Away for the weekend

I had a great sleep last night, I actually can't remember when was the last time I didn't wake up at 4.30 am feeling ready to go (the steroids do this to you!). When the alarm went off as a gentlere minder to put the progesterone gel in, it felt like I had barely fallen asleep! And I slept for two more hours afterwards! So I feel good. I had nice dreams also. I still feel positive and I'm visualising my two little ones growing and dividing after implanting sometime yesterday. I really want this to work of course, but I have to admit that since our adoption paper work in the pipeline I feel so much more relaxed that we will have children one day in our house.

Mad Hatter recommended to stay away from Dr. Google and she's absolutely right!
Sweet Georgia also reassured me about the different formulations so I am really not worrying any more about it.
And I did follow up after the messing up at the clinic yesterday, I got an apology and the promise that they'll get needles in! They better.

So we are off for the weekend, it's bankholiday here on monday which means it's a day of holiday for everyone not just the banks really and we are going to visit friends in the countryside. I'll be taking it very easy, with my ipod and crosswords to do, but they are a fabulos couple who know we are doing IVF and they are so supportive I couldn't be in a better place during the 2ww. To all my friends a big kiss, and to Best when used by we are heading west! You never know!! I may be appearing in your garden catching you potting around, so be careful!

Intralipid and progesterone

This morning I went into town to get my intralipid infusion. I realise I never really explained what it is for so here it goes another little science lesson! (taken from the info material I got from the clinic by the way)

"Evidence from both animal and human studies suggest that intralipid adminstered intravenously may enhance implantation and help mantain pregnancy. Intralipid is a 20% intravenous fat emulsion used routinely as a source of fat and calories for patient requiring intravenous nutrition. It is composed of 10% soybean oil, 1.2% egg yolk phospholipids, 2.25% glycerine and water. Intralipid stimulate the immune system to remove "danger signals" that can lead to pregnancy loss. The appeal for intralipid lies in the fact that it is relatively inexpensive and is not a blood product. Its likely benefit to IVF patients with immunologic disfunction is still under evaluation".

So basically, given that I had some borderline values in my preliminary immune-profile they recommend I take it anyway as the full treatment (2 dose at day 8 of the cycle, one in the 2ww and one at some point if I get a BFP) is cheaper than very expensive blood tests which are done in only 3 labs in the World (!!) and that would confirm if I really need it or not. The same ordeal of the needles repeated itself, I just couldn't believe it that despite the promises of having various size needles for this time around, despite me reminding the coorinator when she phone last tuesday to move my appointment a day earlier, despite the fact that the words "relatively inexpensive" really means it costs a good bit and it ain't covered, I still had to be tortured. Because that was it. Three bursted veins later the doctor only put in half the cannula to get around the problem and it worked. I actually suggested it like the worst junky on Hearth...I had to explain I had been a paramedic for 6 years and I had a few tricks of my own. I am going to complain though, if they don't have the right equipment I shouldn't pay full price for the treatment. Another worry on my mind was about the progesterone I'm taking this time around. A girl on the local forum, on the same vaginal gel (Crin.one 8%) but no oestrogen tablets, started bleeding way before the testing day and that shook me no end. I went checking all my meds and discovered that one dose of Crin.one gives you 90 mg of progesterone (I take two a day). On my last cycles I was on progesterone pessaries which gave you 400 mg per dose (and I had two a day of those also). My very first cycle, to the pessaries I was adding PIO once a day (50 mg of progesterone but as injections). I never, thankfully started bleeding earlier than the test day even when it was a BFN. But you know, I'm no RE of course, but these numbers don't make sense! I did a bit of reading and it does seem that the formulation of Crin.one is way better than the pessaries and that you do absorb the same amount even though you are on a lower dose. Because I'm at home at the moment I don't have access to the scientific journals i could see if I were in work so my mind was racing. I called the clinic and they said there has not been a single case where switching to Crin.one had made a difference, so basically, IF progesterone works for you and stops your period even if you are in fact not pregnant be reassured that Crin.one will do the same job. And so I decided to believe and my wait to the test day continues...

No snow babies for us

Our three little fighters didn't actually make to to the freezer unfortunately.

