Heading off tomorrow and hopefully the hurricane will have lost strength and moved further north. I am very excited about this week away. I admit, I need some me time. I need to switch off the permanently on call button, I need to listen to my music and go back to a proper 20 minutes meditation, I need (desperately) to recharge my batteries as I am exhausted. I don't feel exhausted, I simply am. I may even be able to read a book. I realised it's been two years since I had a night to myself, when I went to the same conference after our amazing trip to California.
My parents arrived yesterday with great excitement on Oliver's part and a little perplexity on Martina's side who, I think, was wondering how it was possible that the people in the computer were now here in the kitchen. But one day in and she has already warmed up to the guests!
I have packed the suitcase (almost), found a few dollars from the last trip in a jar in the kitchen and charged my ipod, laptop and phone. I have packed a swimming suit as I want to go to the pool on campus during the week. However this may be a bit of an optimistic thought as my period has decided to be late again. So it'll probably start tomorrow or sunday, just as I am travelling.
I want to get back blogging a bit more often even if it's just for myself and my soul. It is good for me to be talking about life and feelings even if the original purpose of this blog has morphed significantly. It did me a world of good when I was going through infertility, I think it will help with the anxiety too, I have to write it down. I know it is less interesting for the wider blogging community, specially for those still chasing what may seem a chimera baby (and I wish you from the bottom of my heart that it will be a reality very soon) but it may still be nice for my long time cyberfriends to see how I get on and what we are up too (thank you Valery!). I know I miss a lot my old cyber friends, those that have stopped blogging altogether and those that are now posting very seldom. Maybe there is someone left out there thinking the same about me! Don't worry if you don't have time to comment, I know this is my life and not yours and you may have nothing to say, just let me know occasionally you are stopping by, I'll love it!
I'm considering changing the title of the blog, but I am so attached to it. What do you think?
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Friday, June 27, 2014
One more check (and I'll relax!)
So the pain in my upper abdomen to the left of the belly button is still there, intermittently, and it had started in March. Add changes in bathroom trips. Add "tamed" anxiety. An explosive mix. Literally.
So after a bit of internal debate, I decided to go back to the GP. Could I have developed some food intolerance after the rounds of antibiotics this year? I knew the ultrasound was clear but I still did not feel well at all. Before going to the GP I researched a few gastroenterologists and actually made a couple of calls to find out waiting times for the visit and possible scoping. This one stood out and thank God for health insurance I could get in pretty quickly. The GP was great, suspected maybe IBS (which I never had and of course it could start any time but every guidelines said if this is suspected after the age of 40 for the first time, other, more omnous causes, must be excluded) and had no problem writing me a referral for the top GI doc. I went to GP on a friday and I had the appointment with the specialist on Monday. That's amazing fast. She was fab, Canadian, trained between Ireland and the States, a cv you could make a blanked and have some left over. She was very reassuring but said let's have a look, just to be sure to be sure it's only stress. So I had a colonoscopy the day after. Never had one before and I was sedated for the procedure so that was a breeze. What is not so much a breeze is the clean prep you do beforehand! A must-watch hylarious gig from Billy Connolly on the matter here, and he seemed to have used pills, I had to drink 2 liters of solution in the evening and 2 more litres at 5 am on the morning of the procedure!!
Anyway, as always I'm not phased at all by medical procedures so I wasn't anxious and then afterwards slept for hours at home.. I think that was totally what I needed actually!! I went back today (after an immediate reassurance that all looked quite normal bar some small diverticula) for a chat and review of the results. She tested me for celiac disease (negative) and checked my thyroid function too (all good). She also took some random biopsies (all normal) and observed this diverticula in the upper part of the colon. Nothing to worry about, they are shallow and open, but unusual at my age, normally you find them in 55 year old males. Ah well. On top of this I have a thickening of the mussels on the left side and certainly a touch of IBS. So I'm so glad I was not imagining things, yes, keeping calm and meditating and sports will help minimising the anxiety and IBS, but the pain I feel is real, thankfully a benign situation, and above all not in my head. You know the way you can really believe you are loosing your mind when every other week you have some odd physical symptom in random parts of our body? That was me.
