Monday, February 15, 2010

Outlook- not so good

***WARNING: Negative post ahead***

As the day progressed yesterday, all my positive mood faded away quite quickly. I don't think I'm pregnant, I don't feel anything a part from some bloating after I eat something. I know I am tired because I wake up every night at 4.06 am and lie awake for 2 hours before falling back to sleep for 10 minutes before the alarm goes off for the progesterone. Who wouldn't be?
I told Mike last night I didn't feel too good any more about this cycle, of course he was adorable but I could see the sadness in his eyes.
I think my uterus is just not capable of pregnancies. I got pregnant twice in my life, both times it was ectopic, of course the embryos are fine and strong, it's not them it's me. I'm desperately trying to find out if there is an expert in ectopic pregnancies I can contact and I have sent a couple of emails, we'll see.
So what do we do if this is a real failure?
Sure we have a penguin, but obviously if the problem is my uterus what's the point? A part from the heart-break of another 2ww I'm not sure it'll be worth it. I'm not sure I can ever have a normal pregnancy.
I could have more surgery, to remove the fibroid (never thought to be a problem) and properly remove the stumps of the tubes. I think in that case a higher transfer could be made with minimal risk of ectopic.
Surrogacy is also what I'm looking into at the moment. In Ireland the law seems to be very unclear, apparently my clinic is listed as one of the two that does surrogacy I will ask next time I call. We could go abroad also but major restrictions are in place in many Countries on non-residents and surrogacy there. If you guys have any knowledge please share, I need something to hang on to.
Test day still on wednesday. No spotting, cramping on and off as usual.


25 comments:

  1. Fran - I'm sorry that you are feeling down. Try to hang in there just a bit longer until you can test. You never know what symptoms you would be having.

    I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

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  2. I think you might be self preserving right now, because you allowed yourself to feel hopeful and now you are prtecting yourself from that. Completely normal. Allow yourself to feel what you need to, but please keep in mind many cycles where women got their BFP, they had the least symptoms. So while it doesn't surprise me that you are preparing for the worst possible news (I would be too) I am still hopeful and optimistic for you my dear. I hope today is a better day honey.

    xoxoxoxoxox

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  3. I don't have any advice/knowledge of surrogacy, but I wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. IVF is suck a mindf*ck. I know the place you are in well. We try to protect our hearts. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that this one is it and you won't need to look into surrogacy or an ectopic specialist. I haven't given up hope on you yet!

    Take care.

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  4. I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling bummed. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for the best for you. Things will get better. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

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  5. I'm sorry:( This terrible ride has thrown you in so many directions that I think it would be odd if your reaction were anything other than complicated. Tempering expectations is part of survival and I think it's not a bad thing to consider next steps, always, even while you hope you don't have to take them. I also think that when you've been pregnant before (and it's ended badly) you almost know too much...you compare a cycle to those cycles, look for parallels, etc.. But you're not at the end of this 2ww and while hunches sometimes pan out, they often don't. And I fervently hope that this one doesn't. And I hope that the next 2 days aren't terrible, though I know they probably will be. But I really don't think it's YOU, Fran. I think that so far you haven't been able to really see what your uterus can do because of awful, heart-breaking, infuriating luck (and possibly the wrong medium). I am thinking such good thoughts for you and I am sending you many mental hugs.

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  6. Oh Fran, I'm so sorry that you're down. :-( Please hang in there and remember that it's perfectly NORMAL to not feel ANY symptoms right now and still be pregnant. Infertility is such an emotional rollercoaster and the whole TWW is just dreadful. I'm thinking about you and praying that those little embies are all snuggly warm inside your uterus.

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  7. Fran - Hang in there. I know how much IVF can suck you down and make you think the absolute worse. Like others have said many pregnancy's start off with no symptoms. Plus in the screwy world of IVF we unfortunately know way too early what is going on and analyze every little thing in our bodies. Just hang in there my friend and visualize the positive. I'm sending you good vibes and lots of (((hugs))).

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  8. I'm sorry that you're feeling negative my friend. Good news is that you have not started bleeding yet and each day closer to test day is a good day.

    Take good care!

    xxx

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  9. I am sorry you're feeling down. Until you get that beta, you aren't sure about anything so try to hang in there. I am still super hopeful!!
    {{HUGS}}

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  10. I'm sorry you feel this way...but I am still holding on to some hope. I'm praying that you are wrong. Can't wait till Wednesday. Maybe it's a good think that this feels different....

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  11. Dear, lovely Fran...I am so sad to know that you are so down, but this is not unusual in those 2-3 days leading to beta day after IVF...If I had a dollar for all the posts I've read by despondent women saying they really don't feel pregnant before their BFP, well, I could cover my own IVF this month!

    Everyone has already been saying what I'm thinking, too - you just really never know until test day. And, while I believe you when you say you don't feel pregnant, at the same time remember that your last two pregnancies were not located in your uterus, so this one may feel very different. Plus, I have heard of women who have different experiences with each pregnancy, so you really never can tell.