The blast that had started to cavitate but didn't seem to be doing to well yesterday didn't progress, the other two compacting morulas have compacted today but the embryologist felt that the process was too slow to be good (day 6 you definitely should have blasts) so she didn't think freezing them was a good idea. I actually agree. Beside, two FETs didn't work for me, whether it is the preparation therapy that doesn't agree with my body or just bad luck, I rather have a fresh cycle.

Having said that, all my energies are with these two on board and again the embryologist said that they were "very good-looking blasts" above the rest of the group anyway, so fingers crossed!

I have been in bed-couch-bed most of the day, so I feel I'm giving this cycle the best chance ever! Tomorrow I'm going in for the intralipid IV which I'll visualise as food for the embryos! Doing quite a lot of relaxation and listening to post-transfer CD. No symptom spotting as it would do my head in!

Two blastocysts are with mommy!

Wow...a few little miracles happened today. First of all, your messages kept me calm, they really did and I'll never be able to thank you enough for them.

The second miracle was that when we got to the clinic, after one and half our of reiki and acupuncture together (totally recommend it!), added on top of relaxation techinques all through the morning, I was the most peaceful and relaxed person they have ever seen...

The third miracle was when we talked to the embryologist. We actually had questions written down for her so she knew she was in for a long chat (and my bladder wasn't full enough enyway!). Both Mike and I are scientist and Mike is a molecular biologyst so I mean...we just don't want the dummed down version of what's going on, we need a scientific detailed explanation and if you have papers to back you up we'd love to read them! And she was lovely, she totally engaged in the conversation and gave us every little detail we were asking for.
So here it goes my little science lecture for the day!

She rechecked my E2 value and confirmed that 9 eggs out of 13 follicles is exactly as expected and that it correlated well with the 5642 on monday last. She said a value of 500-1000 is what indicates a mature egg (I had lower values, but maybe these are different units?).
7 mature eggs was perfect out of 9 total and the fertilisation was also very good with 6 out of 7 looking good on day 1.
On day 2 all the 6 embryos had 4 cells. At this stage they get put into a different culture broth to help them developing further.
On day 3 we had 3x8 cells, 3x7 cells and 1x5 cells. They were all doing well with only one having minor signs of fragmentation.
On day 4 (yesterday report), we had 3 morulas, one compacted, one 20% compacted and one 30% compacted (early stage morula), one 7 cell and one 8 cell didn't divide, the 5 cells grew to 6 cell. Again here they get a new batch of growing medium which is richer an should help the step from morula to blast.
Today, day 5 our two early morulas were beautiful blasts with nice cavitation showing (where the embryo is going to form), the compacted morula was also a blast but the cavitation was not as pronounced and it's under observation until tomorrow. Remember the 6 cell embryo? It became a compacted morula today!! Liked the new food apparently! And so did the 8 cell arrested embryo! Another compacted morula! The 7 cell didn't budge. So amazingly, we may have something to freeze tomorrow, in a cycle where we would have been happy to have something to transfer today! She'll phone us tomorrow in any case to let us know.

The transfer in itself was easy and the doctor was the same as I had for the ER, so now he's my absolute favourite one! He was very nice and encouraging which is nice to hear.
Testing day will be on the 9th of August (Mike's comment was "oh, the day of the All Ireland semi-final!" he's a big hurling fan, a traditional irish game...) and I don't have any tests at home because I'm determined not to test ealry! I'll be taking a few days off work this time.
I'm going to go in for my second intralipid on thursday morning instead of friday, but apparently it's no problem. So here I am, in my 2ww for the fourth time! Praying for my dream to become real.

News is in, transfer scheduled for tomorrow!

The embryologyst called at 5 to 5...I didn't think it's was going to be good news at that point...I was expecting a call around 4.20!! But once again I should have done somethign else with my time other than worrying...

So it looks like good news again for the moment, here's the situation: yesterday all 6 embryos looked very good (no wonder they didn't call, but WTF you would think they realise how torturing this is) but today one 7 cell and one 8 cell din't make the transition to morula!

Imagine if those were the one you would have transfered on day 3! They looked good the embryologist said but obviously not good enough, they would have frozen them yesterday.

One is behind schedule, yesterday it was 5 cell and today 6.


But three are morulas!! One compacting morula and two showing signs of compacting, so transfer is for tomorrow at 2 pm getting ther at 1.30 blah blah blah. Of course there is still the possibility of a dreaded phone call by 10.30 tomorrow morning....but let's just hope it won't happen and 10.30 seems so much better than 1pm anyway.