One week to Boston!!
So after a bit of internal debate, I decided to go back to the GP. Could I have developed some food intolerance after the rounds of antibiotics this year? I knew the ultrasound was clear but I still did not feel well at all. Before going to the GP I researched a few gastroenterologists and actually made a couple of calls to find out waiting times for the visit and possible scoping. This one stood out and thank God for health insurance I could get in pretty quickly. The GP was great, suspected maybe IBS (which I never had and of course it could start any time but every guidelines said if this is suspected after the age of 40 for the first time, other, more omnous causes, must be excluded) and had no problem writing me a referral for the top GI doc. I went to GP on a friday and I had the appointment with the specialist on Monday. That's amazing fast. She was fab, Canadian, trained between Ireland and the States, a cv you could make a blanked and have some left over. She was very reassuring but said let's have a look, just to be sure to be sure it's only stress. So I had a colonoscopy the day after. Never had one before and I was sedated for the procedure so that was a breeze. What is not so much a breeze is the clean prep you do beforehand! A must-watch hylarious gig from Billy Connolly on the matter here, and he seemed to have used pills, I had to drink 2 liters of solution in the evening and 2 more litres at 5 am on the morning of the procedure!!
Anyway, as always I'm not phased at all by medical procedures so I wasn't anxious and then afterwards slept for hours at home.. I think that was totally what I needed actually!! I went back today (after an immediate reassurance that all looked quite normal bar some small diverticula) for a chat and review of the results. She tested me for celiac disease (negative) and checked my thyroid function too (all good). She also took some random biopsies (all normal) and observed this diverticula in the upper part of the colon. Nothing to worry about, they are shallow and open, but unusual at my age, normally you find them in 55 year old males. Ah well. On top of this I have a thickening of the mussels on the left side and certainly a touch of IBS. So I'm so glad I was not imagining things, yes, keeping calm and meditating and sports will help minimising the anxiety and IBS, but the pain I feel is real, thankfully a benign situation, and above all not in my head. You know the way you can really believe you are loosing your mind when every other week you have some odd physical symptom in random parts of our body? That was me.
One week to Boston!!
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Life is good
This weekend we are de-clattering. It gives me an immense pleasure to do so. Sorting out children clothing which will go to a charity, tidying up the balcony (soon to accomodate a storage unit for the bicycles and scooters and what not), tidying up the storage space under the stairs etc. Because you know, we are about to start a new project I don't think I mentioned it yet. We are going to replace our en-suite door with a pocket one! As the bathroom walls are tiled, Mike is going to do the job by accessing (and breaking) the wall just on the bedroom side. It is possible, we watched a youtube video, but it's definitely going to be a messy job. Mike never did it before of course but I have no doubt it will be perfect (he is handy that way). So far we sourced the housing structure and the tools. The door itself it's just going to be a plain one. I suspect we'll have to relocate to the attic while Mike is doing the work so it will probably happen when I'm back from Boston in July. Very exciting.
Children are good, Martina is a climber, goes up on everything and of course is not that balanced yet so weekends are definitely more tiring that the working days looking after the two of them! She eats everything (it's a while now we cook the same things for everyone) and she still has 6 teeth but currently drooling and red bum, so who knows, maybe a couple more are on the way. She is a great sleeper, I know Oliver had a major regression at 18 months, so hopefully she will be different (given the she never slept through the night till 10 month old!). She is still in her room but sometime in the future will be moving the children in together. Oliver is very good, with the occasional melt down, but he has started waking at around 6.30 and after going to the bathroom (the en-suite, he is almost always dry at night, we keep him in a cloth nappy just to catch the occasional accident) comes into the bed and that's the end of the sleeping for me. He seems to be functioning perfectly on very little sleep these days and he has black out curtains so it's not the light that wakes him at all, he just does and he's ready to start the day and keeps going till 8.30-9 pm...
