Thursday, February 4, 2010

Five little heroes

First of all I want to thank you all for your support. Please believe me, it was a horrible day yesterday, emotionally mostly and your words of encouragement were a bliss.

Physically I'm feeling well, just to tell you, I'm back in work, not a single painkiller taken. I agree with you that it was certainly the best and more sensible choice to trigger me with a low dose of HCG to avoid hyperstimulation, I only wish they had told me about the possible poor outcome at ER. That's all. I would have been prepared, I wouldn't have had unreal expectations and I would have felt part of the process rather than a powerless spectator. On my first cycle, I had 24 follicles. I had the full dose trigger, they got 16 eggs and I had a bare touch of discomfort for a couple of days after ER. they had told me that if they got more than 20 eggs I would have gone for elective freeze. It didn't happen. I am normally reasonable and I work with the clinic, I have always felt they worked with me too. I think they didn't expect this result either. But an informed decision and a calculated risk is acceptable to me, much more than a "don't worry, you'll be fine". That's me.

Needless to say I had very little hope for the 6 eggs retrieved. Yes, they were all mature. Yes they were all injected. Still I had to be prepared for bad news on the fertilization report. I had to. Every single time I have been optimistic in this process for the past 2 years of ART I got a massive kick in the ass. Every single time. You know I'm not being dramatic here. Everyone needs a safety net at some point to remain sane, mine this time was to give up hope.

So when the embryologist called I was ready to take any news that would have come. I wasn't nervous. I wasn't anxious. I wasn't worried. I didn't jump at the phone ringing (I have a specific ringtone for the clinic). The fact that a doctor didn't call already meant that it wasn't a tragedy (it wouldn't have been anymore for me). When she said 5 fertilized and looked good it was as if she was saying "I had coffee this morning". Nothing. I felt nothing. No relief, no big joy in my heart. I went through the motions of when will the next update be (Sunday) and would they call me earlier if things do not go well (only if they all die before Sunday, if there is even one left they won't call). I am tired. Is it normal? Is it ok to put my energy somewhere else rather than thinking of the growing embryos and the various scenarios that go with it? Did we do this too soon and I wasn't really ready? Perhaps I just need a bit of time to recover from yesterday. I will focus in getting ready to welcome back the embryos on Monday, but I also have to acknowledge the possibility that it may not happen.
My five heroes are already calling for my attention, for my support. As I write this I know I'm already hooked. Let the feeling grow on me and I will be back in the loop of worrying, hoping and praying in no time at all.

25 comments:

  1. Just remember girl, I only had FOUR fertilize. Only 3 of them made it to day 5. And I am now pregnant with twins. It WILL happen. It is your turn! Praying for you.

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  2. I will be hoping and praying that your five little heroes are just what are needed!!!

    Have faith!

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  3. Having all the information and knowing what to prepare for (including all worst-case-scenarios) is about the only measure of control we have in this very out of control business. And so I can understand your mood today. Warming up to it slowly is basic self preservation!

    That said...WOO-HOO!!! You've got five little heroes:) Happy, happy day:)

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  4. I completely understand where you're coming from and wanting to protect your heart. I find that a balance of prepare for the worst but hope for the best is what gets me through these tough times.

    That said... Way to go you Fab Five! Keep growing little guys.

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  5. Of course it is okay to feel whatever you feel, whether it be nothing, or hopeless, or scared, or hopeful, or excited...I think sometimes we think that if we feel a certain way, it will effect the outcome, like we can somehow control the physiological process of conception with our hearts. And yet...so many women whose blogs I've followed have lost all hope and broken down a day or two before their positive beta - I think what it comes down to, my love, is we can write the script, cast the players, and dress the stage, but after that we have to let go and let the show go on as it will. And know that our feelings, positive or negative, will not change the outcome. If you don't feel hope right now, don't worry - we are all carrying that responsibility for you! Know that I am thinking this morning of your five little heroes and of you and crossing my fingers for a fantastic show!
    Love,
    Maddy

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  6. Five is great! I just know that among those little hero is your baby-to-be. Hoping and wishing for you! And getting excited :)

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  7. Fran, oh Fran- yeah for 5 girl, yeah indeed! This shit gets tough, we all know that, but you are doing extremely well considering the craZy circumstances. I am rooting for the fabulous 5 to do their thing. Remember 2010 year of the ivf babies. me and you. Take good care of yourself and do something nice for you, just you! xoxoxoxo

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  8. Congrats on five...nothing to sneeze at!