Once again I am getting to transfer with a load of stress on me that it won't be any good, but there's nothing I can do. I'll go to see my acu/reiki french lady before trasfer anyway hopefully it'll help a bit!

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Update!

Thank you for your messages and encouraging thoughts. You are right and I know you are, this is good news and I have to appreciate how good it is. So as I came home I took out my Wii-fit and did lots of yoga and deep breathing while burning lavander oil and citronella! I feel so much better, I feel positive, there will be no call tomorrow, and in any case there's nothing I can do about it so I will focus on a good night sleep and pre-transfer CD! Also the Wii gave a great news that I'm finally loosing a bit of weight!! Since I started 17 days ago (says the machine!) I have lost 3.5 Kg (7.5 lb) which made me feel really good about myself! Damn pill! I'm done with you!!

mother

You know the verification word you have to type when you leave a comment on some people's blog? Most of the time they don't have any meaning, but today, while I was egarly reading avery blog on the ICLW list and leaving nearly as many messages to try and keep sane while looking at the clock moving ever so slowley, this one popped up "mother" I took it as a good sign and typed it in making sure there were no spelling mistake!

So it's almost 7.30 pm local time here, I am breathing again. No call! Oh boy today was tough. I didn't want to post any sooner just in case I jinxed the good "mother" omen. Oue embryos must be doing well enough for them not to call us, of course the embryologist did say that the transition to tomorrow is the critical one, but at least they WILL call tomorrow no matter what! So when the phone will ring at some point somewhere in my office where the reception is better (damn shilded windows!) I won't be panicking straight away.
All your blogs kept me distracted and I decided to join a few more which I felt particularly close to. Clare posted a lovely post today on the different approach between men and women on the 2ww. I really felt so close to that post as Mike today watched a few matches on telly, shouting at the referee and being completely calm/positive about the fact that we were on the line of fire today. I told him once "I'm worried about the phone call..." his answer was "there's no need to worry, they won't call!". A part from the fact that he was right (thank God) he had a very enjoyable Sunday while mine was a miserable one! I envy him for his ability to NOT WORRY about things unless they happen, I think I could do with a bit of that quality too!
Again thank you all for your comments, I swear I would be lost without your support.

No news, good news!

And today went by without a blip. No phone call (from anyone actually!) which means that our little embryos are doing well. Relief. Tomorrow is another day and I'll try and stay positive.
Of course your support is amazing, I can't wait to log on and get my virtual cuddles!

But I am kind of edgy. Mike is annoying me these days, nothing he does or says is right. And I find it impossible to let it go. Today he phoned his sister, I don't know if you remember, but she had three children all with IVF. You would think she's my best friend given that she knows well the hell we are going through. Nope. This type of relationship between brother and sister is one of those were neither of them says much and both seem to mind just their own business. Of course it has nothing similar to the warm relationship I have with my sister and I actually can't understand how it works. They seem to be no more than aquaintances most of the time. So after our first devastating experience where I felt so alone in this mess I could hardly keep my sanity, I was very clear I wouldn't have shared anything else with the in-laws (MIL is no better, she abruptley changed subject once). Maybe I'm exagerating, but I feel that if I get to the point of telling someone (and we are talking family here!) about our journey, the least I expect is a phone call every blue-moon to see how things are going. Given that this never happened I don't think they are interested, so why bother. Anyway, today Mike said to her I had ER on thursday and all going well ET is on tuesday. We got a "Good luck with the transfer" and I think that'll be it for the forseable future.
Also we hadn't said to Mike's side of the family about our adoption project either (not sure how they would take the fact that we are NOT considering Russia OR any other European Country, where children have blue eyes and pale skin, but we are very keen on Vietnam...) but because we need some more medical info from when Mike was a child he had to phone his mum and ask her to go to the local doctor to see if they have kept any record. He must have given too much information as when he was on the phone to his sister, she was very helpful in pointing out that a friend (who has adopted from Russia) said it was a MISTAKE to put too much information in the application, that this will delay things no end. Thanks. Really appreciate it. Already it is a lengthy process, we could do with some support you know? We felt that being totally honest was the way to go and in anycase now is too late to change anything on the application form so why why why does she have to point out that we probably added months to our process? And then Mike wonders why I don't want to stay here at Christmas...