I am doing well, I can feel I made a significant change in my anxiety, I don't torment myself anymore with awful thoughts, in fact I somehow came to the conclusion that even if I die, things will be ok for the children as Mike is a great dad. So this thought gives me great comfort and less anxiety and by default I son't think so much anymore about getting sick and die. As my stomach was still bothering me, I went to the gp last week (no anxiety, just to check) and she had me do an ultrasound to make sure there was nothing strange going on as she could not feel anything abnormal. Ultrasound showed a small gallstone which is not what's bothering me at all it seems, but everything else is absolutely normal, so this leaves the pain likely to be muscular (it's not food related). Let's hope it'll pass. I have gone back swimming now so that should help. I want to record here that for the first time in 15 years I think, I got a 3 days delay on my period (which was always early, about 25-26 days). Of course I didn't even bother testing because with no tubes it would be some miracle being pregnant and even if the thought did cross my mind (you know...there is always that one case on the web etc etc) it made me realise that I am really happy with a family of four and so we are thinking what to do with the embryos we have in storage (4 blasts from the same crop as Martina). We are both very much in favour of embryo adoption, but it would have to be an open adoption which here is unheard of. I would never feel comfortable not knowing where those embryos have ended up, not that I consider them my children, I truly believe children belong to who loves them and grows them up, but Ireland is such a small place I would worry they may end up marrying my children without knowing they are related!! I know they can be shipped abroad etc, I would hate to have them wasted, they can be so precious for couples who would like a family but for whatever reason cannot have a biological child. So we'll see. I'm putting this thought out into the Universe for it to be heard and now I'll wait and see what happens.
Less than a month to Boston!! Wohooo! Any takers for a coffee?
Children are good, Martina is a climber, goes up on everything and of course is not that balanced yet so weekends are definitely more tiring that the working days looking after the two of them! She eats everything (it's a while now we cook the same things for everyone) and she still has 6 teeth but currently drooling and red bum, so who knows, maybe a couple more are on the way. She is a great sleeper, I know Oliver had a major regression at 18 months, so hopefully she will be different (given the she never slept through the night till 10 month old!). She is still in her room but sometime in the future will be moving the children in together. Oliver is very good, with the occasional melt down, but he has started waking at around 6.30 and after going to the bathroom (the en-suite, he is almost always dry at night, we keep him in a cloth nappy just to catch the occasional accident) comes into the bed and that's the end of the sleeping for me. He seems to be functioning perfectly on very little sleep these days and he has black out curtains so it's not the light that wakes him at all, he just does and he's ready to start the day and keeps going till 8.30-9 pm...
I am doing well, I can feel I made a significant change in my anxiety, I don't torment myself anymore with awful thoughts, in fact I somehow came to the conclusion that even if I die, things will be ok for the children as Mike is a great dad. So this thought gives me great comfort and less anxiety and by default I son't think so much anymore about getting sick and die. As my stomach was still bothering me, I went to the gp last week (no anxiety, just to check) and she had me do an ultrasound to make sure there was nothing strange going on as she could not feel anything abnormal. Ultrasound showed a small gallstone which is not what's bothering me at all it seems, but everything else is absolutely normal, so this leaves the pain likely to be muscular (it's not food related). Let's hope it'll pass. I have gone back swimming now so that should help. I want to record here that for the first time in 15 years I think, I got a 3 days delay on my period (which was always early, about 25-26 days). Of course I didn't even bother testing because with no tubes it would be some miracle being pregnant and even if the thought did cross my mind (you know...there is always that one case on the web etc etc) it made me realise that I am really happy with a family of four and so we are thinking what to do with the embryos we have in storage (4 blasts from the same crop as Martina). We are both very much in favour of embryo adoption, but it would have to be an open adoption which here is unheard of. I would never feel comfortable not knowing where those embryos have ended up, not that I consider them my children, I truly believe children belong to who loves them and grows them up, but Ireland is such a small place I would worry they may end up marrying my children without knowing they are related!! I know they can be shipped abroad etc, I would hate to have them wasted, they can be so precious for couples who would like a family but for whatever reason cannot have a biological child. So we'll see. I'm putting this thought out into the Universe for it to be heard and now I'll wait and see what happens.
Less than a month to Boston!! Wohooo! Any takers for a coffee?
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Meeting Maddy!
