Saturday, August 22, 2009

The day after

My dear dear readers, thank you so much for your support, thoughts and prayers. What can I say. I told Mike on thursday to post a message on my blog to let you know what happened, and then I think he enjoyed it and wrote two more!

Again this time I knew there was something wrong. Ok bleeding can happen but not the way it was happening to me. The HCG were raising so nicely because the pregancy was a live one (seeing the heart-beat was the toughest thing ever, and at 6w0d was some fighter) and probably because a second embryo implanted too. Ectopic pregnancies are fuckers (excuse my French), really can present themselves in different ways. At the hospital they were surprised I wasn't in pain because the sac was measuring 12mm (the tube is only a few mm in diameter) and I had some internal bleeding already. About the second sac. Like the last time there is some debate on this second sac, it could be what it's called a pseudo-sac which is some sort of oval shape in the uterus that mimic a normal sac (but it looked too small for the gestational age, with no yolk sac and no fetal pole while the other one was perfect). So I don't want to think about it and I'll just wait for my period to start and clear everything out.
The Favourite Doctor was devastated for us, she texted me and will call on monday to see how I'm doing.
At the hospital they were fantastic. I was very very emotional all the time and they sent a specialised midwife who deals with early losses and berievement to talk to me, that helped a lot. We have to wait now for the lab report...if they do see an embryo (sometimes they cannot recover much after the surgery as it is too invasive) then we'll be given the option of having some sort of a service.
The consulant that perfomed the surgery was lovely, she actually works in the fertility clinic linked to that hospital and we had a very long chat. Of course she said I will never have the chance to get pregant on my own ever (as if...). I'm ok with that. Once we have twins and the adopted baby I won't have to worry about safe sex. I wanted to be sure that she checked my left tube to make sure there was no stump left, also that she removed the right tube completely, as close to the uterus as possible. She was very very understanding and said they are very aware of how important it is to give me the best chance for the next time. Would you believe it though...even with no tubes an ectopic is still possible...I didn't know that. It can happen in the cornual section of the uterus, the bit that joins the tube normally or in the cervix...both these cases are much rarer, but you have seen my luck...
After the surgery she came talking to me and together we looked at the pictures she took. It may sound strange to most of you, but being a scientist it helps me immensely having the possibility of looking at what happened in a more scientific manner...it removes a bit the emotions and eases my heart too. So amazingly, the left tube was not completely removed, but still has a stump left, probably a cm long. I have a fibroid too which prevented them from using a cauterizing knife on my right tube (it would have done a neater job, closer to the uterus). All this means that I may have to go in for another laparoscopy before going for IVF again. I asked of course why didn't they remove the stump at least, that freaks me out no end. She said that in an emergency procedure they do what they are supposed to do rather than getting distracted by other monor issue. She also pointed out that this ectopic didn't happen in the stump at all, but in the ampoul of the right tube, like the first one happened in the same place of the left tube which is the most common place for ectopics.
She gave me her name to give to the Favourite Doctor, so that they can discuss the best course of action for me.
I'll go back to the hospital in 2 weeks to check my HCG and make sure they are going to zero. I have arms like those of a drug addict, hopefully they'll recover for the next blood work.

And now the toughest part. I do I feel? Well, I don't know. Definitely this time I feel I did have a baby inside me, Nathan Jr. if you remember. And that didn't quite happen the same the last time. It was more surreal. I have a week off work but I think I'll go back as soon as I'm ready, it'll help me emotionally and the fact that nobody knows means nobody will talk about it and I won't break down crying. When I came home last night, I noticed that Mike had removed the HPT from the window seal of the bathroom, all the meds from the kitchen table and the bedside locker. We didn't talk about it, there was no need and I love him so much for being so careful and caring.
Once again thank you so much for all your comments, I'm behind my ICLW commenting, but I'll do my best to catch-up.

26 comments:

  1. Fran...honey...there are no words. I wish I was there to give you a hug. Mike is such a wonderful husband and I thank God for him. He has been your support. Tell him we adore his love for you. I am so sorry you had to face this yet again. You know your body. I totally didn't see this coming....and a second sac. My heart aches for you. Please know that I am here for you to support you on all your journeys...your miracle is coming.

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  2. Oh Fran, I don't really have any words to express how sad I feel for you. I just have to shake my head because I truly don't understand the unfairness of life sometimes. I think you sound amazingly level-headed for having gone through what you have done. Sending hugs to both you and Mike, and I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

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  3. Oh sweety... my heart cries for you and Mike! We were on the same timeline with this cycle and I feel like my sister has been left behind... I am so so sorry! I am praying for this tough time to pass and for you to be ready mentally and physically soon to invite the twins and the adopted child that you have dreamt of! You both are in my thoughts! {HUGS}

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  4. Fran dear, hugs hugs and more hugs to you.
    You sound pretty centered after this whole thing, but don't forget to grieve for this when you are ready. It's important to clear your emotions to make room for new experiences. (just like you want the stump removed). Don't let old stuff linger around unexpressed.