    I hope these next two days go by as quickly and painlessly as possible, and that you can get some much-needed sleep. Do whatever you need to do to get through the waiting, and know that we are all hoping and keeping the faith on your behalf.

    Lots of love,
    Maddy

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  12. I am so sorry that you are feeling so down and negative about this cycle. I know other people mention that they had no symptoms before their BFP, but I definitely did not think that I was pregnant on our positive cycle. The day before I tested I researched all the RE's in our area and wrote down phone numbers to call the second AF arrived.

    Hang in there. Wednesday is so close. I will be thinking of you!

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  13. I know exactly how you feel. I had that feeling yesterday, and I am only two days into my 2WW. You have been through so much. You are a strong, lovely woman who deserves this baby and deserves to have hope. I know it is hard though. You are in my thoughts!!!!! Hugs!!!

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  14. Fran - I think you've gone into the infertile's survival mode. As beta approaches we start making plans for the next cycle because it helps us feel in control of the process. Hugs!!!! I'm still holding high hopes for your beta.

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  15. Dear, dear Fran, all of these other wonderful comments have said so many of the things that I want to tell you too. Know that you remain in my thoughts and that I am holding on to hope for you.

    Kieran (who admits to being horrible at leaving comments though he does read!) has just asked me to send his love and support to you and your husband too. He remains optimistic and hopes that these next couple of days aren't too hard on you.

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  16. Sorry you're having a negative day - hope tomorrow's a better one! I've also heard of a ton of women who were sure they weren't pg who got their BFPs. The only symptom I remember having was that I thought my sense of smell got a little stronger a couple days before my beta at 17dpo. Lots have reported cramping and other stuff and ended up pg. You just never know. But I wouldn't really let myself believe I could be pg until the beta came in. Before that I was kind of focused on what our next step would be in case we got a BFN. And I just kept on praying.
    Best of luck for the rest of the cycle!

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  17. There's no evidence whatsoever that you have to be in a good frame of mind for it to work.

    Staying optimistic throughout the 2ww is nearly impossible.

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  18. My poor darling. It is perfectly natural that your mind and your heart are upside down at this moment - thinking the worst possible outcome is inevitable and already trying to figure out "what's next."

    I wish I could give you some comfort. There is simply NO WAY to tell during the horrible 2ww whether you are pregnant or not, not until AF shows up or there is a negative beta. Which doesn't mean, of course, that your fears won't play on your mind. But please don't give up hope yet!

    So even if you don't believe it, please meditate and TALK to your babies. Tell them how much you want them love them, and encourage them to grab on and settle in. I hope this will help you find peace and help work your miracle.

    Love and hugs.

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  19. Oh honey... I was playing catch up and I just wanted to send you my love... I am hoping that there is a BFP tomorrow. Hoping, hoping, hoping. And praying too.

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  20. Oh, Fran...

    It's so hard to remain positive during an IVF cycle. I swear I changed my mind on whether I was or wasn't every hour leading up to beta day.

    I know how scary it is to worry that it will be another ectopic. It was my biggest fear after my transfer. The fact that you've been pregnant twice is a GOOD thing, even if it was in the wrong place, don't let your mind tell you otherwise.

    I'll hold on to hope, even if you can't.

    ((HUGS))

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  21. It is too early to give up yet Fran. You won't have any pregnancy symptoms until around the 6th week. I didn't have any my first trimester. None. I actually didn't believe I was pregnant even after seeing it on a scan. It wasn't until I had had three scans at different offices that I decided no one was playing a cruel trick on me.

    I really like Kim's comment. I agree with her completely.

    I will keep my fingers and toes crossed for you and wait with hope for the news on Wednesday.

    *Big hugs*

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  22. Fran-I am sorry that you're feeling down in the dumps per se. After our first IVF, in the tww, I too thought there was no way I was pg. All the symptoms I was having were also pre-AF symptoms, or could have been attributed to the progesterone shots...so I thought we were out. I was wrong. I hope you are too and that one or two have found nice little homes in your uterus! I'll check back on Wednesday! BTW, found you by way of ICLW which hasn't started yet for the month, but I'm bored...

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  23. I just had to comment, I have felt that hoplessnes during the 2ww! But I have to tell you, (You can go read back on my blog)it was the night before my beta and I had no hope in the cycle, I didnt have a single symptom! NONE! BUT, the next days beta came back at 271! and I am currently pregnant with twins. I understand that everyones situation is different. But i just remember feeling like everything I read, everyone had SOME sort of symptom! so maybe you could have a little hope? although I sure didnt at that time. I wish you the best of luck!!!

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  24. Here from LFCA - I have my beta on Friday, and I've been feeling similarly depressed. I had an ectopic pregnancy with my first IVF too, so my other panic is similar to yours - that, even if this does work, the ectopic problem will rear its ugly head again.

    I'll be hoping for the best for you. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.

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  25. Dearest Fran,
    I'm so sorry you are feeling so down and hopeless. It's completely to be expected and completely a mind f@ck. I'm right there with you too. I test Thurs and beta is Friday. Sending love and hope your way:)

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