Frankenstein's belly!

Meaning mine! I somehow don't remember my belly being so bruised the last time...probably the clex.ane and the aspirine made things a bit worse, but honestly it's horrible to look at! Around each entry point (four in total) I have a big bruise going now all colours of the rainbow. At least they kind of went very close to the entry points I had the previous time so when all is settled I shouldn't be too different from before. A part from the belly button...it seems they have shrunk it! Ah well, it's not like I'm a teenager going around showing my belly, so probably it's not that big of a deal anyway.

I didn't have much to write these days so I didn't but I did read your updates and commented just in case you were worried about me ehehe. So while reading your blogs, I've asked my cyber friend Sam who had a lap only last wednesday, how her belly was coming along. Well...first of all she had her stitches removed 3 days after her op while the nurse in my case was not sure if I had disolvable stitches or not (...right...) but opted for the first option. My stitches are still there!! So after Sam replied to me I decided it was time for them to go and I removed them myself. At least now I don't have that pulling going on any time I stretch! The belly thanked me and started looking better already! I will not post a pic as I don't want to loose you my beloved followers, but trust me they had heavy hands this time!

So what's new. Well, the midwife specialised in ealry losses called me yesterday. I had called her on Monday when I was probably at my lowest and left a message. She did in fairness try to call me on wednesday, but I couldn't take the call so she left a message saying she would call on friday. And she did. I told her I was already feeling much much better but that probably it was no harm to go and see her once and get her expert opinion (like...I "think" I'm better but I'm going to crash soon!). She said that was a very good thing to do in any case and given that it's a free service (free!! I don't remember the last time I had something for free in Ireland) why not. I was already prepared for months of waiting list...and surprise! That's not the case either! She's going on holidays for two weeks and she'll see me on the 24th of September! Amazing. As for the rest I'm doing well I think, really looking forward to my HCG next friday and above all the appointment with the Super Doctor on the 8th.

I have started my two week detox plan and it's going well. I'm taking a food supplement which, believe it or not, it's specific for women on a detox plan (jeez...they really are one step ahead of the the consumer!), then I'm drinking a lot of water, I'm having a cup of green tea during the day (ideally at 11am but I don't get my head around it until 2pm it seems!), a detox juice with my lunch in work (carrot, apple and ginger, delicious!) and then I drink 500ml of herbal tea after dinner. Not sure if any of this actually does help you clening your liver from toxins, but I enjoy it anyway.

My period seems to be finishing off after a good 6 days (usually I'm more of a 3 days plus a couple with spotting) and still some traces, but I think I have some CM already! Not that it will be any good of course, but it's nice to know my ovaries are getting back to business.

Finally I have to tell you that Mike was extremely touched by all your comments on his posts and on himself afterwards, and given that he never really blogged or activily partecipated to a forum community, it all came as a bit of surprise to him. He kept saying in amazement how nice you all were! I know I have a lurker now! And I'm planning a very nice weekend for the two of us for his birthday in September, as a big big thank you for all he has done for me, I won't say any more for the moment just in case, but I'll tell you all about it afterwards!
I want to thank you also for having shared your stories with me, talking to people who have gone through the same bad luck helped immensely and above all, gave me much more hope for the future.

Ps: I was nearly forgetting! The pub was great!! Really enjoyed it!

A new chapter

Today I feel I finally turned the page. I hope it's not just a good day but the beginning of the rest of our lives. The sadness that was so overwhelming over the weekend and yesterday too has lifted. Lifted! It has been only a few days and I'm ready to move on. This doesn't mean forgetting what happened, we'll always have Nathan Jr. in our hearts. But my hormones must be getting back to normal, I got a full on AF which helped me seeing the end of this episode in our life. I'll be clean soon and today I feel we will get pregnant again. When? Well, that's a matter for another day, but while more often than not until yesterday I was feeling doubtful..."what ifs" storming my brain and all that, today I know we are not doomed at all, I can get pregant, it has just been terrible terrible luck. I WILL get pregnant again.

I don't want to forget that I have also been very very lucky in my life. Sometimes when bad things happen you feel like everthing around you sucks, but that's definitely not true and it's important to take a step back and see all the good things that surround you. So here it goes.

I am so grateful for having Mike by my side. Yesterday he came home earlier and said he may take time off on Wednesday so that he can bring me to a pub I always wanted to go to and never been! He said "so at least you will not say anymore 'you never brought me there!'"

I am also so grateful for my lovely family and friends (real and cyber) who have been so very supportive all along. My sister is flying to Austin tomorrow from NY for a few days, I actually quite sorry that the timing didn't work out with all this mess for me to go and visit her in the States. But she'll come here in September so that's real soon!

