Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Back in anxiety lane...

Ah yes...I was doing so well.

All through the first trimester I was totally zen, should I have lost Phoenix it would have been likely a chromosomal issue and I was totally fine with that. Also having Oliver already gave me a very different perspective and I was very much relaxed. You may remember I bled/spotted every week for about 14 weeks, man that's a long time. Yet I wasn't particularly freaking out about it, my attitude was mostly "if it's over I just want to know" followed by "I'm glad all is well". Time just flew by this time, and I remember how looooong every day was with Oliver's pregnancy. I have enjoyed being pregnant so far, I'm proudly patting myself on the back for this, I had promised I would not ruin another pregnancy should I have been so lucky to get pregnant again.

So what has changed? Well there was that poor woman's case I talked about a few posts back. She very likely had an incompetent cervix and that was caused the unavoidable loss of her pregnancy at 17 weeks (and the honorific loss of her own life too). While that made me worrying about the what if that was me, it was more due to the fact that I would not want to lose my life in similar circumstances! I wasn't really worried I could have an incompetent cervix. Sure I didn't dilate at all at 37 weeks after two rounds of inductions, my cervix likes to be shut closed. Ok, I just read it's possible to have an IC for the first time during your second pregnancy, but it's much more unlikely in my case (no vaginal delivery, singleton pregnancy). So I ticked this one off the list of possible-tragedies-out-of-my-control. But as I reach 20 weeks and my anatomy scan is one week away, I can't help feeling yet again anxious. You know it's great when you feel movements, it's so so reassuring, but I didn't document properly how it was at the very beginning with Oliver's movements and so I'm freaking out Phoenix is not moving much. Then I reassure myself as every day the few movements become actually stronger and maybe (just maybe) a bit more frequent, last night Mike felt a kick (or whatever) with his hand! So that must be a good sign that the baby is growing well, right? I'm not even 20 weeks yet, still plenty of room, right? I do tell myself reassuring things all the time, which end with "and in any case, there is NOTHING I could do, should there be something wrong at this stage". That works for a bit. This is associated with the fact that Phoenix heartbeat is definitely slower than Oliver's was. I know I know I know it is totally within normal ranges, I said it myself in the last post. I also find the HB always in the same spot, maybe he just like staying there...Yet I think all these things make me think there is something wrong...I'm going to spell it out what I think it's wrong, maybe doing this will have some sort of therapeutic effect. I for some reason imagine Phoenix wrapped up in the umbilical cord...so wrapped up he can't move much and maybe his blood-flow is reduced...I fear at next week scan we'll be told he has not grown much, that the cord will eventually tight too much and he will die. Or that he had some sort of a cardiac defect. There. I said it. Somehow now the thought (fear) of loosing this baby is as terrible as if it was the first one. I tell myself again this can in fact happen and I can't do anything about it, I am still blessed to have Oliver, and lucky enough to have 4 more penguins in the freezer. And I am ashamed I'm even thinking this, what's the point in worrying when there's no reason to do so? It's ridiculous and just plain stupid. I know. I envy the pregnant teenagers, who have no doubt pregnancy equals baby. Fears is just not part of their experience. Of course I'm also torturing myself reading tragic stories on the web. I wish there was an electric shock through the keyboard any time I type something in google tragedy-related. Maybe that would work.
I will see my psychologist when I'm Italy after Christmas, it is wrong feeling so anxious, I can't be possibly worrying excessively for just about everything, some action must be taken.

6 comments:

  1. Oh sweetheart, I totally get it! It's so hard to avoid those scary spiraling thoughts that end nowhere good. I think by all means avoid those scary stories. Can you talk to someone before you go to Italy? That's a long time to wait and be so anxious. Sometimes it is hard to turn those thoughts off no matter how we try to rationalize! Have you tried meditation xation tapes

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  2. Oh Fran... I'm sorr you are going through this. I am so sorry. STress and worry... it just takes its toll on you. I a seding lots of warm thoughts across the pond, a wishing you some peace this holiday season.

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  3. I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed. It always amazes me that people can go through an entire pregnancy without feeling any sort of anxiety. I agree with the previous poster that you need to avoid scary stories. When I was pregnant, if I started reading something and it became scary/depressing I would immediately click away. I could not bring that into my life during that time. I hope your therapist can help, but I hope you can get some reassurance before your trip. xx

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  4. I meant relaxation tapes but my phone did a number on me! Seems like a lot of my pregnant buddies are anxious right now. You don't need to suffer in silence. I hope you can get some help. I told another blogger about cognitive behavioral therapy that really helps you to deal with those unwanted negative thoughts that plague us when we are anxious. good luck and hope you can get some respite. I was a nervous wreck my whole pregnancy and esp the last half. It's no fun!!!
    BIg hugs, my friend:)

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  5. Sending warm re-assurance hugs to you xx

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  6. I think getting your fears out in words on paper or a screen is a good first step in letting them go. I'm struggling with getting my fears under control as well. Stay away from scary stories for sure. Sending you a big hug.

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