Anxiety is back

Last night at 4.30am I heard the sensor monitor alarm going off (the full thing, not just the warning "bip"). I was in Oliver's bedroom within seconds. He seemed to be just fine, but sleeping at the edge of the cot, on is belly, with his knees up, so I thought the alarm went off as perhaps his breathing motion was not really happening on the mattress. Of course I moved him, he didn't even wake up, he was breathing just fine, didn't gasp for air on anything, I gave him his soother and then listen, from my bedroom to his sucking noises. I just couldn't sleep again. Heart pounding. What if he had actually stopped breathing? Maybe he had and I'm just telling myself it was the position he was sleeping in that triggered the alarm.

And so of course today I fell back into the loop of reading about SIDS stories frightening myself to tears. I was doing so well, this summer I felt comfortable enough to not have the Snoo.za monitor on him at night (it was falling off the nappy and going off consistently) and today I had to go and watch him breathe. He's going to be 8 months on Thursday, I know the major risk should be over and yet you always read about a tragedy. Today I read that SIDS seems to happen more commonly when the child is minded by someone else. For the love of God...I'm going to insist that they'll have his breathing monitor on in the crèche (yes, sorry, that's day care) when they put him down for his nap. This is bad and I know it. I know I cannot control what will happen, I can only take precautions. I'm back to being anxious and what would I do if something happens. Damn anxiety...I was ok and then the monitor had to go off just to remind me I'll never be free from worrying.

In other news tomorrow I'm going in for my baseline scan. I got the prescription and they changed a couple of meds, not sure why, I'll ask about it tomorrow and very likely will go back to what I previously used. I'll update with news then. Love to all and thanks for listening.