I have a great job to which I'm going back tomorrow, I feel physically fine and even though I'll be in only for a few hours (we're going to The Pub!) I have to get back into the working routine, teaching will resume in a couple of weeks! Imagine, I didn't have to say anything to anybody for taking time off, I have a medical certificate which I'll bring in of course but I could have done without. My research group is basically running itself and a few people are on hols at the moment so it's not like I've been missing at a very important time. Only one girl in the group knows about what we have gone through, I think there is no point of upsettign everyone else. They all know Mike as well and when it happen last year, after a few days of mistery absence on my side, Mike went in to the lab and told them what had happened to me. They were in tears for us. They sent me a huge bounch of flowers which lasted for weeks, but then when I went back it was a bit akward, they didn't know what to say (and what do you say anyway?) so I think this time the "injured back official line" will stay.

And now some more good news. The Favourite Doctor called me today, apologysing for not having called yesterday!! Amazing. She was so so optimistic, she gave me a date for a face-to-face special appointment with the Super Head Doctor in the clinic to have a plan in place for when we are ready. And that's going to be on the 8th of September!! So soon!! They created a slot for us! Either the Fav Doc or the Super Doc will contact the consultant at the hospital to have a full report on her findings. The Fav Doc agrees definitely on resolving the issues with the tubes, no point in chancing another EP, so I believe that's the first thing that will have to happen as soon as I'm ready (maybe a month? two?). She said "We don't have a problem in getting you pregnant, the problem was where the embryos decided to stick! We'll get you pregnant again and with a baby or two at the end of it". Ahhh isn't she lovely? That's what I needed to hear.

I also want to detox myself properly and get to our next cycle in perfect shape. So we'll go back swimming (ok, I'll wait until the stitches come off!!), Wii-fitting and to the health shop for some miracle juice to clean the liver!

And we are obviously going skiing again this year so I contacted our hotel to check for available dates around New Year!

Yes, I'm back living and it feels good.

One last thing needs to be done.

Goodbye Nathan, for some reason we couldn't have you and I love to think of you like a shooting star. We loved you but with broken hearts we had to say goodbye, yet again. We have two shooting stars now. Our next one will come to stay.

ICLW

I am a bit behind with my posting on the ICLW week but I'll start working on it today.
You may have read already how unlucky we have been this time around. Two pregancies after ICSI and two ectopics. I have to say I needed to find out I wasn't the only one who had gone through this and indeed there are a few that shared my experience. At least I'm not an alien.
I need to know if we do have hope of a normal pregnancy, can't wait to talk to the clinic next week. This doesn't mean we'll go again tomorrow of course, I want to give myself time to recover and to be in the best shape possible for future treatments.
I'd love to hear from you, if you know of people who had successful pregnancy after two ectopics and loss of both tubes, please share it with me.

Overall today I feel better. It's only two days since surgery and I'm not that sore or swallen anymore, my recovery seems to be quick and I'm grateful for that. There's nothing worse than feeling ill when your emotions aren't great, at least I can look ahead with a bit more positive attitude.

The day after

My dear dear readers, thank you so much for your support, thoughts and prayers. What can I say. I told Mike on thursday to post a message on my blog to let you know what happened, and then I think he enjoyed it and wrote two more!

Again this time I knew there was something wrong. Ok bleeding can happen but not the way it was happening to me. The HCG were raising so nicely because the pregancy was a live one (seeing the heart-beat was the toughest thing ever, and at 6w0d was some fighter) and probably because a second embryo implanted too. Ectopic pregnancies are fuckers (excuse my French), really can present themselves in different ways. At the hospital they were surprised I wasn't in pain because the sac was measuring 12mm (the tube is only a few mm in diameter) and I had some internal bleeding already. About the second sac. Like the last time there is some debate on this second sac, it could be what it's called a pseudo-sac which is some sort of oval shape in the uterus that mimic a normal sac (but it looked too small for the gestational age, with no yolk sac and no fetal pole while the other one was perfect). So I don't want to think about it and I'll just wait for my period to start and clear everything out.
The Favourite Doctor was devastated for us, she texted me and will call on monday to see how I'm doing.
At the hospital they were fantastic. I was very very emotional all the time and they sent a specialised midwife who deals with early losses and berievement to talk to me, that helped a lot. We have to wait now for the lab report...if they do see an embryo (sometimes they cannot recover much after the surgery as it is too invasive) then we'll be given the option of having some sort of a service.
The consulant that perfomed the surgery was lovely, she actually works in the fertility clinic linked to that hospital and we had a very long chat. Of course she said I will never have the chance to get pregant on my own ever (as if...). I'm ok with that. Once we have twins and the adopted baby I won't have to worry about safe sex. I wanted to be sure that she checked my left tube to make sure there was no stump left, also that she removed the right tube completely, as close to the uterus as possible. She was very very understanding and said they are very aware of how important it is to give me the best chance for the next time. Would you believe it though...even with no tubes an ectopic is still possible...I didn't know that. It can happen in the cornual section of the uterus, the bit that joins the tube normally or in the cervix...both these cases are much rarer, but you have seen my luck...
After the surgery she came talking to me and together we looked at the pictures she took. It may sound strange to most of you, but being a scientist it helps me immensely having the possibility of looking at what happened in a more scientific manner...it removes a bit the emotions and eases my heart too. So amazingly, the left tube was not completely removed, but still has a stump left, probably a cm long. I have a fibroid too which prevented them from using a cauterizing knife on my right tube (it would have done a neater job, closer to the uterus). All this means that I may have to go in for another laparoscopy before going for IVF again. I asked of course why didn't they remove the stump at least, that freaks me out no end. She said that in an emergency procedure they do what they are supposed to do rather than getting distracted by other monor issue. She also pointed out that this ectopic didn't happen in the stump at all, but in the ampoul of the right tube, like the first one happened in the same place of the left tube which is the most common place for ectopics.
She gave me her name to give to the Favourite Doctor, so that they can discuss the best course of action for me.
I'll go back to the hospital in 2 weeks to check my HCG and make sure they are going to zero. I have arms like those of a drug addict, hopefully they'll recover for the next blood work.