And then there were 6!

Thank you thank you thank you for your supportive messages. Everyone of them is like a warm hug.

So the embryologyst rang. It wasn't the moron thank God...but the top guy, he's Scottish and really really nice. After confirming my date of birth he said immediately that it was good news and that I could breathe! And I did.

He said out of the 9 eggs 7 were mature, 2 were too small probably coming from the smaller follicles (damn delay!!) but that out of the 7 that got inoculated 6 fertilised nicely and they are looking very good at the moment. I had tons of questions of course, like what a bout this delay? Did he think he could have been better? He said that he didn't think so, it's not that easy to retrieve eggs, it's done basically in the dark with a huge needle and the doctor hopes to fish out the egg with the follicular fluid but that can also not happen. Anyway he said 9 eggs out of 13 follicles is a normal results and that it's so much more important that this cycle i didn't overstimulate and that I feel well. He thinks also that no matter what the previous cycle was, these eggs are bound to be better quality (there was not as much competition as he put it!). So he's cautiously optimistic. They will have a look at the embryos over the weekend, but that the major obstacle will be between day 3 and day 4 (sunday to monday). They will give me a progress report on monday afternoon and schedule then my transfer. Also, he said they look at the embryos between 3 and 4 pm so not to dread a call in the morning because it ain't happening! It better not be!

Well I feel much better today mood-wise, and I'll stay calm and positive over the weekend. The ICLW week couldn't come a better time!

9 eggs collected

Thank you all so much for the messages of good wishes...I brought them all with me this morning!

I wore my planned outfit (a very comfy track suit my sister gave to me as a present).

I got to the clinic by 8.30 as indicated. I took my two pills of painkillers also at 8.30 am as indicated. At 9.15 am I was still in the waiting room....waiting. Should I not have the procedure done at 9.30 am (35.5 hours after trigger)?? WTF is going on?? They make your head explode by telling you constantly how important it is that you get your trigger done EXACTLY at the time they tell you, NOT half an hour before, NOT half an hour after. Of course I went to reception and asked what was going on, they said they call theatre to find out. Anyway, a few minutes later the nurse came up brought me and Mike down to the recovery room next to theatre, and in two seconds I was wearing the gown. But I could har the doctor talking to another lady, going through all the signed consent forms and explaining her the procedure. So she went in when I thought I should have been in.

Needless to say I freaked out. Mike was fantastic, he called the nurse, told her I was very worried about this delay and that we knew timing is paramount in EC so how come we are late? She was lovely too, of course she said it's not that the follicles start popping on the second and that 36 hours after trigger is perfect timing and she went into theatre to ask the doctor just in case. But at this pace I'll be getting my eggs out well after 36 hours (which in my mind was the absolute latest that should happen). The one in theatre before me was there for maybe 20 minutes, so I thought we are still on time!

At 9.55 the doctor came to us and we went (very quickly) through the consent forms etc. He said to go to the loo and that he'll be waiting for me in the theatre. I went, nearly no pee at all, out in a flash. And then this moron from the lab came out to us saying he had to confirm our identity and take the pics. Ok, moron, hurry up though! He was as slow as a dead snail, I was looking at his watch, 10.05 am. Took the pics with some kind of device and then said to us he had to do it again as the device wasn't sending the pics to the lab. WTF WTF WTF, tried again, still not working (10.10 am), he went to the lab to take a second device, still not working. I was almost in tears. Mike said "can we not do this later?" and he said "yes of course" (moron!! we've been there one and half hour where the hell were you?). I could hear the docor asking the nurse what was the delay about... I went in for the procedure possibly at 10.20.

I suppose it went well, I don't remember anything and I have no pain at all even now. Like I had absolutely nothing done. And then I slept and slept and slept. When I was waking up a bit, the nurse came talking to me and said it went very well, they got 9 eggs. I thought "great, they got eggs!" But since then I'm obsessing over numbers, over the quality of the eggs if the retrival was in fact done bit late (had the best popped already?), and of course over the phone call we have to wait for tomorrow between 4 and 7 pm to find out how many were good eggs and how many fertilised.

Honest scrap award!

