Tuesday, August 25, 2009

A new chapter

Today I feel I finally turned the page. I hope it's not just a good day but the beginning of the rest of our lives. The sadness that was so overwhelming over the weekend and yesterday too has lifted. Lifted! It has been only a few days and I'm ready to move on. This doesn't mean forgetting what happened, we'll always have Nathan Jr. in our hearts. But my hormones must be getting back to normal, I got a full on AF which helped me seeing the end of this episode in our life. I'll be clean soon and today I feel we will get pregnant again. When? Well, that's a matter for another day, but while more often than not until yesterday I was feeling doubtful..."what ifs" storming my brain and all that, today I know we are not doomed at all, I can get pregant, it has just been terrible terrible luck. I WILL get pregnant again.

I don't want to forget that I have also been very very lucky in my life. Sometimes when bad things happen you feel like everthing around you sucks, but that's definitely not true and it's important to take a step back and see all the good things that surround you. So here it goes.

I am so grateful for having Mike by my side. Yesterday he came home earlier and said he may take time off on Wednesday so that he can bring me to a pub I always wanted to go to and never been! He said "so at least you will not say anymore 'you never brought me there!'"

I am also so grateful for my lovely family and friends (real and cyber) who have been so very supportive all along. My sister is flying to Austin tomorrow from NY for a few days, I actually quite sorry that the timing didn't work out with all this mess for me to go and visit her in the States. But she'll come here in September so that's real soon!

I have a great job to which I'm going back tomorrow, I feel physically fine and even though I'll be in only for a few hours (we're going to The Pub!) I have to get back into the working routine, teaching will resume in a couple of weeks! Imagine, I didn't have to say anything to anybody for taking time off, I have a medical certificate which I'll bring in of course but I could have done without. My research group is basically running itself and a few people are on hols at the moment so it's not like I've been missing at a very important time. Only one girl in the group knows about what we have gone through, I think there is no point of upsettign everyone else. They all know Mike as well and when it happen last year, after a few days of mistery absence on my side, Mike went in to the lab and told them what had happened to me. They were in tears for us. They sent me a huge bounch of flowers which lasted for weeks, but then when I went back it was a bit akward, they didn't know what to say (and what do you say anyway?) so I think this time the "injured back official line" will stay.

And now some more good news. The Favourite Doctor called me today, apologysing for not having called yesterday!! Amazing. She was so so optimistic, she gave me a date for a face-to-face special appointment with the Super Head Doctor in the clinic to have a plan in place for when we are ready. And that's going to be on the 8th of September!! So soon!! They created a slot for us! Either the Fav Doc or the Super Doc will contact the consultant at the hospital to have a full report on her findings. The Fav Doc agrees definitely on resolving the issues with the tubes, no point in chancing another EP, so I believe that's the first thing that will have to happen as soon as I'm ready (maybe a month? two?). She said "We don't have a problem in getting you pregnant, the problem was where the embryos decided to stick! We'll get you pregnant again and with a baby or two at the end of it". Ahhh isn't she lovely? That's what I needed to hear.

I also want to detox myself properly and get to our next cycle in perfect shape. So we'll go back swimming (ok, I'll wait until the stitches come off!!), Wii-fitting and to the health shop for some miracle juice to clean the liver!

And we are obviously going skiing again this year so I contacted our hotel to check for available dates around New Year!

Yes, I'm back living and it feels good.


One last thing needs to be done.
Goodbye Nathan, for some reason we couldn't have you and I love to think of you like a shooting star. We loved you but with broken hearts we had to say goodbye, yet again. We have two shooting stars now. Our next one will come to stay.

25 comments:

  1. Oh hon... you made me cry! I am so proud of you! I am glad you are working on a POA and you have some awesome doctors by your side. It is just a matter of time! You will be blessed with miracles! If you ever feel the urge to talk/vent/discuss one on one, feel free to email me. Lots of HUGS!

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  2. I am so sorry for your losses. Having had an ectopic pregnancy (and other prenancy losses, including a neonatal loss) myself I know how devastating it is. (((HUGS)))

    I am glad to hear that you are surrounded by so much love and support, especially from your husband. I do believe that you can and will get pregnant again. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

    I love the image of imagining your son is a shooting star and that the next one will be here to stay and shine in your life all of the time. Hang in there. (((HUGS)))

    ICLW

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  3. Fran, I'm glad that the sorrow has lifted. There is so much hope in your words and it is wonderful to read. I think there has been a shift recently in a lot of blogs I've been reading...we are all getting to that point where we realize that we have to live our best lives - plan to go skiing or go on vacation - and simply know in our hearts that we will be parents. Thank-you for reminding me.

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  4. I'm so glad that you're starting to heal, both physically and mentally. Your positive attitude is amazing and I know you will make a great mom! I hope everything goes well with your next appointment!

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  5. Your positive attitude is very inspiring. You have certainly been through a lot and looking on the bright side is not an easy thing to do. I can tell you believe that your miracle will come and that is so important. I will be checking in to see how you are doing and look forward to reading of good things to come.

