Hoping and praying

Your posts and emails have been so so important to me in this last couple of days.
I'll say it immediately that we seem to have still some hope and I tell how it went over the weekend.

On friday I was so distressed I was sick. I didn't sleep much as you can imagine.

On saturday, I spent the day in bed dreading going to the loo but the bleeding seemed to have ease a bit. My mam booked a flight there and then from Italy (the 15th it's a holiday there!) and arrived by dinner time. In no time she had done the cooking and the ironing and didn't want me to leave the bed unless I had too. But night time I was only barely spotting old blood.

On sunday, I had hardly any bleeding, but the thing is that when that's happening it's heavy-ish, no clots or anything, but red or dark red. In the evening we went back to the hospital for the second blood test. The first bloodtest wasn't ready and was not going to be done until monday anyway. I met the same doctor that scanned me on friday. I told her I had no more bleeding but she said not to hold hope that she was not expecting the HCG to be increasing anyway. She was adamant I had miscarried. Thankfully a midwife was much more human and gave me a bit of hope as she said I woudln't be the first not have a visible sac at 5w1d with that old machine. That it was a good thing the bleeding had eased and that I had no cramps.

This morning we set off for the clinic, my Favourite Doctor wanted me to tell her again what happened and she was so sorry I had a worrying weekend. Again she said that bleeding is very normal and for what she was hearing from me I didn't bleed much at all (well...ok then, but it looked a lot to me!) that some women may have a full-on period. She scanned me and she said it was still very early to see much but that my lining was perfect and look look here...see? there is a small gestational sac! That's all we can hope to see at the moment. She took my blood as well for more HCG testing in the same lab and she said to let her know the results from the hospital and she would call me with their results.

So next we went back to hospital given that we were told to go back at 11 for a more accurate U/S at the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit. Well, we waited two hours, blood results weren't back and the doctor seemed to be of the opinion that the HCG would have told us much more than the scan (yeah...well, you are not exactly around the corner from where we live...why have we be told to come in then??). Eventually Mike argued that we were specifically told to come in for an U/S. She said "oh in that case, I'll gove you a quick one" And by God it was quick. She basically measured the lining, didn't say anything about a sac, told me it looked good but that the HCG would have told us more. And we were sent home. Honestly, like many of you, I can actually make out an U/S by myself right now and I couldn't figure out which way this one was oriented! So I could't look for the tiny black spot I had seen at the clinic.

Anyway, the waiting for the HCG was longer than normal, it should have been in by 1 pm which is when we left the hospital and they werent. I phoned at 2.30 and the nurse said she wasn't authorised to give the results over the phone (WTF??) but that she'll talk to a doctor to call back. Eventually at 3.40 pm they called. The phone call was in a quite alarmed tone, she said they wanted to see me again tomorrow morning at 9 am, I said I was there today, how about they took me seriously then? She kind of pretended not to hear and it took ages for me to convince her to give me the damn values. It turnes out that the value on friday was 2143 which grew quite stedily from 637 only 3 days before. But then the bad news was that on sunday the value was only 2628... so didn't drop like the doctor expected and now the panic for an ectopic was REAL... My heart sunk of course, I said I didn't want to go back there that I didn't think I had been looked after properly and dismissed on friday with "You have miscarried, sorry about that, come back to CONFIRM this on sunday". She insisted that it was very important, that it was now SERIOUS and to go back tomorrow. I hung up and called the clinic straight away. Spoke with my Favourite Doctor and she was all cheerful, the results were back and high at 4004! WTF is going on?? Alright different labs can have different readings, but this much?? Never hear it before and I WORK IN A LAB!! From 637 to 4004 in 6 days is perfect growth for a singleton (of course I plotted it immediately) I asked her if I had maybe lost a twin over the weekend and this explains the discrepancies? She is actually more keen to believe that blood samples left hanging around for days and checked for unstable hormones such as HCG whenever suits rather than when it's needed is a crime and makes those values (BOTH!) unrelaiable. In fact, if the one on friday was even a bit lower like 1500 still would fit perfectly, than the one last night is just a mistery. It cannot possibly have gone from 2628 to 4004 in just 12 hours! Anyway, she said I'll see you next week for a scan.

So here I am now, baffled with the news. Mam is so angry at the doctor at the hospital who plainly said we were doomed with such a light heart when obviously, at least for now, we aren't. I don't think I'll go in tomorrow, I was there today, it won't change much I'd say, and all that poking around simply brings more bleeding which I'd like to avoid, thanks. Last time with the ectopic I didn't even get to 4000 and I was in theatre with serious pain. I just want to believe that for now I'm pregnant. I may call the hospital with my latest bloodwork to let them know, but I haven't decided that yet.
Once again, I'm sure all your prayers and thoughts helped a lot, and for this I'll never thank you enough.