And now the toughest part. I do I feel? Well, I don't know. Definitely this time I feel I did have a baby inside me, Nathan Jr. if you remember. And that didn't quite happen the same the last time. It was more surreal. I have a week off work but I think I'll go back as soon as I'm ready, it'll help me emotionally and the fact that nobody knows means nobody will talk about it and I won't break down crying. When I came home last night, I noticed that Mike had removed the HPT from the window seal of the bathroom, all the meds from the kitchen table and the bedside locker. We didn't talk about it, there was no need and I love him so much for being so careful and caring.
Once again thank you so much for all your comments, I'm behind my ICLW commenting, but I'll do my best to catch-up.

We're home!

Yes - "We".

Fran is upstairs sleeping. The operation went well and the surgeon/consultant said that if she was feeling up to it, Fran could decide to discharge herself. So she did - about an hour ago.

I'll leave the details to herself tomorrow; I'm sure she won't leave you guys in the dark for too long.

Next time, I hope to be bringing good news when I step into her blogging shoes. But for now, best wishes to you all and thank you so much for your concern, prayers and positive thoughts.

M

Gone to theatre

Hi all. Me (Mike) again.
They took Fran to theatre at noon (a little over half-an-hour ago), so I expect that after the pre-op procedure, she will shortly be going under the knife. I came home to eat lunch since there's not a lot I can do in the hospital, and I thought I'd post an update (such was the response to my last post!).

Thank you all for your good wishes, and please keep her in your thoughts until she's recovered from the surgery. I'll probably post an update tonight, since they're likely to want to keep her in hospital overnight tonight at least.

Ghostwriter

Hi everyone. This is Mike here (Fran's DH, for those who don't know). She asked me to write this in order to keep you up-to-date on events. She's fine, but as you will have deduced, things have taken a turn for the worst.

I got a message from her at lunch time to say that she had more and heavier bleeding, and that she had scheduled a scan in the clinic. I left work to meet her there and by the time I arrived she was being scanned by our Favourite Doctor (who did the scan during her lunch break). The scan revealed an extra-uterine gestational sac near the right ovary. A blood sample was taken for HCG determination and we set off home to get organised for hospital admission. Another (more detailed) scan was performed at this hospital (hospital #1), which showed the embryo to have a heartbeat (or at least the precursor of a heartbeat). For some reason the surgeon recommended by our Favourite Doctor was uncontactable, and so we had to go to another hospital for admission, but before we left, our Fav Doc had already phoned us with the rushed HCG results: 7495 (up from 4004 three days earlier).

Off to Hospital #2. This is the one where Fran had the previous ectopic dealt with. Another scan and about a million photos later, we met the doctor who will perform the surgery, who informed us that the operation will take place tomorrow morning. It’s not an emergency since Fran isn’t in pain (although she was feeling twinges later on in the night before I left to go home).

She almost has a sense of relief. “Almost”, I say since it is of course a desperately disappointing thing to happen, and we are devastated. But at least when they remove the ectopic along with the right tube this time, it can’t possibly happen again. And then there was that feeling that she had of sensing that it was ectopic, when everyone around her (me included) thought that the feeling must be brought on by fear of a recurrence of the previous ectopic, rather than an actual recurrence: The HCG levels were rising nicely, and, how could we possibly be so unlucky? Well that’s life, and it sucks. But with your support and mine, she’ll get through this, and hopefully we’ll be rewarded with an incident and stress-free pregnancy next time.

Sorry if my writing style is a bit matter-of-fact (I’m new to this). Hopefully normal service will be restored tomorrow night (here, they like to empty the hospitals for the weekend, and tomorrow (today now) is Friday). I wish you all everything that you wish for yourselves. Over and out.

Mike.

6 weeks

I think it's like a jinx. As soon as I say the spotting is over, there it comes again. Last night I had an "episode". In fairness it was only one spot on the knickers and it looked old and not threatening. Nothing since. But I was so so down. I started telling Mike and my mam that this looks exactly like the last time, spotting on and off, and then the pain will come in a few days and it'll be another ectopic. Mam kept saying not to be silly, that the HCG are so much higher, that they did see a gestational sac and that all these may be completely normal. Mike shows the same confidence.

Don't get me wrong, I would go to the Moon and back as a punishment for being so negative should I be wrong. I so hope I'm wrong and tell everyone around me two million times "you told me so".

