Thursday, August 20, 2009

6 weeks

I think it's like a jinx. As soon as I say the spotting is over, there it comes again. Last night I had an "episode". In fairness it was only one spot on the knickers and it looked old and not threatening. Nothing since. But I was so so down. I started telling Mike and my mam that this looks exactly like the last time, spotting on and off, and then the pain will come in a few days and it'll be another ectopic. Mam kept saying not to be silly, that the HCG are so much higher, that they did see a gestational sac and that all these may be completely normal. Mike shows the same confidence.

Don't get me wrong, I would go to the Moon and back as a punishment for being so negative should I be wrong. I so hope I'm wrong and tell everyone around me two million times "you told me so".

My dreams that usually somewhat meaningful are peaceful these days, even last night. So maybe there is a part of me who is a little more optimistic. Waiting is strange. I don't want to do more HCG tests, I don't want to go in for an early scan, I don't want to not be pregnant anymore and so I wait.

Mam went back today but she would have stayed longer. I have to text her mornings and evenings with an update. Meanwhile I rest as much as possible. Yesterday we went for a long walk and mam felt so guilty thinking that maybe that brought the spotting along. But we went in the morning and I had nothing at all until 9 in the evening, this is why I think it had nothing to do with it.

Anyway, it's only a matter of days and we'll get through this, I know.

5 comments:

  1. Oh Frannie Fran! How I wish I could stop your body from spotting to save you all this grief! Even if you know it's perfectly normal, I can understand how it's scaring the living daylights out of you because it can also be (and has been) not normal. You do sound peaceful and I'm glad your dreams are reflecting that. When you sit with yourself and close your eyes, what does your body say to you about the health of your baby? I suspect that in your gut, you know your baby is okay. That's why you didn't go back to the hospital and that's why you are going for walks and that's why you are patiently waiting for your scan. Your mental brain may be fretting, but I think your "gut brain" knows the truth. Big hug and lots of love - you will get through this!!!

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  2. MH as said it all. I agree with her whole heartedly. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself until you are scheduled for your next scan. Big Hugs!

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  3. Hey sweetie....you are doing so well and so is that little miracle in your uterus. Your u/s is coming up and it will ease your mind cuz u will see that miracle in the right place with a nice strong heart beat.

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  4. If it was old blood, then I am sure everything is fine. It was probably from the earlier spotting and is just now making its way out. Hang in there sweetie.

    BIG hugs!

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  5. Fran, I believe that dreams are great for alerts as well. So I'd trust my peaceful dreams. Trust anything that can help you keep calm right now. Hopefully it's just like you said, you may have miscarried one of the embryos, and that's it.
    I'm holding you in my thoughts.
    hugs

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