Well, I went looking at Tina's blog who hadn't been posting in while and I saw she had won the totally deserved Honest Scrap award. Then reading down her post I saw that...she named me to receive it!! So I wonder if I didn't get a message about it or if it's a mistake eheh but I'll take it anyway :o) !

Here are the Honest Scrap stipulations:

1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find interesting and engaging

2. Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap Award"

3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself

So here it goes! In no particular order...I wish to pass this award on to:

Cathy at A journey to conception with all my best wishes for this cycle to be it for her!

Sandra D. at Keeping My Head Out of the Stove...While Waiting For a Bun in the Oven

Flower at With God, All Things are Possible! (may this FET work for you!!)

Clare at The pitter-patter

Sweet Georgia at Room in my oven

Stacey at My Infertile World as this was the very first blog I started reading and it inspired me to start my own

Best when used by at Best when used by

And now ten honest things about myself:
1) I have been married before, it didn't work out and I have been blessed with a second chance (which thankfully seems to be working just fine!)

2) I love chocolate, Nutella above all and I can have a sudden urge to dig a big spoon in the jar (and giving in to it immediately!)

3) I'm trying to work on Mike to adopt a pet (small dog or a cat even!) but I haven't succeeded yet! having much better luck with the real adoption process though...ah well you can't have everything.

4) I love my job! I'm a college lecturer and I love the teaching aspect of it as well as the research.

5) I am addicted to House M.D., Lost, Desperate houswives and Law and Order (all of them)! Loving the Dog Wisperer too!

6) I am an hypochondriac! Doing fine most of the time but thinking of having the most deadly conditions when I'm stressed!

7) I really should have been a medical doctor. This may sound strange as I said at point 4) that I love my job. But deep deep down I know my career should have been a different one. One day maybe...

8) I am not patient. And this journey has definitely taught me a lot!

9) I cannot remember names at all! Do you know the classic situation of being introduced to people and for me...honestly...as soon as they say their name I have forgotten it!

10) Although I don't remember names I have a massive memory for conversations! I can remember details years after we had a chat! So the latin saying "scripta manent, verba volant" (what's written stays and what's said goes away) is not really working with me!

And finally, thank you to you all for your support in my journey, I love having new followers and I am so happy you are all here.

ICLW week is here again!

I couldn't wait for this week to come around again! I feel so fortunate that this share of virtual hugs comes when I most need it.

A brief introduction for the new comers.
We are currently undergoing ICSI, this is our second fresh cycle, the first one was almost a year ago and we had an ectopic pregnancy which required surgery and the loss of my left tube (and half my heart went with it too). We had a lot of frozen embryos which allowed us to FET cycles, the first one didn't work while the second one resulted in a chemical pregancy.
So here we are again, I'm doing a short protocol this time with antagonists and it worked like a treat so far, at my final scan yesterday I had 5 good follicles on the left and 8 good ones on the right plus a few smaller ones. My E2 levels were very good too, so I had my final dose of Pure.gon last night, the last Orgalu.tran this morning and the next step is triggering tonight and EC on thursday morning!! We will be going to blast so it'll be a very long weekend waiting (or not!) for a phonecall from the clinic if things don't go well. I will stock up in eny virtual hugs I can get!

Final scan, checked!

Day 11 scan was today and it also went well! Follicles are basically ready to be retrieved!! I have 6 nice follicles on the right (3x20mm-3x16 mm, plus 2 more around 14mm) and 5 good ones on the left (3x18 mm, 1x17mm, 1x16 mm, plus 2 small around 12mm). So I got the goahead for ER on thursday!! My E2 levels on friday were at 2020 so nice and easy, they are giving me a call this afternoon after they get today's E2 to decide if I'll be doing Pure.gon tonight or not. So the plan now is to have the last Orgal.utran tomorrow morning, the last Clex.ane tonight, possibly Pure.gon tonight and trigger with 10,000 units of Pregn.yl TADAAAAHH tomorrow night at 10pm European time! ER will be at 9.30 am on thusday morning.

I am excited...and I have to be calm!! Booking in with my reiki/acu/massage girl for wed night just for the little extra help!

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Update

the clinic called, E2 up nicely to 5642! so only 100U Pure.gon tonight and I'm good to go!! Thanks for your support girls, hopefully this will work for us!

First intralipid infusion done!