My dreams that usually somewhat meaningful are peaceful these days, even last night. So maybe there is a part of me who is a little more optimistic. Waiting is strange. I don't want to do more HCG tests, I don't want to go in for an early scan, I don't want to not be pregnant anymore and so I wait.

Mam went back today but she would have stayed longer. I have to text her mornings and evenings with an update. Meanwhile I rest as much as possible. Yesterday we went for a long walk and mam felt so guilty thinking that maybe that brought the spotting along. But we went in the morning and I had nothing at all until 9 in the evening, this is why I think it had nothing to do with it.

Anyway, it's only a matter of days and we'll get through this, I know.

Hanging in there

Well, I don't have much of an update but I really wanted to tell you that all your comments are keeping me sane. The bleeding/spotting has completely stopped since monday afternoon (I bleed a bit after the scans) and in fact now I have completely clear mucus which I believe is normal. No pain on the right side which is good. Some twinges but no cramps. Of course I know this means nothing until we have a proper ultrasound but still...

I didn't go back to the hospital yesterday, couldn't be bothered even phoning in my beta as of monday. One girl that posts on the board I post too told me that the same hospital screwed up her daughter bloodtest too and that nearly brought tears to my eyes!! Maybe maybe they did screw them up.
Reading around (as you can imagine I've done this nearly 24/7!) there is also the possibility that I did miscarry one of the embryos. This, assuming no lab error was made, would fit well with the HCG odd behaviour and the fact that they did indeed pick up again on monday. We'll just have to wait and see. Yesterday to be honest I wasn't feeling positive at all, started wrecking my head with all the possible scenarios of discrepancies between values and the fact that I don't have one from the clinic for friday is my main worry (like...what if the lab result from the clinic on friday would have been indeed in the 3000 range...) but then I know there is no point. I have taken a few days off work, basically I think I'll go back next monday if everything is well, this is too important to be underestimated. Mam will go back tomorrow and she was a fantastic help.
I have gone out of the house yesterday and today for nice walks, and it didn't seem to bring bleeding along. The Favourite Doctor actually said there is not much point in staying in bed really. So that's the news for today, thanks to all of you and big hugs.

Hoping and praying

Your posts and emails have been so so important to me in this last couple of days.
I'll say it immediately that we seem to have still some hope and I tell how it went over the weekend.

On friday I was so distressed I was sick. I didn't sleep much as you can imagine.

On saturday, I spent the day in bed dreading going to the loo but the bleeding seemed to have ease a bit. My mam booked a flight there and then from Italy (the 15th it's a holiday there!) and arrived by dinner time. In no time she had done the cooking and the ironing and didn't want me to leave the bed unless I had too. But night time I was only barely spotting old blood.

On sunday, I had hardly any bleeding, but the thing is that when that's happening it's heavy-ish, no clots or anything, but red or dark red. In the evening we went back to the hospital for the second blood test. The first bloodtest wasn't ready and was not going to be done until monday anyway. I met the same doctor that scanned me on friday. I told her I had no more bleeding but she said not to hold hope that she was not expecting the HCG to be increasing anyway. She was adamant I had miscarried. Thankfully a midwife was much more human and gave me a bit of hope as she said I woudln't be the first not have a visible sac at 5w1d with that old machine. That it was a good thing the bleeding had eased and that I had no cramps.

This morning we set off for the clinic, my Favourite Doctor wanted me to tell her again what happened and she was so sorry I had a worrying weekend. Again she said that bleeding is very normal and for what she was hearing from me I didn't bleed much at all (well...ok then, but it looked a lot to me!) that some women may have a full-on period. She scanned me and she said it was still very early to see much but that my lining was perfect and look look here...see? there is a small gestational sac! That's all we can hope to see at the moment. She took my blood as well for more HCG testing in the same lab and she said to let her know the results from the hospital and she would call me with their results.

So next we went back to hospital given that we were told to go back at 11 for a more accurate U/S at the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit. Well, we waited two hours, blood results weren't back and the doctor seemed to be of the opinion that the HCG would have told us much more than the scan (yeah...well, you are not exactly around the corner from where we live...why have we be told to come in then??). Eventually Mike argued that we were specifically told to come in for an U/S. She said "oh in that case, I'll gove you a quick one" And by God it was quick. She basically measured the lining, didn't say anything about a sac, told me it looked good but that the HCG would have told us more. And we were sent home. Honestly, like many of you, I can actually make out an U/S by myself right now and I couldn't figure out which way this one was oriented! So I could't look for the tiny black spot I had seen at the clinic.

