8 weeks and anxiety creeping in...

...well...creeping in is an understatement actually. I'm exactly where I was during the pregnancy, worried sick something may go wrong. Of course I read very sad stories which I just have to stop doing because obviously I can't help but putting myself in the same place and having nightmares for days. This is not healthy at all. I cannot stop tragedies from happening, I can do all I can to limit the risks but no more. I know this rationally, so why I cannot just relax and enjoy this precious miracle instead than fearing he may die any minute?

I need help I know. Cyber-friends I shared my feelings with said they were not surprised at all I had anxieties of this kind. They all went through various level of irrational thoughts, which apparently comes with motherhood, and in most cases had a "natural" pregnancy with no infertility attached, let alone ectopic pregnancies or traumatic birth. So I should have known, in fact I should have been prepared. I wasn't. I don't want to be one of those mothers that never let the son go out in case he has an accident. I would hate myself and certainly I was always allowed a significant level of freedom (I went on several holidays on a superfast motorbike for God's sake...). So as I will bring Oliver to the doctor next week for his 2 months vaccination (two months!!) I'll talk to her and see if she can refer me to a therapist.

Meanwhile I bought another monitor...for travelling to Italy in March...as I can't bring my Angelcare sensor system...so I got myself a Snuza (thanks Tireegal!) and I hope it'll help.

Oliver is doing great, putting on weight, sleeping through the night (though grunting from 5am till 8!) loving his bath and smiling more regularly! He hates being on his tummy so we don't do it much at all. He's now very happy to be without a nappy (he used to cry a lot when changed, I thought he didn't like to be naked!). The dirty nappies have totally ended, in fact we went to the other side of the scale with a day with no poo at all!! ...which of course had me worrying the other way as he seemed unsettled! Till he pooed for Ireland...

Here's my little man growing

Bath time!

Oh no! Is it over already?

I'll just dream of the next one then!

Weekly check

Oliver's weight is now 4.28 kg! So he's doing really well. I still have not weighed myself as I'm sure I have not lost a gram...

In other news, I brought my left over meds to the clinic this afternoon, no point in letting them elapse in my fridge, I'll get them fresh when it'll be time again. I saw my Fav Doctor and told her about the histology results on the placenta, she also didn't think much at all about it, probably the diminished fluids were to be blamed, she said that if there was an infection they would have investigated what bacterium caused it and above all I'd have had sings. That's it then, no more worrying! I asked also about maybe doing a hysteroscopy before going again and she doesn't think there is the need as the procedure is "clean" meaning it doesn't leave tissues back and she added "you had so many surgeries already we'll definitely try to spare you another one!"

She also agrees with Dr. L on the time really needed between pregnancies after a c-section, but she feels that as soon as Oliver will be more interactive I'll be much more absorbed by him so we may push our next attempt a bit further down the line.

I still think I'd like to go again by the end of the year though...

Remember the spotting?

....well...it turned into a full on bleed!! So I think I got my period back!It's heavy and I have cramps like the old days...I obviously didn't recognise the familiar headache I had a couple of days ago either. If I had even a faint chance of conceiving naturally, this would mean we should be careful....ahahahhah ...let me say it again...ahahahahah! Yes out of my system now.

Oliver was 7 weeks yesterday and I count that at CD1, just for the calendar of course so that I can guess when I'll need to be ready the next time.

Body. Reset.

An answer of some kind

Yesterday I called my OB's office to see if he received the histology report on my placenta as I hand't heard back from him. The secretary said not all results were in but that Dr. L would check with the lab and let me know. By dinner time he hadn't called and I figured he would call today instead. But he did call! Around 9.30pm! Isn't he a great doctor? Anyway, he said that there was nothing particularly outstanding in the report, no blood clots and no calcifications. Mmhh. That kind of ruled out our/mine main causes for IUGR and diminished fluids...but he did say that there were signs of inflammation which would be explainable if the waters had in fact started leaking a few days earlier (inflammation is the first response to infection or irritation, I had no fever, waters were clear so I don't think I had an infection). If anyone knows more on this please let me know, there's only so much you can find on Google and being at home I have no access to medical literature!

He said that in my next pregnancy they will monitor more closely the blood flow to the placenta throughout the third trimester so that if there's a sign of deterioration it'll be picked up quickly. I have to say though that it's not like my placenta wasn't checked, I had a scan less than 3 weeks before things looked suddenly serious, and at that time everything was as good as it could be, including fluid levels so I guess it was just one of those (scary) things.

Oh, and I may have said to soon I was done with the bleeding....grrr had some more spotting!!

