Saturday, February 26, 2011

8 weeks and anxiety creeping in...

...well...creeping in is an understatement actually. I'm exactly where I was during the pregnancy, worried sick something may go wrong. Of course I read very sad stories which I just have to stop doing because obviously I can't help but putting myself in the same place and having nightmares for days. This is not healthy at all. I cannot stop tragedies from happening, I can do all I can to limit the risks but no more. I know this rationally, so why I cannot just relax and enjoy this precious miracle instead than fearing he may die any minute?
I need help I know. Cyber-friends I shared my feelings with said they were not surprised at all I had anxieties of this kind. They all went through various level of irrational thoughts, which apparently comes with motherhood, and in most cases had a "natural" pregnancy with no infertility attached, let alone ectopic pregnancies or traumatic birth. So I should have known, in fact I should have been prepared. I wasn't. I don't want to be one of those mothers that never let the son go out in case he has an accident. I would hate myself and certainly I was always allowed a significant level of freedom (I went on several holidays on a superfast motorbike for God's sake...). So as I will bring Oliver to the doctor next week for his 2 months vaccination (two months!!) I'll talk to her and see if she can refer me to a therapist.
Meanwhile I bought another monitor...for travelling to Italy in I can't bring my Angelcare sensor I got myself a Snuza (thanks Tireegal!) and I hope it'll help.

Oliver is doing great, putting on weight, sleeping through the night (though grunting from 5am till 8!) loving his bath and smiling more regularly! He hates being on his tummy so we don't do it much at all. He's now very happy to be without a nappy (he used to cry a lot when changed, I thought he didn't like to be naked!). The dirty nappies have totally ended, in fact we went to the other side of the scale with a day with no poo at all!! ...which of course had me worrying the other way as he seemed unsettled! Till he pooed for Ireland...

Here's my little man growing

Bath time!

Oh no! Is it over already?

I'll just dream of the next one then!


  1. Dearest Fran,
    You all look adorable! I'm so sorry for this horrible worry that you are dealing with. I think you're right about the birth and pregnancy and TTC trauma really taking it's toll. That was so true for me too! I really wish I could come over there and give you a great big hug! Hope you don't have to wait too long before you get some relief. Sending big love to you. ((( hugs )))

  2. Oh my goodness, he is SO precious!!! I just want to cuddle him!

    I'm sorry about your anxiety. Do us infertiles ever get a break from worrying and being anxious? I hope your able to get some relief. He's growing well and seems so happy. You're doing a great job!

  3. He is so lovely, Fran. I'm sorry to hear about the anxiety...and yes, I'm sure a certain amount is normal, but if you feel it's going beyond that, it's so wise of you to ask for help. Sending love from Canada.

  4. I'm so proud of you for asking for help. Anxiety in new mothers is very normal, for new mothers after infertility, I'm sure it's even more common. Don't feel bad for getting help - you're doing your baby boy a huge service by getting yourself better, my dear!

    And he's just adorable - I love the picture of both of you - you're both so cute!

  5. I can't believe how much he has changed. Isn't it incredible how quickly they grow, fill out, and change? If only they could slow down a bit.

    I love the picture of the two of you. It makes me smile.

    And yes, your fears are perfectly normal. Parent Worry goes hand-in-hand with Parent Guilt. As parents, it is our prerogative to worry about silly things for no good reason at all. Just don't let the thoughts linger or obsess about them, and everything is normal.

    I cannot tell you how awesome therapy can be. It definitely helps. Just know that there will be sessions where you leave feeling incredible, and then there will be sessions where you leave feeling worse than when you went in. It is all a process, and just like trying for a baby, it requires a certain level of patience and the ability to give yourself grace.

  6. what a cutie pie!! He is just so adorable and you look so HAPPY!!!
    I feel your anxiety... I have my moments where I race up the stairs thinking something could be wrong with Isabella only to find her peacefully asleep. D looks on as I do a lot during the evenings...and sometimes I even wake her up! I am that mental... you are not alone my friend!
    big hugs!
    haven't been back home with Isabella and don't have any plans yet but my parents and brother have met her so that's what counts. She has her own little Italian passport.. with her belgian surname! It's so cute! :)

  7. He's gorgeous! And anxiety is normal I think. I'm a preemie mommy (29 weeker) and I hear you on the anxiety. Sometimes, 16 months later, I still get up every night and check on her several times. Before I fall asleep at night I have to go in and just make sure she's still breathing. It's entirely unfair that we are so aware that every day of their life is a miracle. I don't know that I'll ever accept that today she will keep breathing. I fear it every minute of every day. But you just keep going forward, and reaching out for a therapist should help. I've really had to bite down on my fears and just let her be, I can't keep her from everything. I just talk with a lot of my preemie momma friends and that helps also. Keep up the good work!!!

  8. OMG, he looks like he is just loving his bath!!! How adorable! :)

    It's hard to believe 2 months has come and go so fast Fran. I would think that anxiety is normal but talking to someone about it all is always a great idea! I hope you find a therapist this is a good sounding board for you. :)

  9. I really do believe that after all you've been through, it's completely understandable that you have these fears. I also think that talking to someone (I started doing this myself last year) can be incredibly helpful. It just allows you to back up slightly, and look at things with a little perspective. Something that is hard to come by when you have spent years battling one tragedy after another.

    I am so glad that Oliver is doing well. He's adorable and so are you.

  10. I LOVE seeing the photos of the baby and you! They really made me smile.

    Sweetie, the worrying really is normal. When my baby was about the same age as Oliver, I worried that I would trip and drop him on the floor. I worried that I would crash into the river while driving with him in the car. I worried about SIDS, of course. I worried that someone would try to steal him from me. I don't say these things to frighten you. I say them because it seems to get better with time. I think that as Oliver gets older, you will feel less anxious about all these possibilities of danger. Of course find and speak with a therapist to help you through this time. But as he gets older and stronger, I think HE will help convince you to be less worried! Sending you hugs and happy thoughts.

  11. Fran...Sweetie I hope you get some relief from the worry and stress:( You def should not be having to deal with these things now that you have your new bundle of joy..I will say some extra prayers for you:)

    And your little man is a doll so cute..Looks like he loves his bath...Brycens unmbilical cord and plasty bell ring fell off a couple of days ago so we are going to give him a real bath tonight...we have washed his hair under the sink a couple of times and he loved it so I hope he likes his bath as well

    Sorry I have been MIA but just trying to adjust to mommyhood and breastfeeding which is so time consuming:) Take care and hugs to you!

  12. I had all the odds in my favour- Fertile Myrtle, easy pregnancy and a non-complicated full term birth. But by 3 months, I needed some help to deal with my anxiety I was having with some life issues.
    I spoke to a worker at the baby health clinic, who was able to refer me to someone who could help for free. A couple of months later, I have just finished seeing them. It really helps to have someone to talk through it. Definately think about it

  13. I have a post simmering about this.
    I'm still rather anxious, which I blame part on my personality and partly on IF.


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