Anyway, the waiting for the HCG was longer than normal, it should have been in by 1 pm which is when we left the hospital and they werent. I phoned at 2.30 and the nurse said she wasn't authorised to give the results over the phone (WTF??) but that she'll talk to a doctor to call back. Eventually at 3.40 pm they called. The phone call was in a quite alarmed tone, she said they wanted to see me again tomorrow morning at 9 am, I said I was there today, how about they took me seriously then? She kind of pretended not to hear and it took ages for me to convince her to give me the damn values. It turnes out that the value on friday was 2143 which grew quite stedily from 637 only 3 days before. But then the bad news was that on sunday the value was only 2628... so didn't drop like the doctor expected and now the panic for an ectopic was REAL... My heart sunk of course, I said I didn't want to go back there that I didn't think I had been looked after properly and dismissed on friday with "You have miscarried, sorry about that, come back to CONFIRM this on sunday". She insisted that it was very important, that it was now SERIOUS and to go back tomorrow. I hung up and called the clinic straight away. Spoke with my Favourite Doctor and she was all cheerful, the results were back and high at 4004! WTF is going on?? Alright different labs can have different readings, but this much?? Never hear it before and I WORK IN A LAB!! From 637 to 4004 in 6 days is perfect growth for a singleton (of course I plotted it immediately) I asked her if I had maybe lost a twin over the weekend and this explains the discrepancies? She is actually more keen to believe that blood samples left hanging around for days and checked for unstable hormones such as HCG whenever suits rather than when it's needed is a crime and makes those values (BOTH!) unrelaiable. In fact, if the one on friday was even a bit lower like 1500 still would fit perfectly, than the one last night is just a mistery. It cannot possibly have gone from 2628 to 4004 in just 12 hours! Anyway, she said I'll see you next week for a scan.

So here I am now, baffled with the news. Mam is so angry at the doctor at the hospital who plainly said we were doomed with such a light heart when obviously, at least for now, we aren't. I don't think I'll go in tomorrow, I was there today, it won't change much I'd say, and all that poking around simply brings more bleeding which I'd like to avoid, thanks. Last time with the ectopic I didn't even get to 4000 and I was in theatre with serious pain. I just want to believe that for now I'm pregnant. I may call the hospital with my latest bloodwork to let them know, but I haven't decided that yet.
Once again, I'm sure all your prayers and thoughts helped a lot, and for this I'll never thank you enough.

Numb

Yesterday when I got home around 6pm I started bleeding. A lot. I called the clinic and left a message. Then I called the hospital where I went for the ectopic and where I had my ealry scan booked. I spoke to a nasty midwife I suppose who was very dismissive, she said I could go in, but noone will give me a scan, it's too early, they'll either admit me to the gyn ward or send me back home. I insisted a bit and she snapped back "are you telling me how to do my job?" what's the point...I was in tears anyway. I called another hospital, a private one, but again they would have been able to see me only this morning. Tried another maternity hospital, they were much nicer told me to go in immediately and that definitely they would scan me.
So we went in. I even POAS to see if it was still positive and the control line was barely visible in comparison with the test line, meaning HCG hadn't dropped from Tuesday.

And then they scanned me. Nothing in the uterus. I was numb. Couldn't move, talk or cry. Again. It's happenin again. But I have no pain, no cramps, nothing. Just bleeding. They took my blood but because it's the weekend they'll process it on monday. This is Ireland. I have to go in again tomorrow for another blood test and see what's going on. We went back home in total silence. We both had tears streaming down the face.

At home there were 5 messages from the clinic, two doctors had called and my favourite one said to call back on her mobile at any time. Mike called her. She said not to stop the meds at all and that it wouldn't be the first time that a hospital doesn't see a sac at 5 weeks. To go into the clinic on monday morning and she'll do the scan. She said my hcg were good, this can't be happening. I'm glad at least she is still hopeful. I don't want to be, I simply cannot take it. I'll be resting for the full weekend, bleeding has stopped now, just old brown stuff.

Mam is flying over today, I know she has to see me, the distance is a killer when one of us is not well. I want to thank you all for your support and prayers. I don't know what else to say...

5 weeks

Today I'm entering the fifth week.

And last night I had some pink spotting. Needless to say I was petrified. But again I had absolutely no pain, no cramps. I convinced myself that the funny movement I did on the couch an hour earlier after the PIO shot might have broken a capillary on the cervix. The colour was very light, I am desperately trying to rememeber how it happen with the ectopic, but I am quite sure that I had sharp pain and quite dark spotting. This time gave me the impression of being really superficial rathen than deep. Having said that, and despite all the reassuring thoughts I tried to have, I slept quite badly, I had two nightmares but when I woke up after each of them and went to the loo there was no blood at all. Nore there is this morning. Still have no pain, so that's reassuring. Thinking of the hospital appointment though, a scan at 7 weeks is never going to be useful for me as I never got that far the first time. I called again this morning to see if I could do it earlier, but nope, they won't see you before unless you have problems. They let me talk to a midwife though so I explained all my history and told her about the bleeding of last night and she was totally confident that there is no problem, but to go straight in if I have pains of some kind.
Probably a bit more reassuring was the nausea this morning, really strong after breakfast I had to lie down for a bit, I woudn't know what to do if I get sick, do I have to take again my morning pills?
Today I'll be on the look out for more blood, but thank God I've had nothing at all, just microscopic light brown residues (possibly confirming a superficial lesion).
I was half thinking of going back to the clinic to see if they would scan me today, but by this morning I was definitely calmer and didn't go. Anyway, the weekend is near and I'll take it very easy, hoping that this Flashes (or a single one) will stick around.