Today I met Maddy (Lateforaveryimportantpregnancy)!! I was so happy and even though it was just for a short time it was brilliant. She was in Dublin for a short visit and so happened that she was staying in a hotel on my side of town and so even if very last minute I could pop over to say hello!
Anyway, like when I met Valery, Rain and BestWhenUsedBy it felt like meeting old friends. She is lovely as I was expecting, and so beautiful too! I hope she will be back blogging as I miss her.
Anyway, like when I met Valery, Rain and BestWhenUsedBy it felt like meeting old friends. She is lovely as I was expecting, and so beautiful too! I hope she will be back blogging as I miss her.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Another trip to Italy, Martina and CBT update
We are just back from Italy, Oliver and I. Again wonderful time and two school reunions! Some of us have aged better than others but the fun and the ease of chatting with old friends was special.
We came back early this morning, and we found Martina comfortably walking! Baby girl is growing fast, no doubt. She is definitely also teething (again) and she is quite uncomfortable (and I have yet not bought the amber necklace). Mike was saying she wakes at night at least once, but we'll see how it goes now that I'm back.
You might remember a couple of posts ago, I mentioned a physical symptom which I was managing well with no panic. That lasted about 10 days. The no panic state I mean. Then, I started going emotionally downhill. Thankfully I had an appointment booked with Louise (the psychotherapist) and I was crying and making awful movies in my head. The usual ones you know, I don't even want to write them here. She was great, mostly made me talk through the movies, asked why I had not gone to the doctor instead of torturing myself (I don't know, I think I am fighting the urge of going to the doctor when I kind of know I'm blowing things out of proportion), she said that is silly, to just go. I was feeling also very defeated, I thought I was doing so well and then I wasn't at all. She told me this process is like a game of snakes and ladders, you can fall back, but never to the original place. It was a perfect comparison actually, I knew I had the tools to work with this, she said I have to learn to make good movies (if I can't help but making movies). So I went for an executive health check the following week. I was very proud of myself because I managed not to be in a panic mode at all, in fact I was quite relaxed and managed to tell myself that in fact all would have been well. It was all good, thankfully. At my last therapy session last week, I realised I was truly learning to make "good movies" like she said. She also said that her job is to make herself eventually redundant and we are getting there. I am optimistic I am learning to STOPP, to see what triggers the anxiety, and to redirect my mind, like you would do with a child. I am glad I started this process.
Term is over in college and I don't have any other trip till Boston in July (cyberfriends, I have one night in Boston before the conference begins, on the 5th of July, would love to meet anyone who is in the neighbourhood) so will work on catching my breath really and get back to things that were not so urgent but still need to be done now.
I'll leave you with a couple of pics of Bologna for you to enjoy!
We came back early this morning, and we found Martina comfortably walking! Baby girl is growing fast, no doubt. She is definitely also teething (again) and she is quite uncomfortable (and I have yet not bought the amber necklace). Mike was saying she wakes at night at least once, but we'll see how it goes now that I'm back.
You might remember a couple of posts ago, I mentioned a physical symptom which I was managing well with no panic. That lasted about 10 days. The no panic state I mean. Then, I started going emotionally downhill. Thankfully I had an appointment booked with Louise (the psychotherapist) and I was crying and making awful movies in my head. The usual ones you know, I don't even want to write them here. She was great, mostly made me talk through the movies, asked why I had not gone to the doctor instead of torturing myself (I don't know, I think I am fighting the urge of going to the doctor when I kind of know I'm blowing things out of proportion), she said that is silly, to just go. I was feeling also very defeated, I thought I was doing so well and then I wasn't at all. She told me this process is like a game of snakes and ladders, you can fall back, but never to the original place. It was a perfect comparison actually, I knew I had the tools to work with this, she said I have to learn to make good movies (if I can't help but making movies). So I went for an executive health check the following week. I was very proud of myself because I managed not to be in a panic mode at all, in fact I was quite relaxed and managed to tell myself that in fact all would have been well. It was all good, thankfully. At my last therapy session last week, I realised I was truly learning to make "good movies" like she said. She also said that her job is to make herself eventually redundant and we are getting there. I am optimistic I am learning to STOPP, to see what triggers the anxiety, and to redirect my mind, like you would do with a child. I am glad I started this process.
