Tuesday, September 11, 2012

And we hit limboland

Did I say already I feel a bit disconnected from this pregnancy? Maybe is the fact that we have Oliver with us already, the fact that I feel guilty I cannot care for him as much as I like (lifting ban, getting up early to go to work, tired in the evening etc) and I think he's definitely noticed. In any case, at my 6w3d ultrasound, I did say we saw the heartbeat but that also we didn't measure it. To me it looked a bit slow just by looking at the monitor, but who am I?
Today I felt again quite nervous, but I always do. I didn't have a good feeling, but again that's nothing new with me. I tried repeating myself the mantra "there will be a strong heartbeat of 144". I remember I did the same with Oliver at the same scan.

Fav Doc wasn't available for the scan and a different doc did it. We have met him before, but the change of plan gave me a bad vibe. In any case this Doc could't get the tv screen to work, so I practically saw nothing at all. As the wand went in, we could see things were bigger, I could see the flicker on the monitor. But when we heard it I had no doubt it was slow. I guessed that if it was 120bpm it would have been doing well. It was 115. The Doc didn't seem to concerned. Started taking measurements and pics which I didn't see if not for a fraction of a second on the screen when he was saving them on my folder. I mentioned the spotting and he checked around the gestational sac, where there may be a very small SCH, nothing to be worried about. Doc said to get dressed and we go over the pics and stats. As I got dressed I said to Mike, this doesn't look good. Basically the baby measured 6w5d (so 5 days behind) and of course I know it was a different person taking the measurement, also the yolk sac was very near the baby so maybe it made it more difficult, but still it would have grown 4 days in a week (last scan measured 6w1d). He said it's the low end of normal but that this means it's still normal. Same for the heartbeat. Now, I have read plenty on the matter, and the low end of normal starts at 120bpm when you are well into the 7th week. Associate this to a slow growth and I am not sure how optimistic we can be. In fact they want me back in for another scan next week. Things can pick up of course or demise. Welcome to limboland. This Doc didn't even give us a pic. So we may not have any other picture of Deng (never liked the name either!).

Being a scientist in this situation is a pure blessing. I do strongly believe that should the pregnancy stop it is due to bad genetic make up of the embryo and it would be the right natural path to avoid worse heartache later on. Add that I am not yet feeling particularly attached, and I'm living this situation as if it was happening to someone else. Very strange, right? What can I tell you. I am ready if things turn out for the worse. I even asked the Doc very matter of fact "the worst thing that can happen is that I miscarry, right?" and he immediately said "but hopefully that won't happen!!" But let's be honest, I'm no spring chicken, I was almost 37 when we produced these set of embryos, just assuming that they are all genetically sound is foolish.

But, as they say, the fat lady has not sung yet. We just have to wait and see. And I'm relaxed, at peace actually. Feeling almost the same as when the ectopics were diagnosed. But not giving up hope either. I don't know, I know I sound confused, but I said it so many times, we are so so blessed already, another baby would be an amazing thing, but I don't want to be greedy either.

10 comments:

  1. o dear Fran,
    this Penguin is choosing his own way...
    waiting for reassurance and not getting it is hard. So sorry this scan wasn't the same pure gold as I was hoping it'd be for you as it was for me. The knowing it could stop any day doesn't help (but I managed to get used to that, at least that is what I tell myself)
    you can make up new names every day (my vote is on Tom for today:)

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  2. I hate limbo! And I hate it even more for you! The Tibetans call it "bardo", meaning an "in between place".

    I hope that this pregnancy gives you some concrete answers soon. Many hugs!!! And please say hello to Mike and Oliver from us!!

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  3. Oh man, I hate limbo land. I was hoping for clear positive things throughout this pregnancy for you! Hope time flies and you get out of limbo land soon...

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  4. Ugh.... Hate hate hate limbo! So sorry you are there but from what the doc said (and it sounds right) it could go either way. I hope it goes the RIGHT way!

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  5. Oh Fran... I've been reading your posts on my phone for the past weeks and I just realized I never commented since your FET! Shame on me. I'm sorry that you are in limbo-land, I hope the little one will stay and grow stronger though. Thinking of you!

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  6. You know that every pregnancy is different. Feeling disconected when you already have a toddler is what most mums complain about. You cannot more than you already are, so let's hope for the best. Thinking of you and sending you the best,
    Mina

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  7. Fran, like others have said each pregnancy is different. I hate that you are in limboland; hopefully at you next ultrasound, Deng will have righted things and you will get a clean bill of health.

    As always, I'm sending love from across the pond. xo

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  8. I'm so sorry you're caught on the edge like this, having to wait another week to find out how your baby is doing. I am amazed at your strength and acceptance of the possibilities, and I will keep you and your little one in my thoughts, hoping and praying for the best. I too felt very disconnected during my second pregnancy. In fact, throughout most of the whole pregnancy I felt that way, and felt guilty for it. Maybe it's natural, after the high degree of anticipation and joy with our first.

    I hope next week brings you good news. Sending you hugs and much love.

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  9. The fat lady has NOT sung yet. You are exactly right, Fran. Just so sorry for any entry into limboland whatsoever (it's a terrible, terrible place). Glad you are calm. But so very much hoping that the doctor is right and that - low side of normal or not - it IS normal. Sending hugs your way.

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Thank you so much for stopping by, your comments warm my heart!