I didn't manage to update last night on my intralipid infusion. Well, it's no big deal...ONCE THEY MANAGE TO FIND A VEIN THAT WOULD HOLD THE NEEDLE!! Oh my God...this clinic had only one type of cannula which was too big for my veins.

After two attempts which resulted in two collapsed veins and me nearly passing out, they got the superdoctor in and the ordeal was over. He was great actually!

I have to do it again in two weeks and they promised they are going to have smaller needles for me. The drip was only 250mL but took over 90 minutes to be done, thankfully I brought a book with me and I didn't get too bored.

Also no call this time from the fertility clinic, so everything is well and I'll follow the plan.

Second scan: cheked!

Day 8 scan this morning and things are looking good! My lining is up to 8.3 mm with nice triple pattern, follicles on the right side are up a bit (8/9) measuring nicely between 13.3 mm and 11 mm. No newbie on the left, still 7 growing nicely (4 around 13 mm and 4 abit smaller). Dr. L (my absolute favourite!) was very pleased and once again, unless the blood comes back with some suprise this afternoon I have to stay on my medications as planned. Monday is the day of the final scan and EC still on track for the following wednesday or thursday at the latest.
I checked again with Dr. L to make sure that I'll be triggering with pregnyl and not decapeptyl and she confermed that there's nothing that is indicating possible change of plan. Delighted with it.

Feeling very well, of course I have some twinges in the belly, but overall I am better than the last time. I'm going to my acu/reiki/holistic massage appointment today and really looking forward to it. Then, in the afternoon I'm getting this intralipid infusion for good measure!

My little sister is going to NY for 6 weeks leaving tomorrow, lucky chick! Seriously considering the possibility of a long weekend over there too!! But can't plan anything now of course.
I'll try and update this evening with news on the infusion!

Go follies go!!

Day 6 scan today and although I was quite nervous (too many?? to few??) it was just right. I have 6 follicles on the right side and 6/7 on the left. They are all nice sizes between 10mm and 7mm. So I am responding well, like the last time but a bit more controlled. Last time on the same day I had a few more follies and a little bit bigger, I was on a higher dose of Pur.egon too.
Good news on the lining front too. Already trilaminar pattern and increased to 5.3mm. The nurse was very happy and so was I!

She took my blood for E2 check but she doesn't expect any surprise and I have been given the green light to start my Orgalu.tran tomorrow (unless of course blood says otherwise). I'll be back on friday (Day 8).

I had a very nice chat with this nurse, I was quite puzzled by the fact that the doctor had suggested intralipid infusion just as a precaution given my ANA borderline and the nurse last week said I didn't need it. Well, it turns out I will get the infusion and it has to happen this friday!! Just as well I asked for clarifications.

I am also happy to report that my enthusiasm is back on track, all going according to plan I'm only a week away from EC!

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Update

the clinic called!! Would you believe it, I lost three years when I saw the caller ID on the screen....they never call if things are going well (and I complained about it after my failed FET the last time). Well, it was just to say my E2 level were great (1269 so very safe and just go on as planned) and that yes the doctor confirmed I should have the intralipid infusion done on friday!

New alternative experience

I want to thank you all for your kind words of support. Elliej my dear friend thank you so much for checking on me, I'd love to know how you are doing. Cathy your post was so true and you are right I should be thankful for the possibilities I have (and I am, but a reminder is always welcome!). Flower, Sweet Georgia, Sandra and Clare I am so lucky to have you looking after me and I want you all to know this means a lot!!

So I suppose all your positive messages have done the trick, I do feel much better and more positive. On friday I went to see a girl that does acupuncture, holistic massage and reiki. She combines all this in one session or whichever way you woudl like according to your needs. I loved her! She's french, young and her studio has a great positive energy. So I didn't feel like having acupuncture but she put those sticky beads on some acu-points just to induce some relaxation. She then perform reiki on me, I never got it done before, so I can't really tell much a part from the fact that it was a truly relaxing experience, I even had a dream! Not sure if it has anything to do with the fact that finally my tension headache has gone. It was so psycosomatic I was annoied with myself. But now I keep saying to myself positive things (affirmations) and I find it helps a lot too.
Last night I started the injections, all good, nothing to report even the Clex.ane was fine. Had also a good night sleep despite the steroids, let's hope it'll last!
Then I got my hair done this morning and I feel really good about myself now. Since I stopped the pill I have already lost 2 kilos! Wowowowo!! Go me!! It was definitely fluid retention. So only 4 more to go but I'm very happy already.
So here are my affirmations:
I AM POSITIVE ABOUT THIS NEW CYCLE....
I FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF....
THINGS WILL BE FINE...
AND I AM HAPPY...