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  5. hugs - because there are no words. Just look after yourselves, be kind and believe in a better future.

    ICLW

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  6. I'm so very sorry hun. I'll be thinking and praying for you and Mike.

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  7. I wish that I could say something, but no words will express how I feel or ease your ache. So I will send hugs and prayers.

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  8. I'm just so glad you are okay. And I'm glad you listened to your body and took care of yourself. Sweetie, I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I never would have thought the baby was ectopic. You were so brave and even now, you sound strong and resolved to moving forward. Thank God Mike is so good and is taking such good care of you. I don't know what else to say except my heart is broken for you right now. And I agree with Flower...your miracle is coming. Hugs and Love.

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  9. My heart is just breaking for you Fran. *BIG HUGE HUGS*. I hope that the healing process will go smoothly and your HCG will decline quickly. You are in my thoughts and prayers at this difficult time.

    *ICLW*

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  10. Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry. I was on vacation for the week and was just checking your blog, thinking (hoping!) I would find happy posts. It's just unimaginable that this happened again. But you were right, you know your body like no one else.

    Personally, I think your attitude is great, considering what you just went through. I'm so glad you are staying postive and logical and rational. Big BIG hugs to you.

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  11. Oh Fran & Mike, I'm SO sorry. This is just fucked up beyond belief. You're both in my thoughts and prayers.

    You will overcome one day, I pray that day comes sooner rather than later.

    xxx

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  12. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this again. Relieved that you knew all the warning signs and were able to get it diagnosed and have the surgery before there was any threat to your life. And so glad that you have such a wonderful husband to deal with this loss with.
    I hope your body heals quickly, and that lightening doesn't strike a third time. Twice is more than enough for any one person!

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  13. Fran, I am so sorry that you have had to go through this all and that you lost your baby this way. I am glad you are safe and sound and that your DH is such a blessing and a rock. Take care. HUGS:)

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  14. Many, many hugs to you.

    ICLW#67

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  15. Oh wow, I wish you all the best and will keep you in my prayers. This is so much to go through and it's nice to see your husband is supporting you so well.

    ICLW

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  16. Hi Fran, What to say? Except that I am crushed for you. This was not supposed to happen. This is not fair. Do whatever you need to, to get through this time - there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you will get there. Thank goodness you have such a wonderful husband, who cares and is thoughtful and who wrote wonderful posts! We are all thinking of you, we are all upset this didn't work out for you, we are all wishing for the best for next time. Hope you heal up fast. Sending a kazillion hugs.

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  17. I am so glad to hear you are home and recovering, at least physically. I imagine that this will take a long while to process--I hope you find your blog a help as you do.

    I am also so very sorry for your loss.

    Hugs, from ICLW.

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  18. I'm a lurker from my prior blogger here which detailed my miscarriage and my IUI, attempts at pg, etc. I dropped off blogger and only recently returned, and stumbled back upon your journal here.

    I am so, so sorry. You seem like one of the sweetest people out there in this huge world, and my heart is positively aching for you tonight.

    Sending warm and loving thoughts to you and your husband...

    Courtney
    ICLW

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  19. I am here from ICLW.
    I am so sorry for your loss and the pain that you are going through. Mike sure seems like a keeper. :)

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  20. Stopping by from Sweet Georgia's blog. Sending hugs and love. I know there are no words...

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  21. i'm sorry for all that you have been thru. IF is such a shitty, unfair thing.

    good luck with future plans.

    ICLW

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  22. I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult patch in your life right now. It sounds like you are holding up amazingly well under the circumstances. You have a lot of hope for IVF, which considering what you just went through is wonderful. I am so glad you haven't just thrown in the towel, but that you are looking foward with hope to the future. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Hugs

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  23. I'm so sorry you had to go through this again.

    Please know that I'm sending you much love and peace while you and Mike go thought his difficult process. I'm so glad to know you were treated so well during your stay at the hospital. that can make such a big difference
    *HUGS*
    ICLW

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  24. Stopping by from Sweet Georgia, I am so sorry.

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  25. Thinking of you and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

    ((HUGE HUGS))

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  26. Fran, I just want to let you know how sorry I am that this is happening again. Please know that I am praying for y'all.

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Thank you so much for stopping by, your comments warm my heart!