Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Ah! The anxiety.....

My friends, I know you know me already and even if I put all my effort in trying and enjoying the pregnancy without having bad thoughts of what may go wrong, I tend to fail miserably....

Today I called the OB to see if I could go in a week earlier...the 25th of August is just way too far away...sure it was no problem so my new appointment is for the 18th. Ahh feeling better...

Yesterday I went in for my routine blood tests (HIV again!! as well as the immunology for Rubella, Chicken pox etc., and basic blood work) and they'll send the result to the OB. The nurse got all my story, ....no, it's not my first pregnancy it's my third,....no I didn't really miscarry, the previous two were ectopics, ....yes this is an IVF pregnancy, as well as the previous two. She was very nice and I told her I felt quite anxious with having appointments so far apart, that ideally I'd want constant reassurance that everything is going well. She said I'll probably feel this way until I have the baby in my harms. So true!

So my latest paranoia is..."incompetent cervix". Having made it safely out of the first trimester I now worry that given that here they don't do internal exams (like...ever, until you are in labour!) if my cervix is shortening no one will ever know until something bad happens and it'll be too late then. I'll obviously talk to the OB about this when I see him. There is no real reason why I should think this may happen to me, only I do. And I worry. I did have a D&C after all which appears to be one of the causes. The terrifying thing about it is that there are no symptoms.

I just have to stop reading bad stories. I keep telling myself that I don't think every morning when I drive into work "I may have an accident" yet that is probably more likely.

Ahhh....I wish I could have an ultrasound machine in my house....I wish I could feel movements already (which I hope when that happens I'll feel reassured Elvis is still with us), tell me I'm not alone.

Any advice is more than welcome of course.

25 comments:

  1. I'm not as far along as you are, but given our histories, we have every right to be anxious! And it can drive us bonkers! I have been thinking crazy thoughts lately and getting myself worked up.

    I have to keep telling myself to remember that God is in charge. I have to put all my faith in Him. (Easier said than done, but I do believe).

    Praying that you will have the peace and comfort you need during this pregnancy.

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  2. So glad you got an earlier next appointment. I don't know what to say about the worry of an incompetent cervix. I know that is one of the possible complications of a D&C, but maybe if your doctor didn't indicate that there were any problems coming out of your D&C there's no reason to expect any? And, you're right: you have a better chance of getting in a car accident than losing Elvis at this point! (ok, that may not be so comforting, but we'll take comfort where we can get it, right?) Keeping all my fingers and toes crossed for you!

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  3. Anxiety goes with the territory. And they can tell if your cervix is shortening on ultrasound without doing an internal exam!

    Elvis is doing great! Do something fun to keep from the anxiety...get a notebook and write Elvis letters, tell him stories of your youth, tell him about his family, etc. That's how I made it...with lots of diversion!

    Big hugs!

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  4. Aah the anxiety! I have slept sleepless nights w/ anxiety.

    About worrying something bad will happen - I was fine reading events of ppl I was already following (kinda). But, any new person or story I read out of the blue senmt me over the edge. As much as I loved - loved - lloved ICLW, I could not stand reading the not so positive stories of all the sistas. I tried participating couple of times during the PH, but just cldnt do it. My anxiety levels used to peak - so I stopped participating unfortunately!! :(

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  5. ((Hugs)) It is normal for your anxiety. The nurse is right it won't stop until the baby is in your arms but I'm not sure if it will stop even then.

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  6. The anxiety really does suck, doesn't it?!?! I am now 35 weeks with mild pre-e and I can't help but freak out over every little possible symptom. Hopefully you will be able to relax soon and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy!

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  7. Fran, sending you big hugs! About the cervix, they can check that by ultrasound - you should definitely talk to your OB about that.

    I'm sorry that you're anxious and I complete understand why you would feel this way. It's tough to just have faith and know that everything will be ok. Every day I have to remind myself that I'm just going to take things a day at a time and try to enjoy this pregnancy.

    I shouldn't be indulging you in this but have you thought about looking in to renting a doppler machine? A few of the girls on my infertility message board have rented them and gain a lot of peace of mind at hearing the heartbeat. One girl even went on eBay and bought one from China for $25.

    Keeping you in my thoughts!

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  8. I totally feel what you are saying. I have been going back and forth between being excited and sheer terror. I've found that I've even stopped writing about the paranoia side of things because I end up freaked out even more. All I seem to be able to do is pray and celebrate every milestone as it comes.

    The doppler idea is a great one. When I get nervous about how the little one is doing, I use the doppler and am amazed how much I calm down when I hear that heartbeat.

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  9. All infertiles feel that way. It is the right we earn as soon as we dawn the IF Badge.

    I knew I couldn't handle going so long between appointments, and especially when I couldn't feel movement yet, so I bought my own fetal doppler and checked in with my baby girl every single night before bed from the time I was 10 weeks pregnant.

    The dopplers aren't horribly expensive, and if you factor in the peace of mind it will give you, its worth every cent. I bought mine on Am.azon. My sister has my doppler right now, as she is pregnant with a high risk pregnancy.

    Its not as good as a sono, but it is peace of mind none the less.

