Physically I'm feeling well, just to tell you, I'm back in work, not a single painkiller taken. I agree with you that it was certainly the best and more sensible choice to trigger me with a low dose of HCG to avoid hyperstimulation, I only wish they had told me about the possible poor outcome at ER. That's all. I would have been prepared, I wouldn't have had unreal expectations and I would have felt part of the process rather than a powerless spectator. On my first cycle, I had 24 follicles. I had the full dose trigger, they got 16 eggs and I had a bare touch of discomfort for a couple of days after ER. they had told me that if they got more than 20 eggs I would have gone for elective freeze. It didn't happen. I am normally reasonable and I work with the clinic, I have always felt they worked with me too. I think they didn't expect this result either. But an informed decision and a calculated risk is acceptable to me, much more than a "don't worry, you'll be fine". That's me.
Needless to say I had very little hope for the 6 eggs retrieved. Yes, they were all mature. Yes they were all injected. Still I had to be prepared for bad news on the fertilization report. I had to. Every single time I have been optimistic in this process for the past 2 years of ART I got a massive kick in the ass. Every single time. You know I'm not being dramatic here. Everyone needs a safety net at some point to remain sane, mine this time was to give up hope.
So when the embryologist called I was ready to take any news that would have come. I wasn't nervous. I wasn't anxious. I wasn't worried. I didn't jump at the phone ringing (I have a specific ringtone for the clinic). The fact that a doctor didn't call already meant that it wasn't a tragedy (it wouldn't have been anymore for me). When she said 5 fertilized and looked good it was as if she was saying "I had coffee this morning". Nothing. I felt nothing. No relief, no big joy in my heart. I went through the motions of when will the next update be (Sunday) and would they call me earlier if things do not go well (only if they all die before Sunday, if there is even one left they won't call). I am tired. Is it normal? Is it ok to put my energy somewhere else rather than thinking of the growing embryos and the various scenarios that go with it? Did we do this too soon and I wasn't really ready? Perhaps I just need a bit of time to recover from yesterday. I will focus in getting ready to welcome back the embryos on Monday, but I also have to acknowledge the possibility that it may not happen.
My five heroes are already calling for my attention, for my support. As I write this I know I'm already hooked. Let the feeling grow on me and I will be back in the loop of worrying, hoping and praying in no time at all.