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  9. Your feelings are perfectly normal and it's ok to feel that way. You have a "fab 5" growing and waiting for you. There is time for worry so if you want to take a break from worry, it's ok. I hope you get a great phone call Sunday with wonderful news that all 5 are still alive and kickin'! I'm hoping for the best!

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  10. Hi Fran -

    Somehow I missed yesterday's post! Sorry it did not turn out they way you had thought it might. It is OK to do what you need to do to protect yourself. This is a hard process all the way around. You are still in the game with your fab 5, and I am saying a prayer for you and them.

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  11. 5 out of 6 fertilizing is a great stat... you have to have had good quality eggs there! There is nothing wrong in trying to numb yourself by preparing for the worst - if that is what keeps you sane then that is normal... no matter what you think right now - the embies are growing for you. I am sending positive vibes your way and praying that you have nice chunky day 5 embies! {HUUUUUGS}

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  12. I think what you're feeling is completely normal. You have to do whatever is necessary to protect your heart and emotions from the rollercoaster that is infertility. Hang in there. I'll be praying that your five embryos keep growing well and that you get good news for the transfer!

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  13. Praying for the best. You had a great fert report.

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  14. Found you through LFCA. I completely understand the trying to prepare yourself for the worst so that you can keep your emotional sanity, I've been doing a lot of the same lately. That's wonderful that 5 are still doing well though, will keep you in my thoughts...hope for a fantastic 2nd report!!!

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  15. Giving up on hope is a normal phase to go through, so is putting your energy elsewhere.

    5 out if 6 is stellar. And it means you're still in the game! Wishing you the best of luck for the coming days.

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  16. I think it is perfectly normal to feel that way. Sometimes I feel like it is easier to expect less and be happy if it actually goes really well then expect more and be disappointed. While you take your time to warm back up to the hope, we can throw lots of hope and love your way. ((Hugs))

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  17. Sometimes it's easier to protect ourselves and then be surprised then it is to be vulnerable and hopeful then be dissappointed. I understand, I really do. But you have FIVE and that's amazing!! And maybe it will take time to settle in...or maybe you just prefer to wait and see. Self preservation, but I think you'll come around. It's hard not to be excited when your future baby is possibly sitting there waiting to implant! I don't know your entire story yet, but I am sure you have every reason to be fearful. I hope that there's A Hero out of all your heroes, growing inside of you soon!!! Lots of love coming your way.xoxoxoxoxo

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  18. Five heroes! Yay! Hope the worrying doesn't start too soon - you sound very zen to me. Probably a good place to be for now xx

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  19. Oh Fran I was so happy to see your post! Five little heroes is great. I only had four eggs, only one fertilized and it was genetically flawed. To me five is over the top! It only takes one...special thoughts being sent your way across the ocean from the US!

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  20. So 6 out of 18 wasn't so encouraging. But 5 out of 6 fertilizing is AWESOME! Now of course you're reaction (or non-reaction) is perfectly normal. You must protect your heart and your hopes and keep the giant kick in the ass at bay. At least until you feel more certain about this cycle - particularly after what has happened. So you do and think and feel whatever is best for you right now....and we'll just wait for Sunday's news (which of course I will be hoping and praying for a solid 5 out of 6 little heroes still going strong). Love and hugs.

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  21. Dear Fran, I'm thinking of you and hoping that opening your heart up to the famous five embies is a good thing and bodes well for their future. I know that detached feeling - and not wanting to get invested. Sending love and hugs to you.

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  22. I don't blame you one bit for feeling this way. You have been through hell, and who wants to put themselves back out there only to have your hand bitten again? That being said, not all hope is lost. Keep that little glimmer for your five embies. They need you, your love, and support to keep them going. You are very strong, and while it may feel to you like your strength is waivering, rest assured everyone else sees pure strenth.

    I am looking forward to hearing about your awesome fertilization report.

    *hugs*

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  23. Yay for the Fabulous Five! Praying hard for you Fran! It's gotta be THE one. It's just gotta be.

    xxx

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  24. Five heroes! Very pleased to hear this. I'm hoping and praying for all of you!

    xxoo

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  25. Five little babies!!!! YAY!!!! Saying a prayer now.

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Thank you so much for stopping by, your comments warm my heart!