Next week I'll pop into my clinic and see if I could talk to my Fav Doctor, I wonder if I had inflammation of the membranes if it's better to have a hysteroscopy before going again, just to make sure all is good to go...you know, I'm prone to things going awfully wrong if my uterus isn't in perfect conditions!

The end of the bleed!

I just wanted to mark this day on my blog for the records as I'm no longer bleeding as of this morning!! woohooo! So it lasted 6 weeks and a half. Next step will be getting my period back, we'll see how long that will take.

Also, yesterday I started a baby massage course which I absolutely love! My friend who had a baby with IVF in November (remember she was 45 at the time and managed to use her own eggs!) recommended it to me as she started the previous week. I love the teacher and we'll be doing baby yoga also in a few weeks. Incidentally, I also met there one of the girls who was doing the pre-natal yoga with me, she had her baby one day before me and she didn't like that yoga teacher either!!

Oliver didn't particularly enjoyed being undressed ehm ehem and being massaged, but I think it may have been also because he was hungry! And actually, since we switched to a lower-lactose formula he's much much better so I'm happy that was the problem.

He seems to have found his hands also! Isn't he cute?

Yummy!

6 weeks check ups!

Little Oliver is 6 weeks today and doing great!

We both went for our check up on thursday. Dr. L was very happy to see me and said my scar has healed perfectly. He didn't have the histology report on my placenta which may have been sent to Dr. Wonderful so he'll trace it back and call me next week. We chatted a bit about why the placenta may have stopped working, but till we can see the lab results it's just a guessing work. So we'll wait. He said that if there were some clots formed we may considerer taking aspirin all the way through the next pregnancy and have closer monitoring (which is just music to my ears...I'm addicted to hospitals and doctors I discovered!) with doppler scan done routinely (although I am quite sure the blood flow in the umbilical artery was ok till the very end...but maybe not the flow from me to the placenta, I don't know). Anyway....did you see me talking already bout the next pregnancy??

Sooooo it was in fact Dr. L who brought this up asking if we were thinking of doing IVF again to give Oliver a little sibling. I said we were but we didn't know time-wise if there were restrictions due to the c-section. You read loads of different opinions, some say you have to wait a year before conceiving again, other 18 months...so as I'm not getting any younger and we don't have any frozen embryos left I was a bit concerned I'd simply sun out of time.

Amazingly he said that in fact you read all of the above, but that the scar in the uterus doesn't change any more after 3 months from the surgery and that at that point it is as good as it's ever going to be. So the recommended amount of time between two pregnancies is not related at all to the type of delivery, just mostly to when someone is ready to go again. This was absolutely fantastic to hear. I think I realised that I would like to have another baby, to enjoy the pregnancy this time but I also want to give Oliver all the attention he deserves. As we will never have an accidental pregnancy I wonder if we could go for a cycle this summer and just freeze the embryos for the future. I know it's a gamble and I'll probably be worried about the fact that when we do the transfer, say in a year to 18 months from now they either don't survive or it's a BFN I'll be even older for more treatments then...Anyway, we'll think about it and it's nice to know that the guidelines here are suiting me just better!

Next Oliver went for his check up and passed with flying colours. His muscular tone is right on track and so is his weight and head control. I asked about the dirty nappies (I thought they were improving but not really) and the doctor thinks that as he never had any temperature or any other kind of discomfort it's probably not a virus at all at this point but just his body struggling a bit to process all the lactose he's taking in. He had a point when he said we'd be having diarrhoea too if we were drinking 9-10 litres of milk a day in proportion to our body weight! So we'll try a different formula with lower lactose content and see how it goes.

I had forgot to mention in my last post that I went to the clinic with Oliver last tuesday! Of course I called ahead to see when was the best time to drop by when no patients would have been around. I'd been there to long not to know how painful it is to see other people's babies even if they have gone through IF. You can hear the evil voice in your head saying you may just fall at the other side of the statistics...

It was so emotional being there again, but in a good way. Everyone wanted to hold Oliver and I took a pic of the Favourite Doctor with him!

Again, I felt the comfort of being there, the familiarity of the place and the people that made our miracle a reality for us and never gave up on hope. It's as if I miss it all. Of course they all look forward to seeing me soon again! They also told me that they are moving location in the next two months as they have outgrown the facilities there. Shock! I won't be going back to the same place which was so so convenient as it was just on the way to work...so it was great to hear the new building is even more conveniently located for us, maybe it's a sign we won't have so much heartbreak the next time!

