The day after

My dear dear readers, thank you so much for your support, thoughts and prayers. What can I say. I told Mike on thursday to post a message on my blog to let you know what happened, and then I think he enjoyed it and wrote two more!

Again this time I knew there was something wrong. Ok bleeding can happen but not the way it was happening to me. The HCG were raising so nicely because the pregancy was a live one (seeing the heart-beat was the toughest thing ever, and at 6w0d was some fighter) and probably because a second embryo implanted too. Ectopic pregnancies are fuckers (excuse my French), really can present themselves in different ways. At the hospital they were surprised I wasn't in pain because the sac was measuring 12mm (the tube is only a few mm in diameter) and I had some internal bleeding already. About the second sac. Like the last time there is some debate on this second sac, it could be what it's called a pseudo-sac which is some sort of oval shape in the uterus that mimic a normal sac (but it looked too small for the gestational age, with no yolk sac and no fetal pole while the other one was perfect). So I don't want to think about it and I'll just wait for my period to start and clear everything out.
The Favourite Doctor was devastated for us, she texted me and will call on monday to see how I'm doing.
At the hospital they were fantastic. I was very very emotional all the time and they sent a specialised midwife who deals with early losses and berievement to talk to me, that helped a lot. We have to wait now for the lab report...if they do see an embryo (sometimes they cannot recover much after the surgery as it is too invasive) then we'll be given the option of having some sort of a service.
The consulant that perfomed the surgery was lovely, she actually works in the fertility clinic linked to that hospital and we had a very long chat. Of course she said I will never have the chance to get pregant on my own ever (as if...). I'm ok with that. Once we have twins and the adopted baby I won't have to worry about safe sex. I wanted to be sure that she checked my left tube to make sure there was no stump left, also that she removed the right tube completely, as close to the uterus as possible. She was very very understanding and said they are very aware of how important it is to give me the best chance for the next time. Would you believe it though...even with no tubes an ectopic is still possible...I didn't know that. It can happen in the cornual section of the uterus, the bit that joins the tube normally or in the cervix...both these cases are much rarer, but you have seen my luck...
After the surgery she came talking to me and together we looked at the pictures she took. It may sound strange to most of you, but being a scientist it helps me immensely having the possibility of looking at what happened in a more scientific manner...it removes a bit the emotions and eases my heart too. So amazingly, the left tube was not completely removed, but still has a stump left, probably a cm long. I have a fibroid too which prevented them from using a cauterizing knife on my right tube (it would have done a neater job, closer to the uterus). All this means that I may have to go in for another laparoscopy before going for IVF again. I asked of course why didn't they remove the stump at least, that freaks me out no end. She said that in an emergency procedure they do what they are supposed to do rather than getting distracted by other monor issue. She also pointed out that this ectopic didn't happen in the stump at all, but in the ampoul of the right tube, like the first one happened in the same place of the left tube which is the most common place for ectopics.
She gave me her name to give to the Favourite Doctor, so that they can discuss the best course of action for me.
I'll go back to the hospital in 2 weeks to check my HCG and make sure they are going to zero. I have arms like those of a drug addict, hopefully they'll recover for the next blood work.

And now the toughest part. I do I feel? Well, I don't know. Definitely this time I feel I did have a baby inside me, Nathan Jr. if you remember. And that didn't quite happen the same the last time. It was more surreal. I have a week off work but I think I'll go back as soon as I'm ready, it'll help me emotionally and the fact that nobody knows means nobody will talk about it and I won't break down crying. When I came home last night, I noticed that Mike had removed the HPT from the window seal of the bathroom, all the meds from the kitchen table and the bedside locker. We didn't talk about it, there was no need and I love him so much for being so careful and caring.
Once again thank you so much for all your comments, I'm behind my ICLW commenting, but I'll do my best to catch-up.