First scan booked

Your comments had me in tears. New people stopping by just to say congratulations melted my heart. I showed them all to Mike who had teary eyes too. I am an amotional wreck these days. Mam says it must be the hormones, but Dad seem to have the same bug too!

Lat night we stopped by our local church. I don't know if I had mentioned it but I am not very religious and I think my major problem is not if I believe in God or not, because I do. It's nearly everything surrounding God that I think sometime is a bit of a joke. Most humans will do their best whether they are religious or not, but some others woudl consider themselves better just because they are religious. Anyway, I digress. Lately I found myself getting more spiritual, as I was saying to Flower and then to Tina who posted a very similar discussion, I have started praying again. And last night, on the way home, I really felt I should say a special thank you because what is happening to us is nothing short of a miracle. We lit two candles, and you all were in my thoughts. We prayed together and I felt peace.

I slept incredibly well last night, never woke up and actually didn't even hear the alarm this morning. Today I think I had the very first strong hint of nausea after lunch. Getting better now though. Tomorrow I'll be officially 5w and my next week will be a tough one. With the ectopic after the first fresh cycle I started feeling unwell around 5w3d and Hell broke loose by the time I was 6w. I lost tube and baby at 6w5d. But I want to keep positive, I feel well, I have no oneside pain and my beta values are encouraging that things are in the right spot this time.
Mike and I have referred to the embryos as "the Flashes" because that was the term Dr. O used to point out to us on the ultrasound the white flash containing our embryos that was being shot into the uterus. I was looking at the time and it was 2.45 sharp when they went in on the 28th of July. When we got the BFP on friday, Mike said "We'll call him Nathan Jr. (from the movie "Raising Arizona" which we watched on DVD durig stim, ndr)!" now we are back to Flashes...or Arizona Jr.... or Nathan Jr.

I phoned the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit in town and they booked me in for an US on the 28th of August. Exactly a month after ET! All going well I'll be 7 weeks.
Last thing today will be to stop by the chemistry to pick up the rescription. I'm already very very tired, better go soon!

14dp5dt beta are in at 637!!

Oh my dearest cyber friends, I'm sure that all your prayers and good vibes made a difference.

I went in for the blood test this morning after having POAS again just to see if something had changed and the line was now darker than the control...but you know the way you know it's better than a lighter one, but how much better? Again my favourite doctor took the blood and she was very positive we were going to be ok.

I have been stuck in a staff meeting all afternoon and couldn't take the eyes away from the phone. When she called, at around 4.45 pm, I jumped on my feet and run out the meeting room. She said "Hi Fran how are you? Are you ok?" I said "yes I think so" she said "It's very very good actually, the number is 637!" and I started sobbing. Couldn't tell you the rest of the conversation, something about sending the prescription to the chemist, booking the US and eventually she said "listen, I'll write it down for you and post it today".

I am so so grateful. I had to return to the meeting and couldn't care less of course, I wanted to give the news to my cyber friends, so here I am now. I checked the website that BB had used to plot her beta and it looks like I'm on track! I also found another tool to calculate the doubling time and it gives me a value of 1.14 days! Unbelievable. I woudl have been very very happy with anything in around 300...

Of course the road is long, but I want to believe this is going to bring us our bundle of joy. We have been through so much in the last year, with the ectopic pregnancy which happened around the time of our birthdays last September, the surgery, the heartbreak of the two frozen cycles, but we have been persistent and so united in our journey that as I say in my subheading, I can only consider myself lucky.

Thank you to each and everyone of you, I'm sure I'll be obsessed soon about something else, I have to call the hospital for the early pregnancy assessment, but I'll do it tomorrow. For now, I just want to enjoy the moment.

Dreams

Your comments were so encouraging, I actually felt much better. Thank you all for being so kind and supporting, I know it seems like I'm worrying too much, but with the previous experience it's really not easy to just relax and enjoy. Spotting is gone for the moment in any case.

Beta is tomorrow and I just want to believe it'll be ok.

Yesterday I called the clinic, the after hours number as they are not open at weekends. First of all it was my official testing day so I thought, what the hell, might as well see what they think about the spotting...but..I got connected to the doctor that did my blood test on friday! So all my plans went a bit out the window! I told her I repeated the test and that it looked stronger, but that the spotting was really doing my head in...that I never spotted before and could it be the progesterone not enough? She actually said that I may be spotting for the very good reason that THIS time I am pregnant "properly"! Lovely isn't she? Absolutely my favourite doctor! Because I have tons of PIO at home that I could feed an army, I suggested to go back and use them, she agreed and so my current therapy has changed to cyclo.gest 400 twice a day (morning and afternoon) and PIO in the evening. Last night we did the first one and of course I didn't quite remember that they are not that fun! But sure it'll be worth it, I hope!
I do feel very tired and I think some other symptom is kicking in...like a very acute sense of smell!