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  6. You are such an amazing woman. You will be a mother and a great one. God is truly working in your life and I know in my heart your miracle is coming. You are so strong. I admire your courage. We will be here every step of the way...and give ole Mike a big hug...he is just awesome.

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  7. Your doctor is AMAZING! She is so right and that is EXACTLY what needed to be said. Fran, I have to give you a virtual hug and just let you know how resilient you are. You WILL be a mum soon and you will be an exceptional one at that. I just know in my heart that we'll all be sharing great news with you in the near future and I am so thankful for that already!

    Lots of love,
    Cathy

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  8. Fran, i am so inspired by your attitude, you are really quite amazing. Your doc sounds lovely - you will have your baby, and your plan to get back into top form is great. And even though Nathan jnr is gone, he will not be forgotten. xx

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  9. what a beautiful image of the shooting stars...
    lovely to see that you are recovering emotionally and already positive about what the future may hold. Taking care of yourself is a great step as well.
    I find that a full flow of bleeding can drain away many sorrows. Good thing it's having that effect on you too.
    about cleaning the liver, i find that milk thistle is also really good at supporting liver function once you are done with the cleansing. :)

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  10. Bravo to you for such a great attitude. We cannot control what happens to us, but we can choose how we respond. Keep focusing on the positives. May your dreams come true.

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  11. What an inspiring post - the image of the shooting star is so lovely. I am glad you are beginning to heal, dear friend. Big hugs across the ocean!

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  12. What a lovely, poetic sendoff to your precious Nathan. So tender and beautiful. And you, my friend, are so brave and inspiring in how you are able to see the blessings in your life AND the blessings that are yet to be. I am SO excited and happy about what the doctor said...that you CAN get pregnant and it was just a matter of where the babies chose to stick. Next time they won't have a choice and will find the proper spot! So, ahem, maybe no skiing for you this winter! But for now, enjoy the pub and let us know if it is everything you hoped it would be. I'm so glad you have an appointment in just 2 weeks and I hope they have a great plan for you. I can't wait to hear about it! Sending you hugs and love.

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  13. You have such an amazing attitude. YAY for having an appointment in early September and YAY for your plans to keep fit in the mean time. I will pray that these doctors will have a good plan of action and your sticky bean will be right around the corner. *BIG HUGS*


    *ICLW*

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  14. I'm glad you are feeling better, but its okay to grieve if the urge hits you again later. Your last paragraph is touching. As someone who has two shooting stars of her own, I understand *hugs*

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  15. I am so sorry for your loss. Your positive and upbeat outlook is truly inspiring! I'm glad that you have plans to proceed, great doctors looking after you, and a short wait ahead. I admire your strength. Please let September bring you joy...you have it coming.

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  16. I am so very, very sorry for your losses...most especially Nathan, Jr. Unfortunately, there are so many of us who've been there, myself included but it does help, I think, to have someone else to share the burden with...and your husband sounds like he is an amazing support. What a wonderful blessing for you to have each other to lean on. I absolutely admire your for your bravery, grace and dignity while dealing with all of this...what an inspiration you are!

    Many prayers and lots of hugs to you. Believing that you'll be sharing good news soon! :)

    *ICLW*

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  17. I am so sorry for everything you have been through but it is so good to hear you've had such great support.

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  18. I am sending you so many hugs as you continue to work through your grief and I hope that you wont have to face anything like this again. One loss is so hard, but multiple losses... there just arent words.

    Sending hugs and am so happy to hear that you are having a good day.

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  19. sending a hug and good wishes on your continued journey.

    ICLW.

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  20. Here from Lost & Found.... I'm so sorry to hear of your incredibly shitty luck. I wanted to share that I, too, am a special recipient of that kind of bad luck. I'm an IVFer too, lost one baby to a stillbirth (which ended up being caused by something extremely rare and just a freak accident) and then my second pregnancy was an ectopic. Like you I knew something was wrong, but I kept saying, I couldn't have something rare happen twice right? Yeah. Wrong. I too was very insistent they remove the tube, the WHOLE tube, everything. and I'm scared as heck for next time because I do still have one tube left. I almost wanted to tell them to take out both.

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  21. I am so sorry for your losses and all you have been through. I am amazed by your courage and outlook, and wish you all the best as you proceed from here. And yay for great doctors!

    PS - I hope the pub was all you hoped it would be!

    ICLW
    makingmemom.blogspot.com

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  22. Fran - I am so sorry for everything you have gone through. I was shocked when I read through your recent blogs. But it sounds like you're feeling a bit better. The dr. sounds very positive, and what a lovely DH to post a blog message for you.

    I really believe that good things will happen for you. Hugs...

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  23. I am very sorry for your losses. I agree with so many other posters - you have an incredible attitude and it sounds like you've also got some wonderful support - and great drs. to boot! Thinking of you - and feeling very privileged to have read this post.

    ICLW

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  24. Just wanted to stop by and say thank you for your kind words and warm thoughts. They mean a lot.

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  25. Popped over from the crème de la crème list.

    Great post, I feel uplifted myself.

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