Finally yesterday I brought Oliver into work and had great (social) time with colleagues at lunch and coffee (ah!! the coffee!! It was ages I din't have a *bucks Caramel Macchiato!). I really do miss adult interaction...

Quick update!

Just a quick note for the record, today Oliver weighed 3.76 kg! Perfectly on track gaining just over 200g a week! And last night slept through the night! We are definitely making progress here! But no progress on the smile front boohooo....

Anyway, today was my second day out on the road with the little man and it went great. Like most children he loves been in a car and sleeps most of the time. And where did we go? But to return the breast pump naturalment! But it so happens that the place also sells the cutest funkiest things for babies and mommies alike...and I couldn't resist. I bought BIB CLIPS to give to my friends who had babies or about to have babies, for all of them is their second child so I wasn't sure about getting more baby clothes. This is something they definitely don't have and I think it's really cute! Of course I got one for Oliver too!

Then they were also selling this bean bag for children suitable from new born....I had to get one...and it was expensive but I haven't really bought anything for Oliver other than bottles, soothers and other consumables....so I felt it was ok to go a bit mad on this one!

It goes really well with our lime armchairs LOL!

And finally, as the nursery is still completely bare a part from the changing table, a chair and my bedside locker (on one side we didn't have the time to have it embellished with child things with the renovation and all, on the other I wasn't sure what to get!) I got a wall-paper border to put on the walls! It's something!

This also reminds me that I never posted pics of the Attic project...but stay with me, Mike just finished the grouting in the bathroom at the weekend! And we still have a good bit to go...as Mike said, the other little project came a bit early...so this one has taken the back seat!

Almost a smile! 5 week old

I really think this morning Oliver smiled at me! I gave him the night feed and then Mike this morning got up and fed him so that I could sleep in, and then when I got up and saw Oliver he almost smiled seeing me!! So so cute!

Anyhow, all is good here, Oliver still has a good few dirty nappies during the day but doesn't seem to be too bothered. He's awake for much longer periods (which freaks Mike out as he doesn't know what to do with him yet!) and still very happy and sweet. Now that I'm home alone all day I do feel quite tired by the time is evening and Mike is still learning how to put on the reusable nappies...so not really able to be on his own with Oliver for a few hours yet. Sure if he was spending more time maybe his confidence would also improve...we re working on it.

My mom as already booked a new flight to come and stay with us for another couple of weeks, I never thought I'd be feeling this way but I can't wait to have some company and help. I have come to totally admire those mothers who have twins and are on their own. Hats off to you all girls, I have no idea how you managed!

A bit happening next week. I have my 6 weeks check up on thursday and I'll try to book Oliver's check up on the same day. Mike on the other hand is playing football...ah well. I'll also go to the clinic probably monday or tuesday so that the Favourite Doctor can meet the little man and I may ask incidentally when can we talk again about things and future moves...

Breast feeding or expressing has officially stopped. So another thing I'll do next week is to return the pump. I'm glad I tried. I am even gladder I stopped when I realised it was ruining my time with Oliver. So on with the bottles! And here's a pic of my little boy for you all.

The little aviator sleeping

An Irish Funeral and other news

I don't think I have ever posted about Irish funerals. They are something else.

Unfortunately we had to attend one on Tuesday. I had mentioned here that there was bad news in Mike's family about two relatives. One was fine but we knew the other one would not have gotten any better. He had battled cancer for 8 years and eventually lost the fight. As Mike's family is from a small town in Ireland, relations are very close. In this case, I also had met the whole family (Mike's cousin) and got very attached to the children. The eldest daughter even stayed with us a couple of years ago during her transition year and has just started college in Dublin.

So when we got the news that the father had passed away I wanted to be there for them.

As always it was heartbreaking. This one of course was a closer relationship but I don't know how his teenager son managed to give a speech at the end of the ceremony which had everyone there in tears. Oliver slept most of the time and when he woke up for a feed it was a great distraction for the family and soothed the pain a little.

And somehow Oliver picked up a tummy bug the poor chicken so he's having loads of dirty nappies and is a bit unsettled. He's feeding well though so no concern about dehydration and no temperature which is good but the paediatrician (which I called to be on the safe side) gave me indication on how much paracetamol I should give him if the temperature rises a bit. Hopefully not. Apparently it can last a week or even longer, but I'm hoping he'll fight it off sooner!

I also bought myself a sling!! I got the Hoppendiz second hand one and already wearing it loads!! It's fantastic!! So next week I'm definitely getting the Calin Bleu one and I'll post pics soon!