Finally, I had such a sweet dream last night I thought I'll share it. I dreamt of a very very small baby (apparently the son of a very old friend of mine who I haven't seen in years and as far as I know has no children at all) who was giving me small kisses on the nose! And in the dream I was saying to this friend that I was pregnant and that I would hope my child would be just as cute. Sure, dreams may mean nothing but when they are bad you do wake up with an odd feeling, this one was a good one, let's hope it does mean something!

Another scare

So after all my positive thinking and good hope etc. last night I got another awful scare.

We went to the party and I talked openly to C. the hosting girlfriend who's also an intensive care nurse and a lovely lovely person. I told her we were doing IVF at the moment and that I wouldn't have had anything to drink, and possibly I would have gone for a bit of a rest around 10 pm. She said "we are doing it too in September!". And there she was, another fellow IF in disguise! We had a lovely chat of course, and she gave me a room, so I told her I actually did get a BFP on friday. She was beside herself with happyness for us, I told her about the spotting and of course, like you all, she said it can happen and not to read to much into it.

Anyway, it was a lovely evening until I went to the loo. Blood. Not on the toilet- paper, on the knickers. I didn't even feel it. Again not much, but plenty to depress me completely and put me in the mood to go to bed at that very moment. I put in the progesterone, told Mike, we had a bit to eat and then excused ourselves and went to the B&B. C and S (the husband) were of course very understanding, didn't make a fuss of it at all.

Sleeping patter was at its worst, but didn't manage to calm down much. We drove home this morning, Mike is going to the mach in the afternoon. Again the spotting seems to be over now, but I decided to test again to see if our little line of hope was fading away. Today would have been the official testing day according to the clinc instructions.

The line isn't fading, it's getting stronger, now it's basically the same intensity as the control, if that means anything at all.

Now, I don't know if I'll be able to relax until tuesday, but maybe if it was a chemical pregnancy the line would have faded by now...I'll take it easy for the day and hope for the best. Love to all.

The marvel of a good night sleep

Thank you all so much for the kind messages and encouragement, big virtual hugs to all of you in return!

Yesterday I went home from work early in the afternoon, I was shattered, the emotions, the beta news, the "reading everything possible about beta values" really took their toll! I fell asleep at around 10.30 I'd say and even if I woke up as usual I din't have bad feelings or worries..I've been happily staying in bed with my eyes closed and a tentative smile on my face.
I also stopped the crin.one and went back to the cyclo.gest which made me feel better instantly. The spotting has practically stopped, and again it was never really red, more "old stuff". This morning a little bit of the old crin.one came out and I'm hopeful that it'll be the end of the gunk!
I have not tested again, I'll do it on tuesday before going in for the beta #2 just to see if I'm still pregnant and prepare myself in case I'm not. But for now, only positive thinking.
I've done a lot of reading about beta ad IVF and I came across an old blog which reported some nice info. I'll report here the two most relevant facts and I'll link the research papers which the author quoted also.

IVF pregnancies generally have lower hCG levels than other pregnancies. The theory is that non-IVF pregnancies implant sooner, thereby having more time to generate hCG than a transferred embryo would.

Initial hCG levels are lower in pregnancies achieved through a day 5 embryo transfer than in those resulting from a day 3 transfer. Apparently the extended culture delays even further the implantation or the cell mass of the blastocyst(s) implanting is smaller than in natural/3 days embryo pregnancy. Still day 5 transfer has a higher pregnancy outcome than day 3.

Now so, all this is very promising indeed! But then I went reading Stacey's post when she found out she was pregnant back in March and I think her hCG do compare with mine (147 at 15dp3dt or 18DPO)...and look at her now! 23 weeks along! And she had spotting too! Right, of course I know it can be different for me, but reading positive stories helps keeping the faith!

10dp5dt: beta 57

Beta is in. 57. My favourite doctor said it's perfect for 10dp5dt (15DPO) and to relax. I do think it's a bit low...but when I had the ectopic my beta were 18 on 13dp3dt (16DPO) which would have been like tomorrow. So a bit of hope that will go well is definitely here now.

I'll go in again on tuesday to get another blood test, the doctor didn't really suggest that, I did, but I think it's the good thing to do. I have to call the maternity hospital at some point as I was given clear instruction to call immediately for early pregnancy assessment after the ectopic.

On a lighter note, my fancy dress got delivered today! I'll be going as Peter Pan!

Unbelievable

Girls, this morning I woke up gain at 4.30. Sinking feeling in my stomach. Went to the loo, back to bed, no more sleep, up at 6.15 for another pee and putting crinone in. Slept a bit more until half seven. I got up and peed again, I definitely had some spotting. Not just the gunk of the crinone, I think it was definitely more. Had breakfast, back to the loo. Definitely spotting. Told Mike it was all over for us, we were devastated, the fecking crinone didn't even get me to test day for the first time ever in my IVF history. Mike kept saying we'll wait until tomorrow and do the test anyway. But I said we'll do it now and put this behind us, I'm ready to throw in the towel. So squized out a bit more pee, dipped the test in. Unbelievably it was positive...the line came up before the control line, quite strong and it's 2 days before the official test day. I started sobbing and so did Mike, the poor man couldn't find words to calm me down.