Term is over in college and I don't have any other trip till Boston in July (cyberfriends, I have one night in Boston before the conference begins, on the 5th of July, would love to meet anyone who is in the neighbourhood) so will work on catching my breath really and get back to things that were not so urgent but still need to be done now.
I'll leave you with a couple of pics of Bologna for you to enjoy!
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Not so good first birthday
We went away for Easter, rented a cottage in the west of Ireland, absolutely fabulous and we were blessed with sunny and balmy days! Children had a blast, we had a very friendly horse in the filed attached to our back yard, and the farmland we were on had cows and calves and not a car or another house that could be seen for miles all around.
Mike took part in an adventure race which consisted in 16km cycling, 13 km run and 16 more km cycling all up and down a hill. It was tough but he did very well (considering he barely had any training!) and we met up with friends which was lovely.
Martina took her first steps on Easter Sunday, she was so excited! Definitely knew she had done something special and really wanted to keep trying!
But then on sunday night she started feeling not so well, very clingy, felt warm (but I had not brought a thermometer, so not sure how warm she was) we gave her paracetamol and she ended up sleeping in our bed as the only way she was happy was attached to me.
We drove back on monday and she got sick in the car, we were stuck in traffic, it took ages to get home and by then we knew she caught some sort of a bug and her temperature spiked close to 40 C. Not good. Tuesday during the day she was ok, no temp but not in great form, coughing and sneezing and rapid breathing, off her food etc. As the evening came, so did the temperature and we were back up to 39.8 and sort of hovering around 39 even with ibuprofen. I took this pic a few minutes before midnight on tuesday thinking this is not going to be a very happy birthday for the little girl.
A trip to the doctor on wednesday confirmed it is a viral infection, we got the prescription for an antibiotic in case she doesn't get better within a couple of days, but chest sounded clear and nothing major was seen in her throat and ears. We attempted a mini party with a cake in the evening but it wasn't really worth it as she didn't eat at all.
By that time Oliver started complaining that his tummy wasn't feeling so good and that he was cold. So he came down too with high temp and cough etc.
Today Martina is a better, no temp all day and even now that we put her to bed she was in the normal range, but last night we had a couple more spikes near 40 C which scared me quite a bit.
So hopefully with the weekend the children will be back to good form and we are doing our best not to catch it too!
Saturday, April 12, 2014
The silence
I am still here and still reading you all. I am not sure if I have anything interesting to say any more, I think recording a new tooth, a first step or another flu may be relevant to me and perhaps the grandparents but I can see how this is of very little interest to the blogging community, so I'm not posting as much.
Anyhow, I am just back from a trip to Madrid, it was for work, but I brought Oliver with me and my parent met me there so it was lovely for all of us. I find it is really important for me to carve quality time with Oliver. he loves it of course and so do I. His vocabulary in both languages is excellent, we can have lovely conversations which can go off on a tangent at any moment. I love his curiosity and candidness.
Anyhow, I am just back from a trip to Madrid, it was for work, but I brought Oliver with me and my parent met me there so it was lovely for all of us. I find it is really important for me to carve quality time with Oliver. he loves it of course and so do I. His vocabulary in both languages is excellent, we can have lovely conversations which can go off on a tangent at any moment. I love his curiosity and candidness.
Selfie in the breakfast room of the hotel which was really
a fab gluten free bakery!
He is having a "good boy" stint, so we don't have to deal with many tantrums thankfully and travelling with him on my own is absolutely no problem. Hopefully this will last!
And as of me, I am well, therapy had helped a lot, I will go again next week, and possibly every two weeks. I have another physical symptom, not sure what it is, maybe my stomach/bowel and (most of the time) I don't panic. I will have it checked out if it continues, but I am amazingly just thinking it may be a bit of gastritis. Hopefully anyway!
Martina did very well at home with Mike but we are very happy to be all together again. Tomorrow we are going to an event organised by our fertility clinic, they are celebrating their 17th year in business and are having a get together with all the children and families who are going. As we have been so open about our journey, I'm really looking forward to it and curious to see if there's anyone else there I know!
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