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  10. I haven't made it as far as a BFP yet but I would imagine when I finally do, that the anxiety would absolutely be there for me. I don't know there's any easy way out of it. I am glad you are asking about the incompenet cervix, perhaps they would do an internal exam just to ease your worries and pacify you. I would be direct and ask for what you need.

    Glad you made it out fo the Tri and I am sure little Elvis is doing just wonderfully, getting ready for his big arrival.

    xoxoxoxoxoxo

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  11. Biggest advice: watch what you search for on the Internet. I ran into the incompetent cervix worries, too. Reading up on it doesn't help: it makes things work. In fact, reading up on just about anything, you're bound to find something you weren't looking for to worry you.The constant worry gets easier as you move further into your pregnancy, but it doesn't disappear.

    Actually, now that I think about it, they should check cervical length during your Level II scan around 20 weeks.

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  12. Typo in the previous comment. "Work" should be "worse".

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  13. I don't really have any advice. Given what you've gone through in the past, I can only imagine the anxiety that you're feeling.

    Is there a PAL support group in your area that could help? Or perhaps a therapist?

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  14. I really can't offer any advice either--just a hug! You've come so far and I hope you can find the comfort you need to enjoy your pregnancy (an earlier appointment helps).

    ICLW

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  15. I con't offer advice either - just offer a hug, and say hang in there. Hopefully sometime soon the anxiety will ease, and you will feel more comfortable.

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  16. I so feel your pain...

    Just so you know they can measure cervix length on the scans.
    xxx

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  17. I have never been pregnant but I can only imagine the anxiety. After my IVF it seemed like it tooks forever for my pregnancy test. Obviously it was a BFN but I remember it taking forever for the day to get there.

    Keeping the hope for you during thie pregnancy. thank you so much for stopping by my blog. I love the input. I hope you keep stopping by and would love to have you as a guest blogger

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  18. Ok, I was not going to respond as I don't know if I really have anything to say, but I have been where you are. Two mc's (not ectopic, just two mc's) and then a pre-term delivery (29 weeks.) I did not have a D&C with either but neither did I have an incompetent cervix. Because of the mc's I was unable to enjoy the entire 29 weeks my pregnancy did last. To this day, I regret that. They say things tend to turn out how you expect them, and if you expect a bad ending, you typically get it. I kept waiting for the other shoe to fall. All I can say is LISTEN TO YOUR BODY. You will KNOW when something isn't right. Even if they don't check (I was not checked until I was in active labor at 26 weeks.) listen to your instincts. Also, I do believe they check for a short/shortening cervix during your ultrasounds. At least they did on the two I had prior to going into labor.

    Now I do have a beautiful baby girl with no problems from her early delivery.

    As Life Happens said....God is in charge. I've been rooting and praying for you and am so glad to see you entering this second trimester and all is going so beautifully. Easier said than done...but enjoy this. It is a beautiful time even with all it's discomforts.

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  19. You're not crazy. I scanned and dopplered myself a few times at work, just to reassure myself things were ok between appointments. And had more cervical length ultrasounds than I can count because of preterm contractions. Then went overdue. It was stressful. And vag exams for the cervical length don't seem to mean all that much - my cervix could feel short one day, longer the next (I was putting in progesterone 2x/day), and still be long and closed on ultrasound.

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  20. Oh Franny Fran, no one can blame you for being anxious. Are you still keeping up with your meditation? That could help,and I vote for a doppler, too! Thinking of you!
    Love,
    Maddy

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  21. Oh Fran... I wish I had some good advice. I have IC, and it is terrifying. I pray that you have a long, healthy pregnancy!!!

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  22. I love that your doc gave you an earlier appointment. If they ever hesitate when you ask, resort to tears. That's what I did and I always ended up getting that extra ultrasound! :)

    Sweetie, the anxiety is the infertile's "normal." It's where we live. I too used to worry all the time that I'd get into a car accident and lose the baby. We can't help but have those thoughts. But it's just not going to happen - you and Elvis and Mike and the kitties are all going to be just fine!

    And when Elvis is here, safe and sound in your arms, the worries will be different, but they'll still be there! Welcome to mommyhood!

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  23. I know, I'm already worrying about incompetent cervix and I still have to worry about getting through the first trimester!!

    Being pregnant after fertility treatment should automatically grant you all the tests, ultrasounds and reassuring 24/7-calls to midwife you desire!

    Lots of hugs and kisses!

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  24. Google can be your best and worst friend too..it' so easy to research something and be bombared by negative information. Given your doctors are so on top of things, talk to them and explain your worries you might have. I go to my doctor's appointments with notes and it's their job to reassure you and run tests should they feel they are needed. Thinking of you sweetie!

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  25. I can understand what you're saying about wishing you could have an u/s at home (do they rent fetal heart monitors/Dopplers in Ireland?). I don't know much about IC but am hoping that your doctor can really work with you in addressing all of your concerns. I don't think they're at all strange, especially considering what you've gone through to get to this point. I'm glad you got that earlier appointment. SOOOOOOO much better than waiting, worried and stressed.

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