Rang mum while sobbing, she thought something dreadful happened, couldn't understant what I was saying. Then she understood. She passed dad over, he couldn't get a word out either. We went straight to the clinic for blood test as with my history I cannot take any chances. I am in shock, I'm afraid to believe it's true this time and it'll stay...

At the clinic they were lovely, I couldn't stop crying, the emotional italian in me took over this time! The doctor seemed quite confident we'll be ok, I showed her the test (you know the way you want other people to confirm it's true), but of course only the HCG will tell.

I told her about the spotting, she said it's probably normal, she doesn't like crinone either and I'll go back to cyclogest if the news is good.

I'm not myself this morning. I'm afraid to go to the loo.

Nearly there

Today I feel a bit fearful...I've made it to 9dp5dt which would be 14DPO and I still have two days to go before testing. I'm worried that all my positivity this time around will come back to bite me right in the ass...I'm worried that I'll start bleeding before testing (that'll break my heart no end) and overall I'm worried it hasn't worked. I had a good night sleep last night, actually I couldn't get out of bed this morning and I'm still very tired, I could go back to bed right now in fact.

This evening I'll buy a dual pack of HPT and then we have them in the house...two more sleeps...saturday is coming so fast and I kind of don't want it to happen, I want to stay in this limbo of not knowing and keep dreaming about these two beautiful babies we'll have. I have this vivid image of two cots in our bedroom and I don't want to wake up from this dream.

Before testing on saturday we'll have to chat about what we'll do if it's BFN. We just have to have the conversation, I know I have to have a back up plan. Right now I'm thinking we'll go for a proper review with the doctor (not phone review, a face to face one) and take it from there. If it hasn't worked out maybe there's some issues with our embryos...maybe we should look into embryo adoption (my eggs seem to be fine, Mike's swimmers a part from being a bt slow and not too many look normal). I have lots of thoughts in my head right now and they are confusing me.

On the plus side, we are going to a fancy dress party on saturday night and I haven't picked a costume yet. So I'll browse the web now to see if something inspires me and possibly distracts me a bit too.

The dilemma

Thank you for all the suggestions on how to improve my sleep! It did go a bit better last night, I also went to bed much earlier, like...10 pm so I was more rested overall. The pee cannot be helped though, I put that down to the progesterone! The repetition of the word "Peace" was phenomenal, really soothing and relaxing and strongly recomment it. Thanks my friends.

I am waiting for the clinic to call back as I have this dilemma today. Official test day is sunday, I'll be testing on saturday so that we would have the weekend to recover no matter the news. But the clinic is closed during the weekend so if it's a BFP (please please please!) I will have no meds for monday....so I was considering the possibility to go in on friday and get my HCG blood test...it'll be already 15DPO, if it's positive they'll know by then. I know the clinic is never keen in doing things ahead of time, but I'm a special case here! Also, due to my history, the clinic will want me to do a blood test even if the HPT is positive and again I wouldn't have this results before sunday night (I know I know, jumping a bit ahead of me here). So we'll see what they say.

Now! They just called! No special case for me, they will fax the prescription for a couple of extra days on the meds I'm missing! Ah well, that's sorted then, testing day remains SATURDAY!

I have to thank Melissa who tagged me in her blog to pass me on an award! The rules are once again very simple:

Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award. So I suppose the emphasis is on the newly discovered!

I've been lurking around a bit in the next ICLW list and this award is really popular!! Everyone seem to have it already, so I'm not sure I'll get to nominate 15!! I'll have to think about this one for a bit I'd say...but if you'd like to be awarded let me know! I'll be happy to pass it along.

A week down, 4 days to go

I'm back from the very relaxing weekend! We didn't do much at all as the weather was dreadful but it worked out perfectly for me :o)

So I'm back at work today which is good as I'm distracted a bit more and time goes by more easily. Not that I'm particularly busy at this time of the year given that for the first time since I was appointed, I have all my lecture material already prepared for the next term and students won't be back in college for another month!

Still try not to read to much into symptoms as I had them indipendenlty of the outcome of my previous cycles, but I still do feel very positive that it may really happen for us this time. If not, I've already told my sister that I'll book a last minute flight and I'll spend a few days in New York with her! How's that for a soothing treat! I love New York! But of course...I hope I'd go there another time...

Just two minor issues to share with you (one of which will have TMI in it, be ready!): I still have problems sleeping, because I wake up around 4am, peeing, going back to bed, not sleeping, or just sleeping on and off, I'm shattered all day long, then I go to bed wake up, shattered all day, the full pattern repeats it itself. Any suggestions?

Second issue is still the darn crin.one. I've read it's normal, but why is it that it gives you "salmon" coloured discharge?? Where the hell is that coming from? I know it's not blood, but still it's quite unsettling! It's not always mind you, but I never had it with the other forms of progesterone I used before...anyway, 4 days to go to testing, still don't own any HPT so I will resist until saturday!