been likely a chromosomal issue and I was totally fine with that. Also having Oliver already gave me a very different perspective and I was very much relaxed. You may remember I bled/spotted every week for about 14 weeks, man that's a long time. Yet I wasn't particularly freaking out about it, my attitude was mostly "if it's over I just want to know" followed by "I'm glad all is well". Time just flew by this time, and I remember how looooong every day was with Oliver's pregnancy. I have enjoyed being pregnant so far, I'm proudly patting myself on the back for this, I had promised I would not ruin another pregnancy should I have been so lucky to get pregnant again.
So what has changed? Well there was that poor woman's case I talked about a few posts back. She very likely had an incompetent cervix and that was caused the unavoidable loss of her pregnancy at 17 weeks (and the honorific loss of her own life too). While that made me worrying about the what if that was me, it was more due to the fact that I would not want to lose my life in similar circumstances! I wasn't really worried I could have an incompetent cervix. Sure I didn't dilate at all at 37 weeks after two rounds of inductions, my cervix likes to be shut closed. Ok, I just read it's possible to have an IC for the first time during your second pregnancy, but it's much more unlikely in my case (no vaginal delivery, singleton pregnancy). So I ticked this one off the list of possible-tragedies-out-of-my-control. But as I reach 20 weeks and my anatomy scan is one week away, I can't help feeling yet again anxious. You know it's great when you feel movements, it's so so reassuring, but I didn't document properly how it was at the very beginning with Oliver's movements and so I'm freaking out Phoenix is not moving much. Then I reassure myself as every day the few movements become actually stronger and maybe (just maybe) a bit more frequent, last night Mike felt a kick (or whatever) with his hand! So that must be a good sign that the baby is growing well, right? I'm not even 20 weeks yet, still plenty of room, right? I do tell myself reassuring things all the time, which end with "and in any case, there is NOTHING I could do, should there be something wrong at this stage". That works for a bit. This is associated with the fact that Phoenix heartbeat is definitely slower than Oliver's was. I know I know I know it is totally within normal ranges, I said it myself in the last post. I also find the HB always in the same spot, maybe he just like staying there...Yet I think all these things make me think there is something wrong...I'm going to spell it out what I think it's wrong, maybe doing this will have some sort of therapeutic effect. I for some reason imagine Phoenix wrapped up in the umbilical cord...so wrapped up he can't move much and maybe his blood-flow is reduced...I fear at next week scan we'll be told he has not grown much, that the cord will eventually tight too much and he will die. Or that he had some sort of a cardiac defect. There. I said it. Somehow now the thought (fear) of loosing this baby is as terrible as if it was the first one. I tell myself again this can in fact happen and I can't do anything about it, I am still blessed to have Oliver, and lucky enough to have 4 more penguins in the freezer. And I am ashamed I'm even thinking this, what's the point in worrying when there's no reason to do so? It's ridiculous and just plain stupid. I know. I envy the pregnant teenagers, who have no doubt pregnancy equals baby. Fears is just not part of their experience. Of course I'm also torturing myself reading tragic stories on the web. I wish there was an electric shock through the keyboard any time I type something in google tragedy-related. Maybe that would work.
I will see my psychologist when I'm Italy after Christmas, it is wrong feeling so anxious, I can't be possibly worrying excessively for just about everything, some action must be taken.