Oh and something is happening on the adoption front too! Our referees have been contacted already and they are checking out our consultants at the moment! It's great to know our documents are not just sitting on someone's desk!

But where is my enthusiasm?

Baseline scan today. I had a new nurse, she was lovely and supervised (must have been the first scan she was doing). Thankfully (for both of us) all my bits are where they are supposed to be, so easy to find and to measure. All good to go, thin endometrium, quiet ovaries. Blood tests done also to check if me or Mike have got HIV in the last year...I know it's procedure but honestly it's quite heavy on the pockets to have to do this every time you cycle.
This time around they'll do a blood test at every scan to monitor E2. I said I'm glad to hear this, I know plenty of clinics do this and I was surprised here it wasn't done. I also said very clearly that I didn't want to take chances on this cycle of hyperstimulation, cancelling the cycle woudl be bad enough without getting any of the money back! She said they'l monitor me very closely.
Then she went through the meds...dear God...between the steroids, the heparine, the luveris, the puregon, the high strength folic acid and the vitamine B to help absorbing it I'll be like a walking clinic...and wait until we add the orgalutran for suppression. I have to say I didn't take it too well. Of course I knew this time around the "threw the proverbial kitchen sink at me" but it was still quite shocking. Even Mike flinched at the sight of all the injections and drugs I'll be on this time around.
On the way out Mike asked me "Aren't you happy?" I said I'm never happy to stuff myself with hormones, specially if it'll be just a big waste of time...
oh girls, I just don't know where to find a bit of enthusiasm to approach this cycle. I know how important it is to be positive and feel optimistic about it but I just don't seem to have it in me. Maybe I've given in to the fear that we'll never be parents of a bio-baby and I'm doing this just so that I can say I've done it again. Hopefully when the steroids will kick in tomorrow I'll feel a bit better, but I need all the help I can get this time around.

Back and ready to start

I'm back in Dublin and quite happy to be out of the heat!! It was actually very very difficult to sleep in Italy...
Thank you my friends for the support messages about the weight gain, I do feel much better (and didn't gain any extra while on holidays!!). I've also finsihed with the pill so it's all good to go for my fist scan on thursday. I feel a bit anxious (not about the scan, just this cycle in general) and worried that it may be another big blow. I'm a also thinking about which complementary therapy should I try this time around...as I mentioned before I kind of tired of acupuncture, and I was curious to try possibly reflexology or reiky... and I'll do meditation this time too. Any suggestion from you girls?

Comments on my weight

I have had enough. Since I started this nightmare of IVF last year I gained 6 kilos (13.2 lb for my American friends!). I know, I feel it and I'm certainly not proud of it. in total it's a little over 10% of my weight. Considering that I eat very little it has to be blamed on the hormones. Some days I tell myself "it'll be worth it" but most days I'm saying "is it really worth it?"
My mum passed a few comments while here on holidays on the fact that I have to go for walks (it's fecking bloody melting hot!) or I won't "consume the fat", my sister also noted that I am a bit "swallen". Ok I get it you know? i would like to see you all in my place and see how good you are at keeping your perfect figure. I am conscious of my body, I've always been. i've done sports (all kind) since and actually before I could walk. Lately I've done much less, I got older and obviously there is only so much legacy you can count on. But I don't know how to deal with this now. Nothing I do seem to make a difference, I have to eat while stimming or the follicles won't grow, the pill is just a devil for fluid retention but I only have a few more days to go and it'll be over. I'm absolutely dreading the fact that I'll be on cortisone this time around too. I said to Mike the other night that I won't be taking any more drugs after this cycle. So either we stop altogether or we'll look for a clinic that pays more attention to Nature itself, doesn't put me on the pill just to time me right with their calendar, and possibly considers IVF/ICSI on a natural cycle. I am so low today. We're going to the hills for a few days and back to Dublin on monday, so no internet for a while. I'll miss you all.